Update to Nerves, first meets, ect....am I over reacting here?

[sexcupid]

Ok, we had our first meet up last night. Basically it was set up for a meet n greet and if we hit it off well, then we would go play. This is going to be long, and I'll apologize in advance for that.

Most of my concerns from yesterday's posting did not seem to come to fruition. Sometimes, I've been known to overthink things. *lol*

We all had a couple of drinks, the guys shot a few games of pool (if I had to be in on one of those game we would probably still be there...I like to play pool, but am out of practice and borderline atrocious...), all is going well and we follow them back to their place.

They were cool with the separate room play...although the doors were open and her hubby would glance up now and then to watch (all you could see was her on the bed...the angle of the rooms were such you couldn't see Jeff up behind her).

Things were going along swimmingly (sorry bad pun...we were on a waterbed in the room we were in...), and after about 30 or so minutes we had finished up. Jeff and the other girl are still going at it in the other room. No biggie, I already knew going into this that whoever he's playing with is looking to have sex for at least 45 min to an hour. That's his normal time, sometimes a little longer.

Anyway, her husband went to get us a drink and on his way back in to the room makes the comment, "I don't know why we had to use a condom...theirs broke." In the meantime you can still hear the headboard banging against the wall in the other room.

Now, I do not want to cause a scene or be a total buzzkill. I sit up, take my water and have a few sips. It takes my dayquil//advil//malibu and pineapple juice addled mind about 2 mintues to process a few things. First, we only brought 2 condoms. Basically the ONLY 2 rules we have out there are 1. Wear a condom (especially for first meets...I mean, once we get to know you a little better then we'll think about losing them...but until that time...if you have a problem with it, see ya!) and 2. there is a very short list of things that we have agreed that are just "ours" (role play, some light bondage, very rough sex, ect).

Now, given that when things got started, they had gone to the other room and Jeff had to come back to where we were to get a condom...I first think, surely not. A few more sips of water and I call out to him, "Baby, did I hear this right? Your condom broke?" "Yes it did" "Then you need to stop right now, this was one of the only things we agreed had to happen." "Ok, we're stopping now" And then within a minute or two they are walking into the room we're in.

We all kind of sat around and chatted for a few min, and then we got ready to leave.

I was trying to stay calm in the truck on the way home, well...it didn't work for long. I didn't get all hysterical or anything...but I was pretty upset, he acknowledged that and apologized repeatedly.

What it boils down to is my feelings are hurt and a good bit of trust was lost here. For me, the separate room play seems to require quite a bit of trust. I have faith in you to follow the some what sparse guidelines we have out there. I don't expect to be told 3rd hand that you have broken the biggest one.

This was not my preferred outcome here. I figured we would go, have a good time for a little while and then come home and fuck ourselves silly recounting the experience. facelick

He's now wanting to put a halt to all play. I told him maybe that's too rash, but I need time to basically just get over my hurt. Do I compromise my comfort level by being only same room play now? That way if the condom breaks again, someone will be there to be the voice of reason (and not the reason that says, 'well...it already broke...any damage may have already been done...let's keep going')?

Again, it was a pretty good experience up until the last 5 minutes or so of the playtime.

As always, any feedback is appreciated....

TIA,
Maria

[TheSwingerSet]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

He's now wanting to put a halt to all play. I told him maybe that's too rash, but I need time to basically just get over my hurt. Do I compromise my comfort level by being only same room play now? That way if the condom breaks again, someone will be there to be the voice of reason (and not the reason that says, 'well...it already broke...any damage may have already been done...let's keep going')?

First and foremost i would say that yes you do need to stop all play until you are comfortable with what happened and you know in your heart that it won't happen again!

Here's the kicker... I can say with certinty that this same rule will never be broken again, us guys can learn real quick when sex is involved.

I'm sure you both have learned from this and in the future you will both be thinking about what happened that night.

I have to laugh a little here and ask what were you thinking only bringing 2 condoms? We never go out even to vanilla functions without at least half a dozen, she carries them I carry them they are in both our cars. I guess its the curse of being a Boy Scout. Hell we hardly ever leave the house with out our toy bag which contains some good lube, a small vibrator, condoms in 2 sizes both poly and latex, Nitrol gloves and a deck of truth or dare cards.


K

[Mr. Truelove]

Well, given what I think was discussed prior, and the fact that in the middle of play the condom broke, I think it is somewhat reasonable that he did what he did. Sure it hurt you, but from what he said about being okay to stopping until you were comfortable makes it sound like it surely wasn't his intent.

He had to make a decision in the middle of play, and that particular one is a tough one. I know in my situation, I wouldn't expect my wife to stop and ask me. Or vice versa. I would expect a decision to be made, right or wrong.

In this case it looks like he made the wrong one.

Simple enough, new thing for him to keep in mind. Condom breaks, stop play. And always remember to bring more than two!

I might be wrong as this advice of forgive and forget is usually not the route I take. But your communication level is high, you both seem comfortable in swinging, and he (from what you have said) seems genuinely sorry.

If swinging didn't have little hurdles it wouldn't be nearly so exciting.

Mr. Truelove

[couplewanting50]

This might be the dumb question of the day, but.... how do you know — in mid process — that a condom breaks? Seriously. Would you feel it?

[EvilMJ]

We have had a condom break before on us. It was with me and the other husband. Unfortunately we didn't find out until after it was all over.

However had I known about it during, we would have stopped, got another one, and made sure everyone was aware of what happened.

Without hearing his side of the story I think he probably made a bad choice to keep going.Best case scenario, learn from this experiance, find a way to forgive and move on. Unless he was cackling like a mad man and yelling "this will teach my wife", then I suspect his intention was not to hurt you and he was caught up in the moment.

[sexcupid]

I'm not going to quote anyone on this reply, and will answer the best I can.

No, his intent was not to hurt me. I know that even without him saying it (which he has repeatedly since the incident).

On our part, I know we should have taken more condoms with us. We don't normally use them, and took what we had on hand here at home. We were running a bit behind and didn't have time to stop at the drug store on the way to meet them or we would have been late, and we didn't want to give the wrong impression. I know, I know...stupid on our part...but live and learn.

I've had sex a few times when the condom broke (granted it's been a few years) and I can tell a difference in sensation. For me, when I guy has a condom on...it feels more like I'm fucking a dildo or balloon (and no I've never had sex with a balloon *lol*)...when it breaks it doesn't feel like that to me anymore.

Like the situation where EvilMJ said they didn't know it happened until it was all over with, that would have been ok or at least better. I would have probably been a little upset. But they stopped long enough for him to take the broken condom off and then continued. That for me is what made the difference I guess.

We talked plenty about it that night, and again most of yesterday afternoon. I basically needed to have a good cry about things to help get over the hurt (well, it normally helps me anyway), we got a few things out in the open, and I think it will be fine.

Maria

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

He had to make a decision in the middle of play, and that particular one is a tough one. I know in my situation, I wouldn't expect my wife to stop and ask me. Or vice versa. I would expect a decision to be made, right or wrong.

In this case it looks like he made the wrong one.

Mr. Truelove

He most definatly made the wrong choice.
That being said. There was no choice to make.
The rule is there to protect feelings, health, possible pregnacy, or what ever other issue you want to make.
I don't really care if Dog is seconds away from an orgasm. If the rule is condom then condom it is, end of discussion.
That being said if it broke and Dog and the other woman didn't realize it, I would not be angry, worried yes, angry..No.
But there would be condoms for us and no playing again until we get an all clear with the doctors.
Come now. A condom rule is as much about your spouces saftey as it is her/his feelings.
If you both decide to go with the no condom rule that is a choice and risk that is exceptalbe to you both, run with that choice. But and a big but it is, there was a condom rule in place and it was disrespectful to not follow this rule.
Is it really that important to finish your big O when you are talking about a possible life time of hurt and health issues.
** I know full well that condoms wont stop all the bad, but it will stop most of it.**
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Mr. Truelove]

I understand where you are coming from Prettylady, however I made my post on the assumption that they A. Were open to playing without condoms occasionally and B. He wasn't attempting to deceive her.

When I respond to people after only having one side of the story I try to picture what the other side's point of view might have been. For instance in this case, if they were open to possibly playing without them for some cases. Then in the middle of play if something like that happened I would think it might be reasonable for some people to keep going without them. Depending on what had been discussed. I got the feel that this was the case and gave my advice accordingly.

The fact that he was open to her about it immediately and respected her wishes right away shows a bit that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but perhaps didn't quite get the importance of the rule.

Not all people might have the same views on rules that some of us here do.

In retrospect to your post however, I think the correct advice that I should have given would be to try to understand why he did what he did. Perhaps getting to the root of that instead of simply knowing he apologized profusely would give us better insight. Then if it was a simple misunderstanding then yeah, learn from it and move on. If he was being callous about it, then maybe some more communication and some work would need to be done.

Thanks for setting me straight there prettylady and making me give the topic some more thought.

Edit: "'well...it already broke...any damage may have already been done...let's keep going'" While I don't agree with that I do think it wouldn't be uncommon for people to think that way. Just thought that was relevant.

Mr. Truelove

[prettylady]

Hey Mr. TL,
I certainly didn't mean to imply that I thought you were inconciderate to your lovely wife. It was just such a great quote to launch my comment off of.
Let me make it clear to everyone. Mr. TL is everybit the gentleman.
Sorry buddy, I should have made my comment more Mr TL friendly.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Mr. Truelove]

No offense was taken, I thought you brought up a very good point. And I didn't mean for my post to be aggressive in any way. I was just giving my reasoning for making my post.

And I am inconsiderate to her all the time. Just tonight I stuck my freezing cold hands on her back at least a dozen times.

Mr. Truelove

PS. We now return to our normal programming. Sorry for the thread hijack.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

The fact that he was open to her about it immediately and respected her wishes right away shows a bit that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but perhaps didn't quite get the importance of the rule.

In retrospect to your post however, I think the correct advice that I should have given would be to try to understand why he did what he did.

Mr. Truelove

Hey there Mr. TL

The fact was, he wasn't open to me immediately. It was the other male that basically 'ratted them out'. He did a walk by to get us a drink after we had finished and saw their condom laying there on the floor. I had to call out to him to confirm, and he did.

I asked him what would he have done if I hadn't said anything to him and he wasn't sure if he would have told me that night or not. The thing is, he can't give me an answer to why he did what he did. Oral without condoms is one thing...he knew going into this that condoms are a must. We haven't put much other restriction on the other person (where would the fun in that be?)...just wrap it up before you do anything with it is basically my point.

This was a first meet, as Jeff would put it, 'we don't know these people from Adam's housecat'. Better too safe than too sorry. JMO :surrender

Before going into this, we both agreed that if something was not going well or something happened, then all play would come to a screeching halt. And I appreciate the fact that he could at least come out of his hormone addled state of mind to at least remember that one.

Thanks for the response to my post.

Maria

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

I asked him what would he have done if I hadn't said anything to him and he wasn't sure if he would have told me that night or not. The thing is, he can't give me an answer to why he did what he did.

Well that is an entirely different story. I would not be comfortable with that responce at all.

Mr. Truelove

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

Well that is an entirely different story. I would not be comfortable with that responce at all.

Mr. Truelove

Me either, it's not a good enough answer for me and if he knows what is good for him...he'll come up with something better....mwuhahaha!!!! We have restraints and a flogger amongst other toys....there are vays of making you talk....


On one hand, what's done is done. OTOH, I want answers. I'm trying to understand what it was he WAS thinking and what made him feel it was ok to follow that path.

For example, when we were talking that night...I have this play toy on the side and have basically been told I can do whatever, whenever and that's ok. But say the day I'm open for whatever/whenever...he can't come to play. So I call someone else I used to play with that you have previously told me that you would prefer I not play with now. Yet I called him, he came over, we played and then that evening tell you and qualify it with, "Well, you already told me I could play...but standby #1 couldn't...so I just found someone that could."

It kind of follows the same principle. Guidelines laid out to stay within. If they are strayed across, someone is bound to get bent out of shape about it.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

We have restraints and a flogger amongst other toys....there are vays of making you talk....

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

No worries...we only break those out for out of line guests...*lmao*

Maria