Disappointing first time

[NewtotheLife]

Well after much anticipation and excitement my husband and I went on our first play date. Unfortunately reality didn't live up the fantasies I've been having. In fact I'd go so far as to say I was bored. Anyone else ever experienced this?

I am very confused. I was very attracted to this couple but as things started to progress I kept thinking where's the excitement, the thrill. I would start to get into it and then think when my hubby does this it feels so much better. Then I would think if I could just kiss my husband I would be able to get back in the mood. Was it just that I'm used to the way my husband touches me after all he has had 17 years to learn what I like exactly. He had a great time. His only complaint was that he could tell I wasn't into it which kinda put a damper on his good time. In fact he kept asking if I was OK. The couple wants to try again and I guess I'm not opposed to giving it another try. The idea of swinging is still very exciting for me and I was relieved to realize that there was no jealousy on my or my husband's part. I just wonder if swinging in reality for me is the right thing to do. Maybe I should just stick to my fantasies as they are much more fulfilling.

Any advice? Has anyone had a similar experience? Im still attracted to this couple and have invested a lot time into reaching a good comfort level with them. If we can't make it work with them I don't see much chance of it working with anyone else.

[edmustang]

That's too bad. Though:

Originally Posted by NewtotheLife

Was it just that I'm used to the way my husband touches me after all he has had 17 years to learn what I like exactly.

probably does have a lot to do with it. Is it that he knows what pushes your buttons, or that after 17 years you've grown to prefer his methods? How communicative were you? If you have definite preferences, the other guy should be told...even if nonverbally.

That's one of the cool things about the lifestyle...learn/try something new.

[NandTfromCA]

Maybe more of a group interaction would help you ENJOY the variety rather than rating them on the differences.

ie. Both guys and you pay attention to her...then the attention gets turned to you...then one guy sits back and chills while you two girls pay attention to the other guy...etc

Another thought is to have same room sex be the emphasis, and swapping as the bonus. That way you get to play with your man some, and then play with someone different too...without feeling “stuck” with someone who’s style you aren’t used to.

On a different note, just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean you are going to have great sex with them. Keep in mind that you may meet another couple where the chemistry is less at first but he/she rocks your world in the sack.

All that said, if you are feeling uncomfortable at all, definitely slow it down.

Have fun!

[tribbles]

Then I would think if I could just kiss my husband I would be able to get back in the mood.

Why not have him kiss you?

Just swapping without touching each other bores us too. If he could see you weren't all into it, you were in the same room. If the same bed as well, then it's easy to touch each other too.

As for boredom, we recently are finding that the group we play with is getting boring. Same positions, same place, same time......I guess it's why people have to keep looking for people to click with.


S

[prettylady]

I wonder if maybe you did build it up too much and short of being a god your friend would not have satisfied you anyway.
Not meaning to be rude here, but perhaps that could be the case. I say try again and don't think thats not how hubby does it. Try to lose yourself in his talents. You maybe pleasently suprised.
Besides the first time you ever had sex, was it fantastic or boring. Sometimes you hit right on first time. Sometimes it is a matter of learning your partner then WOW watch the sparks fly.
Good luck to you
Your friend,
Prettylady

[NewtotheLife]

Thanks for all the advice. Just to clarify I wasn't trying to compare. It just sort of popped into my head. I really like the idea of more group activity that might be the ticket. In response to edmustang I tried to find a way to be more communicative. The problem was what I wanted he was already doing. It just wasn't doing the trick. How do you say touch me there when he already is and it isn't working? We are going to try again tomorrow night. No expectations this time. Just go with the flow and do what seems natural. And if I want that kiss from hubby I'll get it. Wish us luck.

[Pepper & Drew]

Maybe you just don't have chemistry with this couple, or at least the male of the couple. We have been in situations where the actual play was a LOT less hot than we thought it would be. Perhaps another chance for this couple is in order, but just because there was no spark with this couple doesn't necessarily mean that swinging is not for you. It may just mean you need to meet a better match.

Pepper

[ShellyM]

Swinging just simply may not be for you, and thats okay!! It is not for everyone, some people don't like it...and then, some people like the fantasy more than the reality, which is fine too. Don't feel bad at all about it!!

[intuition897]

I agree with both Shelly and Pepper. I was thinking that either might be the case.

[UCONN Keith]

Fantasies, in and of themselves, are typically a VERY difficult thing to "live up to"...

In our minds, we foresee the "perfect scenerio" that includes the "perfect conversation" and "the perfect interaction"..... Unfortuantly, in reality, we have no total control of how others will react to and with us other than some subtle redirection and dropping hints.

I loved the part in which you said you wanted him to kiss you to "get back in the mood". That statement tells me a great deal about you, your husband and your relationship. It would seem, from the picture you provided us, that you two have a very strong relationship. That is the best resource you can have to try to make "swinging" and/or "Polyamory" work.

Maybe you should ask yourself if you were attracted to these specific people themselves or the opportunity to experience your first encounter? Some times, we get confused by such a dilemna and may feel attracted to the available partners when, in reality, we are attracted to the possibility of living out one of our fantasies.

Think about it. As a single lady, haven't you ever met and dated a man that - later on - you found you weren't as attracted to? Even though at first, you felt he was so hot? Same thing happens in swinging as well.

I also agree with the other respondents as well. Why didn't you reach over and kiss your husband? Chances are he would have found that a tremendous turn-on as well as a very intimate and loving gesture. I know I would.
Yes, I also agree, why not make it a "group" interaction so you can be close and interact with him. Even "same room" sex isn't the same as "same bed" sex

If the idea of swinging still excites you - as you said - and you came out of the experience with no jealousies, then I would say give it another try! Talk to your husband openly and see if you two were really attracted to the other couple or if you both were simply acting out a deeply held fantasy without awaiting the "right" particpants.... Who knows, maybe you'll find it wasn't the right time, place or people. You might also find that maybe you were simply too anxious/nervous from making a fantasy into a reality. In either case, don't throw out the baby with the bath water!

Great question! Thanks for the original post.

Keith in Connecticut
CT_MWM@Hotmail.Com

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by UCONN Keith

Maybe you should ask yourself if you were attracted to these specific people themselves or the opportunity to experience your first encounter? Some times, we get confused by such a dilemna and may feel attracted to the available partners when, in reality, we are attracted to the possibility of living out one of our fantasies.

I wholeheartedly agree with this, Keith. I once found myself ridiculously attracted to a girlfriend of mine, both of us having expressed an interest in finding out what it would be like to have sex with another woman. After I found out (not with her, but with a different partner), the attraction went away completely. I am no longer attracted to her in the least; it was just the opportunity that was causing me to feel that attraction.

There is definitely a distinction that should be made between attraction to the experience and attraction to the person. BIG difference!

[NewtotheLife]

Thanks to everyone for all their advice. I just wanted to give you all an update. We met with the couple again last night and it was much much better. I was more relaxed and more willing to do a little directing or redirecting. You know like higher, lower, softer, harder, faster, slower. This helped quite a bit. Another thing that helped was knowing that if I wanted a little kiss or carress from my husband that it was OK to go for it. And hubby knew in advance to be a little more available to me if I needed him. The other thing that helped was that I was the center of attention. facelick Everyone wanted to make sure I enjoyed myself this time. How can you go wrong with three people all out to give you a good time? It was all about me, everyone else had fun too, but I was definately a combination effort. So thanks one and all. Last night was more what I thought swinging would be like and hubby and I are definately going to pursue the Lifestyle some more.

[ohash01]

Yay! I am glad you had a good time. It's always nice to have a second chance to "fix" a bad first impression.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by NewtotheLife

Thanks to everyone for all their advice...We met with the couple again..I was more relaxed and more willing to do a little directing or redirecting. You know like higher, lower, softer, harder, faster, slower. This helped quite a bit. Another thing that helped was knowing that if I wanted a little kiss or carress from my husband that it was OK to go for it. And hubby knew in advance to be a little more available to me if I needed him. The other thing that helped was that I was the center of attention. facelick Everyone wanted to make sure I enjoyed myself this time. How can you go wrong with three people all out to give you a good time? It was all about me, everyone else had fun too, but I was definately a combination effort. So thanks one and all. Last night was more what I thought swinging would be like and hubby and I are definately going to pursue the Lifestyle some more.

Hi there NewtotheLife.

I'm tuning in a little late on this thread but I would have to say you learned a lot in a short time about what it takes that makes things go well. At the same time, what others have said about there not being enough sexual chemistry is a good point too. Usually people think that others will just read their minds. You have to communicate with your play partner. They (most of them) want to please you. No one should ever want to leave a play situation where they know that it could've been better if someone would've said something.

One thing that did bother me is what you said about being the center of attention. I'm very glad that everyone took your feelings to heart and made an effort for you to get comfy and happy...but remember that others would like to be the center at times too. Now that you have learned how much better it made you feel perhaps you can use that in the future when you encounter the same problem from the other half. There is nothing wrong with having open communication and letting it be known what it is that makes it happen for you.

Another thing is that you will never find someone like your mate. You shouldn't be looking for that. I look at my play partners as a variation on the norm. I try to understand them as much as I can and I get into it as though we were alone but I love having Fem D close by for support and more. I have even finished up with her as she was busy with the other half. It's all good!

Live and learn and enjoy!

Male D