First Swing experience. Alot of damage done!

[DodgeCouple94]

Hello..
Sorry if this gets too long. My husband I had our first swinging experience last weekend and becasue of it, we are not swinging anymore and going to marriage couseling, and I want advice from all you great people. We met a couple that we met for the first time 2 weeks earlier at a local hotel. We chatted and made small talk, then we all stripped and started playing with our partners then switched up to the other person's partner. It was a disaster for us because I wasn't into it and neither was he, but we tried. He performed oral on me and I did it to him too, but no matter what I did, he would not get hard. I watched my husband go down on the other lady, and make her cum like 5 times, and she did oral on him for a few minutes, then they got busy with screwing. He was totally enjoying it and he was unaware of anyone else in the room. I was beyond upset because he totally ignored me, and he was doing everything he does with me with someone else. I was fine with the sex part, but not the being ignored part. We sat and watched tv and watched them, until I had enough, and went to the bathroom. When I came back, they took a break, and he was calling the sitter to see how the kids were doing. Nobody answered the phone so we left and went home. Then we got home, and talked about it. This experience destroyed alot of our marriage because he didn't follow the rules that we agreed to and I didn't even want to be there, but he didn't drop the subject, so I gave him to make him happy. So now we are going to our first couseling session on Monday and try to repair the damage that was done. I feel that I was cheated on in front of my own eyes. He was happy because he got what he wanted ( a great screw and his wife didn't). I don't feel the same way about him. I can't think of being intimate in any way, because he was intimate with her and that was reserved for me, even though it was just physical. I only agreed to do it because he wouldn't let it go, and I didn't think of any other way to stop his want/need to do it. So I let him do it let him see how it would hurt our marriage. Please tell me what to do about the intimate and get my marriage back on track the way it was before. Oh the reason he wanted to do it was a fantasy to do another woman. My thinking is he wanted it because he was bored with our sex life, even though it was great! Thank you.

[NakedInSeattle]

Sounds like to me that you guys shouln't have started in the first place. You weren't ready. Maybe you won't ever be. Hope you get good counselling and are ok. Good luck.

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by DodgeCouple94

I only agreed to do it because he wouldn't let it go, and I didn't think of any other way to stop his want/need to do it. So I let him do it let him see how it would hurt our marriage.

First of all thank you for posting your experience. This will sound harsh, but from what I read you did this to manipulate him into dropping the swinging subject. If you had a terrible time, you could lay some guilt on him and then he would never want to do it again. Correct me if I'm wrong but you were probably determined not to enjoy yourself. The other male could probably tell this and that in itself was a big turnoff for him. You basically used this other couple to get what you want.

I do think you need some counseling. When people have to resort to manipulation there is definately something wrong there....and yeah, swinging is definately not for you.

Mrs

[DBL D]

You have posted a recount of an very bad experience. I have no doubts that you didn't have fun. For you not recognize the fact that you had something to do with your marriage having to be restored would be hard for me to take. You said you had met this couple 2 weeks before...didn't you know then that you weren't interested in him? Why go into something where all of you weren't on the same page? The swinging you did sounds very normal. Start with each other and swap. Some do it the other way. It shouldn't be something that causes problems. What rules were broken? How many other encounters have you had? Why this couple? You haven't given any of us any details of your desires or experiences.

Sure, go to counseling...and take a good look at yourself too. Definitely don't swing anymore.

Male D

[DodgeCouple94]

Sounds like to me that you guys shouln't have started in the first place. You weren't ready. Maybe you won't ever be. Hope you get good counselling and are ok. Good luck.

[B]You are correct! We should not have got involved in the swinging lifestyle, but once my husband got the idea in his head, he wouldn't let it go. We aren't going to try it again. Thank you, for your opinion! Have a great day!!

[DodgeCouple94]

You have posted a recount of an very bad experience. I have no doubts that you didn't have fun. For you not recognize the fact that you had something to do with your marriage having to be restored would be hard for me to take.

I know I had fault just as much as husband because I allowed and approved it, but my husband knew I didn't want to do it or be there, and wouldn't let it go.

You said you had met this couple 2 weeks before...didn't you know then that you weren't interested in him?

[/U]I was interested in friendship but nothing else. My husband wasn't letting the issue go. Yes I knew I didn't want another man, any man other then the man I married.

Why go into something where all of you weren't on the same page? I will say it again...Husband's fantasy and wouldn't let it go until he got it!

The swinging you did sounds very normal. Start with each other and swap. Some do it the other way. It shouldn't be something that causes problems. What rules were broken?

I didn't want to be there and he knew that and he pushed anyway to try and continue. He didn't want to be there, but he didn't want the label of a 'fake couple' if we tried swinging again.

How many other encounters have you had?
First experience of any kind of swinging.

Why this couple?
Basically they were there and willing.

You haven't given any of us any details of your desires or experiences.
First experience with swinging, desire was to not do it.

Sure, go to counseling...and take a good look at yourself too. Definitely don't swing anymore.
[U] Like I said, WE did this, but he just got more involved and ignored me, and enjoyed it a whole lot more then me. He wanted and I didn't. Nobody is perfect, atleast I know I didn't want it and I accept that, and I also accept that I shouldn't have let it happen, but I also accept that, I don't think he would have let it go.

Thank you for your opinion!
Male D

[DodgeCouple94]

First of all thank you for posting your experience. This will sound harsh, but from what I read you did this to manipulate him into dropping the swinging subject.

I didn't do it to manipulate him into dropping the swinging subject. I did it for him to see that we shouldn't be in the swinging lifestyle and he wouldn't drop the subject until he got to do what he wanted to do. I am not manipulative.

If you had a terrible time, you could lay some guilt on him and then he would never want to do it again. Correct me if I'm wrong but you were probably determined not to enjoy yourself.
I didn't want to be there, so I was determined not to enjoy myself. I didn't lay guilt on him. We are responsible for this, not just him.

The other male could probably tell this and that in itself was a big turnoff for him. You basically used this other couple to get what you want.
I don't feel I used anyone. They knew what we both wanted and they knew that I was unsure of what I wanted and they wanted to proceed anyway. I was totally honest with both of them. If they didn't want to go, they didn't have to.

I do think you need some counseling. When people have to resort to manipulation there is definately something wrong there....and yeah, swinging is definately not for you.

I don't feel I manipulated my husband in any way. If anyone he manipulated me because he wouldn't drop it, and be content with the life we have had for 15 years.

Mrs

[Sweet_Candy]

Sorry to hear you had a bad time but around here we would call what you did taking one for the team. For us it doesn’t matter why you took one for the team but only that you did. Taking one for the team is not what swinging should be. If you two were not in this together and at the slowest person's pace then you didn't need to be swinging. Sounds like your communications were not in place as well. If your husband wasn’t hearing you correctly it’s understandable why since you agreed to go forward. You should have been more insistent about not wanting to do anything sexual. That was mostly your mistake not his. Communication is the key to swinging as well a successful relationship. Good luck with your marriage.

[prettylady]

Dodgecouple64.
If you alow him to push you to do this against your wishes, what else is he going to get you to do?
I was in a marriage that HE made all the choices, not because he was a big tough guy, but because I would continualy give in to him. He says yes, I say no, he says yes, I say ya what ever. Soon he learnt that all he has to do is push.
If you don't want to do something, stand your ground. don't just say no, MEAN NO!!!
Now having said that you must also choose which fights are worth fighting. If you are dead set against something that effects you directly say and mean NO, but if it is something that is not going to harm your mind or body then ya let him have his own way.

It is a tough line to walk.
I am now in a wonderful relationship with Dog, but I stand by my sence of right and wrong with me. for instance, I am not prepared to do a FMF yet. I have made it clear to Dog. He would never push, but I leave no room for misunderstanding.
Now just between you me and everyone else on this board. I am not a person who says never. perhaps someday the situation will present itself and I will jump in. But until then....NO.
Now lets just hope Dog doesn't read this.

Your friend,
Prettylady

[DBL D]

I have to agree that you took one for the team...Never A Good Thing.

I have to agree, your husband should be spanked for pushing you so hard.

I have to agree, go to counseling...to learn how to be satisfied with each other. facelick

Thank you for responding, DodgeCouple94

Male D

[Menage_a_Trois]

Well it sounds to me that you got what you deserved in this situation. I know that is harsh but what you did was harsh. The people I feel sorry for in this situation is the other couple. If I understand this correctly, your husband told you about a fantasy of having sex with another woman. He started talking about swinging as a way to fulfill that fantasy. From the way you explained it, doesn't sound like you voiced an opposition to it, but rather went along to teach him a lesson and show why it "would hurt your marriage". If you did voice your opposition, then you should have never went along with it no matter if your husband “wouldn’t drop it” or not. Your husband should have been paying attention to what you were saying and kept things in the fantasy world. But in any event you met another couple, and played with them, or at least attempted to play with them. You talk about you and your husband starting to play with each other, and then switched to the other couple but that the other man didn't get hard, (which if he was getting the vibe that you weren't into this or him - why would he) and that he pleasured the other woman and then “they got busy with screwing”. It sounds to me like you had already made up your mind that you weren’t going to do anything with him, so that you could keep the “moral high ground”. It also doesn't sound to me like it would have mattered who the other husband was, you weren't interested in him no matter what, all you were interested in was "showing your husband what his actions were going to cause". You had already made up your mind as to what the damage was going to be from swinging and you went along with it anyway to prove a point. If your marriage was a good as you claim, you would have fought tooth and nail against doing anything that would have hurt it. But no you wanted to show your husband what damage it would cause. You say that he ignored you, are you sure he was ignoring you and not just focusing his attention on his play partner, there is a HUGE difference. You went on to say “I can't think of being intimate in any way, because he was intimate with her and that was reserved for me, even though it was just physical”. IF you really understood swinging you would understand that intimacy has NOTHING to do with the physical act of sex, BUT it is emotional and mental bond that a couple shares. I doubt very seriously that a one time swing experience would cause an emotional bond between your husband and the other woman. It really amazes me how many people (even in the lifestyle) think that sex is anything more that a physical act. Sex doesn't require intimacy, hell you don’t even have to like the other person. But in this country for the most part we have been brought up to think that sex and love are the same thing or that you can't have sex unless you love someone. That is the one reality that people outside the lifestyle don't understand about us. What makes the lifestyle work is that we understand that sex and love (real intimacy) have nothing to do with each other. People all the time say that no one is better than their partner when it comes to sex, what makes it better is the emotional and mental connection( intimacy ) that a couple shares, not the physical skills.

Now you get to share all this with a marriage counselor who is going to tell you how wrong swinging is and how much damage it causes marriages, just what you wanted to hear and what you wanted to impress upon your husband. I personally think you have much bigger issues in your marriage than the situation you described.

Mr. Menage_a_Trois

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

Well it sounds to me that you got what you deserved in this situation. I know that is harsh but what you did was harsh. The people I feel sorry for in this situation is the other couple. Mr. Menage_a_Trois

Not Harsh at all Mr. Menage.
Being new to swinging I often miss alot of what is going on. And this is one case in point. I made reference to her giving in and needing to stand her ground. While I still believe this, I did not take into account the other couple.
Thank you Sir for this comment. This is just one of many things I need to learn before jumping into the waters.
You have all been great in teaching me what the lifestyle is all about. So for those of you who ask questions, be prepared to learn something new. How ever much you may dislike the comments these people are here to help and most here have been there and done that, so they know of what they speak.
Again thanks for the eye opener.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[mr_mrskam]

My question would be, why come on a swingers site and ask for advice?

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by DodgeCouple94

[/U] I don't feel I manipulated my husband in any way. If anyone he manipulated me because he wouldn't drop it, and be content with the life we have had for 15 years.

Mrs

Well guess what, you did. You set him up and I think the counseling etc is just another way to make sure you rub his nose in it. Your own words betray you, and I can't say I'm buying the woman scorned routine here. I don't see anger here or hurt, I someone trying to teach their husband a lesson. I feel sorry for him.

[LOL_OMG]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Well guess what, you did. You set him up and I think the counseling etc is just another way to make sure you rub his nose in it. Your own words betray you, and I can't say I'm buying the woman scorned routine here. I don't see anger here or hurt, I someone trying to teach their husband a lesson. I feel sorry for him.

That was kind of my take on it. Sometimes the hardest thing is to look inside ourselves. Your husband and this other couple were victims of a scheme.

Mrs