We had our first experience, and don't think its for us...

[hrnycoupl414]

Mr. Hrnycpl here. I had to tell someone, so i figured this was the right place. We had our first "encounter" over this past weekend, and to be totally honest, I don't think this lifestyle is for us, mostly me. My sister offered to take our son overnight, so with that in mind, we figured we would visit wifeys sister and go out and have some fun. She lives a couple of hours away, and we usually take our son with us to see his auntie, but with the sitter already arranged, we figured we would go out and have some fun (and be able to sleep in the following morning).

This is a bit of a long read.

Ok, cut to how we ended up with our encounter. We went to a local bar that sister-in-law frequents. We had been there once before and were very comfortable there because of the nice people there. Well, one couple we had become friendly with on the last visit, knew that there was a possibility of some sort of swapping. Needless to say we hit it off with them after the first visit (nothing happened then), so with this second meeting we were even more comfortable. So we are at a bar, so obviously we are drinking and shooting pool (looser buys a round of Cuervo shots for the 4 of us), and we all get to that friendly feel good part of drinking....really nice buzz, borderlining on flat out drunk, which is not really a problem since we don't drink all that often. But we were cutting loose for an evening, so we figured that we owed it to ourselves to have some fun.

Well the night goes on and we continue to have a really great time with sis-in-law and our new friends up until the bar closes. Soon before the bar closes, sis-in-law leaves to go home and we are pretty much right behind her. Wifey is pretty drunk, but very coherent. She's your typical fun drinker who loves everyone the more she drinks. So all night, she's flashing her boobs at people and just having a fun time. So I go to check on sis-in-law (she was waiting for us in the car talking on cell phone) and let her know that we would be home later (she knows of our curiosity with the lifestyle). So wifey rides with the guy in the couple. He is "D" and she is "T". Anyway, as I was leaving the bar to go check on sis-in-law, i tell wifey, that she can kiss D if she wants to (they had already invited us back to their place). When I come back into the bar, she's making out with D. No problem, except for T is saying to wifey, that its not fair, and that if she keeps kissing her husband, that she will have to kiss me. T goes ahead and kiss me (it was ok, nothing to write home about though). This goes on for a few minutes and then we decide to leave the bar. I go and ride with T and we are talking, you know, general conversation. We get to their house and T pays their sitter and the sitter leaves. No sooner had the door closed behind the babysitter, and wifey was behind T, kissing her neck and rubbing her boobs.

The rest just seemed to happen really fast. We make our way back to their bedroom and wifey sits on the bed. D starts kissing wifey again and has his hand down the front of her pants. I start kissing T and she quickly gets my pants down and goes into giving me a blowjob. I look up and D has moved down to remove wifeys pants and underwear and is giving her oral. T stops blowing me and goes to help D with the oral on wifey. That goes on for a few minutes, while at the same time, T is stroking my cock. Then she goes back to blowing me and D gets into a 69 with wifey. I get T's pants and underwear off and go to give her oral. She suggests going into another room. I agree. Well she sits on follows me out, and puts in a "movie." Well she turns around so I can have her from behind and i get a few strokes into it and then I go limp.....damn brain. I start thinking. I can hear wifey getting the crap pounded out of her and she's moaning. So I figure that hell, at least one of us can get some action. T keeps trying to get me hard again, but by now, I am freaked out and even more nervous than I originally was. So she walks me back to wifey and tells D to let us have some time alone....well, the damage was already done for me. I couldn't get it back up. So now i am sitting there and wifey's face is buried in the bed. I am saying that she needs to get up so we can leave (silently freaking the hell out now!). I can hear D and T going at it in their living room. D comes back to see if he can get another run at wifey, and I tell him not just yet, so he goes back out to T and finishes with her. The entire time I am just trying to get wifey up so we can get dressed and leave. But she was pretty drunk still and wouldn't move. Well, after what seemed like forever, she finally moved and slowly got dressed and we said our goodbyes and left. She asked me was I mad, and I wasn't, I was just freaked out that I got nervous, and that she was soo drunk that she wouldn't move for a while.

We got lost driving home and when we finally did get back to sis-in-laws house, it was close to 5am. Wifey goes to pee and I go in the bathroom to wash my face. Well, now I have no problem getting it up, so I banged wifey against the sink for what seemed like forever. Then we moved to the spare bedroom where we kept going at it. But eventually wifey was sooo tired that she just had me stop, because she could barely keep her eyes open.

She left the room to go sleep on the couch (it was a twin bed in the spare room) and I slept on the spare bed. Well tried to sleep. I woke up at about 9:30 am and realized that my cell phone and wallet had fallen out of my pockets at D and T's house. So now I am back to freaking out again and I go wake wifey to tell her. She can see that I am freaked out, and asks me whats wrong. Turns out that she was sooo drunk, she doesn't remember getting it on with D. So I gave her the rundown of the past evening's events. Now she's not freaked out, just surprised at what went down. We realized that if we have to get that drunk to actually do anything, then we probably shouldn't be doing anything to begin with. My penis won't let me do anything that I am not ready for, therefore he goes limp when I think too much. And thats what happened. If we had all stayed in the same room, i probably wouldn't have had a chance to think, but I got up and went into another room, which gave me a chance to think, and therefore couldn't keep an erection. I was really embarassed and freaked out all at the same time. I can't stop thinking about what happened though. Like it was a turn on, and a turn off all at the same time.

Wifey knows me very very well, and could tell i was bothered by something, so I explained to her what was going on with me. Thats when we decided that it was probably a good idea for us to just have that one experience and keep it at that.

Lots of things just didn't go as planned. We had agreed that since she's curious about being with another woman, that I would just watch. Well other than some kissing, thats the extent of her interaction with another woman. We also had agreed (when we were sober) that she and the other woman would experience each other and that the men would watch until invited to join. Well with us being drunk, none of that happened, and all the rules we thought we had in place, kind of went out the window.

I just feel a bit guilty because if I hadn't given her the green light to kiss D, that none of this would have happened. I mean, it was fun at first, but now I am not so sure if it was a good idea.

Am I having normal thoughts and feelings? Because it was fun in the beginning, but in the end, it wasn't. I mean, wifey was supposed to finally see what its like to be with another woman, and she really didn't get that opportunity.

Fortunately, D and T are a cool couple and we could probably still hang out with them without any sexual interaction. At least thats the vibe I got the next day when we had to get my wallet and cell phone back. I think what freaks me out the most is the lack of control that we used in that situation.

Sorry for the long read....but I just had to get it off of my chest.

Any comments or insight is completely welcome. I would love to hear what anyone here has to say about our experience.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by hrnycoupl414

Am I having normal thoughts and feelings?

Yep...

In many ways, this was just like our first experience. We didn't separate and we weren't as drunk as you two seemed to have been - but much of the rest is the same.

You both need to step back - reasess your feelings about the lifestyle - and if you decide to try again, learn from your many mistakes this time around (less alcohol, same room play next time, more discretion, etc.)

The lifestyle is about mistakes - they are inevitable. Bad experiences are par for the course - it is how we come up with our best rules, frankly. But - this may be very much a sign that the lifestyle isn't for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Better to find a new hobby than a new wife

Spoomonkey

[Pepper & Drew]

It's kind of like when you first learned to drive. Just because you made a lot of mistakes didn't mean driving wasn't for you,.. it just meant you were a new driver. Same thing with swinging. As you go along, you'll probably find youself in some sticky situations, and perhaps the lifestyle really isn't for you, but it sounds like you guys got a little ahead of yourselves and your original rules. I think nearly every couple in the lifestyle has had some similar situation, especially early on. It's not fun, which is why we've decided that we won't let it happen again.

The one thing that we've learned is if it feels like it's happening too fast for you, then slow down. Most playmates will understand, and if they don't......oh well! But, the playmates won't know how you're feeling unless you communicate it to them.

Really, this just sounds like a newbie mistake. Nothing to beat yourself up over. Just learn from it and move on.

Pepper

[Mr. Truelove]

Am I the only one that realized from the way this story was sounding that they were both flat out drunk when they drove home?

Got lost on the way home eh? At least you made it home alive.

[hrnycoupl414]

Thanks for the replies girls and guys. I don't know if I will get up my nerve to try again. I am easily traumatized (sp?) when my "unit" fails. Thanks to the kind replies here, i do feel better about things. If we do, I think that we will be a LOT slower and a LOT more careful (not nearly as many drinks or shots). And yeah, we were still drunk when we drove home. Not something we normally do, but with me freaking out, all I wanted to do was get out of there before anything else embarassing happened. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, and definitely something i am not proud of.

If the situation does present itself again, we will just go slow, because up until my "failure," we were having a really good time. Fortunately, I think this is a couple we could still remain friends with, and not have to take our clothes off.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by hrnycoupl414

Thanks for the replies girls and guys. I don't know if I will get up my nerve to try again. I am easily traumatized (sp?) when my "unit" fails. Thanks to the kind replies here, i do feel better about things. If we do, I think that we will be a LOT slower and a LOT more careful (not nearly as many drinks or shots). And yeah, we were still drunk when we drove home. Not something we normally do, but with me freaking out, all I wanted to do was get out of there before anything else embarassing happened. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, and definitely something i am not proud of.

If the situation does present itself again, we will just go slow, because up until my "failure," we were having a really good time. Fortunately, I think this is a couple we could still remain friends with, and not have to take our clothes off.

Unit failure seems to be a VERY common problem with new swingers. I'd love to tell you I had the same problem and how I fixed it, but I'd be lying, thats never been an issue for us.

What is an issue is we screwed up and did seperate rooms our first time, and I was so worried about what the wife was doing that I rushed what I was doing, most likely seemed like a jerk, and prob ruined what could have been long term friends. We all made mistakes, some we didn't even know where mistakes until much later. I still smack myself in the forehead for that one.

So while your experiance seems pretty awful, it wasn't awful because of swinging, but because of the mistakes you made in too much to drink, seperate rooms, going to fast, etc.

It doesn't sound like jealousy or the like is your problem here (and I had a bit of that too) so I wouldn't give up but just live and learn from it.

[WesternSwing]

Don't be to freaked out. The issues you had are not completely uncommon, and it sounds like you and your wife are working through what happened. From my perspective here is some things that went wrong.

First, too much to drink. It really impaired your judgement (as you figured out) and it can also play a huge roll in maintaining your erection.

Second, playing seperate your first time. All was pretty cool when you could see your wife, but not knowing what's going on and hearing her going at it can be a pretty daunting thing. That certainly didn't help with your performance.

By the way, performance anxiety is not uncommon. If you decide to continue in the Lifestyle you will find it fades away as you become more comfortable.

It sounds like "T" was pretty sensitive to this fact. "D" might have been thinking with the little head too much, but he backed-off and didn't push it further. It sounds like they handled it pretty well themselves.

I don't know if swinging will be for you in the future or not, but it doesn't sound like it isn't a possibility. You had it pretty well worked-out, but a little too much liquid courage fogged your judgement and you lost sight of the prize. If there is a next time (and from what you wrote I think there will be ) stay allot more sober and stay in control. Stay together and enjoy the experience together. You've done nothing wrong, just a newbie mistake tha is very correctable.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing your experience.

Mr. WS

[LikeMinds321]

I think you wrote a great post and did a fine job of explaining your evening.

What I first noticed is that there was no anger, no blaming, in your post. You and your wife seem to mutually feel that your first swing was off course and not as you both had hoped. You're in agreement. That's great! To me, this is a sign that continuing to pursue swinging could probably work for you.

You experienced some of the most common discoveries people make with their first swing: 1) Drank too much and shouldn't have. 2) Played in different rooms. 3) Didn't stick to your original guidelines.

Number 1 is easy, don't drink so much next time.

Number 2 is easy, stay in the same room until you become more experienced and comfortable with playing separately, if you do decide to even try separate rooms again.

Number 3 is easy too, it is natural to find yourself changing plans on the spur. What is great with you two is that you both agreed to those changes when they occured. The guidelines you start with are usually changed and updated with experience.

Please don't give up. Take a time out. Discuss every feeling you have, you'll feel better and will likely be ready to try swinging again. That's my guess.

Oh, and failing to keep an erection up when starting out is so common that you shouldn't give that another thought.

LM

[Drknow]

I am not knowledgeable in the lifestyle as many of you are, but I can say one thing. Driving drunk is a terrible idea, someone can die, and having your first swing experience while being that drunk is almost as bad. This experience tells me you two must have a good marriage to come out of it the way you have, but how can you assess your ability to swing when you were under the influence that heavily.
I would say you shouldn't totally abandon the idea, just use a limited alcohol rule before you ever consider a little extracurriculal activity again.

[JustAskJulie]

Your thoughts and feelings are normal. Let me ask you..

Why do you feel it isn't for your?

Do you really think you HAD to get drunk to swing? Or is that just the way it went down this time?

Were either of you upset or jealous about what happened?

Swinging isn't for everyone but don't let one experience that didn't go the way you expected (and this is why we always say don't have expectations - because things NEVER go the way you expect) let you decide that the whole thing is not for you. If swinging is something you are still interested in, then examine what it was about the night that you didn't care for and don't let things go that way again.

Drinking: If swinging might even be a possibility you should not let yourselves get drunk. And when you don't drink often it takes even less to get you drunk. If you are so drunk that you can't remember what you did the next day then you are way too drunk to be having sex with anyone.

Seperate Rooms: This definately isn't for everyone. Examine how this was for you. Did you feel like you were missing something?

Going Soft: There are two major causes for this in your story and I'd bet that the bigger one was the alchohol but that the situation (the newness of it) didn't help at all either.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Mr. Hornycpl, I agree with all of the great advice you got.

Drinking definitely impairs many things, including your ability to guide things the way you want them to go, and very much with your ability to maintain an erection. I think that sober, going slowly, starting soft with FF and same-room, you two could have an entirely different experience. Until you feel more sure and comfortable about your erections (one of your main concerns), you could even limit the intercourse to your own spouse for as long as you need and want to.

It's very common and normal for newbies to let the other couple lead the way. The other couple led and directed all of the action, location and pace, and you both went along with everything their way. Nothing wrong with what they did, it just wasn't the best way for you.

If you and your wife spent time communicating together what you'd both prefer as a couple, and then talking it over with the other couple (and any future couples) ahead of time, things can go much better and more to your liking. In the Lifestyle, couples are continually talking about all of their experiences and honing their preferences, what it is they most like or dislike. They're evolving together, in other words.

Best wishes to you!

[LOL_OMG]

I would just like to add a little to some already great posts. It does seem like the people you met were pretty decent people. I especially like what T did when you were having issues, and brought you back to your wife.

Our first experience could have been much the same. We had invited a couple we had previously met to our place, and I'm pretty sure it was from nerves but the martinis were going down way too quickly for me. Mr LOL noticed I was over the line and wouldn't let things progress past some petting. He explained things to everyone there, "It's not that we don't like you both, but I want her to swing and not the booze." Everyone was very cool with it....the next time we got together was much better and I remembered everything the next day. YAY for my baby

Mrs LOL

[djjwp]

First time I did it I was in a hurry as I wanted to watch my wife get it. That caused some disappointment with the other wife I should have been giving attention to and made erection take some time to get. I was also nervous about how my wife would react to her first time out as he was only the second person to get into her after me.

Now that is past you and you both know that the other had fun but with some issues, yours erection and her not being sober enough to have remembered the fun, you can learn and move ahead of you want.

Take your time next time and don't drink. If she wants to, ok but someone should stay sober is our rule and alcohol is not your "buddy's" friend when nerves kick in. Also so it is better to have one person as the designated driver.

[VanHlebar]

I can tell you that from your post, MrsVan and I made almost all of those mistakes in our first or second encounters, with the exception of seperate room play.

Now, I just don't drink when we are going to play. I might have a beer or two, but nothing more than that. MrsVan is the same way, she might have a glass or two of wine, but we both want to enjoy the experience and well, we just plain didn't enjoy it that much when we were so drunk.

Staying hard is another issue. If you do a search you will find that this topic is often discussed on this board, and I even started one myself. I have no answer for you here. I have tried to work on my own issues and for me, it just appears as I grow more comfortable with the other couple then I don't seem to have as many issues.

All in all, I don't think that I would call this quits so quickly. You and your wife appear to be doing the right things at this moment. As others have already said, just slow down, talk alot more and then really take your time during you next encounter.

Good luck!

-Van

[hrnycoupl414]

WOW! I didn't expect this many replies. Thank you to everyone who contributed! Well I got home from work and wifey wasn't feeling too well. She said that she was just feeling "blah." I asked her if our activities this weekend were bothering her, and she said "a little bit." She couldn't remember what happened, and I think that is her main issue. Well I showed her my post and we read all of the replies together, and it has helped her as much as it has helped me. She's in bed right now, she was reading, but now she's having a text message conversation with "T" and it looks like we are going to be able to remain friends with them. We had only seen "D" after the encounter the next day when he brought me my wallet and cell phone. We were both a bit worried about how "T" was feeling after the whole ordeal, and from the looks of things, she's ok too!

You folks here have no clue as to how much you have helped the both us with all of your advice and kind words. We welcome all advice and comments. This was and still is a major learning experience for us. I don't know if we will ever make another attempt, but its reassuring to know that what we went through and how we are feeling is perfectly normal.