We had our first experience, and don't think its for us...

[Mr. Truelove]

[QUOTE=hrnycoupl414] Not something we normally do, but with me freaking out, all I wanted to do was get out of there before anything else embarassing happened. [QUOTE]

Understandable. It's something that strikes a little nerve with me, and I'm sorry for being so rude about it in my post. In all honesty I might have done the same thing had it been my wife being unresponsive.

It just struck me as odd that some people (I'm speaking very generally now) will be so cautious about safe sex, drugs, hygiene, etc, and then Drive impaired.

I really do feel for your situation, and I hope you both work your way through it. Thoughts are with you.

[hrnycoupl414]

^^^No apologies necessary. I didn't even think you were being rude. I took it as genuine concern for our well-being, and as a suggestion to be a lot more careful in the future, whether swinging or not. I mean, none of us should have been driving when we left the bar, let alone their house. But we survived and no real harm was done...thankfullly.

[Drknow]

I hope I didn't seem too harsh with my comments about alcohol, I didn't mean them as judgemental. One thing I appreciate about this site is the lack of moralizing over sex. My concern was simply that I felt that you were seeing all the negative in the light of whether this lifestlye was for you rather than what really caused the experience to be so negative. Everything spelled disaster from being intoxicated rather than disaster about swinging. Hope you don't give up on it.

[hrnycoupl414]

Again, thanks to everyone who responded. Well, we have been reading the posts and have been talking a lot about things. Last night we realised that we want to give it another shot....and another.....and another.....LOL! IF the opportunity comes up again. We agreed that being as drunk as we were won't happen again, and that we will be sure to stay in the same room.

It was just funny, we looked at each other yesterday evening and we both are on the same page in our relationship and wanna give it another go and see if we can have a better time with it. Who are we kidding?!?! We are always horny, and wanna try it again!

[malpine1968]

Let me just say that this thread has been absolutely fantastic to read!!
As someone who is recently single and looking for someone who may be interested in the lifestyle, this just reinforces why I love the idea of the lifestyle...the ability to enjoy the sexuality while at the same time the human aspect of jealousy, doubt, and conflict.
Clearly, alcohol played a huge part in the negative outcome. The good part is that is such an easy aspect to overcome.
You two seem to have the right attitude to become a part of the "community" and thrive in it!!
Best of luck, but overall, you don't seem to need it!

BTW, how do I find an openminded, rational woman that could be interested?

[TwoLittleBirds]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Better to find a new hobby than a new wife

Spoomonkey

Now THAT statement, Mr. Monkey, should be required reading for those who just don't get it; some very good wisdom.

Mr. Little Bird

[TwoLittleBirds]

To Mr. and Mrs. Horny,
Even though things didn't go well, and we're too new to offer advice, you guys really seem to be a good couple who have it together. Good communication is key, and mutual respect, too, and you two seem to have that.
Two Little Birds

[seattlecpl06]

I have to say that reading this post and the replies has been really useful to me.

I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations). I think that my girl and I both anticipate that for our first time, afterwards we will have to deal with some real, tough feelings. But we're both prepared to do that to reap the rewards -- a stronger relationship, a new, sexy way to express intimacy.

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

Well, that plus booze (good advice THERE too, and on our first encounter, we'll be sure to limit the liquid courage!)

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

(am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? [swinging] too many creepy connotations).

No, you're not the only one. I get images of crushed purple velvet, frilled shirts, bad teeth and even worse British accents. [shudder] Swing, baby, yeah!

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I think that my girl and I both anticipate that for our first time, afterwards we will have to deal with some real, tough feelings. But we're both prepared to do that to reap the rewards -- a stronger relationship, a new, sexy way to express intimacy.

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

Bad feelings afterward don't have to be a given. Deal with those feelings beforehand by digging in as deep as you can to root causes can rid you both of the insecurities that cause these issues in the first place. If you both go into the experience knowing where you stand with one another, how you feel about one another, and fully trusting one another to never knowingly hurt the other, you will find you will enjoy yourselves much more than if you didn't. The prep time is exhaustive, but it's worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. Well. Maybe not blood. LOL. But the sweat and tears, definitely. Lots of heart-rending discussion (the tears) and lots of make-up sex (the sweat ). And a good rule of thumb: if it's not uncomfortable to talk about, chances are you're not digging deep enough.

And about "alone play", it's just my personal opinion, but I feel that it's something that couples should not attempt unless they have a good foundation of experience in the lifestyle. Not only can it be dangerous to a relationship (when the imagination runs amok because the relationship's integrity has not yet been tried-and-true), but there is also physical safety to consider. People get really weird when it comes to sex, and that 'perfect gentleman' facade you saw at the bar can disappear alarmingly fast behind a closed door. It's just another thing to consider.

[NeotericCpl]

Wow, this is a really good thread. Just to agree with everyone else, a few things jumped out as things that weren't the best idea in hindsight:

1) Little too much to drink
2) Going separate room full swap your first time

But it sounds like while things didn't go perfect, they weren't horrible either. I agree that the best answer is just slow things down a bit, and don't separate until you've become 100% comfortable with it, as the above poster reccommended.

Also, if it makes the guys reading this feel any better, I also went limp on our first time alone with another couple. It was a little scary because I'm in my late 20s, healthy, and have never had any problems in that department. The ladies noticed and paid me some oral attention, which got things going but still wasn't what it should be. I thought it was the alcohol, but once the other couple left...BOOM...no problem! I then realized it was mostly due to nerves and things moving a little too fast without the normal foreplay.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I have to say that reading this post and the replies has been really useful to me.

I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations).

No, I don't either, but there doesn't seem to be too many better ones. Wife swapping sounds even worse, I think.

I think that my girl and I both anticipate that for our first time, afterwards we will have to deal with some real, tough feelings. But we're both prepared to do that to reap the rewards -- a stronger relationship, a new, sexy way to express intimacy.

There sometimes is some stuff that comes up. In my case stuff I thought would bother me didn't, and stuff I didn't even think would, did. It's not the issues, it's how you work through them that defines a relationship.

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

We do. But even alone play is together play for us. If Mrs. WS wants to play alone she asks me and gets my permission first. Same goes for me asking her. We just don't say "I'm going to go play with so-and-so... see ya'." Therefore we both have veto power if we wish. Also, we use the afterward to have great sex ourselves. Something about her being that naughty really gets me going.

Mr. WS

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by intuition897

No, you're not the only one. I get images of crushed purple velvet, frilled shirts, bad teeth and even worse British accents. [shudder] Swing, baby, yeah!

Oh good. I was worried that everyone else was just wild about it, and I was the only one who was a little turned off by its creepy 70's connotations. Let ALONE Austin Powers...

Bad feelings afterward don't have to be a given. Deal with those feelings beforehand by digging in as deep as you can to root causes can rid you both of the insecurities that cause these issues in the first place. If you both go into the experience knowing where you stand with one another, how you feel about one another, and fully trusting one another to never knowingly hurt the other, you will find you will enjoy yourselves much more than if you didn't.

I guess I don't mean hurting each other as much as just knowing that there will be some fears and insecurities brought up the first (few) time(s). I think we both expect this (and in fact the Swingers Board FAQ states it) so we're ready to do the work, because we think that with careful rules it will get less over time.

The prep time is exhaustive, but it's worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. Well. Maybe not blood. LOL. But the sweat and tears, definitely. Lots of heart-rending discussion (the tears) and lots of make-up sex (the sweat ). And a good rule of thumb: if it's not uncomfortable to talk about, chances are you're not digging deep enough.

Well that doesn't really sound like WORK. Honestly, though, my girl and I are extremely open and honest with each other, and getting more so every day. We have deep, hours-long talks -- and not always about "easy" subjects. So while our communication isn't PERFECT (whose is?), it's pretty darned good. I think we both have realistic expectations about "the lifestyle" (which, to me, is a condom... *snort*) -- the good parts AND the (initially) uncomfortable parts.

And about "alone play", it's just my personal opinion, but I feel that it's something that couples should not attempt unless they have a good foundation of experience in the lifestyle. Not only can it be dangerous to a relationship (when the imagination runs amok because the relationship's integrity has not yet been tried-and-true), but there is also physical safety to consider. People get really weird when it comes to sex, and that 'perfect gentleman' facade you saw at the bar can disappear alarmingly fast behind a closed door. It's just another thing to consider.

Very good point. I think that we both have agreed that right now we're not ready to see the other disappear into a locked room with a stranger -- for so many reasons. We haven't shut the door; some day in the future, we may be comfortable with that. But at first, we're setting a strict "no alone play" rule that we won't relax until we both feel very comfortable about it.

You've got great, thought-provoking responses. Thanks!

[Tybee Swing]

Hi seattlecpl06, welcome! Welcome

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I'm the male half of a couple contemplating swinging (am I the only one who doesn't really like that word? too many creepy connotations).

Yeah, I wish there was a better word for it, too! It needs to be a verb. "The Lifestyle" doesn't usually fit in conversation. LOL

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I was wondering; are there some couples that never permit "alone play?" From what I've been reading and thinking, that seems to be one of the biggest problem-causers.

Yes, many people prefer same-room. It's not necessarily about not permitting or allowing it, it's actually a preference for many of us. So, it doesn't have to be about level of experience or insecurities.

We are a same-room couple because for us, the biggest turn-on is seeing each other having sex. We just love to watch each other. We even prefer same-bed, because we like to be able to make eye contact, touch each other, kiss, engage in acts together and with the others at the same time. It's way more exciting for us that way. facelick

[twobears]

Hay,don't stop swinging and enjoying yourself,we are fairly new also and you learn at each time. Yes being able to talk about the things you would like to change and yes have fun but I learned the hard way not to drink toooo much,takes away from the evening. Good Luck to you two and go have fun!!! Next time you will get hard if not my hubby takes a small pill when he needs it, has health problem sometimes keeps him hard and can't cum other times want get hard,so take it easy and see your doctor if it keeps up for a pill,it was just nerves oh that will pass. Good Luck and Happy Swinging!!

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi seattlecpl06, welcome! Welcome

Thank you kindly This seems like a good place.

Yeah, I wish there was a better word for it, too! It needs to be a verb. "The Lifestyle" doesn't usually fit in conversation. LOL

Yeah, it sounds kinda cult-ish when used too many times. "We're in the lifestyle. Have you heard of the lifestyle??? Hubby and I just started the lifestyle and we really love the lifestyle!!!" Eesh. Can't we just say we like to have sex with other people than our spouse/significant other and that our spouse/significant other shares and approves? Or is that too wordy?

Hmmmm...

Yes, many people prefer same-room. It's not necessarily about not permitting or allowing it, it's actually a preference for many of us. So, it doesn't have to be about level of experience or insecurities.

We are a same-room couple because for us, the biggest turn-on is seeing each other having sex. We just love to watch each other. We even prefer same-bed, because we like to be able to make eye contact, touch each other, kiss, engage in acts together and with the others at the same time. It's way more exciting for us that way. facelick

I could see that. I think that at first, the same-room "rule" will help to soothe any lingering fears or insecurities. I talked it over with the female half, and she agrees -- the THOUGHT of me going off with some hot woman and screwing her senseless makes her a little squirmy, but she said that if she was right there, watching it it wouldn't be scary. There's something, right now, about the thought that's worse than the real thing. In some ways it's like the imagination can run wild, and it makes things worse than they are.

Don't know if THAT makes sense!

Anyway, thanks again for the welcome