first full swap.... everyone thought we had a good time, but one person felt left out

[girlsnboys]

My husband and I met a couple online that seemed so similar to us, young fit attractive into the same things. We decided to meet for dinner and had a great time, we were drinking throughout the evening and the fellas were holding up pretty well, although she and I were getting really tipsy. It got hot and heavy towards the end of the night - and we ended up going over to their house.

I was relaxed, excited, and completely ready(hubby and I had several talks about possible scenarios) for what may happen. She was a bit spazzed about it (what are we going to do how are we going to do it?) , but clearly really excited. I made it clear that we're not predators, I told her not to worry that nothing would happen that she didn't agree to, no one wold want to violate anyones trust.

Her boyfriend was wayyy into it and seemed to have orchestrated the trip to their house. He had sheets ready at the house a drawer full of condoms and lube (they're committed and don't use them on eachother) and a fresh bottle of booze.

Well hubby and I had a great time and so did they (we thought) we went to breakfast together the next morning and spoke of re-arranging our schedules to do it again next weekend (minus the excessive alcohol!). Everythign was roses i thought. I called the next day as a courtesy to make sure everyone was feeling good about what happened - and it turns out that her boyfriend felt left out. Now I spent a lot of time with him, and so did his girlfriend - and I'm a bit shocked.

I understand that logic and feelings are't usually aligned - but I thought we had a blast, and we were always in the same room, so I don't think I missed anyone getting upset. It seems they hadn't really prepared?? for what happened - when it looked to me like it was pretty planned -- is it our responsibility as a couple to find out if another couple has had "the talk" before getting together???

I mean wouldn't a couple just do that before jumping in? Not to mention this was our first couples experience too(we had one 3some ages ago)- the experience itself was great - but I guess not so much if someone got their feelings hurt. Has this ever happened to anyone? Please share!

[lovedoctor]

Wow! It sounds like your experience was really different than his! I find that very strange, to say the least. I am interested in knowing who you talked to (him or her) and why he felt left out. Is he an egomaniac or what? Or maybe he really wanted a 3-some, settled for a 4-some and decided it didn't work...

It would stand to reason that you feel bewildered (and maybe hurt and upset) about this. I would hesitate to see this couple again even if you talk it out and get to the bottom of why he says he felt this way.

We haven't had anything like this happen to us, but I hope someone out there on the cyber-couch can help you...

[BradAndJanet]

I doubt you did anything wrong, girlsnboys. Was this their first time too? Sometimes the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy and unexpected feelings arise.

-B

[girlsnboys]

Lovedoctor, it was the girlfriend that I spoke to after the fact. And yes Brad it was their first couples experience together also. however they'd had several previous three-somes male & female, so they aren't complete strangers to the life. since it was our first time too i'm still a bit raw about it. like when you give someone a present and they hardly notice--only much deeper. Next time we will be more discerning, and ask all kinds of questions before letting our loins do the talking.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by girlsnboys

since it was our first time too i'm still a bit raw about it. like when you give someone a present and they hardly notice--only much deeper. Next time we will be more discerning, and ask all kinds of questions before letting our loins do the talking.

Letting the big head do the thinking is definitely the way to go.

I have to wonder...you mentioned that feelings were hurt. What exactly was the "present" that you were giving them? To get to the point, many (if not most) swingers see the sex as just that: sex. It's not "fucking", where you're using other people and only care about yourself, but neither is it "lovemaking". Lovemaking is something that we reserve for our own partner. It's not even something we CAN do with other people, because we do not love them...not like we love our husbands and wives.

I think that's a big myth that's floating around out there, that if you can't call it lovemaking, then it's "fucking", plain and simple. But that's such an ugly term, and it hardly fits the way we treat our swing partners. There IS a happy medium.

[girlsnboys]

being a newbie, i run the risk of being a bit naive. but i kinda feel like we gave our swinging cherry? lol to this couple. now we're all adults and we gave it up fair and square -- but I feel like this guy is being selfish. it was sex, it was hot -- no one said i love you to their swing partner -- but things were said in the throes that may have bruised some feelings. she said hot stuff to my man that her b/f didn't appreciate, and so did I - i apologized to my husband, and we're working it out. but I feel as though we're being cast aside here. thanks for listening everyone, i appreciate it.

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by girlsnboys

...i kinda feel like we gave our swinging cherry?

...things were said in the throes that may have bruised some feelings. she said hot stuff to my man that her b/f didn't appreciate, and so did I - i apologized to my husband, and we're working it out...

...I feel as though we're being cast aside here. thanks for listening everyone, i appreciate it.

You did give up the cherry girl! Now you will be wiser. I think it is natural to lament, but then you need to pick up and go on, use it as a stepping stone, not a stumbling block!! I always like to look at any experience that way!

The things said in the throes of sex may have upset the Ms. of the other couple. Who knows, her BF may think you are the cat's meow and she is jealous. In any event, you don't need to get further embroiled in their drama.

You and your hubby have learned lesson 1 in swinging: it's about bringing your relationship to a higher level. If you can learn about yourselves from this and be better off for it (which you can!) then you are going to take away a positive, not a negative from the whole thing. Remember, it's you two as a pair. It hurts the ego now, but eventually you will be laughing about those losers ( sorry about spreading negative karma here...) Also, it just brings home that golden rule about how to treat others. See, you have grown so much in such a short time!!!

[intuition897]

Swinging cherry... Yeah, I guess you did. But pas de probleme m'dears, as Lovedoctor said, you'll be rolling your eyes and laughing about this before long. The key is to just stay flexible and forgive each other, because you know you're gonna make mistakes. The first ones have already been made, so sort 'em out and move on. Best of luck to you both!

[FunBoy]

My opinion.... The guy got jealous. He didn't like watching his girlfriend do someone else as much as he thought he would and it freaked him out. Instead of telling her how he truly feels, he will lie and say he felt left out.
I've seen this before. In fact, I've been involved with a couple where this exact thing happened. I bet in the end you find out the truth.... His urges over-ruled his emotions. Thinking about swinging/swapping and actually doing it are two totally different things.

[JTcamp05]

What if you made plans well in advance and everything was fine...you and your spouse show up...your spouse is ready ect.... and a member is the other couple.....had a cold or menstrating or for whatever reason not able to keep up..... Hey grow up things happen....... It sure doesnt sound to me like you two did anything wrong.......sounds like he was not ready for his fanticy to come true!! Hang in there there are plenty of other nice couples out there!

[confunktion]

You guys are going to be just fine. Experience helps to make us what we are, and you will be better off going through this. At least it wasn't a complete train wreck - some ot the rendezvous posted here still give me the shivers. You are communicating with your loved one as well, and that is HUGE; you will reap the dividends from that. Best of luck to you both!

Mr. Funk

Originally Posted by intuition897

But pas de probleme m'dears...

Tish, I love it when you speak French...

[Edison Carter]

Susan here: First off, the problem is definitely not you; it's not really them either. Most people that have a threesome or foursome do not repeat the experience even if they had a great time at that moment. The truth is most people are not 'wired' for it psychologically. It's one of those things that sounds good, but reality can be much different. In my case, I always prequalify a couple very strongly. In fact, newbies aren't typically for us because thay have not sorted through their emotions yet. However, direct questions like,"When my husband is making your wife orgasm and she's begging for more, are you okay with that ?" often clears the air and brings a focus that sex is fun, but it's serious too.

The simple fact is that most people cannot have sex with someone and not feel a bond. It's brain chemistry and Jungian psychology in play. I know I feel it, but I know not to indulge it. I have always adored my Edison and know the moments with a friend or new lover in the Lifestyle cannot transend the depths of the relationship that I have with him.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by FunBoy

My opinion.... The guy got jealous. He didn't like watching his girlfriend do someone else as much as he thought he would and it freaked him out. Instead of telling her how he truly feels, he will lie and say he felt left out.
I've seen this before. In fact, I've been involved with a couple where this exact thing happened. I bet in the end you find out the truth.... His urges over-ruled his emotions. Thinking about swinging/swapping and actually doing it are two totally different things.

Yeah me too. Sometimes things aren't as they seem. Couples in the lifestyle sometimes THINK they have great communication...but really don't. Don't kick yourself at having met a guy who decided that he isn't where you or we are, and don't kick him too hard either, especially if it's his first time 2 on 2.

I personally think it's okay to use the same techniques that you use when you are with your wife or SO. Lovemaking? I think that is what sets you as a couple apart in the first place. I think some swingers get way into overdrive when they start talking about the line between what is "acceptable behavior" and what isn't. You should always be prepared for when someone is really into something. I hear it all the time...we'll never find someone who turns our cranks like our own partner...so the question has to be asked...why do it in the first place if swinging isn't going to even come close to what happens between a couple who's married or committed. You have to be allowed to let yourself go. Just what kind of things were said that this fella thinks were borderline? I think it may be time to reassure the other couple that you had a GREAT time and that you liked the idea that everyone seemed to like each other and that is what you are looking for...that kind of interaction. If they can't handle it as a couple then you'll have to find someone closer to your ideal. I just think it's terrible when a couple "dumps" another because of something that is so solveable.

M.D

[swinger2b]

Our first "group" session was with some people we are friendly with and my wifes best friend. I thought it was great, but my wife didnt like seeing me and her friend and said she felt left out even though she got plenty of attention from three different guys.

[girlsnboys]

I have to say the feedback and support you all have given here is awesome. Thank you all so much. Things are so never so clear esp where feelings and the heart are concerned -- everyone here has said something true, that has helped us understand what happened and how things could be better later.

Is it just my impression, or are swingers very in tune psychologically and comfortable in their own skin -- enough so to let the ones they love free and watch them fly back. All the contributors on this board with their knowledge of the lifestyle, are able to help people come to terms with and shed the hang-ups of society.


The way I feel after this experience (that overall was completely hawt) is that I have grown, and learned - and have a deeper understanding of my marriage, and the way i love and give love to others. We're looking forward to contiuing our search for the holy grail
Thank you!!!