First threesome, now husband has regrets...

[semntj]

My wife and I had a threesome last weekend with a single man. We met with him and talked for about 3 hours before we got to the action. It was my idea and she thought it sounded fun. It was fun and exciting that night. The next day my wife and I talked about it a lot, she was very excited and I could see that she wanted to talk to the man very badly, she kept waiting for him to come online so they could chat. She also was talking about making plans to do it again the next weekend. This made me very uneasy about the whole situation because it immediatly went beyond the sex that night to more. Keep in mind she is NOT hiding this from me, the chating is about things that happened that night (which I really had no problem with) but quickly moved on to personal beliefs, physical attraction, and well just things that had nothing to do with sex, and he was very good at bringing up little things that she had mentioned in our talking that night and really getting into her head. (although she won't admit it).

I started feeling very insecure about the situation and talked with her about it in detail. Two days later I talked to the guy online because he had one of my wifes ear rings that was lost there. I was honest with him too and said I was having bad feelings. I went and got the ear ring that day and later showed my wife our archived chat session. She signed on and immediatly started talking with him again but not telling him I was sitting with her reading along. The chat was more of the same as the first time, that night, sex, how hot each of them are, shooting cum, and lots of personal views. He took every opportunity to get into her head again. 'Yes I had to put your ear ring on before I gave it back to you" type of stuff, She then decided that she wanted to web cam for him and give me a blow job. I said you don't want to give ME a blowjob, you want to do it for him, to impress him, to feed him more of you... theres more but this is getting too long.......

to make a long story short, I am uncomfortable with this, am I insecure or is this nothing to be concerned about?....

[intuition897]

If this is a first time for both of you, I'd say she's a) still feeling the rush that it gives you to have an incredible sexual experience, and b) still not understanding that sex and love are not the same thing. It sounds like she's still in denial about the fact that he's 'getting into her head'. I don't think you're being paranoid at all. If you're getting negative feelings, it means something is not right somewhere. You have a couple of options. 1) You can let her get her infatuation out of her system and 'date' Mr. Wonderful. this would be an option if you wanted to just know the truth about your relationship and what it is worth to her. Would she choose to stay with you in the end? After the novelty wore off, she'd come to realize that he's just a cute package and a good f**k (pardon my french), and that the love you offer her is deeper, more permanent and infinitely more valuable than anything he could offer her. Plus she might start to see that he's trying to oust your position in her life by 'getting into her head', whether he wants to admit it or not.
2) You can give her an ultimatum. No more chats, no more email, no more contact. You're just too uncomfortable. And if she can't respect that, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Option #1 is the most dangerous of course, but the results are much more final. There's nothing left to wonder about. Let her know VERY specifically how her attitude - AND his - make you feel (that you are being pushed aside or left out, that your feelings are not being respected, that your position as her primary life-partner is not being respected by HIM, and/or that your acceptance of her sexuality and attraction to others is being taken for granted. This kind of freedom is not something that every man could offer her.) This is a tough situation to be in. It just seems to me that you're both just starting the learning curve that everyone goes through when starting out. Don't either of you let your emotions get the better of you. Just stick to what's most important (each other) and it'll work out.

[semntj]

intuition897 TY for the response.

So if I was to consider option 1, what are you saying? I should make sure we do this again with him. Kind of overlook the chat and such and just see what happens? To be honest I am not sure I could do that. We have been married for 13 years and have young children. I don't think I can just sit back and watch while someone tries to emotionally seduce my wife, especially if it's working.

Last time they chatted they talked about why I had bad feelings, she told him that I am jealous of him because he has a weight lifting body. I have no idea where that came from as I never said that and it's not the case. I wondered why she told him that???

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by semntj

My wife and I had a threesome last weekend with a single man. We met with him and talked for about 3 hours before we got to the action. It was my idea and she thought it sounded fun. It was fun and exciting that night.

Since it was your idea to try a threesome, I think it is safe to say your wife has no intention of looking for someone to replace you. You suggested the threesome and she agreed. It turned out fun for all of you, and she realized what a boost to her self-image it was to have another man find her sexy and fun to be with.

The next day my wife and I talked about it a lot, she was very excited and I could see that she wanted to talk to the man very badly, she kept waiting for him to come online so they could chat. She also was talking about making plans to do it again the next weekend. This made me very uneasy about the whole situation because it immediatly went beyond the sex that night to more.

She's on a high right now. Wanting to talk to your playmate the next day is very normal when the play has gone well. Her eagerness to have more of the fun you introduced her to is natural. I think next week is too soon, since you are not comfortable with this idea. If you haven't yet told your wife what you have told us, you need to, before you play with anyone else. I think you may have thought swinging would be more wam-bam, while your wife is discovering a friendship blooming. Many swingers like that type of relationship with their play partners, others do not. You and your wife should discuss your views on this.

Keep in mind she is NOT hiding this from me, the chating is about things that happened that night (which I really had no problem with) but quickly moved on to personal beliefs, physical attraction, and well just things that had nothing to do with sex, and he was very good at bringing up little things that she had mentioned in our talking that night and really getting into her head. (although she won't admit it).

You talk about this man "getting into her head" and I sense you are feeling threatened by his ability to develop rapport and friendship with your wife, and his talent for making her feel sexy and good about herself. Knowing that another man can do these things for your wife can make you feel uneasy. You need to tell her this. You need to let her know you need confirmation that you are her one and only man in her world, that she loves you. And you've got to believe her. If there is any doubt in either of your minds, you should reconsider swinging.

I started feeling very insecure about the situation and talked with her about it in detail. Two days later I talked to the guy online because he had one of my wifes ear rings that was lost there. I was honest with him too and said I was having bad feelings. I went and got the ear ring that day and later showed my wife our archived chat session. She signed on and immediatly started talking with him again but not telling him I was sitting with her reading along. The chat was more of the same as the first time, that night, sex, how hot each of them are, shooting cum, and lots of personal views. He took every opportunity to get into her head again. 'Yes I had to put your ear ring on before I gave it back to you" type of stuff, She then decided that she wanted to web cam for him and give me a blow job. I said you don't want to give ME a blowjob, you want to do it for him, to impress him, to feed him more of you... theres more but this is getting too long.......

to make a long story short, I am uncomfortable with this, am I insecure or is this nothing to be concerned about?....

Discussing personal views on life is what happens when you build a friendship with people. If you don't want that happending with your swing partners, you and your wife are going to have to come to an agreement on how to handle swinging. I see the playmates mention of the ring as a simple flirt. Regarding your wife wanting to web cam: sure she wants to show what she can do and turn this other guy on, that's part of swinging. You did decide to share your wife, sexually.

I think your wife will come down from Cloud 9 and float a few feet off the ground, where you can both come to terms with how you'd like to proceed and in so doing, you'll have set up some new guidelines for swinging.

Sit down and talk some more. Take some deep breaths, exhale, smile if you can, even make jokes when you discuss your worries, insecurities, and concerns. If you fear loosing her love, tell her.

All of my advice is based on the presumption that you have a good marriage, without current relationship problems.

LM

[intravox]

Hello,

Talking from my perspective as single man involved in several MFM experiences. It is not fair for the couple, if this guy is aware of the impression he caused on your wife (and even if he is not) he should restrain himself of keep chatting exclusively with your wife (or getting into her mind)

And you have the right of ask him to stop the communication with her, (I would change my attitud if I'm asked to do so, after all we are the invited not the "driver").

You will read many suggestions about how to deal with your sweetheart, but I recommend you also to stop the train for this guy.

This is my 2 cents.

Intra_Vox

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by intravox

You will read many suggestions about how to deal with your sweetheart, but I recommend you also to stop the train for this guy.

intravox has a very good point.

If you find this guy objects to cooling it, then he's not the kind of playmate you'd want to see again.

LM

[SexhoundDog]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Sit down and talk some more. Take some deep breaths, exhale, smile if you can, even make jokes when you discuss your worries, insecurities, and concerns. If you fear loosing her love, tell her.

All of my advice is based on the presumption that you have a good marriage, without current relationship problems.

LM

I think LikeMinds just about says it all in her reply, but her closing comment struck me the most. If you've got a good marriage, this guy shouldn't be able to emotionally steal your wife. I totally agree that she's still on a high from the newness and another guy making her feel sexy, but she has to care about your concerns too.

I didn't think your post was that long at all. You didn't mention what your wife's reaction was when you mentioned feeling a touch insecure. Was she vague, reassuring, or . . ?

And I see LikeMinds had another reply pop in before I finished this one which addressed my next question. What was the guy's reaction when you told him you were having bad feelings? If he didn't give you some reassurance that he was happy just being the so called "stunt cock" and had no designs on your wife, perhaps you'd better say buh bye to this guy. But before doing that, talk to your wife and tell her why you think you need to say so long . . just to see what her reaction is too.

I can understand her wanting to fuck the guy again, and if you can't, you should have never considered having a threesome. But you aren't unreasonable at all in wanting the emotional assurance from her that you're "still #1." I hope you can all have a happy ending. Good luck

[EmpyreanPleasur]

I started feeling very insecure about the situation and talked with her about it in detail. Two days later I talked to the guy online because he had one of my wifes ear rings that was lost there. I was honest with him too and said I was having bad feelings. I went and got the ear ring that day and later showed my wife our archived chat session. She signed on and immediatly started talking with him again but not telling him I was sitting with her reading along. The chat was more of the same as the first time

This is the part that concerns me. If you had spoken to him, he should have seen red flags and backed off and said so in his subsequent conversation...something like, "I understand your husband has some concerns...etc" not continue as if nothing had been said to him.

On the other hand, I see her behavior as pretty typical. She is excited over her newfound fun. That doesn't mean SHE has her head in the wrong place over this.

You two need to talk more and agree not to have conversations with him, either online or in person, until you have reached a point of comfort for BOTH of you in this situation. Tell him what you are doing so he is not left hanging while you work things out.

There are so many things to learn when you are new to this. One of the things that needs to be discussed before you start is not only what you expect of each other before and during an experience, but what to do AFTER it. How will you handle on ongoing relationship and what will your limits be after you play with someone.

Some of these things, we simply learn as we go.

[Just_us49]

We had a guy like that one time we chatted with for several weeks. He sounded like he wanted a wife more than a swing partner. We cut it off. If we ran into that again with a man or woman, we would cut it off.

If either of us is uncomfortable for any reason, even if it makes no sense to the other, we stop. We try to live by "prefer one another."

-D

[curious24]

In reading and being a single male here are my thoughts on the matter.

From what I have read it seems to me that she is on a high. You have been married for 13 years and haven't been with anyone else. So it seems natural to me she's excited. Maybe what you could do is tell her that you do not feel comfortable with this guy and find another single guy you do feel comfortable with.

If she says no, then I would tend to think that you might have a problem. If she says yes (like I think she should say) then I would think that you don't have a problem.

Just for the fact that he's getting into her head would send flags for me to stop playing/talking to the guy and find a new friend. You don't want someone to come in and try to mess up your strong healthy relationship with your wife.

You also don't have to be rude about it especially since you suggested the threesome in the first place. You could say something like "well we've tried the mfm so why don't we look for another couple/single lady/single male?" If she is stuck on this one guy suggest that there are a lot of "experiences" to be had out there not just this one guy. I think this will definitely give you some direction as to what is going on in your wife's head.

Hope this helps!

[semntj]

Thank you all for the replies.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and I believe in my heart that she would never cheat on me. That's why I can't understand this, why do I have these feelings? When I told her I felt this way about it at first she assured me that she wouldn't let anything happen and that she wasn't looking for another relationship. She said we could just stop talking to this guy and find a couple for the next time. But as soon as the excuse was there to chat with him again, she was all over it. I believe my wife would stop before anything got out of control, but what about the guy? What if he already has or developes feelings? It was his first time with a couple too and he hasn't been with anyone for a while. She wasn't the only one that took something away from this, he has to be on cloud nine as well. I just didn't think of all the emotional aspects and such before we did this. I feel like I have spoiled the whole situation for my wife now and became the bad guy for feeling the way I do. Like giving something and then taking it away, I am just sick about that...

[EmpyreanPleasur]

Oh no...don't feel like that! You must never feel guilty over your "feelings" they are what they are! Simple as that.

You two simply need to talk more. Maybe she is not getting clear signals about how you really feel, or that you feel seriously threatened.

Find some time where neither of you is distracted and sit down and talk about this and don't stop your conversation until you've come to some sort of resolution.

You'll do fine!

BTW...no one ever said that you can NEVER feel insecure or uncertain in this lifestyle. It happens. What matters is how you deal with it!

[Just_us49]

Originally Posted by semntj

Thank you all for the replies.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and I believe in my heart that she would never cheat on me. That's why I can't understand this, why do I have these feelings?

Just my opinion but I think you're picking up on the fact that this guy, whether he realizes it or not, is emotionally manipulating your wife.

If I sensed that going on, even if I was over re-acting a bit, we would cool it. I know some people would say if your relationship is strong and you're taking care of your wife emotionally, don't worry...I disagree..anybody can be emotionally "taken" given enough time...

just my .02 cents


-D

[RNDNV]

Well Semntj, I would be less than candid if I said you didn't have anything to worry about. Until that last post, there were either way things could go, but the fact that this was everyone's virgin play definitely puts me in the camp of those who would think you wife and this other guy have more things going on than a shared appreciation for good sex.

IMHO, THERE IS A RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPING HERE!

For the forseeable future, you would be better served partying with more lifestyle experienced couples for awhile, but that said, you guys need to resolve this issue with this guy once and for all before any more play takes place. You guys need to get clear, and she is clearly not being sensitive to your fears, and if anything, she is feeding your insecurities with her behavior.

Under normal circumstances, I would never recommend to anyone to tell their spouse or partner "you need to cut it off with this person" (I am of the "let them go and if they fly away they were never your's to begin with" camp), but your wife is already ignoring your concerns and you have kidlets, so there is more than just the two of you at stake.

I think you are in for a period of rough transition ahead, but if you can survive this, and your wife gets some more other men under her belt, via couples preferably, then I would agree the novelty will wear off.

BUT IT MIGHT NOT. So ultimately, the best advise I can give you is to continue to keep your eyes and ears open, and your own jealousy and insecurity issues in check the best you can.

Best wishes.

[LikeMinds321]

Now that I know this swing experience was a first for the guy, and also that he has not been in a sexual relationship for a while, I do think he will have a greater tendency to become emotionally attached to a female swing partner. But this is a risk that goes with the territory.

This doesn't mean he is a bad guy, it means he's inexperienced, as are you, and you are all learning by this first experience.

It was your wife who jumped online with him again after you had your chat with him. He didn't contact her. If I were him, and inexperienced, I'd presume your wife contacted me because you were okay with that.

At this point, I can't see that anyone is wrong, or to blame, so don't try to look for that as a way to solve this dilemma. It won't do a thing to improve matters. Stop beating yourself up, discuss this with your wife, both of you face what IS: When you swing it can be an emotionally charged event and you have to watch that you don't start giving more of yourself to your play partner than to your spouse.

What you are going through is common, and you will find resolve.

LM