An amazing week - First Explorations

[Steely Dann]

Last Saturday my wife and after several difficult years of marriage were discusing...again...divorce. I had discovered a fairly innocent, but innappropriate email exchange with one of her clients. In short, a client was propositioning her and she was tacitly encouraging him, certainly not discouraging him. She didn't see it that way at first but after rereading the exchange, realized it went too far. By itself it was certainly no reason to split, but it was just the latest in a long series of problems that all seemed to indicate that we just were not bonding.

I was hurt, but also...truth be told... aroused. Sensing that there was nothing to lose, I decided to confess this to my wife and told her that I had masturbated imaging her making love to another man. This was a huge revalation, because it was not at all the sort of communication we were accustomed to. It was direct, honest and uncomfortable. She was surprised but after I suggested that if we explored this fantasy, it might help us in some way, she listened. I wasn't sure exactly how to go about it or where it would lead, but I just had this instinct that we had struck an emotional nerve that could teach how to better communicate.

We stumbled onto this board and explored the forums first...we had never surfed adult material together before. We discussed how to go about exploring the fantasy and settled on a plan for last Friday night. My wife would go out to happy hour and flirt. The game was that she could meet somebody, talk, maybe dance, get or give an email and then we would both go home make love and talk about it later. We both agreed that this was as far as we wanted to take it for the first night. I was at the bar acting as though I didn't know her and watching. Although the evening pretty much went according to plan it didn't have the expected result. At times durning the evening I felt bad, as though I was using her as bait, and pimping her out, waiting for some one to hit on her. She is an amazingly attractive woman and she WAS hit on several times...but during those times when she sat alone I felt as though she didn't deserve this form of psuedo evaluation. When she was hit on I watched, but it wasn't as exciting as I expected, I could see that her conversations were friendly but she did not come across as eager to be approached or picked up. She loves me and although she was playing her role, it was hard to disguise that she didn't really want another man. Near the end of the evening she wound up talking with a large, black man who turned out to be a high ranking military officer. She even danced with him once, assuming this would turn me on. She also got his business card and email address and proudly showed it to me when we left.

I suppose the game went pretty much as planned, but it didn't feel the way I expected it to. How did I feel? Bored sometimes, thinking that it would be more fun to pick up my wife myself, buy her a drink and dance with her, rather than watching others. Afterwards, I must admit to some degree of insecurity, but that was to be expected and it wasn't too bad. Curiously it wasn't all that arousing...a little bit, but only when I indulged in more fantasy, imagining the scenario that occured escallating to a sexual encounter.

HOWEVER, something very positive came about. My appreciation and love for my wife grew immensely! Not because I was jealous or turned on, but because she was willing to explore something very different and uncomfortable in order to please me. I didn't push her to do it, but she was willing to try it for me and our relationship. I was impressed with her ability to experiment, and the confidence she displayed as she played her role. I saw a new, experimental and very sexy new side of her. And I think my wife appreciated my honesty, my ability to reveal myself to her, my desire to be careful about how we approached the "experiment" from the perspective of safety, and ethics, and my respect for her bounderies and wishes (I would not have pushed for this "experiment" without her willing consent).

We spent a good portion of the next day, discussing what happend and our feelings with a depth and honesty that we had never approached before. I think we discovered that swinging or at least this form of voyeurstic swinging wasn't for us. Both of us would have tried it again, if the other wanted to, but neither felt there was much to be gained. Nevertheless, the "experiment" has made us feel better and stronger than ever. We've been on the brink of divorce several times...mostly due to lack of communication. This weekend we've become so close that we're seriously discussing renewing our vows. It's like after nearly four difficult years of marriage, we've cracked the code and everything is brand new. Hard to explain but wonderful!

I suppose that's it...a happy ending, actually a happy new begining. I just wanted to share this, because we've read so many accounts of how swinging has made so many of you so close and so happy. In just a week, and without really trying it out in much depth...it also made a huge positive impact on us. Probably has nothing to do with the swinging (since we didn't get that far!)...more to do with being able to share our thoughts, ideas and fantasies with each other and learning to discuss them and explore them non judgementally. We both said today that this has been an AMAZING week!

[corkwan]

that is very cool. sometimes it takes something both exciting and scary to bring you together, re-establishing trust and communication. i hope your years ahead are good, but you will probably need to remember all of these revelations you had during this amazing week. marriage is not easy, but when it works, it more than makes all the effort worthwhile... congratulations.

[intuition897]

Congratulations Steely Dann, it sounds like you guys have indeed cracked the 'code'. Amazing what swallowing one's pride can do, isn't it? People try to define swinging and some would say that only 'real' swingers go all the way (full-swap). I say swinging isn't so much an act as an attitude. It's all about what it's used for. Some couples only need to use a little bit of swinging activity, such as going to a bar and pretending not to know one another and see what happens. Just for the erotic fun of it. Even if things didn't go as well as planned, it's not to say you won't find some other fun adventure to try. Whatever that may be, however other people want to label it, it's whatever you two want to do. That's the important thing. I'm really glad you're both browsing the board as it's got LOTS of great advice about relationship-building. That's what swinging is supposed to be all about. If you two are going to continue exploring alternatives to sexual monogamy, I'd just say take your time and don't worry about labels or definitions imposed on you by others. Do as little or as much as is right for your relationship, and you'll be ok. Just as long as it stays fun and erotic and is a positive influence on your relationship, never negative.

Thanks Steely Dann for posting your story. Very inspirational. Welcome to the board and hope to see you around!

[Alura]

It never ceases to amaze me, even after 20+ years, how much and how quickly just talking about swinging can improve communication between couples.

Keep up the discussions, Steely Dann! It will only get better from here!

Alura

[Miss_Piggy]

Originally Posted by Steely Dann

Probably has nothing to do with the swinging (since we didn't get that far!)...more to do with being able to share our thoughts, ideas and fantasies with each other and learning to discuss them and explore them non judgementally.

In my humble opinion, you've just hit on the best possible definition of swinging.