at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way?

08-11-2004, 08:13 PM

OK - so my wife and I have fantasized about having another male join us for the whole 4+ years we have been together. We do not have many chances to play, as we have 3 young kids who happily occupy most of our time; however she recently met a guy at work who became a "worthy" companion. After several months of discussion between her and I, and her and he, the big night came. I had not met him, but have 100% faith & trust in my wonderful wife so there was no reason to doubt that she chose someone we could trust. We arranged to have dinner at a nice rest. and then adjourn to a nearby hotel. We met at the bar for drinks and we hit it off very well. There was no tension - not that we expected to have any, we are secure and comfortable, and have had good experiences in the past - and we worked through dinner laughing, flirting and talking. When my wife took her 1st trip to the restroom, he asked me if everything was ok and I told him as long as we keep everything out in the open, we will be ok. Well, after the meal she excused herself to the ladies room again and several minutes later, so did he - this immediately made me feel uncomfortable as it was so obvious to me that he was planning to catch her coming out of the bathroom. I sat at the table feeling very isolated, shamed and disrespected. Well, he did exactly as I thought, he "ran into her," they hugged and he kissed her; she told me about it as soon as she got back to the table, which eased my mind; she also asked if I mind that she ride with him to the hotel & I drive seperate - I told her that both this request & the kiss made me very uncomfortable, she agreed that the kiss was unexpected and awkward & she immedaitely appologized and said she would not ride with him to the hotel. The night went on, and we did end up having a nice 1.5 hour session during which time we had some very pleasurable sex, but it ended up a bust - my fault, as I let the dinner thing weigh on my mind AND I drank too much; to the point that I eventually got jealous and started an argument that ended our romp. I LOVED watching my wife please & get pleased by another, as well having her take us both together, and I know I will want it again, even though now I am in a funk of confusion.
I am now left highly confused about my feelings and am hoping for some feedback. The mrs. and I have talked at length about it, but I need unbiased opinions to help me understand my predicament. I guess the biggest question is about the kissing thing, it was behind my back so in my book it's not ok, and in turn got me mad. But am I right to have let it bother me, I mean I can't entirely blame the guy, and my wife did tell me about it, so how can I be upset? After all, I let this guy bang the hell out of my wife a few hours later - and loved every second of it!
Am I wrong to invite another man in & then get upset at him for wanting my gorgeous wife to himself, if only for a minute?
Thanks for taking an hour to read my long post, and thanks for the replies.
T
ps: the sex was so hot that in spite of everything I might just turn it into one for the stories section...

curiousagain · 08-12-2004, 07:09 AM

I can understand why you were uncomfortable with the kiss thing. I believe that was wrong and it was good she told you immediately about it. Talk to your wife and let her know how you feel and why.

As for the single guy, if I was him, I wouldn't be back. You said it ended in an argument. I believe that comes under the heading of drama and nobody needs that.
Play safe and Play careful, it's a big world out there.
Curiousagain

Elusive BiFem · 08-12-2004, 07:25 AM

Ummmm...I don't know that I would end things just now. Obviously you enjoyed the evening and prior to "the kiss" everything was moving along just fine. The guy made a mistake in judgement, but given the circumstances, I think some honest discussion could remedy the situation. You said you drank too much, too, and I'm certain that probably led to some of your reactions. And your wife was honest with you about the entire thing. There seem to be more positives to build on here than negatives.

Why not give the single guy the benefit of doubt? The three of you could get together again - with no play intended - to just talk about what happened, why you felt like you did, why he did what he did...and who knows? He might turn out to be the perfect play partner. After all, as with many things, this will give you a great opportunity to "clear the air" for the future.

The other thing - cut the guy some slack. A single is in one heck of a situation, not knowing what to do or not to do. And especially someone that has never been involved in the lifestyle as he apparently hasn't. He asked you if you were cool with everything, you said yes, ya'll were planning on play time, and he may have just simply thought it would be easier to kiss your wife the first time without you being there. I can understand that. And I think you can, too. - EBF

EternallySingle · 08-12-2004, 08:55 AM

You made O*N*E huge mistake. You didn't talk to the man first. If he and your wife were such good friends going into this, no matter how much you trust your wife, in the back of your mind you couldn't trust him. I've been there on both sides and I can tell you that neither he nor your wife saw anything wrong with him kissing her as she came out of the ladies room or the idea of her riding to the hotel with him alone. That is because you didn't have a man-to-man talk with him and assert your position in this. He probably got the idea that you were a cuckold and would mildly go along with anything. I'm not saying he did anything wrong purposefully, but he didn't know YOUR rules beforehand.

And this didn't stem from the kiss.

Quote:

however she recently met a guy at work who became a "worthy" companion. After several months of discussion between her and I, and her and he, the big night came. I had not met him, but have 100% faith & trust in my wonderful wife so there was no reason to doubt that she chose someone we could trust.

This is where your doubts surfaced. Not overtly, but under the surface. You never had a chance to define his place with you, so he took all the leads from your wife...just as if he were dating her and you was the friend she brought along in case things started to go wrong.

In the future, no matter how much you trust your wife's judgement, always ALWAYS A*L*W*A*Y*S talk to the man yourself, without your wife being there. That way he knows you are talking, not her, and that he has to follow your lead as well as hers.

As for the guy, chances are he has never done this before, so until your date the thought of a threesome had never been anything but a fantasy so he had no idea what to expect or how to behave.

eroticsensation · 08-12-2004, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EternallySingle

You made O*N*E huge mistake. You didn't talk to the man first. If he and your wife were such good friends going into this, no matter how much you trust your wife, in the back of your mind you couldn't trust him. I've been there on both sides and I can tell you that neither he nor your wife saw anything wrong with him kissing her as she came out of the ladies room or the idea of her riding to the hotel with him alone. That is because you didn't have a man-to-man talk with him and assert your position in this. He probably got the idea that you were a cuckold and would mildly go along with anything. I'm not saying he did anything wrong purposefully, but he didn't know YOUR rules beforehand.

And this didn't stem from the kiss. This is where your doubts surfaced. Not overtly, but under the surface. You never had a chance to define his place with you, so he took all the leads from your wife...just as if he were dating her and you was the friend she brought along in case things started to go wrong.

In the future, no matter how much you trust your wife's judgement, always ALWAYS A*L*W*A*Y*S talk to the man yourself, without your wife being there. That way he knows you are talking, not her, and that he has to follow your lead as well as hers.

As for the guy, chances are he has never done this before, so until your date the thought of a threesome had never been anything but a fantasy so he had no idea what to expect or how to behave.

to be honest I dont think it a good idea that your wife found this guy at work. it could grow into something. especially the kiss after the restroom. I think that was wrong. Also to be honest I think it is wrong for your wife to even think of riding with this guy. Doesnt seem right at all. If I were you I would talk with our wife and make it clear that she doesnt meet up with this guy again, even for lunch. I would be very selective with the male you bring into the bedroom. All you want and all your wife should want is a good F in the Hotel and that is it. No riding in seperate cars and no out of bedroom kissing.
You guys should have played the rules out first. but again i would not want my wife to screw someone from HER workplace.

but then again that is for me. it may work fine for other people.
just watch out that is all.
good luck to you.

**TNT** · 08-12-2004, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elusive BiFem

The other thing - cut the guy some slack. A single is in one heck of a situation, not knowing what to do or not to do. And especially someone that has never been involved in the lifestyle as he apparently hasn't. He asked you if you were cool with everything, you said yes, ya'll were planning on play time, and he may have just simply thought it would be easier to kiss your wife the first time without you being there. I can understand that. And I think you can, too. - EBF

I agree with EBF here...Most people forget that a single has a mind and feelings of their own, they look at them as just an extra body. Couples tend to forget that a single really has no one to back them up when it comes to play time...they have no one to talk over decisions with and are relying totally on their own judgement, which at times, may not be the best. I think in this case the "kiss" was probably just some bad judgement based on the excitment level of where the night was leading. It is very important for the couple to REALLY talk to the single so they know exactly where they stand in any given play situation.

ES makes some very valid points as well...

Quote:

Originally Posted by EternallySingle

If he and your wife were such good friends going into this, no matter how much you trust your wife, in the back of your mind you couldn't trust him.

You had no prior interaction with this man before your dinner date/play date, basically your wife "picked" this man and even though you were cool with it, you still had some doubts.

It is imperative that a husband makes it known, with no missunderstandings, exactly what he will and will not tolerate from a single man where his wife is concerned. If kissing without you present is something you do not want to happen, you must let that be known.

I (we) are contacted by numerous single men as we do state in our ads that we play with them. It is usually me who does most of the answering to any e-mail/IM that we receive . The first thing I always say is that Ted has final say on what single men we play with. This way I have made it known that Ted is in charge and it is basically him that they have to impress and his rules they must follow. He leaves no doubt when talking to any single man what is allowed and what is not allowed. I believe that this is the reason that we have had no problems with any of our MFM threesome, all the men know exactly where they stand.

It probably seems that most of us are defending the single man in this situation...this is not to make light of your feelings...they are valid as something occurred that you were not comfortable with. I would suggest just chalking it up to a learning experience and move forward...like ES said, neither one of them probably thought anything of the kiss (considering where the night was leading and your wife did tell you about it)...you have learned that it is something you are not comfortable with, so you can now avoid it in the future.

Good luck,

Teresa

eroticsensation · 08-13-2004, 12:53 AM

I kind of agree with Teresa. Chalk it up as a learning experience. I mean it is not as though the guy did something "really bad"....what is ok and right with him may not rest with you. And this goes with your wife. But again I dont agree with the wife wanting to ride in the same car. Also I would be very reluctant in my wife choosing a guy from her side of the fence....meaning her workplace or tennis club or whatever. Can be risky. You see sex and emotions can go hand in hand. As great as it is that you are able to experience great sex with your wife and being that this is a big +, on the otherside of the coin there is a - (like everything). You have to do your best to figure any problems that can occure. Think about the after effects.
I will be honest here though my wife and I have not experienced group sex yet. We are in contact with a guy who we met over the internet and have interacted via email for over a year. I met him twice. As much as we are looking forward to meeting up (hopefully end of month---he lives 350km away from where we live in Japan) we will do our best that it will be a night to remember and NO looking back kind of feelings.

stoutgatte · 08-13-2004, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eroticsensation

to be honest I dont think it a good idea that your wife found this guy at work. it could grow into something.

This one burned us really bad. My wife had an affair with a guy from work. The situation wasn't quite the same, we had an open relationship back then, ie she shagged him without me even being present. We were dumb and didn't really think about things, also a first experience.

Now, you may ask how this could be an affair? Easy, she only had permission for 1/2 times... Not four months worth of once (or more) a day shagging... At the same time they started out as friends, and their relationship grew to a very emotional level. As I say, we were really stupid back then.

Ok, now I'm not saying it will happen to you, it's just a warning from a real life experience... We managed to stay together in the aftermath, and are now very happy swingers, but I'd not recommend that road to anyone. There are simply too many risks in there.

In addition to this, I'd like to add my voice to what everyone else is saying, cut the poor guy some slack. He was operating from the dating->sex->love reference frame and you didn't discuss things with him enough beforehand.

Edit: If I was the guy I'd not return...

curiousagain · 08-13-2004, 06:03 AM

OK, OK, I see things a little different after reading some of the post. The guy was probably just unaware of "the rules" for different reasons. But, as a single guy, and maybe it's just me, but after you drank too much and started an argument, I wouldn't be back.

As some have mentioned with your wife picking this guy from where she worked and months of talk leading up to this. You are playing with matches in the middle of a fuel depot. Better put your asbestos suit on.

Curiousagain

eroticsensation · 08-13-2004, 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stoutgatte

This one burned us really bad. My wife had an affair with a guy from work. The situation wasn't quite the same, we had an open relationship back then, ie she shagged him without me even being present. We were dumb and didn't really think about things, also a first experience.

Now, you may ask how this could be an affair? Easy, she only had permission for 1/2 times... Not four months worth of once (or more) a day shagging... At the same time they started out as friends, and their relationship grew to a very emotional level. As I say, we were really stupid back then.

Ok, now I'm not saying it will happen to you, it's just a warning from a real life experience... We managed to stay together in the aftermath, and are now very happy swingers, but I'd not recommend that road to anyone. There are simply too many risks in there.

In addition to this, I'd like to add my voice to what everyone else is saying, cut the poor guy some slack. He was operating from the dating->sex->love reference frame and you didn't discuss things with him enough beforehand.

Edit: If I was the guy I'd not return...

what were you call with your wife shagging another guy as long as she told you about it? I would say it is the same thing in a sense. A real fine line there. But as you said you were younger then. The only time I would feel comfortable with my wife sleeping with another guy is if that guy was from way outa town, he was a cool kind of guy and I was THERE. I believe you are stepping into dangerous waters letting your partner go off and sleep with someone while you are not there. may work for some people but a little too "free" for my liking.
This is not what "swinging" should be about in my opinion.
sorry to hear about your situation anyhow stouttgate.

stoutgatte · 08-13-2004, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eroticsensation

This is not what "swinging" should be about in my opinion. sorry to hear about your situation anyhow stouttgate.

Nope, it's called an open relationship... Swinging is nothing like it.

The situation turned out well though, we became stronger as a couple and both grew on a personal level, so there were at least some positives...

***JustAskJulie*** · 08-13-2004, 02:15 PM

I think you have every reason to be upset and to feel the way that you do. If I were a guy and in your shoes I never would have let things get to the hotel room. He made several overt attempts to do things behind your back and disclude you. This is a guy who has no idea how lucky he is or what he is getting into really. He doesn't understand that this is about the two of you and he's just been invited to join.

raylynne · 08-13-2004, 05:22 PM

We haven't had much experience ourselves, just one guy to have a threesome that we meet with about once a month. However, we decided long before we actually acted on any swinging that we would choose someone who lived away from us, he lives about 200 miles away and travels a lot, so there's no chance of ever running into him. We think it would be a real problem to swing with someone at work, for one, how does she know she can trust this guy to keep his mouth shut? I wouldn't ever take the chance, it's just too risky. And what happens if things don't work out among the three of you? Makes for an uneasy work situation, I would think. I say, communication, communication, communication! Good luck in the future.

2much · 08-13-2004, 06:27 PM

Well, I must say that I am really thankful for all who took this time to respond. I guess in summing up, I would like to say a few things:
1. I certainly understand the guys position, he thought "anything goes" and shame on us for not clarifying that it was not the case, that despite our openness, we respect our marriage & each other's feelings
2. The slack is cut, as long as we can all talk about the situation (my wife, me and him) I am willing to give it another go - in fact, I want another chance to do it right - but this may be difficult as the whole drama thing tends to be unnatractive
3. I should clarify the work relationship - they do not work together, he is a customer of the business where she works & while they may occassionally see each other that was one thing we were VERY clear about, discretion was key and he agreed to that

I sure appreciate the feedback from everyone & hope that it helps us understand our feelings and position about bringing another into the bed... and I sure hope we come to the understanding that we want to do it again

2much · 08-13-2004, 06:28 PM

oh yeah, I am the one who wrote the original post!

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08-11-2004, 08:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
Unregistered Guest Posts: n/a	at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? OK - so my wife and I have fantasized about having another male join us for the whole 4+ years we have been together. We do not have many chances to play, as we have 3 young kids who happily occupy most of our time; however she recently met a guy at work who became a "worthy" companion. After several months of discussion between her and I, and her and he, the big night came. I had not met him, but have 100% faith & trust in my wonderful wife so there was no reason to doubt that she chose someone we could trust. We arranged to have dinner at a nice rest. and then adjourn to a nearby hotel. We met at the bar for drinks and we hit it off very well. There was no tension - not that we expected to have any, we are secure and comfortable, and have had good experiences in the past - and we worked through dinner laughing, flirting and talking. When my wife took her 1st trip to the restroom, he asked me if everything was ok and I told him as long as we keep everything out in the open, we will be ok. Well, after the meal she excused herself to the ladies room again and several minutes later, so did he - this immediately made me feel uncomfortable as it was so obvious to me that he was planning to catch her coming out of the bathroom. I sat at the table feeling very isolated, shamed and disrespected. Well, he did exactly as I thought, he "ran into her," they hugged and he kissed her; she told me about it as soon as she got back to the table, which eased my mind; she also asked if I mind that she ride with him to the hotel & I drive seperate - I told her that both this request & the kiss made me very uncomfortable, she agreed that the kiss was unexpected and awkward & she immedaitely appologized and said she would not ride with him to the hotel. The night went on, and we did end up having a nice 1.5 hour session during which time we had some very pleasurable sex, but it ended up a bust - my fault, as I let the dinner thing weigh on my mind AND I drank too much; to the point that I eventually got jealous and started an argument that ended our romp. I LOVED watching my wife please & get pleased by another, as well having her take us both together, and I know I will want it again, even though now I am in a funk of confusion. I am now left highly confused about my feelings and am hoping for some feedback. The mrs. and I have talked at length about it, but I need unbiased opinions to help me understand my predicament. I guess the biggest question is about the kissing thing, it was behind my back so in my book it's not ok, and in turn got me mad. But am I right to have let it bother me, I mean I can't entirely blame the guy, and my wife did tell me about it, so how can I be upset? After all, I let this guy bang the hell out of my wife a few hours later - and loved every second of it! Am I wrong to invite another man in & then get upset at him for wanting my gorgeous wife to himself, if only for a minute? Thanks for taking an hour to read my long post, and thanks for the replies. T ps: the sex was so hot that in spite of everything I might just turn it into one for the stories section...
Unregistered Guest Posts: n/a

08-12-2004, 07:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
curiousagain A gentleman never tells Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 2,131 Location: Southeastern USA Status: half of a couple	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? I can understand why you were uncomfortable with the kiss thing. I believe that was wrong and it was good she told you immediately about it. Talk to your wife and let her know how you feel and why. As for the single guy, if I was him, I wouldn't be back. You said it ended in an argument. I believe that comes under the heading of drama and nobody needs that. Play safe and Play careful, it's a big world out there. Curiousagain

08-12-2004, 07:25 AM	#3 (permalink)
Elusive BiFem Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 3,398 Location: Texas Status: Single Female	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? Ummmm...I don't know that I would end things just now. Obviously you enjoyed the evening and prior to "the kiss" everything was moving along just fine. The guy made a mistake in judgement, but given the circumstances, I think some honest discussion could remedy the situation. You said you drank too much, too, and I'm certain that probably led to some of your reactions. And your wife was honest with you about the entire thing. There seem to be more positives to build on here than negatives. Why not give the single guy the benefit of doubt? The three of you could get together again - with no play intended - to just talk about what happened, why you felt like you did, why he did what he did...and who knows? He might turn out to be the perfect play partner. After all, as with many things, this will give you a great opportunity to "clear the air" for the future. The other thing - cut the guy some slack. A single is in one heck of a situation, not knowing what to do or not to do. And especially someone that has never been involved in the lifestyle as he apparently hasn't. He asked you if you were cool with everything, you said yes, ya'll were planning on play time, and he may have just simply thought it would be easier to kiss your wife the first time without you being there. I can understand that. And I think you can, too. - EBF
	Last edited by Elusive BiFem; 08-12-2004 at 07:26 AM. Reason: Additional comment

08-13-2004, 12:53 AM	#7 (permalink)
eroticsensation Here to Stay Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 76 Location: japan	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? I kind of agree with Teresa. Chalk it up as a learning experience. I mean it is not as though the guy did something "really bad"....what is ok and right with him may not rest with you. And this goes with your wife. But again I dont agree with the wife wanting to ride in the same car. Also I would be very reluctant in my wife choosing a guy from her side of the fence....meaning her workplace or tennis club or whatever. Can be risky. You see sex and emotions can go hand in hand. As great as it is that you are able to experience great sex with your wife and being that this is a big +, on the otherside of the coin there is a - (like everything). You have to do your best to figure any problems that can occure. Think about the after effects. I will be honest here though my wife and I have not experienced group sex yet. We are in contact with a guy who we met over the internet and have interacted via email for over a year. I met him twice. As much as we are looking forward to meeting up (hopefully end of month---he lives 350km away from where we live in Japan) we will do our best that it will be a night to remember and NO looking back kind of feelings.

08-13-2004, 06:03 AM	#9 (permalink)
curiousagain A gentleman never tells Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 2,131 Location: Southeastern USA Status: half of a couple	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? OK, OK, I see things a little different after reading some of the post. The guy was probably just unaware of "the rules" for different reasons. But, as a single guy, and maybe it's just me, but after you drank too much and started an argument, I wouldn't be back. As some have mentioned with your wife picking this guy from where she worked and months of talk leading up to this. You are playing with matches in the middle of a fuel depot. Better put your asbestos suit on. Curiousagain

08-13-2004, 02:15 PM	#12 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,294 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? I think you have every reason to be upset and to feel the way that you do. If I were a guy and in your shoes I never would have let things get to the hotel room. He made several overt attempts to do things behind your back and disclude you. This is a guy who has no idea how lucky he is or what he is getting into really. He doesn't understand that this is about the two of you and he's just been invited to join.

08-13-2004, 05:22 PM	#13 (permalink)
raylynne Active Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 28 Location: midwest Status: couple	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? We haven't had much experience ourselves, just one guy to have a threesome that we meet with about once a month. However, we decided long before we actually acted on any swinging that we would choose someone who lived away from us, he lives about 200 miles away and travels a lot, so there's no chance of ever running into him. We think it would be a real problem to swing with someone at work, for one, how does she know she can trust this guy to keep his mouth shut? I wouldn't ever take the chance, it's just too risky. And what happens if things don't work out among the three of you? Makes for an uneasy work situation, I would think. I say, communication, communication, communication! Good luck in the future.

08-13-2004, 06:27 PM	#14 (permalink)
2much Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 55 Location: herndon va	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? Well, I must say that I am really thankful for all who took this time to respond. I guess in summing up, I would like to say a few things: 1. I certainly understand the guys position, he thought "anything goes" and shame on us for not clarifying that it was not the case, that despite our openness, we respect our marriage & each other's feelings 2. The slack is cut, as long as we can all talk about the situation (my wife, me and him) I am willing to give it another go - in fact, I want another chance to do it right - but this may be difficult as the whole drama thing tends to be unnatractive 3. I should clarify the work relationship - they do not work together, he is a customer of the business where she works & while they may occassionally see each other that was one thing we were VERY clear about, discretion was key and he agreed to that I sure appreciate the feedback from everyone & hope that it helps us understand our feelings and position about bringing another into the bed... and I sure hope we come to the understanding that we want to do it again

08-13-2004, 06:28 PM	#15 (permalink)
2much Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 55 Location: herndon va	Re: at long last our 3some ...but should I feel this way? oh yeah, I am the one who wrote the original post!

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