Double Standard of picking up single males vs single females

[Ashley]

Those of you who have read my prior posts know that I am fairly new to swinging and that I'm a bit ambivalent about it. My latest dilemma revolves around the fact that I am not sexually attracted to very many men while L, my bf is attracted to a very wide range of women. Ordinarily we swing same bed but on our recent houseboat trip he had a couple of encounters away from me when I was tired or just plain not interested. Then lightening struck and I met someone who rocked my world. L was very understanding about it and allowed me to have sex with him even though his partner was not interested in swinging. He did stay close though and I could tell he was a bit jealous. Later, he admitted to some passing jealousy but said it turned him on to leave for a little bit and then return to watch our passion. He has a fantasy that I will do that with him but I explained that when I would come upon him having sex with someone I would feel jealous rather than stimulated. It's entirely different if I have been there from the beginning.
I realize I have taken the long way around explaining my dilemma but think that the background info was necessary.
I haven't talked to L about this yet, I wanted to get some objective opinions first.
The other day, while shopping at the mall, I met another man that floats my boat. Understand this happens to me RARELY. In the course of our conversation I learned that he is single. By the end of our conversation I was seriously thinking about giving him my business card with our (L and my) website address on it. The website revolves around our involvement in the lifestyle. But then I thought, I certainly wouldn't want L to do this. And if I did it, would he be upset?
But then I analyzed the whole thing and I think it's entirely a different situation for a man vs. a woman. If I pick up a single man chances are his expectation is for a purely sexual encounter (and of course L would be present) whereas if L picks up a single woman, chances are she's looking for a relationship.
So my question is....and this is mainly for the men because I'm trying to get a little preview of how L will react....should I ask L to let me have sex with this man I am oh so attracted to or should I just forget the whole thing and stick to partners we meet in the lifestyle even though they don't usually turn me on much?

[mopek]

You guys seem to have a good thing going swing-wise. You both know what you want and talk about it as well.

Why don't you just ask him sometime? Say " L ... how would you feel if I were to pick up a man I found attractive ? " ... mention that since there are not many opportunities for you to be with other men because you are attracted to so few, that you may want to broaden your available pool of prospects LOL ...

See what he says?

I also think that if you want that , that you be willing to allow him the same priveledge. Even though you say that men want pure sex and women a relationship ( which is probably true in general) , fair is fair.

mopek

[Alura]

We choose not to play with singles at all. We think there are too many dangers involved.

Years ago we decided on an answer should we be "propositioned" without our partner there: "How do you and your wife/husband feel about swinging?"

We've each had the opportunity to use it once. Unfortunately, neither of us received the right response. Maybe someday...

Mr. Alura

[Brit_Pair]

Originally posted by Ashley
So my question is....and this is mainly for the men because I'm trying to get a little preview of how L will react....should I ask L to let me have sex with this man I am oh so attracted to or should I just forget the whole thing and stick to partners we meet in the lifestyle even though they don't usually turn me on much?

Apologies if I've got this about face, but to me, the scenario you're pondering sounds like an open relationship situation. I'd say that the answer to your question depends largely upon why you and your boyfriend got into swinging in the first place, and what you want now. If the principle idea was/is to enhance the pleasure that you share with each other, then he may react badly to your suggestion. If the principle idea was/is to increase the variety of lovers you experience as individuals (and as a couple) then he may be far more responsive to your suggestion.

But then I analyzed the whole thing and I think it's entirely a different situation for a man vs. a woman. If I pick up a single man chances are his expectation is for a purely sexual encounter (and of course L would be present) whereas if L picks up a single woman, chances are she's looking for a relationship.

I think you may be attempting to justify your own desires here by using a stereotypical assumption. Why does a single woman who allows herself to be picked up have to be looking for a relationship? She might just want a solid fucking? After all, this is the 21st Century. And why does a single man have to be looking for nothing more than a fuck? He may well be in search of a soul mate.

The key to all this may be when you said, "I certainly wouldn't want L to do this". Again, I apologise if I sound harsh, but it sounds a little like you want to have your cake and eat it. Fine, if that works for you both.

What you have to do is look at a worst case scenario. Worst case, how badly would L react to your suggestion? Badly enough to damage your relationship? Weigh this risk against what you stand to gain from a fling with this man you're so attracted to. Then you'll have your answer as to what to do next.

[Roxysbayou]

I am also extremely picky about the men that I play with. Hubby and I both like a wide range of women . But he would never ask me to play with a man just because of the woman and I would give him the same courtesy if I did find a man that perked my interest. However, singles are a total different story. We are even more selective about the single men and would never think about playing alone. That's not why we got into this. We did this as a couple and it should remain as a couple.

What you have in mind sounds a little dangerous to me. Dangerous to your relationship that is. Correct me if I am wrong, but you just want to be with this man by yourself, you are not asking hubby to join you, you are asking him to allow you to stray. This troubles me.

I have always enjoyed your posts Ashley, you always seem to make me dive deep within myself and ponder my own actions and way of thinking. It's very easy to pass judgment or to say what I might do, but until I find myself in the same boat it is hard to say for sure.

As Jimminy Cricket would say...let your conscience be your guide!

[Ashley]

If I pick up a single man chances are his expectation is for a purely sexual encounter (and of course L would be present)

Roxy and Brit Pair,
Sorry if I did not make myself clear but no, this would not be an "open" relationship. I would not play without L being present. It just wouldn't be a swap situation because the person I want to play with is single and also this person is not in the lifestyle. Does that change your opinion at all?

[JustAskJulie]

Did you get this guys number or something? I'm just wondering since you are still talking about meeting with him but you didn't give him your info (at least if I read that right).

I agree mopek. Your best bet is to just talk to your hubby and ask him how he feels about you meeting people outside of the lifestyle to bring in to play with the two of you. I'd say that chances he will be cool with it. If he's a normal guy, he will most likely want to at least meet the guy and "approve" of him prior to playtime. But, that just makes good sense.

[Alura]

Sorry, Ashley, but I think y'all have a lot of marital issues to settle before either of you considers any kind of outside sex.

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple]

I am going to have to agree with at least a little bit of everything that everyone has said here.

I believe that I mentioned to you in another post about my opinion on relationships and when they are in their youth of the relationship (not talking age here). You haven't been together long and really haven't learned what you need to learn about each other, which I feel is a very vital part of what is needed to make swinging work. Until you have established that 'connection' it is easy to misread each other which can result in a lot of hard feelings. Some that your relationship might not be able to survive.

Sex is a very sensitive issue and has caused just as many break ups in a relationship as money does. For my husband and myself, had either of us brought up having sex with others (in a reality situtation) early in our relationship, it would have put a huge strain on it. There most definitely would have been jealousy, insecurity and fear of losing the other. Maybe even anger. We were together nearly 6 years before really discussing swinging. Even then it was a slow road, mostly due to my fears. We have had incedences that could have broken up our relationship, but it didn't because we know each other very well.

I'm not trying to sound harsh and I hope you don't take it that way. Consider though getting to know each other better, attend clubs (if you like the atmosphere) but keep yourselves, unto yourselves. When or if you are ready to move ahead, you'll both know it.....sometimes it is just the *twinkle* in the eye and no other communication is needed.

Most importantly, don't ask for something from your partner, if you aren't willing to give them the same leeway, whether they desire to or not.

Just my opinion...

Lori

[Ashley]

Lori,
You are entitled to your opinion and I certainly respect it but I'm more interested in hearing coping strategies than being told not to swing period. L and I have both already decided that we want to continue. We expect to have some ups and downs and are working on our life/swing balance. You make it sound like swinging is only for long married couples and I've met enough people in the lifestyle to know that is not the case. Some of the people on the houseboat trip brought "dates" for gosh sakes. So please realize that your brand of swinging is not everyone's and stick to the issues. I don't need judgement.

[Elusive BiFem]

Ashley, I don't think Lori was trying to be judgmental. I agree that some of her comments occasionally tend to lean towards the idea that swinging is only for long-term, married couples. In this case, however, I think she was, for the most part, attempting to answer the question you asked and respond to what appeared to be some ambivalence on your part. If I recall correctly (and maybe I'm confusing you with someone else), I believe you were previously bothered by the fact that ya'll were swinging every weekend - more than you wanted. After the houseboat trip, you seemed to be more enthusiastic. Right?
And then you meet some man at the mall and want to have sex with him. Someone addressed that, and then you came back with the information that L would be there, too.
I was confused to. Was the intent of your original question to ask if you should tell L you wanted a MFM with this particular man? If so, why not just come right out and tell him. Seems that ya'll have ventured off on your own a bit already, so it shouldn't come as a major shock to him. If he maintains the right to say yea or nay - well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I do believe that you should give serious thought to the idea of how you would feel if he came home and told you he had involved himself in a conversation with a female at the mall that "floats his boat" and wanted you to participate in a FMF with her. Ganders and gooses (ganders and geeses?) - whatever - come to mind.
My impression from reading this initially was the same as Birt_Pair; that is you were looking for an open relationship. You clarified that issue. Seems there is nothing left to do other than approach L with the idea and see where it leads. - EBF

[Ashley]

Sorry but I interpret

attend clubs (if you like the atmosphere) but keep yourselves, unto yourselves. When or if you are ready to move ahead, you'll both know it.....

as judgement. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way but she needs to understand that everyone is not her and her husband.
I was asking advice about a very specific issue that had nothing to do with my other post about the frequency of our swinging. I guess it is hard for people not to remember and incorporate your other posts into thinking they know you.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Ashley
You make it sound like swinging is only for long married couples and I've met enough people in the lifestyle to know that is not the case.

I never meant to imply that, Ashley. What I tried to convey is that everyone has a 'getting to know you stage'. Some people are soul mates from the get go and within months they are so joined at the hip and solidified that they put those that have been together for 30 years to shame. Only the individuals together know when that *specialness* occurs. I do tho believe that it takes longer than a few months or a year. I certainly was not tyring to say you had to be together "X" amount of time in order to be swinging successes. Also, many swingers have been in the lifestyle for years as singles and already know the in's and outs, but we have seen a few here on the board that when they become a couple, it becomes more complicated for them. As there are more elements in play as a couple as opposed to being a single. Mainly emotion. A single need only be concerned about themselves, a couple has their partner to be concerned about also.

I'm sorry that you took it the wrong way as I based my thoughts on your overall postings.

Lori

[Roxysbayou]

I have to agree. I did get the impression that you were talking about an open relationship when I first read your post. Sorry, I missed the one line about having him there. The problem with involving a single from outside of the lifestyle is that they tend to be looking fo something more. I know that the stereo type for men tends to lean more toward the wam bam and out the door types, but that is not always the case. Also if this guy has never thought about the lifestyle before, performing with a couple may be quite difficult for him. At any rate be honest with your hubby an d be up front with the other guy about what your intentions are.

[Ashley]

I especially liked the posts about if I am going to do this, I should be willing to let L do the same. I guess that's the bottom line....and since I'm not willing to do that, I'm just going to forget it. A hot young guy is not worth jeopardizing our relationship. Of course, I cannot say unequivocably that L won't come to me next week with the same request....but I'll just take it as it comes.