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  1. #1
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    Unhappy My preferences seem to be standing in the way...

    So since my last posts, we have not tried anything, we took a little break from it.

    We have wrote back and forth with a few couples, but none of them seem too serious. (whats up with that)

    Today we got an email on SLS. From a couple that is "technically inept" and couldnt figure out yahoo.

    I had to look back to find their photo, then I realized it was a couple I had no interest in. He is very short, she is heavier than he is, and he is built like a teenager. Oh and by the sunken in look to his eyes looks like a druggie. How many men weigh 135? Something I am very not into.

    But even though I relayed these feelings to my SO he seemed to forget what I said, and contacted them again.

    They wrote back and sent the phone number today and when I told my SO they were people I was not interested in, he got a little mad, and told me if he leaves it up to me we won't ever play.

    Well when I left it up to him, I never got to play anyway as the guys had ED or a tiny penis. It was all about the girls who were "bi" only to entertain their men, not really into it. Loss on both sides, as the women are always 150% into him as he is very attractive, and the men they were attached to ... not so much if at all.

    Am I wrong not to want to play with someone I wouldn't play with outside swinging? Am I wrong to expect to be put into a situation I would enjoy?

    It also comes down to 90% of the profiles featuring photos of the woman, and getting photos of the guys requires WORK. Sometimes 3 or 4 emails before I get one terrible, blurry or old photos. Also since I have taken on doing a good part of the searching, the men seem very put off by this, and only want to talk to my man. Not me. Is it just that there are a lot of fakers, and they feel I am going to figure them out faster?

    Guys I beg of you, be honest, with others and yourselves! Please post pics, as if you are in this together you should BOTH have photos of yourselves on your profile!

    This makes it easier for all parties involved.

    ...Still seeking our mutually attractive couple, I am starting to maybe believe they don't exist!

  2. #2
    Swingers Board Addict ncmd_couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Good morning Fun,

    You aren't alone in the frustrations of searching on-line. But you have a couple of issues you discussed.

    First off, you need to have a talk with your SO. No, you do NOT have to play with people that you are not interested in.

    Finding compatible couples is difficult for all of us. And yes, it does seam that all the pics are of the girls for the most part. We have been on SLS for quite some time and have only met a couple of couples. So be patient.

    S
    Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

  3. #3
    Your Tent or Ours?
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    You have standards - why lower them?

    Your SO needs to understand that 'taking one for the team,' isn't a good thing, and if he doesn't start listening to you, he's right - you won't ever play.

    This is all about mutual respect. What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you found a great looking guy, but the woman looked like a toad? Would he be as eager to call them up?

    There's a couple out there for you - you just haven't found them yet. You both need to talk it over some more and come to the understanding that you both have standards that you expect to be adhered to. It's not that your preferences are standing in the way - it's that you just haven't found the right couple yet.

    By the way - the first time I tried to join the army, I was underweight. At 5'7", I weighed 119lbs. I've never done drugs in my life. I just didn't eat a lot, and was constantly on the go. Well, age and mileage have taken care of both of those items...

  4. #4
    Swingers Board Addict fun4Ds's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Thanks for posting this

    Although I don't have all the answers I can relate in a way. You see, it's a reversal (kind of) over in the fun house. Our contacts have been mainly through Mrs.fun.... Listening to her, I see some similarities your bumping into. Things have changed for us over here. Mrs.fun is really busy with many family related stuff and I seem to have allot of free time now myself. We talked about just taking a break but she suggested I take the lead in meeting people on-line. Kind of... keep it going in a way. I am learning now the rejection part and how to not, blunder along. I am experienced enough to give my best. But It sure feels like I am coming off as (The GUY ) on the other end..

    I'm not interested in mass mailing 100 people. I would rather just succeed with one or two quality playmates.....

    I can say, your damn Skippy about finding YOUR best playmate. I think MR. funnewthings, needs to chill out and be a little more cool about your feelings. Then,take a step back and join you on this search/hooking up stuff...

    Even so, I may learn a few things from him as I wonder down the INTERNET deal....

    If you don't mind, I would like to follow you guys on this thread... We learn allot here. I am curious to find out a few things from your angle
    Last edited by fun4Ds; 11-24-2008 at 09:13 AM. Reason: spelling

  5. #5
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Yeah i have been the patient one. He is not so much. I ttry to make him understand that its not something that is easy to make work for all parties, as most guys will do almost anyone, and for women its a bit harder to match it up.

    Online is pretty much the only way we are going to meet people for now. The club scene is so not up my alley. There is one club in the area, that it seems everyone from sls goes to. My main problem with this club is the ads on craigslist, and many many vanilla places as an open to everyone club. they say they dont let single men in, but the club is very open to non-swingers to come party, yet is an on premise club. Seems like a bad idea, as I spoke to someone involved in the town politics where it is, and said as soon as the right people find out it will be gone. (they wont say anything, and they way i brought it up, they didnt even question why I knew what it was)

    I don't want to be there when the cops raid the place!

    We are both fairly high profile, we are both known in our hometown, and I am known all over the damn place, so its very hard to feel secure in knowing I wont be "outed" by someone I don't want to play with.

    My SO has more experience, he used to play with his ex, and they slept with a good amount of friends, which in almost every case they lost those friends. Also on quite a few occasions he tells me they met people from online she refused to play with, as the people were not her type.

    This is why I took an active role in this, as I refuse to take one for the team. I think it is important we BOTH get what we want out of this, and he says he does too. So I hope he will see what I mean about finding the 'right couple"!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    I wonder if perhaps he thinks that you're veto'ing couples as a way to avoid swinging without having to tell him you don't want to swing at all. I know that isn't what you are doing, but it's a thought process that I can see a guy having if couples that he thought were a great match keep getting veto'ed. Great that you're getting more involved in the search, that is the only way to make sure that the people you're contacting are people you find attractive!

  7. #7
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Yeah I see what your saying. I do a lot of the contacting, but it is so hard to do as 90% of the couples on SLS do not have photos of the men, so I have to ask. Men seemingly do not like sharing photos, so I will get responses with "we dont have any of him, he doesnt share his photos, we believe in meeting not sharing photos," or blurry, or far away, or even old pics.

    The guys who are willing to give up the photos are always the ones that there isn't a chance in hell I would be interested.

    Its a real battle to even get that much. I think we have a 35% write back rate, most of them coming weeks, or even months later, which adds to the difficulty.

    While I like to browse the forums and advice boards, he is not really into it. I have been telling him lots of people have these issues. Thanks for everyones input.

  8. #8
    Where's the party? TravlParty's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    I'm not sure how long you've been at this, but in three years we've only found one mutually compatible couple in your terms. We are constantly going to clubs, resorts and national events. Sure, we've had some good sex with couples and singles, but we don't think of our sex partners as someone we'd want to "date" or have a relationship with if we weren't swinging.

    If you are limited to only meeting online, I feel you're going have to be very patient, or change something. I see the stress in your writing, and you're fed up. Been there!

    I highly recommend house parties away from where you live. Each of you can pick your own partners while in that setting.

    Another option (which we've embraced) is singles. Each of you picks your own partner, and meet up in a hotel room for a double-date. Very sexy rendezvous!!

    Good luck!

  9. #9
    Swingers Board Addict jjtrindc's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Sounds as if you have a couple of things going on here. The most basic is a set of ground rules that you both agree on when it comes to how to choose couples and what kind of couples you choose.

    I do pretty much 100% of our searching and contacting, but my wife gets full veto power. If she says no, then the deal is off. It's actually been interesting because I've been somewhat surprised about what "types" of guys she likes and doesn't like. So, you need to agree on a system for contacting couples and give your husband a clearer sense of what you are looking for. Of course, some flexibility is needed here too because personality can go a long way to being sexy (though we totally agree that certain physical traits are non-negotiable).

    We completely agree with you on the picture thing. It seems a bit ridiculous that in this day and age, someone can't send a benign email with a g-rated shot of the hubby. For us, it's a deal breaker. Our time is limited and quite frankly, it's disappointing to waste a babysitter and a night out to show up and find the couple physically unattractive.

    Like you, were selective both by choice and by life's circumstances. Our busy lives simply prevent us from meeting every couple who contact us. So you have to have standards and you have to stick to them or you'll just end up being unhappy with the whole situation. If you have a spouse who truly cares about what you think then he/she will understand.

    Oh...and just a friendly response to defend us skinny guys. At 5'8, 135-140 lbs, I actually don't do any drugs and work out regularly. Just have a hard time putting on the weight (at least in places other than my mid-section!!). LOL.
    Get nekkid with us at Desire Cancun May 9-16! In DC? We’re JJTRINDC on SLS and LL

  10. #10
    Has Left the Building iapr's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Quote Originally Posted by funnewthings View Post

    But even though I relayed these feelings to my SO he seemed to forget what I said, and contacted them again.

    They wrote back and sent the phone number today and when I told my SO they were people I was not interested in, he got a little mad, and told me if he leaves it up to me we won't ever play.

    Am I wrong not to want to play with someone I wouldn't play with outside swinging? Am I wrong to expect to be put into a situation I would enjoy?

    You have brought up a number of issues but I want to focus on this a little bit.

    I have said a number of times that 90% of the problems that couples face in the lifestyle come from within the dynamics of their own relationship and I think that is what is occuring with you as well. Your issues are not coming from the lack of attractive couples in the lifestyle (there are a lot!) your issues are coming from the two of you not working together as a team for your mutual benifit as a couple.

    I'll play jr lifestyle therapist here and give you 3 homework assingments that you need to work on and complete before make any contact with anyone else or make any attempt to have an encounter with another couple.

    #1. You both need to sit down together and have a series of heartfelt and honest discussions on what you each want to accomplish by being in the lifestyle and what what you need to do to accomplish that as a team. The focus of this needs to be on the mutual benifit of your relationship as a couple. If something does not benifit you as a couple then it gets crossed off the list. If all of your goals are only for each of you as individuals then swinging is not for you and you should look into being single again or each be as singles in the lifestyle or look into an open marriage.

    If your goals and objectives are compatable and you are able to bring them together to work for the benifit of your relationship then you can move on to assingments 2 and 3.

    #2. Your male half needs to realize that females are 10,000 times more selective and picky than males and that if the female doesn't buy into it then it ain't happening anyway so he needs to step back and turn control over who you contact and who you make any kind of offers to over you. He can have complete veto power if you pick out someone he can't live with but you need to take over control of the keyboard. The chances are good that if you pick out a couple where you find the male attractive he will find the female half acceptable 99.999% of the time. The challenge will then be if the other female half will have him so PART B of this assignment is he needs to start shaping up and getting himself as attractive and presentable as he can.

    #3. Since you now will have control of the keyboard you need to use it wisely and responsibly. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself does his statement about if were left up to you that you would never play have merit? Are your standards and requirements realistic or are you setting standards for male beauty so high that it isn't realistic that you will actually meet anyone?

    very few women will look at a picture of a man and instantly want to have sex with him. Women rarely want to jump into bed instantly with any man but many times when women get know a man on personal level a chemistry and attraction will develop. Most of the time a man needs to do his mating dance for a woman before she develops an interest in him. Your assingment is to open your mind up a little and allow some men that look acceptable but not necessarily "hot" to do their mating dance for you.

    Part of your assingment is to realize that men are not as photogenically pleasing as women and that it is unrealistic for you to instantly have the hots for some guy by only looking at his picture. Most men are not beautiful to the eye but once you get to know them you may find that you get the warmies for them pretty quickly. There are a lot of "She's Hot/He's Not" couples out there (we are one of them) and one of the things to keep in mind is those of us nonhot guys got the hot wife for a variety of reasons and much of it is that we have traits that women like once they took the time to see us for who we really are and not by what we look like in a picture.

    Do these homework assingments over the next few weeks and let us know how things turned out. You still have time if you can get squared away that you can start the new year off with a bang
    Last edited by iapr; 11-25-2008 at 08:41 PM.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    We have already done all these things.

    He is already more than presentable, in fact so much to the point of ANYWHERE we go there are women throwing themselves at him. The couples we have met, the women have been stupid ga ga over him, and I don't blame them seeing what they are attached to.

    I am also attractive, as I do work as a professional model. We are both thin, in shape, intelligent, and outgoing.

    We have also been seaching more than 100 mile range, unfortunately it seems a lot of the people we come across that could potentially be interesting, turn out to be fake, lieing, single men, or attached to a beast.

    The whole singles thing is not anything I am interested in, as I find the single women are all out for "relationships" and the single men are all out for getting me alone. I know this isnt 100% of the people out there, but it is a huge portion.

    We discuss things openly all the time, I tell it how it is. He does listen, but is only starting to understand my rules of attraction.

    So we are working on it. I found a few potential playmates, some a little out of the way, but still have potential...

    So yeah thats it for now... I hope my hard work pays off, as it seems a lot of the people I email seem put off that it is the female and not the male emailing them. I just don't get that!


  12. #12
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    There are a lot of fakers. We haven't had a lot of luck online either and I have the same list of complaints you do. Have you considered finding a local club or social? It's a lot less work and you can actually MEET multiple couples at one time and see if there is any chemistry/ attraction right off the bat. And if there isn't, you just move on and there's more fish... right there in front of you. You can chat with them in real life rather than online. To answer your question, no you shouldn't settle and have sex with people you are not attracted to for any reason. But you may need to find a new approach.

  13. #13
    I'll think about it LikeMinds321's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Quote Originally Posted by funnewthings

    My SO has more experience, he used to play with his ex, and they slept with a good amount of friends, which in almost every case they lost those friends. Also on quite a few occasions he tells me they met people from online she refused to play with, as the people were not her type.
    I think this is a clue to your situation. He had the same problem with his ex and apparently he didn't learn from it. He's trying to have you bend to his wishes and unless he listens to you and is willing to see the light and come to an understanding it isn't going to work for you to swing as a couple.

    He and his ex lost most of their friends through swinging - not good, and his ex refused to play with people they met online because they were not her type...sound familiar?

    Somewhere in the forum you said that your relationship with your boyfriend is pretty new. Maybe this is an eye-opening experience that will help you decide how well matched you are for each other.

    If you want to keep trying to find couples to swing with, I think Julie's suggestion of heading to the clubs would be your next best shot.

    Good luck!

    LM

  14. #14
    Has Left the Building iapr's Avatar
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Quote Originally Posted by JustAskJulie View Post
    There are a lot of fakers. We haven't had a lot of luck online either and I have the same list of complaints you do. Have you considered finding a local club or social? It's a lot less work and you can actually MEET multiple couples at one time and see if there is any chemistry/ attraction right off the bat. And if there isn't, you just move on and there's more fish... right there in front of you. You can chat with them in real life rather than online. To answer your question, no you shouldn't settle and have sex with people you are not attracted to for any reason. But you may need to find a new approach.
    I agree with this also. I also agree with Likeminds. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. there seems to be a pattern here and your BF is the common denominator.

    I stand by my original statement that most problems lay within the dynamics of the couple and not with other people. If you two can get together and work as a team you stand a good chance of this working out. If you two are on two different wavelengths you are doomed to fail not only as swingers but also possibly as a couple as well.

    I agree with the suggestions of going to a club and meeting multiple couples face to face. While at the club make an agreement that meet couples that you pick out. As a woman you will probably only be attracted to a few of the couples there where as with him being a guy he would probably be ok with the vast majority of them. You pick out who you will approach and then both of you work together to interact with them.

    Then let us know how that works.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: My preferances seem to be standing in the way...

    Quote Originally Posted by jjtrindc View Post
    Like you, were selective both by choice and by life's circumstances. Our busy lives simply prevent us from meeting every couple who contact us. So you have to have standards and you have to stick to them or you'll just end up being unhappy with the whole situation. If you have a spouse who truly cares about what you think then he/she will understand.

    We try not to be too picky but we have our standards too (ie clean, no drugs). But there are alot of really sweet, sincere swingers out there that may not be model material but are great to be with.
    As for searching, we don't have a lot of time to do a lot of searching. The most enjoyable times for us have come on a whim when we least expect it. That's what makes vacations so much fun.

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