Considering someone who she had a relationship with in the past

[bryanlee]

My g/f and I are considering a MFM. I am very much into the idea, but the person we are considering is someone who she had relationship with in the past. They dated for a short time and I know it would never compare to what we have together. They are only friends now and have been for quite some time. I have no issues with this or the fact that they have a history.

My concern is that since they have been in a relationship previously and have that history, it may be easier for feelings to develop over time. I am not overly concerned about her developing feelings for anyone as we are very secure in our relationship, but I don't want to inadvertantly get into a situation where it would be easier than normal for it to happen.

I'm not jealous at all, but i'm concerned that it may be a bad idea to get into this with someone where there have already been these types of feelings.

Anyone else have a similar situation or any advice?

[iapr]

When people are first starting to think and talk about bringing someone else into the bedroom it is very typical to start looking through your current pool of freinds/coworkers etc but that is almost always a bad idea for a multitude of reasons ( I can list those reasons out for you if you want but it will be a long list)

You are better off going to lifestyle club or logging onto a swinging site and starting from scratch and finding someone completely new and with whom there are no histories or complex feelings.

Her first reaction is going to be, "I can't have sex with a stranger etc etc" and that is also normal and typical. That is ok and easy to deal with, you let her pick through the list of reasonable candidates and chat with them and if you decide to meet you all can take whatever time you need to get to know each other and get to a place that is comfortable for everyone. It may take awhile and it may not. when people in the lifestyle get to know each other the conversations are often personal and meaningfull right from the beginning when the topics of conversation are not about your jobs or your kids or housework/lawn care etc.

Fucking your friends and coworkers is always a bad idea and fucking your ex's with a current partner is always a REAL bad idea and potential recipe for disaster.

[VegasLee]

iapr is giving you very good advise here. I would really consider what has been said.

[bryanlee]

Thanks for the advice.

[JustAskJulie]

Have to agree with IAPR. Also have to say that your reason for not wanting to include an ex is a very valid one. Even if feelings don't develop on her end, they may on his and that could still cause issues for you guys and for their friendship.

[2inSanDiego4u]

We agree with the above replies as well. MFM's are pretty easy to arrange! Find a new guy she approves of and do it with him. Maybe she's fantasized about being with a certain type of guy (for example Hispanic or Black). Work on fullfilling the fantasy side of it and she'll be quite pleased.

[bryanlee]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. You all just confirm our feelings. We are in no rush to "make" anything happen so we will most likely just wait for the right person to come along.

I leave the choosing to her as long as i can get a good vibe from the guy. I just don't want to feel like he is in it for a free fuck you know. We don't want anything more than great sex but on the other hand respect for us as a couple and especially her is a must.

This is sort of off topic, but what are some of the things that you look for in a guy when you meet him to tell you if he may be a good candidate?

Thanks again..you all are great!

[fun4Ds]

Well to be honest, we are headed out in just a few to meet a single male. We chose him as we have missed the MFM playing. Its just been a while and we wanted to mix up our regular Saturday fun.

Here is what he has going.

1. He has been in the lifestyle several years
2. He belongs to one of the clubs we attend in Indy.
3. Mrsfun and I agreed his profile was most excellently written.
4. Mrs.fun is attracted sexually to the man.
5. Even though we have never met him before, we already have some things in common.
6. He has certifications from his single female partner/ girlfriend. We contacted her personally.
7. Good hygiene from his pictures.

We will let you know later what, if anything, may turn out to be a deal breaker.

[CoupleReady2]

I'm certainly not an expert but here's my two cents. Choosing from a list a friends is always dangerous. I'd recommend going to a swing club or a meet&greet.

If I were in your situation I'd be concerned about my significant other becoming emotionally attached to her former boyfriend. After all, there was a spark there once before.

My wife and I played a couple of times at a club, and there was no feeling of insecurity in part because I knew there would be no relationship afterward. The whole experience was entirely recreational.

I'd definitely have a long and candid discussion with your gf before proceeding.

Good luck, and remember...take it slow and talk over your feelings.

[bryanlee]

Great advice! We actually were just talking about this and agreed it was something we will pass on. Sharon is not the type of person to warm up to anyone quickly and their relationship was nothing long lasting or particularly special. It took her about 9 months to even say "I love you" to me. I like that because too many people throw those words around without meaning, but i know she means it when she says it.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I hope someday i will be able to offer advice to someone like myself.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Well to be honest, we are headed out in just a few to meet a single male. We chose him as we have missed the MFM playing. Its just been a while and we wanted to mix up our regular Saturday fun.

Here is what he has going.

1. He has been in the lifestyle several years
2. He belongs to one of the clubs we attend in Indy.
3. Mrsfun and I agreed his profile was most excellently written.
4. Mrs.fun is attracted sexually to the man.
5. Even though we have never met him before, we already have some things in common.
6. He has certifications from his single female partner/ girlfriend. We contacted her personally.
7. Good hygiene from his pictures.

We will let you know later what, if anything, may turn out to be a deal breaker.

I'll add more today as he won over both our votes last night. Keep in mind this was an INTERNET hook up. Even though he belongs to one of the clubs we are members of also, we had never met him before last night. Had we met at a club it would have been expected as well, to have a conversation before any sex will be involved. We don't have sex with voiceless single males, we have sex with single males Mrs.fun finds attractive. Their voices and conversation, is what it takes for us to feel compatible.

We met for a drink and snack and he was on time.Our conversations were equally shared. Buy that, I mean he could talk cars and guys stuff and things of interest going on in our area with me. He was quite knowledgeable about movies and books that he and Mrs.fun shared some interesting dialect and good laughter with each other. He was not overbearing. When he spoke of himself he earned our respect without bullshitting.

We asked some questions about his life that might have put some single males on the spot. Like have you been married and his past relationships with female friends. In and outside of the lifestyle, even with swing partners. No mentioning of names or finger pointing. But we feel that a good single male should speak with positive things to say. With those tough questions, he had positive things to say. Thats one of the deal breakers or makers for us. If a man speaks negatively about his sex life... We figure there is a reason. We want a positive experience when we play with single males. We make sure to find a man with a positive outlook on sex and life.

He listened to each of us when we spoke. He showed interest in my wife and captivated her interest as well, without pushing me out of the conversation.

The night and sex to follow was excellent for everyone, but thats a different conversation.

The thing is, this worked for us because we know what we both want in order to have a MFM play-night. I think just like others have posted here. This wouldn't have happened If either of us had any reason to vote No with the single male we played with. Its not left with one yes vote and one no vote. One No, would have been the stopper and we would have moved on.

Not that our way is the only way, just sharing our experience from last night that worked for us. Our standards may not work for everyone but Its what we both want as a swinging couple equally.

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by bryanlee

Great advice! We actually were just talking about this and agreed it was something we will pass on. Sharon is not the type of person to warm up to anyone quickly and their relationship was nothing long lasting or particularly special. It took her about 9 months to even say "I love you" to me. I like that because too many people throw those words around without meaning, but i know she means it when she says it.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I hope someday i will be able to offer advice to someone like myself.

We're not sure how what you just said is relevant to an MFM or swinging in general. If she is into swinging she should be either attracted to someone, or not - no "warm up" or "I love you" of any kind needed. We think an MFM is a great way to start in this lifestyle, especially for women who are bi-curious and have not had any experience with another female. It's like a prelude to bigger and better things.

[twohots4u2]

We agree with a lot of what has been said. We strongly recommend that you keep your swinging life very separate from ex's, past lovers, friends, relatives, business associates, etc. Our love relationship is ours, and we do not want to share it with others. On the other hand, swinging is fun, entertainment, like going to the movies, and we feel that you should keep it in that category, not to be confused with love.

[theflamekasters]

We have a rule, that i didnt realize was a rule until just now, we dont play with friends that we havent met in the life style! We wont mix vanilla and ls friends, all that does is lead to problems!!

[bryanlee]

I only meant that we decided to pass on that particular person and not MFM in general. This guy is not someone that we hang out with, just someone she had history so we decided to pass on him based on that. MFM is still something we wish to share.

We in no way associate this lifestyle with love or any emotion close to that.

Bryan & Sharon