Met a great couple but things went nowhere! What happened?

[MidWestVirgins]

We're new to the forum here, and would like your insight for a specific situation.

Wife and I went through the process of talking about swapping, making our rules, signing up on a site, filtering emails, chatting all night, finally meeting a couple or 2 for dinner... and we hit it off with our 3rd couple!

Since then, we've gotten together about 4 or 5 times with them, and everytime we leave feeling so happy to have met them. They seem perfect for us, and they always tell us how happy they are to have met us.

As far as we know, they aren't very experienced either, which is one thing we liked about them. In all our meetings, we just hung out and got to know each other- dinner, drinks, dessert, walks, conversation about everything...

The last time we were with them, the conversation turned a bit more sexual. Oddly enough, it just hadn't gone there much before this time. We are the newbies and don't want to be toooo slow (I'm sure some of you already think so though, lol). We don't want to rush anyone either, but for some reason the conversation just seemed to hit a brick wall!

That was over 2 weeks ago now, and we haven't heard from the couple. Did we do something wrong? Did we scare them? Were they afraid to see us naked? We can't make heads or tails of it.

So... anyone been on either side of that situation before? We'd appreciate your input. Thanks so much!

[intuition897]

A oft-repeated quote here: "Make friends of swingers, but don't try to make swingers out of friends."

You made friends. You added a sexual component after the fact. It got weird.

We started out in the same position as you two did, and we wanted to get to know people first before jumping into bed with them. I think, for us, we may have had some lingering guilt or something that it was wrong to have sex with people simply because they made you horny. So we tried going the "friends first" route. It didn't work.

Then we stopped being apologetic about it when we realized that you didn't have to be bestest friends in the whole wide world in order to have a good time with another couple. It was more like saying "Hey, wanna play a game of [golf, poker, twister, etc]?" and getting to know them better after the fact. Not knowing them didn't mean that we didn't respect them. They were just friends we hadn't met yet. Swinging/sex was a completely unrelated thing.

[Amanda69]

There is a possibility of having friends who are your sexual partners but this couple might not be one of them. Who knows what scared them off. If indeed they have been scared off, maybe some horrible catastophe happened in their lives and they are just to overwhelmed to call.

Only one way to find out, call and ask. Then you will know if there was something you did, (though it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong) or if they just aren't ready or the disaster thing. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate..............

[MidWestVirgins]

Thanks for the responses. We weren't necessarily 'friends first', as we met them on a swinger site. There were always sexual topics in our conversations, but what we noticed is that it got weird after we started talking about doing stuff together. We started slow suggestions (games, same-room, etc.). Since then, we've exchanged 1 or 2 short IM's that usually end up with, "Hey, sorry to cut this short, but-" The communication thing is so important. We just don't like being the ones to always initiate it.

At the same time, we met 2 other couples before this one, and we didn't click that well with them, even though the 1 couple seemed to really like us. It was difficult for us to know how to handle that. Telling another couple after hours of chat online, that to find out you don't click in person is not easy. We basically just had to tell them we weren't interested anymore, and that was after 1 meeting. What makes this one odd is that it was after we've all hung out 4-5 times! If they weren't interested, wouldn't they have done this way back at the beginning?

*sigh*

[northindycpl]

Since you said that you thought they weren't very experienced either, it is possible that when you finally got around to the heart of the discussion, you all just want different things- sexually. That is the primary reason we would cut it short.

We try to lead our discussions off with what we are looking for in sexual playmates and then if we think that aspect will click, we try and get to know more about them. It usually take a cup of coffee to determine it. If we aren't interested, then we tell them and either we continue to be friends-that-swing-just-not-with-each-other or not.

Also, we may meet 10 couples or more before we meet the right couple that we know we want to play with, but I know that we are picky.

Have you asked this couple if they have been busy, or what the reason for no contact is?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by MidWestVirgins

As far as we know, they aren't very experienced either, which is one thing we liked about them.

I'm a little curious about this statement. Why is it that this is one of the things you liked about them? Is it the disease factor, or maybe that you want to avoid getting "pushed" into anything by a more experienced couple...?

I ask because we've met our share of both experienced and inexperienced couples, and while the inexperienced couples have their charms, we prefer couples who already have experience swinging. This is because they've already "got the bugs worked out" of the whole thing. They've already made their mistakes with other couples, learned from it, and we reaped the benefits. Our first actual play experience (soft swing only) was with a more experienced couple, and we found they put us at ease very quickly, which made for a fantastic time.

[MidWestVirgins]

Yes and Yes. We are afraid of upsetting a more experienced couple by being too slow. The theory is, with another newbie couple, is that we can all be embarassed and learn together. The D&D free thing helps too.

The other theory makes sense, about being with an experienced couple, but it takes a bit more guts on our end at this point.

[lovinher]

Were you going to their first? If so it could be that it had nothing to do with you. Sounds like when it hit them that it was time to play, one or both of them realized they couldn't go through with it.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by MidWestVirgins

...We are afraid of upsetting a more experienced couple by being too slow. ...

You won't, at least not one worth swinging with. They'll understand. Everybody was a newbie once.

-B

[clutch]

Nothing went wrong.

Stuff like that just happens. It probably won't be the last time. It's a wee bit like when you first learn to drive a clutch shift on a car or motorcycle.

And then, when you realize one day, that you can finally let it out without the car bucking (and maybe stalling) you get a big grin and say, "Ahhh. That's what I've been waiting for.

Likewise, you still might have a few stalls before you totally click with another couple, but after that, then you'll have a better and more experienced perspective.

You might try a swing club--just as observers at first--just to build a little confidence and maybe meet someone that you could go elsewhere with. (I'm not much into exhibitionism or clubbing, but it is a great meeting spot, and if there's a good crowd, a lot of fun.

Lots of luck and love.

[JTcamp05]

I have to agree with clutch here.....

Its all a part of the process......remember regular dating.....when it was just two of you...... now add the element of two more people.....it can get complex...hard to keep everyone on the same page.


Just a process......We find the meeting face to face much easier than the computer....so much time wraped up in online activity and you may meet and find out in a few seconds that it's not gonna work. Best advise I know is to keep trying.

[avgcpl4u]

Hi MidWestVirgins,

Ahh... not to worry, we've had this happen to us several times when first meeting someone inperson for the first or second time, weither they we new or seasoned. Sometimes it ends from never hearing from them again. Reason maybe, they had second thoughts about the whole idea, especially since their new to the lifestyle or, they're not someone's cup-of-tea, and or didn't want to say anything into hirting feelings. Either or, chock it up as gained experienced. Cause, it can happen to ALL best of swingers!...LOL...

Cheers

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I'm a little curious about this statement. Why is it that this is one of the things you liked about them? Is it the disease factor, or maybe that you want to avoid getting "pushed" into anything by a more experienced couple...?

I know with us, experienced couples can be intimidating. I mean, they already know the ropes and etiquette, and I am afraid that we would look like a couple of nervous fools lol. That would be my thoughts. But you know me, how I think too much most of the time lol.