Is swinging right for us?

[Chicup]

Lets say you wanted to try swimming for the first time.

First you read all about swimming.

Then you buy a bathing suit but it takes a month to find the right one.

Then you check out pool memberships after seeing every pool in a 50 mile radius.

Then you join a pool, but just hang out in your street clothes to be sure you are comfortable there for a couple of weeks.

Then you go in your bathing suits and try the same.

Then you put your toes in the water to see if you like the water, and talk about it being too cold or too hot for a few weeks.

Then you decide to walk down the first step into the water.

(well you get the idea here)

The above example is a far safer way to learn how to swim than jumping right in, but its going to take you a year to even be up to your neck in water. Your approach to swinging is the same thing, and if you want to go this slow, thats fine for you, but you are looking to find someone else who also wants to go that slow. This is going to be hard, and even if you do find them they will need to fit your other requirements as well.

While many of us took a while to decide to swing, those were our own conversations with just the two of us. If it took a day or a year didn't matter as we weren't looking for partners. Once most of us who think of ourselves as swingers (or lifestyle if you like to play with labels) decided to try it we didn't crawl but jumped right in. We may have floundered now and then, and had to gasp for air at times, but we acted. In our case we may have been white bread conservatives in our late twenties, but we knew each others fantasies and we wanted each other to realize them. Did we have some jealousy and other uncomfortable emotions at times? You betcha but our relationship was strong enough to handle them and over come them. Had we found a couple to 'swing' the same way you are hoping to proceed it not only would have taken us two years to ge to the point we got to in four weeks, but we would have still made the same mistakes and same issues would have come up. Its not like starting with mild breast touching is going to 'soften' the image of your wife giving another man a BJ, or that the BJ will make full swap seem that much softer.

You should always go as slow as the slowest member of the group, but apparently the slowest member of your group doesn't really want to be a swinger. As others have said you might be better off trying something more nudist oriented than swinging.

[She_n_Jaybee]

Well CuriouslyShy, you've already read several responses telling you all your mistakes. And some of them have good points. However, you raise some points that I strongly agree with. To me, swinging deserves a broader definition than strictly swapping partners. I believe it encompasses a wide range of non-traditional sexual behaviour. It allows us with needs/desires that are not generally accepted to fulfill and explore them. I find exhibitionism/voyeurism games as a great way to get started, and exciting in their own right. Although we are swing club regulars, many nights our entire activity is limited to merely have sex in the same room with others. Perhaps we are not goal oriented. We approach each situation and each couple as unique. How we interact with them, depends on their comfort level and many other things.

You are certainly within your rights to want to go at your own pace, and I applaud you for knowing so well what you want. However, perhaps your ad is the wrong place for that information. It is so restrictive I am not surprised the only responses are harassing. Most couples will feel that you're looking only for the 1 perfect couple for you. I don't know many who believe in their own perfection when it will be put to the test. Instead, tell the people that you're going slow, looking for no-pressure couples for same room fun, but that you're not ready for swapping. Also you need to be clear about your own sexuality. Your ad says the Mrs. is straight, but bi and curious women are okay, but don't try to change her. Some seriously mixed signals there. That says you're looking for bi women, but they better not touch you. At least that would be my interpretation. If you're curious but nervous, say so. If you're completely straight with no desire for any female-female contact, come to the point. Also, you might consider broadening your age range. Although we are much too old, by your standards, we have had our best encounters with couples of your age. At first you're just meeting people and testing the waters. Open yourself up to meet others, you might be surprised at what you find.

We'd be more than happy to introduce you to a swing club, just to clear up the misconceptions you have about them. I know them well as I had the same thoughts before I went to my first club. In short, my advice is relax your standards, but not your rules. Open yourself up to meet a broader range of people, and be assured that no hearts will be broken if you tell someone you're not interested.

Good luck!

[good times]

I don't think many here would advocate going faster than you are comfortable going. I further don't see here were anyone said their is some minimum standard that you need to conform to, as I am sure most of us feel that is something you have to decide for yourself. In your original post to this thread you said "We've had an add on Swing Lifestyle for a couple months now, but aren't getting the results we were hoping for.". You seemed to be asking why we thought your weren't getting those results. I think the previous posters have tried to answer that question. I am sure it makes no difference to us what your limitations and requirements are. We are just trying to point out here that the limitations and requirements you list in your profile are probably why you are not getting the response you had hoped for.

Quite frankly, I have never met anyone in swinging that would be interested in what you are offering. I don't say that because I believe that their is no one out their that matches your criteria, all I am saying is that I would bet it is very few. Lets face it, most of us have plenty of vanilla friends that we can go hang out with, and in our case at least, most of our vanilla friends would be willing to do most of what you are suggesting in your ad with us. We have spent time with them nude in hot tubs. Played a little strip poker, heck, we have even been known to get a little frisky and make out a little with some of our vanilla friends, and they aren't swingers and have no desire to be.

I guess what I am trying to say is, you are advertising on a swinger sight, yet in that ad their is nothing to indicate you are interested in swinging. In fact, if I read it correctly, it clearly indicates that you are not interested in swinging. With that impression from your ad, and what you have written here I have the feeling that you not only are not interested in swinging now, but are pretty sure that you never will be. Am I wrong? Just to clarify a bit, lets turn your question around here. If my impression is correct, and I am sure most who see your ad would get a similar impression, then why would anyone contact you? In other words, what are you offering in your ad that a swinger, or someone new wanting to get into swinging would be intersted in?

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by CurioslyShy

Just from our perspective here- We hear everyone saying to go as slow as the slowest person, and respect boundries, etc., but then we feel like the boundries have a minimum. For example, if we decide to take it 1 small step at a time (which is recommended by almost everyone), then we get educated on how our steps are too small. If our 1st step is just exhibitionism/ voyeurism, then we're fine not being 'true swingers' because we don't want to involved touching, etc. Our goal is not to receive the title of 'swinger', it's to enhance our relationship how we both agree will enhance it the most.

Yes, but you're going on a site where most couples place ads to meet like-minded people to swing with. That's why you're not having much luck. Most couples are not looking for what you're looking for, so, they don't write. That's just how it is, and it has nothing to do with anything other than everyone is looking for couples who have the same approach to having a good time as they do. It can mean anything from a little strip poker to pornographic, but none of them is 'wrong' (that was your word). It's just a matter of odds.

It's not that your steps are too small for you, but they may be too small for the majority of swingers. Hell, it's hard enough to find couples online even with the least amount of modifiers. Add in a few limiting factors, and you get...well, not a lot of mail. You've already met one couple, at least. Those are pretty good odds considering you've only been members 1.5 months. Believe me, online swinging is slow, tedious work.

I think if you changed where and how you're looking for other couples, you'd have better response. A lot of couples try online first, thinking it's a easy, less pressured way to meet new people. What most soon realize that the effort of emailing, chatting, setting the meet-up, and actually making it to the meet location is far more pressure than going to a club. Meeting people face to face would probably make it easier to find people who would be interested in taking things slowly. Not necessarily at an on premises club, which is what you've described, where there's group sex, etc. but some off-premises meet and greet. Where we are, we call them socials. They're usually in hotel ballrooms or at local clubs, and it's as low pressure as it gets. You can talk to people, flirt around, have a good time in a completely vanilla way, and perhaps get to know some people well enough that they might be interested in becoming friends with you.

We're just giving the advice because it was solicited....

Good luck!
Pepper

[CurioslyShy]

Hey guys. Glad to hear all of your input. We do agree- we're not swingers. That's basically what it comes down to. We didn't expect a flood of emails when we signed up. "Not getting the response desired" was speaking more of the fact that the people who DID respond weren't a match at all. The great thing is that this has really helped the 2 of us discuss all our options in even more detail. We'll see where it goes! It would be cool if there was a site for people like us to socialize and meet up with others like us. We've heard that we're looking in the wrong spot, but haven't heard any suggestions for a good spot- not that it's your job to do the research. We just noticed a few other couples/ posts who all seem to be in a similar boat and figured you regulars deal with people like us every so often and might already know a good place to send us. So, with that all said, again, thanks for your input and insight. It was truely helpful.

[good times]

If you do find such a place please let us know because, as you say, we get this request every once in a while. Good luck in your search.

[marksgirl2]

thanks I was wondering about where kids might fit into this. But really, scheduling is a hassle even with friends who don't have kids, so I can only imagine the nightmare. Usually though, folks with rugrats have babysitters lined up who can step in with very little notice.

Good luck!