Being 'selective' stinks

[Chicup]

I’ve decided that being picky or ‘selective’ in swinger PC speak really just sucks. We are looking for a certain set of traits in both personality and looks which limits us to only a small subset of swingers, then added to that they have to like us, so when all is said and done we have one maybe out of 20 some emails. Even in a major metropolitan area like we are in, you burn though the available swingers fast.

On the flip side we have old friends who are much less selective than we are. They tend to do more, and seem to have more fun in the lifestyle by a good margin. When I've met the couples they have played with, most would not be in our strike zone.

Now this isn’t a whine really, we can’t change what is attractive to us. I, the male, am more selective than she is. I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in. She is a bit more liberal in her tastes, but even so can be picky in her own right.

So where am I going with this? Well out of curiosity and as a discussion topic.

Do you think of yourself as picky?
Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?
Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Do you think of yourself as picky?
Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?
Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

I think we're fairly picky.

I think that I (female) might be a little bit pickier than he is, but not much. I take that back - it's about equal. We both need to be physically attracted and we both need to feel comfortable around them, easy conversation, etc. We need to like them, even if we've only known them for an hour before play. Best of all are people we can laugh with, the kind that we could become friends with.

Yes, we definitely play with people we wouldn't date. This isn't dating....swinging is sex for fun. In fact, I've become increasingly irritated in how couples make all of this so much harder by choosing fuck buddies based on their DATING criteria. It took me years to find my wonderful soulmate, Mr. Tybee. That is special and totally separate from the process of finding fun friends to fuck with. Soulmates/dating/love/romance is not anywhere near the same game to me as finding swing partners....not even remotely the same.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in.

I'm very curious...what is the type you're most interested in?

[Couple_N_Ark]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Do you think of yourself as picky?
Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?
Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

First let me say that we are fairly liberal in who we play with....but at the same time we don't feel we've ever taken one for the team.

I (Jayson) am probably more picky than Lisa is, which is really kind of interesting, since Lisa could have just about any man she wanted. I, on the other hand am 47 with some gray hair, and need to lose weight. As for looks though I'm an average looking guy...so not dog ugly or repulsive or anything.

Maybe I'm lucky that I have Lisa and her good looks opens up more possibilities for me. Maybe the other couple is so hot for Lisa (she is bi) that the lady of the other couple doesn't mind being with me.

We also mostly play at on premise clubs, love exhibitionism and voyeurism, and maybe this helps us out, since we don't mind getting naked and doing "it" in front of others. Oftentimes that seems to be an invitation for someone to join us.

Lisa has been much more "satisfied" by men who are probably over 40, and not a muscle bound young stud.

Yes we've played with couples that we'd never date if we were vanilla. But then we tend to be with younger couples, and I'd never date someone so young in the real world.

[WildMiCouple]

Tammy is definately more picky than I am. Seems like she's getting pickier these days too But my glass is always half full, so I can usually(definately not always lol) find something sexy/attractive with a woman to be interested in her. But the problem with us is, Tam is such a natural flirt, it's hard to get a read on her intentions as the night progresses :rollseyes. I have to pull her out to the dance floor and ask her if she's really interested in the husband Other times, she'll surprise me and ask if we're all ready to go to our room I've quit trying to figure her out Now when we go to the dances, I leave all expectations at home....other than having a fun time out partying together. And it works out that we play maybe half the time.

Brett

[mrs good times]

Originally Posted by WildMiCouple

Tammy is definately more picky than I am. Seems like she's getting pickier these days too But my glass is always half full, so I can usually(definately not always lol) find something sexy/attractive with a woman to be interested in her. But the problem with us is, Tam is such a natural flirt, it's hard to get a read on her intentions as the night progresses :rollseyes. I have to pull her out to the dance floor and ask her if she's really interested in the husband Other times, she'll surprise me and ask if we're all ready to go to our room I've quit trying to figure her out Now when we go to the dances, I leave all expectations at home....other than having a fun time out partying together. And it works out that we play maybe half the time.

Brett

Brett, I couldn't have described us better than you just did. There is one small difference though Mr. GT is the picky one.

Just last weekend I saw a couple that I thought was attractive and Mr. GT said no. A half hour later he is playing grab-ass with the girl. I had to pull him into another room and ask him again what his intentions were because I had been avoiding the husband all night. He says, still no, just flirting. I just go along for the ride, with veto power of course.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I’ve decided that being picky or ‘selective’ in swinger PC speak really just sucks. We are looking for a certain set of traits in both personality and looks which limits us to only a small subset of swingers, then added to that they have to like us, so when all is said and done we have one maybe out of 20 some emails. Even in a major metropolitan area like we are in, you burn though the available swingers fast.

Great thread!

This is something I've thought about a bit as well. We're still new, having only been at this a few months. I'd consider us somewhat selective. There are new couples signing up all the time, but I wonder how long it would take before we're in the same boat. There are a few couples we've seen multiple times, and hope to keep those things going. But realistically, sooner or later people will leave our lives.

Originally Posted by Chicup

On the flip side we have old friends who are much less selective than we are. They tend to do more, and seem to have more fun in the lifestyle by a good margin. When I've met the couples they have played with, most would not be in our strike zone.

Now this isn’t a whine really, we can’t change what is attractive to us. I, the male, am more selective than she is. I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in. She is a bit more liberal in her tastes, but even so can be picky in her own right.

I'd put it a slightly different way... it's hard to change what we find unattractive, whether it's a big belly, bad teeth, or cocky attitude. There's effectively a floor on the level of attractiveness that each of us can be turned on by, when the potential playmates have personalities and attitudes we like.

I am curious about the selectivity on education, though. You're not hiring them, are you? Mr. Fuse and I both have advanced degrees in technical fields, but I couldn't care less whether my playmates can count in hex, diagram a sentence, or quote Whitman. We do care that they are somewhat intelligent and have active minds, but if they haven't finished high school, I don't give a hoot -- as long as they are old enough to have done so .

Originally Posted by Chicup

So where am I going with this? Well out of curiosity and as a discussion topic.

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Yes, although I'm still using the term "selective" . I'm not disillusioned about it yet.

Originally Posted by Chicup

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Definitely me, the female. Mr. Fuse is, well, a guy. Plus as has been discussed often, there are a lot of mis-matched couples out there. We just went to a club last Saturday for the first time. Man oh man, there were so many stereotypical couples where the woman was hot and put together, and the guy was nowhere near as attractive. Mr. Fuse liked several women, but there was only one guy I liked. Most of the women I liked more than the men .

Originally Posted by Chicup

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

No and yes. Looks-wise, no. As I wrote above, there's a certain floor on looks, and it was the same thing when I was in the vanilla dating scene.

For personality, attitude and education, we are much more flexible, as I also wrote above. We like meeting people who are unlike those in our vanilla social groups, and playing with them. But I would not have dated them (except just casually). For a more serious vanilla relationship, other things would have come into play (no pun intended), like education, future prospects, "book" smarts, family, political values, the overall paradigm one lives in, etc. But to hang out with people and enjoy their company and have steamy sex, it's just personality, attitude and physical attraction for us.

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by mrs good times

I just go along for the ride, with veto power of course.

....that's exactly how I feel, Mrs GT.

Brett

[2GirlsGoodBenBa]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Do you think of yourself as picky?
Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?
Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

1. Overall the both of us are fairly picky when it comes to choosing play partners. It actually bothers us when people want to jump right into meeting and often times wanting to play that day/night because we want to at least get of feel of who's who and what's what. Usually, if the male is running the show or the female and if there is truly a genuine interest in us both by all parties involved because we have been burned with the "socially bisexual" game before. Or, "couples" using the female to lure us in for the male. So, through this "process" we usually find people that have a real interest in us and not just wanting to hit the hay right off.

2. Being a female couple.. ..We are both picky. Actually, one more than the other. For example: If, one finds a couple attractive the other may think the male is not appealing. It's a weird process for us when finding people.

3. No. We don't. And, it's so that we know the both of us would be comfortable and have a good time. We feel that we may have "taken one for the team" in our private lifes but when it comes to living in a world of fantasy (if that is the best way to describe the lifestyle) we should follow through and not settle.

[good times]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Absolutely, wish I weren't as picky as I am, but that is just the way I am wired I guess.

Originally Posted by Chicup

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

As she has already noted, my strike zone is much narrower than Mrs. GT's.

Originally Posted by Chicup

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

Yes, my strike zone in swinging is pretty narrow but back in my dating days I was even pickier. In fact, my dating strike zone was miniscule compared to my play strike zone. I think that is because the goal is different though. When I was dating, I wouldn't date someone that I didn't think their was a possibility of having a long term relationship with. In swinging it is much simpler, the only criteria is if the woman and I have an attraction and interact in a way that is sexually stimulating.

[tribbles]

A year ago we were told (by the male of a couple we didn't play with but the couple has been swingers over 10 yrs).. "You know how someone is attractive to you, but then you get to know them and they aren't anymore? Well.....fuck them all fast before that happens and you will have more fun"......

I (the female) still kinda like to talk a bit first but it depends cuz we like group room play and sometimes things just flow and happen in the right group.

I'd have to say neither of us consider ourselves picky, except in one way....the other people HAVE to want to just have FUN.

S

[Amanda69]

Selective is what we are and what we will remain. We don't compromise for the sake of numbers. There are always new swingers out there, just socialize, visit different clubs, go on road trips and enjoy.....

I never regret being selective but I have regreted a few occasions when I wasn't...

[Sweet_Candy]

Originally Posted by Amanda69

Selective is what we are and what we will remain. We don't compromise for the sake of numbers. There are always new swingers out there, just socialize, visit different clubs, go on road trips and enjoy.....

I never regret being selective but I have regreted a few occasions when I wasn't...

Dito Amanda! It's not about numbers if that were the case all the money we've spent on this activity could have gone to many professional sex-perts. Now those would be big numbers!

[EvilMJ]

I admit I can be very selective. But it is not all physically based, it is also personality as well. I find a man who is personable, outgoing and fun very appealing and he doesn't have to look like movie star either. But there are some definate turn offs:

• No spark/attraction
• Bad hygiene
• Someone who is WAY too forward, way too soon
• Is too quiet, no conversation, does not make me feel attractive in anyway

Personality is a big thing for me and you can be a hot bod but if there is no personality it isn't going to work. Hubby is less picky than I am, but we have still managed to find some nice partners.

In fact if you look at the men of the couples that I have chosen to play with you will probably see a pattern and most of them are big flirts who like to have a fun.

There is nothing wrong in being picky, except when you get so picky that you limit yourself to the point of hardly having anyone fun and not finding suitable partners.

[Chicup]

Just some clarifications so the thread doesn't necessarily become about what we the Chicups find attractive, and stays on the more general course.

Education: When I bring up education I don't expect them to have PhD's, but I do expect them to be able to string two sentences together and use semi-proper grammar and pronunciation. Very intelligent and educated women are in fact a turn on for me, Mrs. Chicup has an IQ of 156. On the other hand I didn't know she had an IQ like that when I first had sex with her WAY back when so its not a requirement

The 'date' question: I didn't phrase that well. Instead of date what I should have said was something more like 'Would you have sex with someone in swinging that you wouldn't have sex with were you a single'. Dating implies a long term relationship.