Testing the swinging waters by first using a prostitute?

[Calvin]

Hello everyone. I've spent some time lurking here and have decided to post a question that I hope some of you may be able to answer.

My wife and I have been toying with the idea of swinging on and off for a couple of years (we're both in our mid 30's). Not knowing anything about how one enters this kind of thing or for that matter anyone who is actually involved in swinging we were glad to find this site and the wealth of information it seems to offer on the subject. Bonus points to you for making it such an "adult" source of reference and information.

Now for the setup:

We are very secure in our marriage and our relationship both in the physical and more importantly emotional sense. Neither one of us has ever engaged in extra-marital sex in the past and our sex life has been pretty good over the years. We've had sex with other people before we met so we feel that on the whole, we are fairly well balanced and sexually mature adults.

So we are in the process of evaluating the possibility of trying out this lifestyle but would first like to test our emotional strengths vis a vis having sex with an outside person. It does not need to be a 3-some. In fact, for the first time it probably should not be. We are thinking that for the first time, we should try to find a "professional" with whom we can have sex and see what kind of impact it has on us as a devoted and loving couple. The theory being - a prostitute would give us the initial anonimity and arm's length distance from any emotional ties that may be associated with actual swinging where a certain emotional investment must be made in getting to know and hopefully like the other couple or individual. We are not opposed to taking those steps if things do work out and we find that we can handle extra-merital sex in the way we anticipate. But, we do not want to bite off more than we can chew the first time out.

So the question is:

a) Do you advise that we test the waters by first contacting a prostitute? Please keep in mind that we do not equate prostitution with swinging and do realize the vast difference between the two. We are just trying to discover the personal dynamics of us having sex with a person outside our marriage.

b) Have any of you chosen to go that route at the start and if so, what has been your experience (if you don't mind sharing)?

c) If this is one legitimate approach in helping us enter the swinging lifestyle then would anyone mind recommending "safe" methodes of recruiting a prosititute (both female and male)?

Any other helpfull thoughts, suggestions or caveates that some of the more experienced members would like to share are welcome.

Thanks much. We look forward to your responses.

[goliath]

Bad idea. If you want to test the waters try a swingers club. Some of the clubs have a great dance or get together before anyting else happens. At most of the good clubs, NO means NO. This is very important. My wife and I are new to the lifestyle and love it. It has broght us closer, and with a better understanding of each other. We have found it has made us more open about everything. You must remember that having sex with someone else is just that, only enjoying the newness of having sex with someone else. But you must make your mate understand, no matter what happens you love her and she loves you. You both might love sex, but you both love each other first.

[FromFlorida]

I can't help wonder if this isn't a troll. If not, here are my and my wifes thoughts on this.

Sounds like playing Russian roulette, with all chambers loaded. You are risking some serious emotional problems and the obvious physical problems.

A much safer thing to do, would be, to spend some time reading everything on this message board. Then spend some serious time talking to each other about this. And then talking some more. Ask more questions here. If you still can't decide, then you are better of just leaving it alone.

MIke

[LIZA]

Actually I disagree.........If you are ready to try including a third person sexually but are worried about jealousy or emotional involvement, this may not be a bad idea.
It will give you an idea of how you will both react seeing the other being sexually involved with another without the "strings" of metting a regular non-pro couple. If one or both of you cannot handle it, you can stop the action at any time and be done with it.
I wouldn't make a habit of it but as a one-time experience, why not?
Most larger city's have "escort services" which are usually females only. Frankly I can't see why you would want to pay for a man, finding a man to provide anonymous, no-strings FREE sex is probably a piece of cake

[SnittyKitty]

I agree the club is a good idea. But am pretty new at this too, and the best advice I can give you is read the threads posted here on this website...an excellent education! You get an idea of who we are, what our values are.

You have to talk to your wife, and BOTH of you must be on the same page. You must have a foundation.

If that's in place, ask your questions...this site is excellent.

Go to the ads section and look up who is in your area &/or zip code. We seek an area about 150 miles for us, but everybody is different. Look for an ad that fits "you", email them, talk to them.

Our first meet, I asked a zillion questions. Funny, I loved their company. We met two couples this night, and the knock out couple didn't do anything for us. It was a couple that was like us...what they had was personality, and we hit it off with them.

I was honest and truthful from the get go. And I told them I was nervous, that's expected. And I found I could be more myself with my wife with them, and that was terrific! We didn't have sex that night. We talked and talked, and it was a wonderful evening.

There is no way to know what lies ahead for you. If there are doubts, you slow things down and deal with them. You take this slow, and on your pace, and your spouse's pace. Work together!!! Talk together!!!

Did I tell you how much I respect, befriend and love my wife, for the joy we have in fulfilling each other's fantasies? That is the definition of marriage...a trust that allows each of us to be ourselves; with each other!

[OneOfTwo]

We too are "brand new" to this. We choose to go to the club for our "1st" time. We went this past Saturday night. RIGHT THING TO DO FOR US! We were treated very warmly by the staff and members present. There was absolutely NO pressure at all. We had a great time and the best thing was the next morning after we talked about it....we will go back! And yes, we choose to...<Big Grin>.

[danc694u]

Personally, we feel like that's a bad idea. But, if it's what you feel like you need. Then by all means, go for it.

If you elect to attend a "social" first though. Your choices will be much better, and you'll get to see how the lifestyle really works.

Most couples are completely understanding of "newbies". And, changing your mind at the last minute is allowed. Where as, when you pay the hooker. Your money is spent, even if you change your mind.

Besides, a "social" is much cheaper than a hooker :p

[OneOfTwo]

OK, you heard from the male half of us. Now you get me.

As stated earlier, this was a 1st for us. The party/nightclub atmosphere was great! One of our main goals was to simply sit and talk with other couples living or exploring the lifestyle. That goal was met right away. Those conversations with other "newbies" and older members of the club were priceless!

A prostitute will perform sex but I would think you would miss out on the valuable experience of meeting other couples with similar interests. The natural progression of frank question/answer "getting to know someone" dialogues can't be imitated by a prostitute. I don't believe she will have quite the same anxieties.

As for anonymity, you might check into a club within a reasonable driving distance for you...make a weekend excursion out of it. Of course, you should also consider that if you run into someone you know - they are there for the same reason you are. That could be a good thing!

Good Luck to you!!

[ 11-20-2001: Message edited by: OneOfTwo ]

[Flori_DAMAN]

If your only purpose is to experience reactions of your spouse to being with another person than a prostitute should serve the purpose well.
Too many people go to clubs and get jealsous and wreck the evening for themselves and others.
Prostitution is nothing more than sex without commitment or expectations other than what you pay for.
Based on your premise this may be just the thing for you. John

[JustAskJulie]

While I don't feel that the overall idea of finding someone to have sex with just to test the waters is a bad one.. I don't think that prostitution is your best choice.

I don't think prostitution should be illigal but IT IS. That said you risk a lot more than your own emotions by going this route.

You can easily find a third person who will be emotionally unattached with the understanding that this a one-time thing. Someone who will do it legally and for free.

I have to wonder about a few unanswered questions here. You mentioned that it wouldn't be a 3-some. What would it be? Just you (the guy) and the prostitute? Just your wife and the prostitute? Either way it won't answer all your questions? Your wife seeing you with a woman won't answer how you will feel to see her with a man, or vice versa. These are all things you need to consider.

How one chooses to enter this lifestyle is up to them.. if they feel they must test the waters in one way or another first.. that is their choice... but you should weigh all the aspects first. Do as much research as possible and ask each other as many questions as possible. Once that is done, then you will have a much more clear idea of what you will or will not be able to handle.

[Calvin]

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. It is reassuring to see that, like in most social groups, many people still maintain a certain individuality of ideas and originality of opinion.

Like I said, it's a learning process for my wife and I and it may (or may not) lead to us actually emerging into the swinging life style.

What we have going for us, our main strengths, are complese devotion to one another and the ability to discuss anything and everything. We have great respect for one another's thoughts and feelings. I suppose, at least in this respect, we are much like many of you.

To answer a few of the questions posted by some of you (forgive me if I inadvertantly omit some of you).

a) No, I assure you that this is in no way a troll post.

b) Yes sexual contact with a prostitute does pose great STD risks and we intend to take every available precaution to avoid potential dangers.

c) Swinging is not without it's own risks of contracting STD. By it's very nature it should also be classfied as a high risk activity. Please note that I am not accusing anybody of being irresponsible or unaware of the inherent dangers.

d) The reason I did not assume that our first extra-merital sexual escapade would be a three or four-some is because we've both decided that it would be good to give eachother some space the first time to let the participant figure out on his/her own if this is right for him/her. The pressure of the other partner's presence may be intimidating the first time out (in our humble opinion).

e) Very valid point about prostitution being illegal. I guess in some states adultery laws still exist, at least on paper, so technically, swinging may be viewed as an illegal activity as well. But that's neither here nor there - one of the reasons we haven't taken the step of contacting a prostitute is the actual fear of being caught and arrested for trying to procure sex for money.

Which leads me to ask the question:
In your (educated?) opinion(s), how safe are the escort services which typically advertise in the yellow pages of most large US cities? I mean safe from the prying eyes of the law, of course.

[Flori_DAMAN]

Sounds like a good question to ask a lawyer. Many cities have variances in what they tolerate. Doesnt sound too risky to me though. It would seem they are more concerned with the streetwalkers than the legitimate escort gals.

[danc694u]

Originally posted by Calvin:
In your (educated?) opinion(s), how safe are the escort services which typically advertise in the yellow pages of most large US cities? I mean safe from the prying eyes of the law, of course.

About as safe as a hooker.

I have a friend in Ft Worth/Dallas who runs an escort service. He says they get checked at least once a month by police. And, he has had to bail a few of the girls out of jail.

While they try to maintain a "legal" looking business. What the girls do outside the "listed" expectations, is still up to the individual girls.

An additional note of interest. I've always been one to say, "If you want to run into your next door neighbor or a co-worker, at a social. Drive at least 75 miles to one, instead of going to one that is local." I've met more people that I grew up or work with, by driving out of town to a social, than when we attend local socials.

Besides, if you do run into someone you know. What are they going to say? That they saw you in a "swingers club". Thereby admitting they too where there?

David -- the male half

[ 11-21-2001: Message edited by: danc694u ]

[JIM & Jodi]

That is how we started in the lifestyle, in fact that is how we found the lifestyle! To briefly answer your question; At the time we had never heard of swinger clubs and thought this was the only way to satify a strong bi craving my wife had. At the time it was OK at best. Now affter fully entering the lifestyle and having many experiences outside of the "escorts" our opinion is that they were horrible. Not even close to the level of people we have met in the clubs, and way way too much money for exactly 60 minutes or less of chit hat and brief playtime. I think you both would have a much better time starting out in clubs. We were nervous about the jealousy thing too, but realize any couple who you fool around with will know it is your first time and any couple who does this knows that if it is your first time, unexpected things could go wrong if you guys realize you are jealous.