Do you ever get overwhelmed by too many swinging options?

[Spoomonkey]

Right now, we have 5 PMs waiting for us on our internet ad...

We haven't answered them because we have been quite busy - and they have all come in over the past 24 hours...

Last night we went to the club and it almost felt like an obstacle course. Old friends wanting our time, new friends wanting to chat (or more), couples and singles we aren't interested in pushing themselves into our space, and one couple - who we were planning on hooking up with being kept at a distance because of the same types of demands...

That and they work at the club, and the event they were in charge of went long...

In the end - at about one in the morning, Mrs Spoomonkey losing her battle with her cold and both of us turning into pumpkins, we told the couple we were there to see that we would have to take a rain check. They understood and we made our way to the door - and no less than three couples made last ditch plays to get us to stay...

I have to be honest - I do like the attention - but sometimes you don't know which way is up. I started this thread on "double dipping" because I am beginning to think we may end up having to some night (we have before, but we prefer to just have a LOT of fun with one couple). At any point, we could have played... Or we could have simply formed a chain of "bed notching" opportunities that would have left us hobbled... But that really isn't our style.

It's actually been this way for the past couple of months and it seems to be getting worse. Gone are the days when you can sit and talk with a couple for a few hours before discreetly sneaking upstairs. The last few times we've gone to the club we either didn't play because we simply had too many feelings to hurt if we did - or we waited it out until most of the couples left.

I am sure most of you can relate. How do you handle those seasons where you feel like you can't walk into the club or open up your e-mail without being able to relax.

At best - it is a lot of fun - but before you know it, it's two in the morning and you've blown the night talking to a dozen couples without connecting with any. At worst - I've had to simply find a corner to hide in to catch my breath.

Spoomonkey

PS - this has been bugging me for a long time and I have been very hesitant to post it because it might come across wrong. "Poor Spoomonkey, getting hit on at the club..." Boo Hoo... But I really would like some insight because it seems to really spoil our chances to have any fun when we feel like we are being fought over like the last scarf at Penney's.

[Chicup]

Spoo it was the start of what you are experiencing which prompted me to write my ‘leaving the lifestyle’ post.

We had lots of couples wanting to meet us, we had people we wanted to meet, people we wanted to avoid, people who most likely wanted to avoid us, and it was taking too much of our time and thoughts.

Before we got to your stage, we decided to back off a bit, and return to a hobby rather than lifestyle attitude towards swinging.

Remember what is most important to you, focus on that and don’t worry about the rest.

[good times]

I feel your pain buddy, because it seems to happen this way for us sometimes too. And its not because we are so hot that everyone wants us, I wish that were the case, but I have to be realistic.

I think the main reason this happens to us is that we are pretty regular attendees at the club which means that several things seem to happen that add to this problem. The first is that we have become pretty good friends with a lot of the regulars and everyone wants to visit with us and catch up on what has been going on since we last saw them. Then their are the less regular attendees who know that we are usually there and come with the intention of trying to hook up with us but haven't bothered to mention this to us in advance, and it seems like we always have several couples in this category show up on the same night. So then it becomes the problem of playing with nobody because you don't want to hurt anyones feelings. And then their are the people that just seem to like to get turned down a lot and continue to pursue us even though we have declined to hook up with them in the past. Add all that up and it often uses up pretty much a whole evening out at the club.

On the other hand, we usually always have a good time when we go, so it is still a better evening than if we had stayed home watching TV. And every once in a while we have a night like last night. We arrived at the club around 9:00 and it was pretty dead with just us and a few other regulars. So we had a few drinks and visited a bit. Then around 10:30 people stared showing up and by 11:00 we had met a new couple that we were able to get to know and spend a very pleasant evening with.

I would have to say it can be a problem, but it isn't the worst problem we could have. And while we aren't experts at it yet, we are getting better at diplomatically dealing with these situations as time goes on. And lets face it, some nights we go to the club and aren't in the mood to play but still enjoy visiting with our friends. On those nights most of these problems aren't so bad to have.

[bear_and_babe]

All I can say is enjoy the attention. I have been in such a slump that I could be the only woman in a club full of men and I think all the guys would play with each other than get near me!

But I can remember 1 night that I had 4 guys interested in playing with me and there was not enough time to play with everyone, so I ended up turning everyone down and Bear and I had a good time with each other.

There is only so much time in the night and you should be able to spend it the way you want and with who you want. I think if we were at the club planning to spend time with one couple and had other offers, we would just be honest and say we are "spoken for" for the night. I think most people would understand.

Good luck with your "problem" and enjoy!

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

It's good to hear that other's have had this problem before and how you handle it. This board is great isn't it? There's always someone who can relate, understand and offer some insite to your dilema.

We actually had a blast at the club last night but it was overwhelming. And while we were kind of "spoken for" as bear_and_babe mentioned we ended up not being able to play with them for some of these same reasons.

good times, we are like you guys in that we sometimes go to the club not to play but just because it's a fun night out. The atmosphere is great and we occasionally are in the mood to just visit with everyone, dance, play pool and then go home and be with just each other.

Chicup, thanks for explaining this was part of your reasoning for your "leaving the lifestyle" thread. I don't remember if you explained it on that thread but now it does make sense. There can be lots of reasons for occasionally needing to just step back and think about things.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[good times]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Spoo it was the start of what you are experiencing which prompted me to write my ‘leaving the lifestyle’ post.

This is interesting and kind of made us think about our experiances lately.

While we didn't do it on purpose we actually took a few months off of going to the clubs this summer. We had a lot of things happening outside of swinging and just couldn't make the time to go. The interesting thing is that after reading your post here and thinking about it a little bit we realized that we haven't had this problem near as much since we started going again after a little break.

[GerdOEvert]

I am sure if you are as attractive in person as you are in your photo you get more attention than you can handle all the time.

We had some couples like that at the Club in the DC Metro Area. It is funny to see the interactions, and it must be tiring sometimes.

Otto

[DBL D]

One week we're moaning that no-one likes us and the next week we can't keep up. Maddening. Feast or famine. Surrender

Male D

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by DBL D

One week we're moaning that no-one likes us and the next week we can't keep up. Maddening. Feast or famine. Surrender

Male D

It is maddening and one can be as bad as the other. You can feast too much Hey didn't we just have a holiday where we probably all did just that

Mrs Spoomonkey

[WesternSwing]

We understand completely, Spoo. We have found ourselves ending-up with two other couples at the end of the night because we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings so you play with all of them. When returning PM's you don't want to make the other people feel like you are brushing them off because you might be interested in them, but you just don't have the time right now.

The answer? We don't know. We know couples that have pulled their ads off of swingers sites because they had too many offers from some good people, but not enough time.

You'll be the first to know if we figure it out.

Mr. WS

[Pepper & Drew]

It's not the situation, Spoos, it's your reaction to it. Why can't you spend hours talking to one couple and having fun with just them? If other people's feelings are hurt, as crass as it sounds, that's tough for them. They'll either understand or they won't, and it's fine with us either way. If they're good friends, they'll understand. If they're not, that's probably a good time to find out that they're not.

A few months ago we got caught up in the "oh, we should go talk to that couple or group, or we think they're nice, but aren't INTO them so let's spend all night avoiding them, or gee, we like this couple, but there's that other couple is hotter, but to be nice..." You get the idea. It's freakin' exhausting. So, now we play it by ear and we don't buy into the SHOULDZ. If we want to do something, we do it. We'll tell whatever couple as nicely as possible that we enjoy their company, but have other plans for tonight, or whatever. Because truly, although we don't want to make enemies, we didn't get into the lifestyle to play nursemaids to everyone else's egos. It has made a big difference in how much we enjoy socials. We went to one this weekend and had the BEST time we've EVER had at a social. You know why? Because we danced when we wanted to dance. We excused ourselves from couples that we weren't interested in (nicely of course), we mingled, we flirted, we politely turned down offers that we weren't interested in, met some people we'd talked to online and had a fantastic night/morning .

[TNT]

Hmmm, understand exactly what you mean Mr. Spoo....

One of mine and Ted's favorite saying is ...So many people to do and not enough time to do them

We have pretty much taken on the same attitude that Pepper & Drew have... we do what we want, not what others want us to. If we are at a social and are there to play specifically with one couple, we do spend time talking to others, but we also let them know that tonight we're playing with so-in-so, but thanks for the invite. If we are overwhelmed with PM's and e-mails...we let them all know that we are extremely busy most of the time and it may take time to get together. They either accept it or they don't.

We found that you can't live you life, either vanilla life or swinging life, trying to please others, you have to please yourself. Sometimes there is nothing to do but say sorry, we just don't have the time.

Teresa

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

This has been an interesting read. In going over TNT's and Drew & Pepper's post I think I have finally figured out our problem.

You both commented (I'm sure others did to but these were the last two I read before the light went on ) that you don't want to hurt other's feelings either and that you have to do who or what you want in the lifestyle. You try not to let others "corner" you into a situation where you hurt feelings or don't play at all for a night.

Here is our problem. I'll try to keep it short. Names will be removed to protect the innocent When we first started dating we use to have dinner out at the restaurant where my son was the chef and then he could come out and talk for a little while. We knew the manager (super nice) and some of the waitresses.

On one particular night this family of 5 had been waiting awhile (very busy friday night) and got a little "overly" agitated. They took turns going to the hostess and chewing her out and then came back and bragged about what the said to her. We watched the whole thing to our dismay and joked and tried to get the hostess smiling when she seated us.

We decided then to not ever be the "___" family (name left out to not hurt feelings ) (see we can't help ourselves :rollseyes ) Now it's good to not hurt feelings and be nice to clerks, waitresses, etc. But I think after reading this thread that we have almost gone overboard if that is possible.

We now worry so much about being nice to people that we end up not being nice to ourselves in a way. Now to learn to balance this out so we can still say we are not the "___" family and be nice to people we see week after week at our club but also have fun with the ones we want to.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[BodyScape02]

I just want to know when ... Thank you, but, no thank you... or… Thank you, but not right now...became an unacceptable answer?

It just seems people only want to hear the word...YES… when they ask you for something.

I think part of the problem is everyone is so quick to get their nose out of joint. They are so insecure that they take anything but YES as a personal insult. We have turned into middle-aged spoiled brats. Shame on us (I mean people in general... Mr. B and I try our best not to be this way)

I for one know when I ask someone if they would like to do anything( including play with me/us), that I can get one of three answers ( Yes...No…Maybe) it is not up to me to choose or demand the answer I want ..I have to accept the answer they give.

No means no, and maybe means, give me some space and relax a little. Why get all bent out of shape about it?

We just have to accept that sometimes people for their own reasons will not like the answer we have to give.

Like Pepper & Drew said...

"Because truly, although we don't want to make enemies, we didn't get into the lifestyle to play nursemaids to everyone else's egos."

and then this can happen…( also Pepper & Drew)

"We excused ourselves from couples that we weren't interested in (nicely of course), we mingled, we flirted, we politely turned down offers that we weren't interested in, met some people we'd talked to online and had a fantastic night/morning "