Do you swing with unmarried couples?

[tomas674]

we have been in the lifestyle for a few months.. and we have a diffucult time meeting other couples to play with. it seems once they find out we aren't married, we don't hear from them anymore. we are committed to each other and have been together a few years. we both have been married before and would rather not go through all that again. why would not being married make a difference? just curious..

[Alura]

Welcome from Oklahoma, Tomas! We're glad you've joined us and hope you'll stop by the Introductions forum and tell us more about the two of you.

The committment is important to us but not the marriage certificate. We can't tell you why couples don't want to play after finding out y'all aren't legally married, but my guess is somebody will do that soon.

This is a great place to learn about the lifestyle so stick around and get aquainted.

Alura

[ALilOEverything]

In the beginning we didn't like the idea of a couple not being married but we quickly realized that a couple can be just as committed. What's most important for me is that the couple is totally in love with each other, secure in their relationship and not a guy and a girl getting to getting together to make a couple in hopes to increase their odds of swinging.

[txduo2000]

The perception from others may be that the commitment level isn’t there, which is not always the case, but is often the perception.

Also, like another poster said, people may think you are in a relationship of convenience in order to swing, rather than a true relationship.

And last, it may be that you are meeting couples who are not secure enough in their own relationship and feel possibly threatened by the jealousy aspect, and the thought that an unmarried couple might somehow interfere with their own relationship.

Personally, I would downplay the unmarried part … just write your profile as normal, just leave out any references to marriage. There are plenty of profiles out there of couples who don’t specify if they are married or single or living together … they are just worded in a way that shows they are “together”.

Of course, when you meet people and if they ask “how long have you been married” you can just say something like, “We aren’t LEGALLY married, but we have been in a committed, exclusive relationship for X years. Our commitment level is not questionable at all.”

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by tomas674

...why would not being married make a difference? just curious..

We never gave much thought to whether a couple was married or just "together & committed to one another" until we played with a few couples where it DID make a difference in the end.

Here are some hitches we ran into with unmarried couples.

In both cases the couples lived in different households. In one case only he could communicate through the ad site. This felt unbalanced, she only got to read our mail and communicate when she was at his house, and that was only once every week or so. They had been dating for over a year. We later found out that her divorce wasn't finalized and she got back with her husband.

The other couple have been together over a decade, we presumed they lived in the same household, turns out they don't and they only allow the other to e-mail with the other present, which means rarely (busy lives and kids in the house who shouldn't see what they are doing online so they have a small window for writing).

In both cases the feeling of communicating with a couple wasn't there. We now prefer to meet couples who live in the same household. But you don't often know this unless you ask.

We've even been contacted by couples who are married...to other people! Once we even asked a couple who contacted us "Are you married, to each other?" They took it in good humor. The answer was yes.

It does not matter to us if a couple is married, but if they aren't, we like to get more information on their living situation and a sense of how committed they are to one another.

Some people may have had similar experiences to ours and may be hesitant to get involved with you. Or, don't want to take the time to find out more about you.

LM

[WesternSwing]

Welcome tomas674. For us being married is not a factor in whether or not we'll play. If we sense that it is a committed relationship, that is all that is important. The couples that are just hooked-up to be a "couple" in the swinging scene are not for us. And usually after just a short conversation we can weed that out.

Mr. WS

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

In both cases the couples lived in different households.

I ran into this once. I was chatting with the guy, the woman wasn't available and I asked if they were in a committed relationship. He said "Define committed?". It very quickly came out they were friends who both wanted to swing. She wanted the safety aspect of having another guy there and he wanted her to give him better odds than being a single.

[C n' D 4playin]

how odd that i find this thread as i visit here today....after just closing an IM conversation with a "couple" that we had just made contact with last week.
They were listed as not married....but in a "committed relationship"....
It turns out that that situation was a hubby that wasn't quite divorced yet......and the girlfriend that was trying to play along to make him happy.
We don't really know how others define "committed relationship"....but we have learned that it is ambiguous at best.
Thank goodness we got stuff figured out early on without wasting any further time with their situation. We wish them well.........but we are NOT your drama loving therapists..........our time is limited...and we enjoy folks that can get along.
(todays news....."he went back to his wife last night")......sheesh!

I only relate this current situation......to help deliver a point that there may very well be "history" for many folks that have had occasion to be with these "special pairings" and that they......like us....have found them something to be very cautious about.
Not everyone that claims to be to be "non-married but soulmates just the same"...........is.

This is not meant as an indictment of non married couples..........we know some VERY committed folks in that situation....(and we likewise know married folks that don't seem to be too paired).....but it is easy to become a bit cynical after we have had more uncomfortable experiences than comfortable ones. Our guess would be that the folks you are running into have had similar situations.
Fair?........hardly!.........but then....what is?

D

We do NOT worry if someone is married or not...that is just a legal status....but we DO like our partners to be able to relate to a committed relationship.....

[good times]

We have played with several couples that were unmarried. Most of them it was no problem but one couple we met were actually married but not to each other, we quickly ended that one.

[nicecpl89511]

We are a committed couple and we live together. We have met several couples who chose not to swing with us because we are not married. Now we are upfront with the fact that we are an attached couple. (Not that we were hiding it before.)

We met one couple who were married, but not to one another. We decided rather easily that we did not want to "play" with them. We also stay away from couples who seem to be temporarily together for the purpose of swinging.

[JustAskJulie]

I can definately understand where you are coming in a been there-done that perspective. People are often baffled that my bf and I have been together well over a year and haven't moved in together - as if that is some major sign of committment. We figure when we are ready to live together we'll just get married. Until then, things are fine the way they are. Personally, I'd be happy if he bought the house across the street

But, back to you. Many couples do have a rule that they will only play with married couples, and often end up playing with unmarried couples on presumption that they are married because no one asks. Others prefer that a couple have been together X number of years. I don't know that there is a real way to gauge committment, as everyone's definition is their own. To apply it to someone else is a bit skewed, so all they can really do is set their comfort level and go with that. Whatever it is about your status is making them uncomfortable to a point that they choose not to play with you. At least you are being honest about the situation and that's all you really can do. As with so many other things when it comes to preferences all you can do is be honest and then be patient until you find a couple where all 4 of you are comfortable together.

[nwmifun]

Hi - we actually got our start as an unmarried couple though we are married now. We actually had no problems on a major scale, but as we think back, we did have a few couples decline to meet us on that basis. But it wasn't a big thing and more often than not, it didn't seem to matter. Keep plugging away, something will come about!!

[jennandjamesinm]

I don't think that being unmarried should be a problem. The problem we had was the length of time that we have been together. We are married now, after only knowing each other for 4 months. We started to talk about swinging seriously about a month after we met. Then again, finding your soulmate and instantly knowing it helps too. I truly think it is about the level of commitment, now whether or not you have a ring on your finger and the papers to prove it.....

Jenn

[DBL D]

That is one of our rules that has changed...since we have met, and are very happy with, an unmarried couple as one of our playmates. They say they've been together for 4 years. They seem to spend time with each other although they aren't living together now. They live in the same city. I must say we have had that question: as to how committed they are but they seem to really like each other. No issues with swinging, that's for sure. I think I'm going to ask them if they love each other one of these days. But for now... We've asked them about marriage and they both say "why"? They've been there,done that. It's been a bit of a learning experience with them but we really like them so we'll just go with it til something happens, which we don't expect.

Male D

[EvilMJ]

We will play with an unmarried couple as long as they are living together and have been together for over a year. OTher than that we take it as a case by case basis.