Any advice on Screening potentail playmates?

[robnbarb]

Hi, new to the board and the lifestyle.

We were wondering if there was any advice you good folks might be able to give about screening potential playmates? Any questions we should ask or comments that should be made.

Just so you know we fully plan to be upfront and frank with people on ourselves and our wants.

[wrnakedru]

The most important screening criteria have to be set up between the two of you. It's difficult to tell you how you should screen potentials, since only you can set up the definition of what you seek. It depends on how specifically you two have discussed your individual desires and how you see your involvement and/or pursuits. It's important to discuss your boundaries - - what you're willing to be flexible regarding, and which items are absolutely "written in stone" requirements. If there are some things you're not quite certain about, but haven't totally rejected - it's important to acknowledge those as well and discuss them and why you have uncertainty about them.

It is probably easier to "screen" on line, to some degree. For instance, if you are a full swap, same room only couple you state that in your profile - - and look for that in others' profiles. Obviously, you would not be a good match with those who insist on separate rooms - - and there could be problems with those that simply prefer the separate rooms. Some of these are an issue only if you seek encounters with those that have the potential for long-term friendships. If your preference is one time encounters only - you needn't concern yourself with the possibilities of what "on down the road" might bring.

If meeting others at on-premise locations or party houses, I believe it would be expedient to state your "absolutes" pretty clearly once there's been some interest expressed in activity to keep the potential problems to a minimum. Since you're new, it might be simplest to ask another couple how they "normally" do things - and express clearly what does or doesn't work for you. You might find they are willing to accommodate your differences/requirements.

No matter the preliminaries, should you ever find yourself in mid-activity and things aren't going along as agreed - - firmly put a stop to anything you are not happy with and most especially, anything that is not what you agreed to before hand. There are some folks who will give "lip service" to you ahead of time, and then proceed at will, figuring you will go along or be too timid to put a stop to things. Please - don't hesitate to speak up if such ever happens to you!! You have a right to expect others to respect your boundaries, as you must respect theirs. If you have agreement ahead of time, honor that agreement and hold your playmates to it as well.

Don't ever feel you owe a durned thing to those who do otherwise. You "owe" only to one another - - and that is to hold things to what the two of you have agreed is right for you. It's a matter of trust and respect - - and honoring your word. It insures a happy playtime not only right now - but in the future too.

Enjoy! It's all about fun, after all.

WR

Good advice!!

If you are screening on line and looking for a couple be on the look out for an elusive wife. Alot of people are not real or it is actualy a single male who will eventualy come around to saying his "wife" is out of town but he can play alone. Or it is a cheating husband.

Have patience. A real good couple where all 4 click like old friends can be damn near impossibleto find.

[PAyoungCPL]

See if you can talk to anyone else that has met them prior.

[robnbarb]

Thanx for all the quick responces.

wrnakedru: Thanx for takeing the time for all the info, that was very helpfull and covered some things we had not talked about. You also hit one of Barb's big fears of a person who will refuse to stop once it starts and then they get pushy on stuff we didn't want. I can say I have had ex-girlfriends who have been pushy to me on stuff I didn't want and were shocked when I stood my ground and didn't waver. Hopefully we can either avoid this problem, but should it happen We fully plan to stand our ground.

Mr&Mrs-naughty I think I read you cover that in another thread but thanx for bringing it back up. I know of a guy who did this (or tried to, not sure how far he got) and he demolished his marrage when his wife checked his e-mail one day. His reasonings, He wanted extra sex but didn't want his wife to have any. All I could think is greedy bastard.

PAyoungCPL Now that is a good one I would have never thought of in a million years. We keep thinking we are isolated in this, thanx again to this board for reminding us we are not.

[PAyoungCPL]

Anything we can do to help. facelick
just remember your not isolated in this. the other couple is probably asking the same questions about you. its only natural to wonder and worry. As far as being isolated thier is an estimated 2-12 million swingers(that would be great if we had an actuall # maybe they can ask that on the next census.) And pretty much every one in the lifestyle i have met have been pretty easy going and helpful in any way possible.

[LikeMinds321]

Hi robnbarb!

Something we recently learned is how revealing a phone conversation is. We are searching for playmates through swinger sites and after about ten emails with one couple we set up a phone call when all four of us could talk. This was so valuable and eliminated the couple for us. We had already made plans to meet them which meant writing them after the call and telling them we changed our minds. In the future we won't set up a meet date until after talking on the phone.

A phone call is a must for us. Earlier in the relationship is better than later. People can come across so differently over the phone than through their writing.

Welcome to the board!

LM

[robnbarb]

Thanx Likeminds, we had been discussing phone calls since I am sure we would want to talk to them first as well. But it is nice to know we are kindof on a right track here.

PAcouple-REALLY that many, I never realized. WOW I will never feel isolated again.

Posted by LM:

Something we recently learned is how revealing a phone conversation is. We are searching for playmates through swinger sites and after about ten emails with one couple we set up a phone call when all four of us could talk. This was so valuable and eliminated the couple for us.

I am courious LM, what was it about the phone conversation that made it a no go after everything else seemed to be going good?

BTW,

WE ALWAYS have a phone conversation before we meet a couple or single.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

I am courious LM, what was it about the phone conversation that made it a no go after everything else seemed to be going good?

BTW,

WE ALWAYS have a phone conversation before we meet a couple or single.

We had made arrangements to call at a specific time that was convenient for them. When we called she was just starting to make lunch on the grill. When we arrange a call--especially for such an important first conversation--we believe in giving people our full attention. We were not impressed that they shared us with lunch preparation. Also, the wife said hello, and was off cooking shortly afterward. She didn't show interest in speaking with us. Her husband talked "at" us, not to us. He also said things that didn't set right with us. Overall, he seemed disingenuous.

Mr LM and I sat down and talked about the 20 minute call. We were both trying to be positive, however, we could not ignore all the bad vibes we got from that call. We wrote to the couple two days later saying we felt it wasn't meant to be.

***

In contrast, we spoke to another couple just days later that were so wonderful on the phone. There was no comparison! We talked for over an hour and could have went on longer. We are meeting them this Saturday.

LM

Thanks!!

That is kind of rude to say the least.

[robnbarb]

I agree, rude at the least, at worst disinterested. Glad you shared that LM it was very helpfull (as have so many on this board has been).

[fun_pairTX]

Talk to the people and listen to your gut, it will never steer you wrong. As to talking to others that have met the potential couple, this is cool if you have mutual acquaintences. Watch out for how much the other couple reveals however, this may speak for the degree of discretion for all four.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by robnbarb

Hi, new to the board and the lifestyle.

We were wondering if there was any advice you good folks might be able to give about screening potential playmates? Any questions we should ask or comments that should be made.

Just so you know we fully plan to be upfront and frank with people on ourselves and our wants.

I have seen people on here who actually put together a screening application, we prefer to just meet people and get it over with. You can learn much more about someone in person than can in any other way. I understand why some people like to do the phone call thing, but I've never been a very good phone talker, so it's really hard for me to get a feel for people that way or them of me.

Our MO - email, meet, done.

[Pepper & Drew]

I agree Julie. We don't have to talk on the phone either. We prefer, if we've met someone online, to meet at a social, or meet for drinks, after a few email conversations or IM conversations. We're not going to find out over the phone what we really want to know (whether there's attraction or not). If they're not real, they won't show, and we haven't invested much time.

Our screening tactics have certainly changed over time.

Pepper