Dealing with Racism when selecting couples to interact with.

[justinandtricia]

Ok, so my wife and I were browsing our emails from Swing Lifestyle and received one from an interracial couple that wanted to arrange a meeting. We politely declined for personal reasons. But did not divulge those reasons. So they repeatedly asked why, and after 3 emails of their probing us for our reasons we finally broke down and gave them the reason for our rejecting them.

"Dear <insert screen name here>, we respectfully decline your request for a meeting based on the fact that one of you is of the African persuasion, please note that this decision has no bearings of racism or bigotry. The Mrs. simply does not like black men or women on a sexual caliber. It is a personal preference like not wanting to have sex with people that are overweight, or not liking to hook up with people that are 20 years older than us. We do realize that in these times, this is a touchy subject in our society, but one person can not help what they are and are not attracted to. Thank you for your interest and good luck in your search.

Well needless to say, they decided to pull the racism card on us and make us out to be a couple of ignorant rednecks that hate blacks and are probably KKK members. I mean seriously, what could I have possibly done wrong in my post, or did i do everything right, but this guy was just butthurt that he didnt get a chance to stick his rod in my wifes various holes?

[prometheius]

I would suggest that if that should happen again, take a less confrontational aproach. Just tell them you aren't interested and leave it at that. You aren't required to tell them why you are not interested. An anology might put things in better perspective for you;
When you go to a car lot to look at cars and the salesperson pushes for me to buy something I don't want, I tell them I'm not interested in what they have to offer. Of course they will try hard to persuade me to buy the special of the day, but I've already given reason enough. I don't insult the person by telling them they have bad breath and need a bath. There is nothing to gain by hurting there feelings.
Same thing applies to rejecting someone in the lifestyle. Say no thanks, we're not interested in a kind, polite way and move on...

[SW_PA_Couple]

This is not about race. This is about swingers' Web site etiquette. You made one replay. Neither you nor anyone else would have had a reason to explain further. They set the bait and you went for it.

[cplnuswing]

SW_PA is correct. We don't play the back and forth game. Someone we aren't interested in receives a polite short reply saying we are not interested but wishing them good luck in the lifestyle, and if they question it or want to know why, they just get blocked without further response.

[spvcouple]

I am sorry that you ran into this kind of person/couple. Some people cannot take any kind of rejection well.
We have done as you did. Trying to be vague when telling someone we are not interested. Whether it be for excessive tattoos, piercings (not our thing) or some other reason. Up until now, everyone has accepted it and moved on (though we have been called phonies because we wouldn't drop everything to meet someone).

Chaulk it up to experience and move on. From your explanation of the situation, I think you TRIED to handle it correctly.

[good times]

Yep, it wouldn't have mattered what reason you gave, it would have pissed them off. That is why we never give reasons or explanations. If someone persists in wanting to know why, we usually either ignore them or tell them something like, "Why doesn't matter, the bottom line is we are not interested" and leave it at that.

[JustAskJulie]

You gave them a ton of reason to pull the racism card in your response. The more you explain why something ISN'T something the more people will use that as a reason to say it is "The lady doth protest too much". You'd been best off to not reply to their repeated attempts to get a reason out of you, and if you had to give a reason just left it with "we are not sexually attracted to you" or "we do not feel we are sexually compatible".

[justinandtricia]

I dont know, I mean my first response was that we werent interested for "personal reasons" I know that by just saying "He's Black" would be the worst thing I could have said. But since they persisted to know exactly why(maybe they were new to the whole thing and we made them insecure) i gave them the reason. I just hate the whole subject and that little wild card people like to wave around when they dont get their way. I can guarantee that if a couple was only looking for a black male to play with(which there are plenty of those out there), and all other applicants need not apply, then that black male isnt gonna bitch about them or call them racist because they only like black guys.

[divenaked]

We have stated in our profile that we are not interested in interracial sexual activities.......and yet somehow we get hit often by a mixed race, or african-american couple wanting to play. I usually reply "Obviously, you did not read our profile." We have never had anyone reply to that. We don't have a problem with blacks, our best ever next door neighbors are black. We have cookouts together and have Thanksgiving dinner together.......but we don't want to have sex with them.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by justinandtricia

I dont know, I mean my first response was that we werent interested for "personal reasons" I know that by just saying "He's Black" would be the worst thing I could have said. But since they persisted to know exactly why(maybe they were new to the whole thing and we made them insecure) i gave them the reason.

I would have just left the original reply at something like "After reviewing your profile, we do not feel that we would be compatible. We are flattered by your interest, Thanks"

Its generic enough without having to list the whys....as you have found out, listing something specific only brings a fight (and this is true even on less explosive issues than race). The reply also says 'We took the time to think about/review your profile" (even if you didn't really).

In the future do try to resist from responding. As others have said, you had expressed disinterest...even if it was in such a tantalizing way for them to probe the reason and you were quite obliging in giving them the reason.

[DE_BBC]

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.
What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.
The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by DE_BBC

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.
What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

The reason it has been phrased in this way is because they are excluding playmates on what turns them on/off. The OP did not say they can't stand a particular race in all aspects of life...just that his Mrs. does not find a black guy sexually attractive. Playmates get excluded for all sorts of reasons and to think that race may or may not be one of those criteria (like height, weight, eye color, hair color, etc....things that we do not necessarily get to choose what we ended up with).

When the OP's turned down playmates couldn't just drop that they had been turned down...the best thing the OP could have done was to ignore the repeated pleas for a reason since the reason can be very offensive. He is here for advice on how to respectfully handle a response in case the situation presents itself again. If someone just says "Thanks for your interest, but I do not feel we are compatible" you never know what they are really thinking (regardless of the medium in which it is given, in person or in a message).

If the OP had sent a message to a white couple and said "Sorry...my wife only likes black (hispanic/asian/etc) playmates" would you be just as offended on behalf of the racially excluded white playmate?

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by DE_BBC

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.
What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.
The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

My penis is a racist. You are telling me what my penis should want to put itself into which is fascist

So you can be offended, but its a choice. I do find black women generally unattractive, but I find being fat even more unattractive, so if I had a choice between the two I'd pick a black woman. Does this make one a choice and the other racism?

Added some people border on the fetish for different races. If someone mails you because they want 'bbc' do you complain because its racist or is THAT one a choice?

[justinandtricia]

Well, I already decided to just ignore people that dont accept my original generic response to reject people, I was just wondering what everyone elses take on the situation was. I mean I was as honest with them as I could possibly be, which is what they wanted. But i guess Jack Nicholson was right in that movie when he told Tom Cruise "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

[exploringRM]

Originally Posted by DE_BBC

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.
What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.
The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

Attraction is what it is...age, race, height, weight. We all are here to make a choice in who we choose to play with. If a person of another race decided they were not attracted to me due to my race I would not feel offended. Now if they excluded me from an event/club/party etc, then yeah that's a different story.