Moving at the speed of molasses - from chat to meeting in person

[SexyRedmondCpl]

Hey all,

We started to get a fair bit of contact on Swing Lifestyle lately (seems like people play more in the summer). The issue we've been running into is not ever being able to get everyone involved onto the same page with regards to timeline. I'm not finding a clear way of saying this, so I'll try a recent example...

We were contacted by a couple that we found attractive, so we suggested that we meet for coffee or drinks to check out chemistry. They felt they'd rather chat a bit over IM first. Okay, fine - although, we've been going through a lot of so-called "endless chats" of late, so we were a bit hesitant to even bother. And, on a side note, what is it with people who initiate contact and can't pull the trigger on even a vanilla meetup? We sent a few messages back and forth, but their connection kept dropping so we went about our lives for the next few days. We'd occasionally get Swing Lifestyle emails saying things like "good morning," and "U on?" Not much to really respond to as far as we're concerned, but we'd say hello and just maintain a bit of contact. So today we get an email asking why we weren't interested in meeting anymore. So, when we wanted to meet, you wanted to chat. But now it's meeting time? So we proposed a meeting (again, vanilla) - and now they want to chat more first?

Since this has started to become a pattern, we're really starting to doubt the value of trying to hook-up online. Are we just expecting too much by asking people to meet before chatting for ages (or, for that matter, meet at all)?

[DE_BBC]

I know what you mean. it seems to me like if/when you find someone online...you exchange emails/phone #'s maybe IM a few times ....then you set up a meet.
It's not rocket science...I find this same problem a lot, everyone wants to exchange endless emails, but when it comes time to meet....so many flake out and/or vanish...which is the main downside of meeting folks online.

[exploringRM]

We typically sign up for local events, M&Gs or Clubs and then see who is also signed up. From there we might email couple(s) who we would like to meet. If it's a M&G we'll go with meeting multiple people, but at a club just a single contact.

We've also been contacted in a smilar matter and have not had an issue with meeting people that way.

[lardub]

We have also found this is the case it seems as though everyone is on house arrest and can't leave. The Mrs likes to chat online but I personally find it tedious and boring even with a webcam as I'm not the most chatty cathy on the web or for that matter in person until I feel comfortable.
But endless e-mails, IM chatting etc is not what floats my boat, I don't fully understand it when they make first contact, the best is when they are at the other end of the continent or over in England..

[Ed & Bunny]

We are looking at giving up the web for meeting people as we see alot of the same problems. We are tired of not getting answers to our emails and poor luck at meeting anyone. At this point we have no intention of changing our free status to paid as it just doesnt seem worth the money .We currently have a couple that trying to get a vanilla meet has been going on with for over a month now. We are starting to lose complete intrest in even meeting them at this point. From our readings here we are going to try the group events and meet-n-greets. In fact we just signed up and paid for an event comming in two weeks at a hotel. At least this way we are gauranteed to meet people face to face.

[JustAskJulie]

Our policy is that we dont' do the online chat and we state that upfront. If you are serious, let's meet. We can get a better idea of if there is chemistry if we meet fact to face (and so can you), so why waste a bunch of time chatting online only to meet and waste more?

At the same time, we rarely do one on one meets. We typically do group meets or as someone else above said, check the lists for M&Gs or socials and contact those that look interesting.

[sweet_tna]

I hear you, SexyRedmondCpl! We tend to have better luck at parties or Meet & Greets, too. I actually like to chat, but when it goes nowhere fast, I lose patience with it.

We have as busy as schedule as anyone else we know. But if you contact us and can't even set a tentative date to get together (even if it's a month out), then what else do we have to talk about?

=)

[LFM2]

We don't do chats, either. We feel we have enough chatty friends. We solely rely on the internet for meeting with people. There isn't a club around here for 400 miles. We do like M&G's and some house parties (they're pretty few and far between anymore), and you can always invite them there. If they're a no show, you can still have a great time.

It says somewhere in our profile that we don't do endless chats. We can exchange an email or two and then meet when we can all find the time to meet up. This has worked for us and there hasn't been a couple that we've found that just wants the comfort of talking at home. I'm sure you're frustrated.

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd give them a deadline. Poop or get off the pot, so to speak. "Let's meet on such and such date, or we feel we need to move on". I know that sounds rather blunt, but I wouldn't hesitate saying that, either.

I am woman, hear me roar!

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

{snip}if you contact us and can't even set a tentative date to get together (even if it's a month out), then what else do we have to talk about?

=)

Well put!

[LikeMinds321]

We don't do IM chatting. I don't connect well with others when shooting short sentences back and forth. I'd much prefer to send one or two meaty e-mails to people and get a couple in return. If done correctly, a couple e-mail exchanges are all that is necessary to decide if you want to meet. Couples who are serious about meeting will then be ready to schedule a date. At least that's what we've learned.

This couple may not know how to interpret the IM's you've sent, or, this couple may not be in agreement on meeting you (e.g., he wants to, she doesn't).

If you've found a pattern in the lack of people wanting to meet you, maybe changing your approach would help. My suggestion would be to eliminate IM Chat.

Best of luck!

LM

[twoforone100]

We do perfer to chat some first.. emails the delay and lack of a quick responce... we hate the phone. We do like to meet one on one. We do sometimes like to meet at clubs but lately the clubs here have been on a bit of a down turn....

every couple is different. what works for one won't work for another.. and yes with in a month if you can't set a date..why bother....we do decide who we will meet by how they chat... one chat people can lie... three or four over several days or a week.. well they trip themselves up... we feel this saves our time... chatting while watching tv is not that much of a waste of time to us.... heading out to "meet" someone we might or might not like can be a waste.. or wonderful... we perfer to stack the odds.

[NCfuncouple98]

We have found trying to setup meetings after chatting on-line to be very slow-moving. We have a tough schedule, and just never can seem to line it up with others.

Have not found any groups on Swing Lifestyle in our area for M&G, so we just go to the local on-premise club when we can. Even if we don't meet anyone that way, at least we aren't going through all the work of emails back and forth that end up nowhere!

[SexyRedmondCpl]

Hey all,

Thanks so much for the responses. It's both reassuring and a bit sad to hear that this seems to be so much a common occurrence. I, personally, have always hated IM. We only do it because so many people seem to insist on it.

The funny thing about technology is that the more connected we get, the more disconnected I seem to feel. I can't imagine having endless snail-mail or phone conversations. I think it might be time to take the advice you all are giving and cut the IM cord.

Cheers,
~Mike

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by SexyRedmondCpl

The funny thing about technology is that the more connected we get, the more disconnected I seem to feel. I can't imagine having endless snail-mail or phone conversations. I think it might be time to take the advice you all are giving and cut the IM cord.

Cheers,
~Mike

My "job" is a systems manager of a particular system. Ain't no different. 50 emails on the same conversation - and no one will just pick up the damn phone and talk about it! It's so much easier to throw together a few words in an email! I have many times literally typed "Stop the insanity, no more emails until we discuss in person".

This scenario is no different. For some it is easier to hide behind a computer screen and anonymity, and type and chat all day long. But to actually have a human conversation, phone or in person? Can be a stretch for some. We prefer to avoid those.

Mr and Mrs NC

[cplnuswing]

Pretty quick we got to where we got frustrated with the whole online thing, and prefer to use our limited opportunities on M&Gs and clubs since we know we likely will have a good time regardless.

But, having said that, if we do get an online contact that seems promising, we suggest a brief chat before setting up a meet. Not an absolute requirement, but we have had contacts we were interested in that after the chat we no longer were, so we figure it's a time saver in the end for everyone instead of sitting through an awkward meet.

Based on a small sample since we don't do much of the online stuff to start with, there does seem to be an upswing in the impossible to schedule meets. It's not like we have every weekend free either, but c'mon, you want to meet or you don't. A month is plenty of time.

I wonder if the chat/email forever, impossible to schedule people really want it to go further? Just because we are interested enough to meet in person certainly doesn't mean we will be willing to hook up, in fact, the majority of times we won't be, but if we think they are someone we might enjoy meet in person regardless, we'll meet.

Maybe what we are seeing is an upswing in people for whom actual face to face meeting is more toe than they want to dip in?