Attached

[red96]

We recently made a connection with a gentleman from AFF. After exchanging a few e-mails we chatted a couple of times and got along well enough to set up a meeting at a public place, to see if there would be any chemistry. As we are discussing a time and place to meet, he says "There is something I should tell you". He has a GF that is in the dark about his swinging activities. We questioned him at length to find out how serious the relationship is, they are not engaged but she spends most of her free time at his place.
I (male half) see it as a red flag but my Mrs. disagrees. She feels as long as it is not a serious relationship then it should not be a problem. We went ahead with the meeting and all got along great.
In your opinions could this be considered cheating on his part if we were to set up a play date? If he were a married man doing this we would not even consider it. It is not often that we find a "single male" as considerate as he is and the Mrs. is interested in taking the plunge so to speak.
She and I have discussed the potential problems but I wanted to get some outside opinions.

[bbarnsworth]

Depends on how much you wish to value relationships other than your own. For our parts, we value other relationships in the sense of respecting them as much as we value ours. If the woman in question spends most of her free time at his place, it seems like at least she considers it to be pretty serious.

My wife and I have been in contact with a rather nice gentleman, much like your situation. After a few months of back and forth, and difficulty in finding the right spot in a calendar he tells us that he has been dating someone, but it is not serious yet. EVERYthing we've heard from him has been upfront and honest, and we've taken him at his word. If the relationship isn't serious, we're willing to play. But, if it gets serious we do not want to be involved.

I guess in your situation we wouldn't play.

[N8ture Girl]

We wouldnt play with the guy in this situation. To me it doesnt matter what level a relationship is with the other guy and his girlfriend , its still a relationship of some kind. Since you really dont know how she feels about their relationship I would avoid it. Ask your wife to think about it from the girlfriends point of veiw. The boy friend appears to be hiding it from her, there must be a reason...probably cause she wont approve or wont undestand which equals a break-up and a broken heart if she finds out.

Nope, to me its cheating...and your asking for potential drama if you go down that road.
Thats my two cents.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Consider how you will feel if the girlfriend gains the knowledge that he is boffing you and goes out hunting for you with a loaded pistol. People sometimes act irrationally when given a surprise.

[twoforone100]

Agreed...how pissed could she get.... how pissed would you or your wife be....???????

[truckerbuddy]

WOW.. i mite get shit for this ... but .... if it is ok for him to do this.. is it ok for one of you to do the same thing???? what would you do if you found out that one of you did this same thing behind the others back??? is it still ok ?? only you can beside that..

now for me ?? i would tell him to go home and talk it over with his gal .. but that's just me

[red96]

Thank you all for the replies, all were valid points. We seek single men for MFM fun, and he volunteered the the information about his GF. His honesty was one of the things that made him stand out. It got me to thinking, how many single men are in the same situation but do not mention the fact? We never really thought to ask either,,,,,,,, part of the learning process I suppose. Should it be a don't ask don't tell kind of thing?

We have decided to pass on this one because we do value their relationship as much as our own and it does seem to be more of a serious relationship. Neither of us want to cause anyone any drama anymore than we want them to cause us drama. Neither of us would cheat on the other and do not want to play with anyone that would do that to their SO. This was intended as more of a confirmation of what I already felt and a way to convey that to my Mrs. We discussed it before setting up the meeting but she never really looked at the situation through the eyes of the GF.

[YZF]

If Mrs. YZF and I want a third person it has to be someone we played with before. We know that they are single and if they are not single, their partner has to know.

[IvoryTowers]

Just because he's honest with you doesn't mean this isn't a shitty thing to do. He's hiding this from his girlfriend, which means he knows it would hurt her if she found out.

So if you go ahead and play with him, you are hurting someone who hasn't done anything to you and helping someone lie to a person he claims to care about.

Is that really worth a play session?

[red96]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowers

Just because he's honest with you doesn't mean this isn't a shitty thing to do. He's hiding this from his girlfriend, which means he knows it would hurt her if she found out.

So if you go ahead and play with him, you are hurting someone who hasn't done anything to you and helping someone lie to a person he claims to care about.

Is that really worth a play session?

No Need for hostilities WE ARE DONE WITH THIS GUY
You are correct it would be a shitty thing to do and we are not like that.

Finding a respectful "Gentleman" on line is difficult at best but that is our preference. We were not asking anyone to JUDGE us we were asking for advice to a question we already knew the answer to in our hearts.

I am sorry that I even posed the question and in the future will go with my gut feel instead.

[JustMrJ]

We have a single male we play with from time to time and ALL of his girlfriends know he is in the LifeStyle.

Hiding something like that from your significant other is asking for trouble. Playing with a person that does that is also asking for trouble.

Glad to see you broke it off red96!

[IvoryTowers]

Red, I'm sorry you misread my tone. I didn't mean it as hostile. I was just presenting my view of the issue. I apologize for unintended tone.

[red96]

Ivorytowers .......Maybe I was being a little too sensitive, apology accepted. We had already decided to move on anyway. There are plenty of single men out there looking and it is a PITA sorting through all the BS to find a "gem". We thought we had found one in him until the mention of his GF.

On a side note he said they have discussed entering the Lifestyle together but she is reluctant to do so. In the future anyone we find that is sneaking around on their SO will be taboo for us immediately.

Thanks to all and I apologize for the tone of my previous message.

[bbarnsworth]

I think there's a distinction to be made here.

Serious vs. non-serious. It's important.

If a person is dating someone, and it's understood that they aren't committed to each other and are open to dating other people, I think informing the person you are a swinger and are actively swinging is no different than informing them you are dating other people. Fact; you're not committed to them; it's not serious. What level of disclosure of EVERYthing in your life is appropriate when you are casually dating someone?

In this particular case, where the girlfriend is spending most of her free time with him, it's pretty obvious she considers it serious.

But in the abstract...if two people are casually dating and not committed to each other, and there's an expectation they are dating other people, I don't see any compelling reason that swinging has to be mentioned.

The last time I dated was when I met my now wife. I had a date with her, but also had two other women I was seeing at the time. I was committed to none of them. After the first date with my wife, I told her that I was dating two other people and it would not be fair to them to not keep my already planned dates with them. She understood that. It wasn't until the third date that I committed to her, and her alone. If I had been a swinger at the time, I would have informed her of that on the third date. I would have told her I was suspending any swinging activities permanently until she agreed to it, but that it was fine if she never agreed to it.

[absingleman]

A general note on singles, dating, and swinging.

If one person considers the relationship serious then it is serious...to that person. If he or she is swinging and the other person doesn't know about it before hand and finds out later, then in his or her mind that first person has cheated on him/her and will probably leave the first person.

Of course, if the first person doesn't consider the relationship serious, he/she does not actually care if they break up because he/she had sex with someone else and wouldn't really care if the second person had sex with someone, so the first person doesn't consider swinging any of the second person's business yet.

Always ask the single you are approaching if they are in a relationship and if they consider the relationship something they want to keep or if it is just two people enjoying each other's company. Many dating relationships, especially among older singles, are mostly two people enjoying each other's company without any real commitment to monogamy. I actually had a "girlfriend" ask me if she was the only woman I was sleeping with and when I said there was one other but it had been months since we fooled around. She then asked if I would be interested in going out with her newly divorced friend since she was really...stressed out and my girlfriend would be visiting family out of state for a month. Of course, I misread her openmindedness and when I brought up the fact that I was once involved in swinging she freaked and didn't talk to me for three months. She was very homophobic so participating with other women offended her. Oddly enough, she liked watching other people have sex if she was actually there but hated porn. Wierd woman. I ought to call her and see what she is doing this weekend. LOL.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. She saw our relationship strictly as friends with benefits, as I did, so she had no objections to my swinging. She just didn't want to be involved with it.

There are so many levels of relationships with singles, especially older singles like me, that you really have to talk to find out if swinging will cross a line.

Just my opinion.