The price of being too nice?

[graygo98]

A bit of background. We are incredibly busy and only have about one or two weekends a month for swinging. Less for meeting new people given the folks we already try to keep in touch with. We do meet some new people on AFF and sometimes go to a local club that we enjoy.

A while back a couple wrote us on AFF and invited us to a house party. They aslo mentioned that they sometimes went to the same club we do. They weren't a good fit for a few reasons: they lived a ways away, which makes it harder to schedule getting together; they weren't really attractive to us; and their preference seemed to be house parties, which we only like if we know the people that are going. Instead of saying "we aren't interested", period, we thought we would be polite and just say that house parties with strangers aren't our thing but we would love to have a drink with them if we ever saw them at the club.

They have written us several times since then, asking us to go to a house party. The most recent time we said, "No, its outside our comfort zone. And, we don't think that we are a good fit for you. You are interested in different things than we are. Enjoy your party"

Their reply:

Hi there ..and we will enjoy the party...just want to make sure we have things clear..ur saying that our approach to the lifestyle is different? Hmm so a house party where there is no pressure and fun and laughs with all attractive people with taste and etiquette are not ur thing whereas you have told us a few times u were going to M4 where all the sudden that is all class and fun? Not quite sure what you are getting at but yes ur right..u would not be a fit for us since it seems that you have ur noses in a place where we wouldn't be on the same level at all..we are both college educated and for some reason u seem to think our level of class and intelligence is sub par? Pretty funny..and please do not take this email as a "we are sorely spurned" not in the least but just good to know on this site as lame as it is you are able to weed out people who say they are something when they really aren't..good luck with that.

They sounded really pissed. The moral to this? Be polite, clear and direct up front. If you don't think you are a fit, say so.

Or, do you think they were right to be pissed? Say your piece, you won't offend.

[JustAskJulie]

The moral is perfect, but reading the story I have to say that it reminds me of a similar email exchange that we have had with a couple we WERE interested in. Perhaps the story is the same and we were just on the opposite side.

In our situation, we prefer to meet other couples at parties or clubs (or in some sort of group setting), and we told this couple that. Evidently their view of swinger parties (socials) and clubs was that they are nothing but big orgies, and responded back that they were not into the "group" thing. At least that was how we took it at the time and responded that we just enjoyed going and dancing and if they didn't like doing that (as they said they did in their profile) then we probably weren't a good match. They replied that they do love going "clubbing" and are VIP members of several clubs inthe area (funny since there aren't hardly any dance clubs in the area). Thinking back it might just be that they prefer to meet one on one.

Many miscommunications happen online and the best thing you can do is just be honest and upfront. If you aren't interested then say so.

Another thing that both your story and ours brings up is that different people view things differently. I don't know how many times I've heard people describe scenarios that they've never truely experienced as if they know what to expect. Especially when it comes to swinger environments... many people assume that just because it's a "swinger" party / social/ club that it's an instant orgy the second you walk in the door, or that you have to be willing to play with anyone/ everyone. SO they shy away from any type of "group" swinger environment, thinking they only way they can have a simple couple on couple swap is to meet one on one.

[twoforone100]

Were they right to be pissed? Hummm that's for them to decide.

Did you send mixed signals? yes

Should you be direct up front? Yes

Should they have written you that email? no






You can't change the past...only learn from it. Lesson learned.

[graygo98]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Another thing that both your story and ours brings up is that different people view things differently.

Yes, there are preconceptions... we have 'em for sure. One is that at a private house party there is going to be an assumption that you are going to play. If we know the people and are interested in at least some of them, then that's fine. But to go to a house party where we don't know anyone assuming (rightly or wrongly) that that's the expectation, is just outside our comfort zone. Plus, if we don't like anyone there, a potential waste of one of our rare "out" nights if that doesn't sound too cold.

As the people that wrote us said, "what's wrong with a bunch of polite no-pressure adults getting together for a party?" Well, nothing. Except its outside of our current comfort zone and so we aren't interested. Which for us is always a deal-breaker. That will never change, even though our comfort zone has a way of expanding!

And, we agree about a club. Its the best place for a first meet. If you only go out once every month or so, then you don't want to waste it. At a club, even if there is no click with the other couple you can still have a great night out.

[PB&J]

I think that what it boils down to is that some people in the lifestyle are too quick to take offence at what they think are slights directed at them, and at the same time not hesitate to tell others that their approach is just plain WRONG. Which seems to have happened here. They've told you that there's something wrong with you because you DON'T like house parties, whereas you didn't tell them that they were wrong to like said parties. We have yet to be treated to a nasty email like your example, but I did get flamed on another site when I mentioned that couples often play separately at house parties.

I think that it was perfectly polite to say you wouldn't mind having a drink with them. You didn't commit to anything. But yeah, probably best just to say thanks but no thanks right off the bat. There's a few just-chatting-no-meet-yet couples on our msn that I know we're never going to click with, but it's hard to just drop 'em once you've started a dialogue.

[BiloxiCouple]

Communication is the key.

For example

[good times]

Originally Posted by graygo98

"No, its outside our comfort zone. And, we don't think that we are a good fit for you. You are interested in different things than we are. Enjoy your party"

I have to say that their email back to you was out of line, in my opinion.

On the other hand, based on the part of your response in the quote above, I can understand why they got pissed.

It looks to me like you broke the first rule of turning someone down, you gave them reasons. So yea, I think you should have just politely turned them down, but you should never tell them why. Why you turned them down doesn't make any difference, and telling them can only generate bad feelings or piss them off. I realize that a lot of times people think they want to know why someone turns them down, but knowing why will not change anything, and it will never make one feel better about being turned down, no matter what the reason.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by graygo98

They have written us several times since then, asking us to go to a house party. The most recent time we said, "No, its outside our comfort zone. And, we don't think that we are a good fit for you. You are interested in different things than we are. Enjoy your party"

They sounded really pissed. The moral to this? Be polite, clear and direct up front. If you don't think you are a fit, say so.

Or, do you think they were right to be pissed? Say your piece, you won't offend.

Your moral to the story is valid.

Do they have a right to be pissed? No not pissed, but just to play a little Devil's advocate here, I do think they have some cause to be a little frustrated and maybe even feel a little jerked around.

You have already learned your lesson here so I don't mean to rub any salt into your wounds but let's look at things through a different angle here.

You were not attracted to them nor were you interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with them but yet on multiple occasions you lead them to believe that you might be interested in meeting THEM but that you weren't interested in HOUSEPARTIES. Therefor it was reasonable for them to beleive that you weren't rejecting them per se but were instead rejecting the houseparty.

On the surface that may seem like an easy let down since you weren't rejecting them personally, but in the long run it didn't work. Frankly, I'm suprised that they continued pursuing the houseparty angle and didn't try to switch things up and ask if you wanted to meet privately instead. If that had happened then what would your story have been?

Putting myself in their position, if we had asked some body to meet us at a party and had received the exact quote that you stated above I would have interpreted it as saying, " We think people that go to houseparties are degenerates and we have nothing in common with those kinds of people. Have a nice life and don't let the door hit you in the ass."


I think they reacted (overreacted yes and reacted inappropriately to be sure) to two things. Once is there frustration level at feeling strung along boiled over and when people's frustration boils over they can say dumb things that even they may regret later on.

And they may have felt that they needed to defend their honor a little bit. Even the way you are wording things in this thread indicates that you have a negative view of houseparties and depending on how you were wording your email exchanges they may have gotten to the point where they felt they were being put down and looked down upon for attending houseparties.

They do have a valid point in that house parties are often a perfectly safe and comfortable place for classy and educated and perfectly respectable people go to relax and interact with others in a no-pressure and personable environment.

They have been to this party before and know what it is really like and they probably felt they were being negatively judged by people that have not ever been there before and they reacted negatively.

Their response to you was inappropriate and out of line. However when people feel like they are being strung along and then disrespected and looked down on, they will often react inappropriately.

[graygo98]

Well, IAPR, I'll take some of that salt. You, Good Times and others are right. I should have been a lot clearer right up front.

I think that you have misread the OP, though. Or that you have misinterpreted it. Or..... you have a pretty thin skin when it comes to house parties!

I didn't say, nor do I think I implied, that people that go to house parties are creatures from the slime lagoon. I said we don't go to house parties where we don't know anybody. Its outside our comfort zone. Hell, as I told them at one point, we wouldn't go to a vanilla party if we didn't know anyone. Right or wrong, that's how we are. Guess we just aren't that social. House parties where we know at least one couple are a totally different thing.... we really enjoy them.

Clubs are also entirely different. Just like we often go to a vanilla dance club by ourselves we go to swinger clubs solo also. Its not that we think the people there are superior to the people that go to houseparties as our "friends" implied. Once again, its just something that feels right to us.

[JustAskJulie]

Graygo,

I totally get where you are coming from on the house parties, and we are pretty much the same way. We have nothing against house parties... just don't feel comfortable going to one if we don't know someone else who is going (or the hosts). There has been one or two that we found out about after the fact that we would have happily gone to.... but many others that we've shied away from because we neither knew the hosts nor had any way of knowing if we'd know anyone else there. I just don't feel comfortable showing up at someone else's house that I don't know... unless I've at least been "invited" by someone that I do know.

We feel the same way about socials / clubs. They are more NEUTRAL GROUND and everyone is basically on the same level. While some folks may know some other folks, it's not at someone's house. It's kind of like preferring to play at a hotel vs anyone's house. Or wanting to feel comfortable with a couple before you invite them to your own house (or go to theirs).

Had this couple been a couple you were really interested in meeting it might have been a different story/ ending. You would have been more likely to respond, we'd feel more comfortable going if we'd met you elsewhere first. And then you might have actually done so. But, since you weren't really interested in them, your only option (in your mind) was to meet them in a group environment. Unfortunately, your choice for a group environment and theirs were clashing.

[good times]

Just to be clear, I too dislike house parties. We have actually been to a half a dozen of them or so and just don't care for them. We much prefer clubs.

That being the case we would still never tell someone that we won't meet them at a house party because we don't care for them, nor would we give them any other reason. We would have just said "no thanks" and left it at that.