Is she bi or bi curious?

NednWendy · 02-16-2009, 08:14 PM

One last profile question and then I'll stop I promise. We are trying to decide how to list my wife's sexual orientation. Our only options are straight, bisexual and bicurious. We have had a couple experiences and without any coaxing from the guys she touched, made out and gave and recieved oral sex to orgasm with a couple different women. She enjoyed it and was attracted to the women and did not have any problems with it the next day.
I consider that bisexual since she was attracted to them, did everything spontaneously without prompting, enjoyed the encounters and didn't have any regrets afterwards. I think we should check her as bisexual on our profile.
She doesn't think she should be bisexual since she is not out looking for women all the time and is afraid if she is listed as bisexual that women will expect her to have sex with them and she is only interested in being with women that she is attacted to and is comfortable being physical with. She is afraid people will think she is being deceptive in being listed as bi if she won't have sex with them.
I say it's no different than being listed as straight and turning down men that she is not attracted to. After all if you aren't attracted to someone of the opposite sex it doesn't mean you aren't heterosexual right? My thoughts are if you have done it, enjoyed it and don't have any regrets over it, it ain't curious any more. Which way should we go?

N8ture Girl · 02-16-2009, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NednWendy

We have had a couple experiences and without any coaxing from the guys she touched, made out and gave and recieved oral sex to orgasm with a couple different women. She enjoyed it and was attracted to the women and did not have any problems with it the next day.
I consider that bisexual since she was attracted to them, did everything spontaneously without prompting, enjoyed the encounters and didn't have any regrets afterwards. I think we should check her as bisexual on our profile.
She doesn't think she should be bisexual since she is not out looking for women all the time and is afraid if she is listed as bisexual that women will expect her to have sex with them and she is only interested in being with women that she is attacted to and is comfortable being physical with. She is afraid people will think she is being deceptive in being listed as bi if she won't have sex with them.

If it were me, I would list her as bisexual, and clearly state it in your profile that she will play with the right female. Or something to that effect. She isnt considered curious anymore.

I am listed as bi-curious and I talk about that in further detail in our profile as far as what I am looking for. While I prefer men, I will/would play with the right female.

**fun4Ds** · 02-16-2009, 09:24 PM

Tell Wendy to look at the options and make her choice according to how she really feels.

Then accept and support her decision.

**SW_PA_Couple** · 02-16-2009, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NednWendy

One last profile question and then I'll stop I promise.

You should ask all of the questions you feel like asking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NednWendy

Which way should we go?

Wendy will know. Anyway, it's changable. Some day the curiosity might be satisfied. Then she can declare with complete confidence.

twoforone100 · 02-16-2009, 10:51 PM

We have found most chose bicurious for this.. but it is up to you and to her...and you can always explain it in your profile... But even if she lists as straight it does not mean she will sleep with every guy does it? Just like bisexual does not mean she would sleep with every woman

The Fuse · 02-16-2009, 11:01 PM

twoforone100 has said it very well here, especially the part about how you can explain in your profile.

The label "bicurious" kind of sucks. But if she doesn't consider herself bisexual, she won't be comfortable with the label. I don't sleep with every man, nor with every woman. But I sleep with way fewer women than men, am less attracted to them in general, and consider it the exception rather than the rule. So I use "bicurious", and explain it in our profile.

2inSanDiego4u · 02-17-2009, 12:14 AM

I've seen some profiles list "bi-curious" or "bisexual" then state in the profile that she is "bi-situational, meaning depending on the chemistry with the other female". This is something you might want to consider.

realcplub2 · 02-17-2009, 09:27 AM

Why worry about the "labels"

Lets face it, What real difference does it make? By choosing the label route, you unfortunately have people that yes, look specifically at "what" you are rather than WHO you are..

There are plenty of people that, when it the profile, list themselves as str8, and when the clothes come off, find that they are much more bi comfortable.

Her explaination is completely normal, plenty of people are mentally aware of the "labels" that one statement can hang around thier necks.

So, when filling out profiles, be much more concerend with providing the clear info, about who you are and what you want rather than WHAT you may be. We have heard from a number of people that when we write a profile, reading is a requirement

MrkLin · 02-17-2009, 02:40 PM

As Lin and I are both straight, I can only comment on this thread from the angle of someone reading your profile. That being said, we find it a bit curious ourselves that some women seem to be 'bi-curious' for several years. As someone else eluded to on this thread, hasn't their curiosity been satisfied yet?

We have several friends who list themselves as bi-curious because they don't want to give the impression that they just out looking for women. One couple lists her as bi, then explains in the profile that she's "bi-situational," as has been mentioned before. While her primary focus in the lifestyle is looking for men, she'd gladly welcome a play session with a lady she's attracted to and 'clicks' with.

Having said all of that, however, I agree totally with fun4Ds - let Wendy decide how she wants to be listed, then back her 100%. If she feels the need to explain, let her do so in the body of the profile.

CXXC · 02-17-2009, 03:39 PM

Our take on the Bi, Bi-curious and Straight question is this:
If you are straight, play only with the opposite sex and have no interest in the same sex, You are STRAIGHT!
If you are Bi-curious, play with the same sex 2-3 times, decide it is not for you, you are Straight. However, if you play with the same sex 2-3 times, enjoy it for your own personal reasons and not just to please others, you are no longer curious. The curious portion of the label should be removed.
HOWEVER!!!
If you are into the opposite sex more and only enjoy the same sex as an appetizer (so to speak) then you are Bi-comfy or Bi-tolerant.
If you are equally attracted to both sexes, you are simply Bi. The best way to find out if you are truly Bi would be to have an experience with the same sex and no interaction with the opposite sex in that event. If you walk away feeling satisfied...Well, you are most assuredly Bi.
Perhaps the owners of the swingers sites could add the options for Bi-comfy or Bi-situational and even Bi-tolerant. A few other options could not hurt. It would also save on the profile size. HA HA HA! Like our profile is short! HA HA HA!

Again, this is just our .02

***JustAskJulie*** · 02-17-2009, 04:38 PM

I definitely don't think the site owners should add more options, but I do think CXXC is onto something with their definitions.

In an ideal swinging world, it would be understood that just because a woman is listed as bisexual does not mean she wants to have sex with every female out there, any more than she wants to have sex with every male out there.

Unfortunately, there are many bi-furious women out there who seem to believe that "I'm bi" means "I will do you".

I don't think that we (as women) should have to justify ourselves by going into detail in our profile that we are bi but picky... we should all be picky! (Can you tell this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine?).

It seems like it has become a trend for bi women to put bi-curious instead of bi-sexual for this very reason and I don't think they should have to. As a truely bi female I'm not as likely to contact a couple where the female is listed as curious because I don't want to push a female who isn't sure (and too often the ones listed as curious are listed such at their husband's request). On the same token, I don't assume that just because a female is listed as bisexual that there will be f/f play if we all get together.

So to answer your question on what she should put. If she is interested in women and comfortable playing with them (when she is interested in them) IMO she should list herself as bi, understanding that just as there will be couples you will turn down because she's not attracted to the guy, there will be situations she will turn down because she doesn't want to play with the female.

CXXC · 02-17-2009, 04:59 PM

Assumptions are a flaw in the Lifestyle. No one in the Lifestyle has a right or reason to expect ANYONE to engage in sexual congress with them. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with expectation.
Mrs. CXXC defines herself as slightly Bi-sexual. Her attractions to other women is quite apparent. however, just as she will not have sex with EVERY man she meets, she will be as equally discriminating with women.
How many people in the lifestyle truly believe that they are so outstanding that NO ONE would dare turn them down? As beautiful and sexy as I find Mrs. CXXC (I think she is amazing in all categories) I know that there are men and women out there who do not find her appealing. (Silly people)
No matter how you list yourself, Bi, Bi-Curious, or Straight, you are the only one who can accept an invitation to play. Sexual preference is not an issue.

NCfuncouple98 · 02-17-2009, 10:01 PM

I agree with Julie on this.

Here's how I see it:

Straight: No interest or curiousity whatsover in women.

Bicurious: Has some fantasies or interest, but not yet sure if that means she'll like it.

Bisexual: Sexually attracted to, and wants to play with, women. This does not mean only women.

Listing yourself as bi-sexual, and being worried that that's deceptive to other women, is no different than being straight and not being sexually attracted to every man on the planet. It's not even bi-picky. If the attraction it's there, and if it's not, it's not.

IMO, if she has enjoyed more than one encounter with another female, both giving and receiving, and has the desire to continue in that activity, she should not be ashamed or concerned whatsoever with listing herself as bisexual.

Mrs. NC

The Fuse · 02-18-2009, 04:43 AM

I respectfully disagree.

I am still uncomfortable listing myself as bisexual, even though I have been attracted to and enjoyed sex with some women.

Why? Because the intensity and frequency of my attraction for women is minuscule compared to what I feel for men. And even when I enjoy it, it just doesn't rise to the experience of being with a man for me. Not even close, almost without exception.

Calling me bisexual would be sort of like buying a lottery ticket and then saying, "I might win money in the lottery or I might not", as if the chances were anywhere near even. While technically true, the chances are so small that to consider it a real possibility is leading myself on. I don't buy the argument that says "if you've ever enjoyed same-sex activity, you are a bisexual". That just seems like reaching to me. Bisexuality is not an "on-off", "you is or you ain't" thing. It is a continuum. That is why Kinsey made his scale.

(There is also a huge double standard between women and men. There is a lot of pressure to be bisexual in swinging if you are female, while it is discouraged for men.)

Although the label "bi-curious" doesn't fit me either, I just don't feel like I am "bisexual" enough to claim the label. My drive is toward men, with the occasional outlier. Truth be told, it is not how I identify myself, meaning it's not how I feel down deep inside.

Plus, let's be honest... if you see a woman listed as bisexual you expect her interest in women to be a non-trivial factor in their swinging. I'd feel like I was lying or just trying to fit in. If you see them listed as "bi-curious", especially after being around for some time, you might reasonably think, "Well she shouldn't be curious anymore". But you might investigate further if you are interested. Our profile explains my orientation. I would rather list myself as bi-curious and explain myself, than list myself as bisexual and then have to explain myself to someone who expects me to like women more than I do.

So I stick with "bi-curious", which is a sucky label, and IMO on Swing Lifestyle has come to mean "somewhere between straight and bisexual enough that it's a real factor". I don't like it, because no, I am not curious anymore, but it's the best they've got.

Maybe sometime I will change my mind. When I do, I'll change the label.

CXXC · 02-18-2009, 02:50 PM

Ms. Fuse
I have to agree with you in that just because you have been with women, and enjoyed it, does not make you Bi. However, you are again, no longer Bi-curious as you know that you enjoy it. This is the issue with having only two choices in the area.
Also, one other issue that comes up with listing yourself as Bi-curious, the women who are actually Bi will be more inclined to help you "Answer" that "Question" thereby placing you, sometimes, in an uncomfortable position.

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02-16-2009, 08:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
NednWendy Has Left the Building Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 28 Location: United States Status: couple	Is she bi or bi curious? One last profile question and then I'll stop I promise. We are trying to decide how to list my wife's sexual orientation. Our only options are straight, bisexual and bicurious. We have had a couple experiences and without any coaxing from the guys she touched, made out and gave and recieved oral sex to orgasm with a couple different women. She enjoyed it and was attracted to the women and did not have any problems with it the next day. I consider that bisexual since she was attracted to them, did everything spontaneously without prompting, enjoyed the encounters and didn't have any regrets afterwards. I think we should check her as bisexual on our profile. She doesn't think she should be bisexual since she is not out looking for women all the time and is afraid if she is listed as bisexual that women will expect her to have sex with them and she is only interested in being with women that she is attacted to and is comfortable being physical with. She is afraid people will think she is being deceptive in being listed as bi if she won't have sex with them. I say it's no different than being listed as straight and turning down men that she is not attracted to. After all if you aren't attracted to someone of the opposite sex it doesn't mean you aren't heterosexual right? My thoughts are if you have done it, enjoyed it and don't have any regrets over it, it ain't curious any more. Which way should we go?

02-16-2009, 09:24 PM	#3 (permalink)
fun4Ds Julie's Helper Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 6,489 Location: Behind door #2 Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:mrmrsfun	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? Tell Wendy to look at the options and make her choice according to how she really feels. Then accept and support her decision.

02-16-2009, 10:51 PM	#5 (permalink)
twoforone100 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 218 Location: Richmond Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:twoforone100	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? We have found most chose bicurious for this.. but it is up to you and to her...and you can always explain it in your profile... But even if she lists as straight it does not mean she will sleep with every guy does it? Just like bisexual does not mean she would sleep with every woman
	Last edited by twoforone100; 02-17-2009 at 12:26 AM. Reason: clarity and an added sentance

02-16-2009, 11:01 PM	#6 (permalink)
The Fuse Way too opinionated Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 1,826 Location: Southeastern Virginia Status: Single Female Swing Lifestyle Name:The_Fuse	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? twoforone100 has said it very well here, especially the part about how you can explain in your profile. The label "bicurious" kind of sucks. But if she doesn't consider herself bisexual, she won't be comfortable with the label. I don't sleep with every man, nor with every woman. But I sleep with way fewer women than men, am less attracted to them in general, and consider it the exception rather than the rule. So I use "bicurious", and explain it in our profile.
	__________________ Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

02-17-2009, 12:14 AM	#7 (permalink)
2inSanDiego4u ♥♥♥ Lovin' This! ♥♥♥ Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 768 Location: San Diego Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:2inSanDiego4u	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? I've seen some profiles list "bi-curious" or "bisexual" then state in the profile that she is "bi-situational, meaning depending on the chemistry with the other female". This is something you might want to consider.
	__________________ "Doggie Style is Mandatory." -- from a Swing Lifestyle profile we came across!

02-17-2009, 09:27 AM	#8 (permalink)
realcplub2 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 806 Location: North Central Florida Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:putnamcocpl	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? Why worry about the "labels" Lets face it, What real difference does it make? By choosing the label route, you unfortunately have people that yes, look specifically at "what" you are rather than WHO you are.. There are plenty of people that, when it the profile, list themselves as str8, and when the clothes come off, find that they are much more bi comfortable. Her explaination is completely normal, plenty of people are mentally aware of the "labels" that one statement can hang around thier necks. So, when filling out profiles, be much more concerend with providing the clear info, about who you are and what you want rather than WHAT you may be. We have heard from a number of people that when we write a profile, reading is a requirement
	__________________ Reality Checks written Upon Request

02-17-2009, 02:40 PM	#9 (permalink)
MrkLin Your Tent or Ours? Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 706 Location: mm Status: Couple	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? As Lin and I are both straight, I can only comment on this thread from the angle of someone reading your profile. That being said, we find it a bit curious ourselves that some women seem to be 'bi-curious' for several years. As someone else eluded to on this thread, hasn't their curiosity been satisfied yet? We have several friends who list themselves as bi-curious because they don't want to give the impression that they just out looking for women. One couple lists her as bi, then explains in the profile that she's "bi-situational," as has been mentioned before. While her primary focus in the lifestyle is looking for men, she'd gladly welcome a play session with a lady she's attracted to and 'clicks' with. Having said all of that, however, I agree totally with fun4Ds - let Wendy decide how she wants to be listed, then back her 100%. If she feels the need to explain, let her do so in the body of the profile.
	Last edited by MrkLin; 02-17-2009 at 02:41 PM. Reason: I kant spel

02-17-2009, 03:39 PM	#10 (permalink)
CXXC Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!! Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 952 Location: Savannah GA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:cxxc1963	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? Our take on the Bi, Bi-curious and Straight question is this: If you are straight, play only with the opposite sex and have no interest in the same sex, You are STRAIGHT! If you are Bi-curious, play with the same sex 2-3 times, decide it is not for you, you are Straight. However, if you play with the same sex 2-3 times, enjoy it for your own personal reasons and not just to please others, you are no longer curious. The curious portion of the label should be removed. HOWEVER!!! If you are into the opposite sex more and only enjoy the same sex as an appetizer (so to speak) then you are Bi-comfy or Bi-tolerant. If you are equally attracted to both sexes, you are simply Bi. The best way to find out if you are truly Bi would be to have an experience with the same sex and no interaction with the opposite sex in that event. If you walk away feeling satisfied...Well, you are most assuredly Bi. Perhaps the owners of the swingers sites could add the options for Bi-comfy or Bi-situational and even Bi-tolerant. A few other options could not hurt. It would also save on the profile size. HA HA HA! Like our profile is short! HA HA HA! Again, this is just our .02
	__________________ Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

02-17-2009, 04:38 PM	#11 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,294 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? I definitely don't think the site owners should add more options, but I do think CXXC is onto something with their definitions. In an ideal swinging world, it would be understood that just because a woman is listed as bisexual does not mean she wants to have sex with every female out there, any more than she wants to have sex with every male out there. Unfortunately, there are many bi-furious women out there who seem to believe that "I'm bi" means "I will do you". I don't think that we (as women) should have to justify ourselves by going into detail in our profile that we are bi but picky... we should all be picky! (Can you tell this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine?). It seems like it has become a trend for bi women to put bi-curious instead of bi-sexual for this very reason and I don't think they should have to. As a truely bi female I'm not as likely to contact a couple where the female is listed as curious because I don't want to push a female who isn't sure (and too often the ones listed as curious are listed such at their husband's request). On the same token, I don't assume that just because a female is listed as bisexual that there will be f/f play if we all get together. So to answer your question on what she should put. If she is interested in women and comfortable playing with them (when she is interested in them) IMO she should list herself as bi, understanding that just as there will be couples you will turn down because she's not attracted to the guy, there will be situations she will turn down because she doesn't want to play with the female.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

02-17-2009, 04:59 PM	#12 (permalink)
CXXC Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!! Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 952 Location: Savannah GA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:cxxc1963	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? Assumptions are a flaw in the Lifestyle. No one in the Lifestyle has a right or reason to expect ANYONE to engage in sexual congress with them. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with expectation. Mrs. CXXC defines herself as slightly Bi-sexual. Her attractions to other women is quite apparent. however, just as she will not have sex with EVERY man she meets, she will be as equally discriminating with women. How many people in the lifestyle truly believe that they are so outstanding that NO ONE would dare turn them down? As beautiful and sexy as I find Mrs. CXXC (I think she is amazing in all categories) I know that there are men and women out there who do not find her appealing. (Silly people) No matter how you list yourself, Bi, Bi-Curious, or Straight, you are the only one who can accept an invitation to play. Sexual preference is not an issue.
	__________________ Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

02-17-2009, 10:01 PM	#13 (permalink)
NCfuncouple98 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 723 Location: North Caroliina Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:ncfuncouple98	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? I agree with Julie on this. Here's how I see it: Straight: No interest or curiousity whatsover in women. Bicurious: Has some fantasies or interest, but not yet sure if that means she'll like it. Bisexual: Sexually attracted to, and wants to play with, women. This does not mean only women. Listing yourself as bi-sexual, and being worried that that's deceptive to other women, is no different than being straight and not being sexually attracted to every man on the planet. It's not even bi-picky. If the attraction it's there, and if it's not, it's not. IMO, if she has enjoyed more than one encounter with another female, both giving and receiving, and has the desire to continue in that activity, she should not be ashamed or concerned whatsoever with listing herself as bisexual. Mrs. NC
	__________________ *Get your mind out of the gutter so mine can float by!*

02-18-2009, 04:43 AM	#14 (permalink)
The Fuse Way too opinionated Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 1,826 Location: Southeastern Virginia Status: Single Female Swing Lifestyle Name:The_Fuse	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? I respectfully disagree. I am still uncomfortable listing myself as bisexual, even though I have been attracted to and enjoyed sex with some women. Why? Because the intensity and frequency of my attraction for women is minuscule compared to what I feel for men. And even when I enjoy it, it just doesn't rise to the experience of being with a man for me. Not even close, almost without exception. Calling me bisexual would be sort of like buying a lottery ticket and then saying, "I might win money in the lottery or I might not", as if the chances were anywhere near even. While technically true, the chances are so small that to consider it a real possibility is leading myself on. I don't buy the argument that says "if you've ever enjoyed same-sex activity, you are a bisexual". That just seems like reaching to me. Bisexuality is not an "on-off", "you is or you ain't" thing. It is a continuum. That is why Kinsey made his scale. (There is also a huge double standard between women and men. There is a lot of pressure to be bisexual in swinging if you are female, while it is discouraged for men.) Although the label "bi-curious" doesn't fit me either, I just don't feel like I am "bisexual" enough to claim the label. My drive is toward men, with the occasional outlier. Truth be told, it is not how I identify myself, meaning it's not how I feel down deep inside. Plus, let's be honest... if you see a woman listed as bisexual you expect her interest in women to be a non-trivial factor in their swinging. I'd feel like I was lying or just trying to fit in. If you see them listed as "bi-curious", especially after being around for some time, you might reasonably think, "Well she shouldn't be curious anymore". But you might investigate further if you are interested. Our profile explains my orientation. I would rather list myself as bi-curious and explain myself, than list myself as bisexual and then have to explain myself to someone who expects me to like women more than I do. So I stick with "bi-curious", which is a sucky label, and IMO on Swing Lifestyle has come to mean "somewhere between straight and bisexual enough that it's a real factor". I don't like it, because no, I am not curious anymore, but it's the best they've got. Maybe sometime I will change my mind. When I do, I'll change the label.
	__________________ Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne Last edited by The Fuse; 02-18-2009 at 04:52 AM.

02-18-2009, 02:50 PM	#15 (permalink)
CXXC Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!! Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 952 Location: Savannah GA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:cxxc1963	Re: Is she bi or bi curious? Ms. Fuse I have to agree with you in that just because you have been with women, and enjoyed it, does not make you Bi. However, you are again, no longer Bi-curious as you know that you enjoy it. This is the issue with having only two choices in the area. Also, one other issue that comes up with listing yourself as Bi-curious, the women who are actually Bi will be more inclined to help you "Answer" that "Question" thereby placing you, sometimes, in an uncomfortable position.
	__________________ Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

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