"Don't call us, we'll call you"

[LikeMinds321]

We're taking a new approach to swinging.

"Don't call us, we'll call you"

Our reasons:

• We're busier now and arranging a time to meet could mean a month or more away. We like being able to meet within 1-2 weeks, and even when we have the time to do so. So we figure we're better off writing to people when we have an opening in our schedule and hope they will too, rather than hearing from people and having to tell them we can't meet until 4 weeks out.
  
  
• We have always had people write with interest in meeting, but 90% are people we have no interest in. We've become tired of sending out the "thanks, but no thanks" replies.
  
  
• We've always had great fortune with being pro-active. We don't hesitate to write when interested. We've never been turned down for a meet when we've written to a couple so when we find someone we're interested in, we'll write them.
  
  
• We already know some great couples who we continue to stay in touch with, so we are still able to keep playing if/when we have time to do so.
  
  
• Swinging has always been a part-time hobby for us. We don't like it taking up too much of our time. When we've played a couple times a month, that's a full plate for us, our appetites are filled. We don't feel starved if a couple months go by without playing. And there's always the clubs; socializing with other swingers is satisfying even if we don't play that night. Heading to the club can be real spontaneous and fun for us and we met a lot of people that way.

Our profile doesn't say "don't call us, we'll call you" - we think that would be a poor choice of words - but we have added info in our profile that lets people know we aren't available at this time, which is true enough because of our busy lives right now. Still, if we spotted a profiile that grabbed us, we'd write and explain why we're writing.

We've found making this change has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I'm the one who handles the e-mails and I've never liked turning people down even though I know it's part of what swinging is about. Elliminating the incoming mail has been great.

Has anyone ever tried this approach due to the reasons we've mentioned?

LM

[alphaplaycpl]

I think that being proactive and confident is always a plus. Though, unless I could say that I never developed a positive experience from another couple initiating contact, I wouldn't be ready to rule it out. Maybe try writing some standard, but polite, "thanks but no thanks" replies. That way you don't have to come up with something new to say each time you need to respond.

[sweet_tna]

I think it's great if you've found an approach that works for you and relieves you of any pressure you might have been feeling. We're not actively seeking anyone ourselves due to our busy schedule too. But we get so few incoming emails we haven't seen fit to change anything in our profile.

=)

[BiloxiCouple]

Just be up front in your profile. You can always refer to that in rejections if need be.

"As our profile stated at this time it is difficult". Just one example.

[bethncole]

Rarely quality couples would want to put up with such one-sided relationship. What you're basically saying is that your lives and schedules are more important than theirs.

[two42lovers]

You mention it takes the weight off - are you saying people don't write you now, or are you just saying you give yourself permission to not respond? Always found it easiest to go ahead and block profiles we absolutely aren't interested in when we come across them. (and thus never get an email in the first place. An example would be coming across a profile that says "we're married, but not to each other, our spouses don't know".)

Would we block a profile that said they are too busy to meet people? Of course not, but if they relayed the details you mentioned, hmmmm. You've never been turned down? You've "become tired of sending out the thanks, but no thanks replies"? Gotta scratch our heads on those... but hey - suit yourself. As long as you are having fun.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by bethncole

Rarely quality couples would want to put up with such one-sided relationship. What you're basically saying is that your lives and schedules are more important than theirs.

"One-sided relationship?" I don't understand what you mean. Could you explain?

Our lives and schedules aren't any more important than theirs and I also am not clear on how you see I'm suggesting that. So you can elaborate there too if you like.


We have found that everyone we've met puts their work, children, and family/friend obligations before swinging. If somebody writes us wanting to meet on the day we're scheduled to celebrate my parents anniversary with the family, we aren't going to cancel on my folks. And we don't expect other swingers to do it for us if they have other priorities.

Something that can happen when trying to arrange a meet is swingers go back and forth suggesting open dates they have and neither match until a long ways out. Then often - we've found - by the time the meet date is coming up someone has to cancel because something in their family/work life has come up that takes precedence over swinging. We all try again, and sometimes we find a date, but many times the relationship at that point just fades or they won't commit again to a date.

LM

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

You mention it takes the weight off - are you saying people don't write you now, or are you just saying you give yourself permission to not respond?

I'm saying that people don't write us now.

Even when people were writing, I would not reply to some - but that was very rare and only with people that send some offensive or ridiculous e-mails. But I've always been one to believe a reply should be sent otherwise, and that had become time-consuming and was becoming a task.

Always found it easiest to go ahead and block profiles we absolutely aren't interested in when we come across them. (and thus never get an email in the first place. An example would be coming across a profile that says "we're married, but not to each other, our spouses don't know".)

This isn't an approach I take because I don't care for it. I think it offends too many people who simply want to view our profiile and may never write, so why block them unless we have good reason. The few I have blocked are those who have written three times and don't seem to remember writing us before or they don't understand the meaning of "no thanks."

Would we block a profile that said they are too busy to meet people? Of course not, but if they relayed the details you mentioned, hmmmm. You've never been turned down? You've "become tired of sending out the thanks, but no thanks replies"? Gotta scratch our heads on those... but hey - suit yourself. As long as you are having fun.

The details I listed in my OP would never be put in a profile, no reason to. All the details I mention are there to let everyone know why we have made a change in how we use the ad site.

I get the feeling you don't believe what I've said. It is true that we haven't been turned down for a meet, BUT we've only ever written to about a dozen couples. Maybe knowing that will make what I say more believable to you. I know that's very few e-mails of interest going out from us, compared to what most swingers send out. The other people we've met through ad sites are those who've written to us. And we also use the clubs to meet people.

From reading your posts on the Board, I know you are more actively swinging than us, so we probably seem like turtles in comparison.

LM

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by bethncole

Rarely quality couples would want to put up with such one-sided relationship. What you're basically saying is that your lives and schedules are more important than theirs.

I think what she might have seen... and I was wondering myself. Basically, you are the initiator, if others contact you first you tell them you are busy. The question then comes down to ... what about after you initiate? If they are busy THAT weekend but then say email you a few weeks later to see if you might be interested? Are you then not open to continuing a discussion? or is it that you ONLY even discuss meeting others when it suits yours schedule? If you write to someone and they can't meet when you are ready are they then supposed to wait and not write you again and just wait until you are good to go the next time? (not saying they won't be out meeting others - but should they NEVER email you)? And how do you respond to those who write you back later that you've initiated contact with?

"oops sorry, you've missed your window of opportunity! Please try again later!"

[two42lovers]

This isn't an approach I take because I don't care for it. I think it offends too many people who simply want to view our profiile and may never write, so why block them unless we have good reason.

It's all good. Have to admit we couldn't care less if people we decide to block are offended or not - lol! As in the example we gave - cheating spouses - who cares if they don't like it? We do think it's a good reason to block them. If we feel strongly enough to block them, we'd prefer they don't look at our profile.

There are lots of reasons we would never want to meet a particular couple. Some of them would have nothing to do them being "bad people", it may just be we know we are incompatible. For instance, if they state in no uncertain terms they want a certain type of playmate, or only people under 40. Well, we are over 40... we might easily block such a profile and be done with it. Doesn't make them bad people, but we sure wouldn't want to write them or get any emails from them.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think what she might have seen... and I was wondering myself. Basically, you are the initiator, if others contact you first you tell them you are busy. The question then comes down to ... what about after you initiate? If they are busy THAT weekend but then say email you a few weeks later to see if you might be interested? Are you then not open to continuing a discussion? or is it that you ONLY even discuss meeting others when it suits yours schedule? If you write to someone and they can't meet when you are ready are they then supposed to wait and not write you again and just wait until you are good to go the next time? (not saying they won't be out meeting others - but should they NEVER email you)? And how do you respond to those who write you back later that you've initiated contact with?

"oops sorry, you've missed your window of opportunity! Please try again later!"

Up until now, we've always been flexible when trying to get a meet date set. It's other couples who usually have more restrictions, due to having kids.

If after trying back and forth we can't get a date set within a month or two we both agree we'll keep working on it later and keep in touch.

We have some couples who we've been checking back with, and they with us, for over two years. We still haven't found a matching date. We're always open to keep trying.

I figure since we know life is busy right now, why encourage people to write us only to tell them, sorry we aren't available now and don't know when we will be. I think most people would appreciate knowing that up front in our profile. If they are interested in us they can keep watch on our profile for updates. And if we spot someone we'd like to write to, we will when our schedule opens and hope for the best.

LM

[Pensacolapair]

The title of your OP is "Don't call us, we'll call you". Although you make it clear that you don't express it that way in your profile, you make it clear here that it is what you mean. In other words, you would prefer to be the 'contactor' instead of the 'contacted'. Interesting concept..

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

We have always had people write with interest in meeting, but 90% are people we have no interest in. We've become tired of sending out the "thanks, but no thanks" replies.LM

In a perfect swing world, the only people who would deign to approach us for potential play would be those whom we want to play with. They would inherently know that they are just what we are looking for, and they would just as inherently know when the stars are correctly aligned schedule-wise to facilitate making a get-together happen. Not meaning to over-state the obvious or talk down to anyone... but that ain't gonna happen!

We've seen the whole issue of unwanted emails, IMs, etc debated in just about every venue possible, recognize the two predominate positions?

1. "We think it's only common courtesy to respond to emails"
2. "We think not responding to an email is a response..it says we aren't interested"

The options are fairly easy based on which position you happen to subscribe to: If number one is your feeling (which you seem to lean towards), then as has been suggested by a previous poster, invest the almost 5 seconds it requires to hit that "quick reply" button that says 'No Thanks'. At that rate, if the amount of emails you are getting means you are burning more than 2 minutes out of your day - much respect to you!.. you are getting too much mail and should consider adopting the second sentiment.. you won't have to invest all those 5 seconds!

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

We're busier now and arranging a time to meet could mean a month or more away. We like being able to meet within 1-2 weeks, and even when we have the time to do so. So we figure we're better off writing to people when we have an opening in our schedule and hope they will too, rather than hearing from people and having to tell them we can't meet until 4 weeks out....LM

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Swinging has always been a part-time hobby for us. We don't like it taking up too much of our time... LM

With the exception of a very few independantly wealthy, unnaturally heathy, empty-nested/childless, orphaned only-child children of only-child parents, terminally horny hardcore swingers with no other interests or hobbies...everyone has periods in their lives when they are incredibly busy doing life's bidding. Of course it will always be a matter of 'whatever gets ya through the night', but we have always scratched our heads when swingers try to come up with 'foolproof' methods to simplify things that are inherently simple. Making anything foolproof is impossible - fools are too ingenieous!

Often you will see people modify their profile to indicate that they are "taking a break", or "really busy" etc. It does make us wonder though when we get an email from someone who has indicated that on their profile... but then again, quite a few things make us say, "Hmmm...". We guess that is a way..but all of the sites we've seen have either a way you can make your profile 'invisible' to others, suspend it, or otherwise temporarily remove you from being an option. And going back to the issue of unwanted email... kinda hard to send you an email if you temporarily don't exist.

[socolais]

I don't have any answers, but I do have an opinion. We change our tag line periodically and sometimes we use "not in search mode" to let folks know that we're not actively looking for new opportunities. As a matter of fact, we haven't been in search mode since about our second house party. We do have a busy schedule which leaves little time for play with others - and that suits us just fine. We have also blocked profiles simply because we noticed a significant difference in preferences and now when we browse the "who's on" list, we see folks we're more interested in and there's a potential for some fun. I don't do as much blocking as I used to. We still get occasional emails from other folks interested in a meet-up and we tell them early in the conversation that we'll be happy to meet them at some particular party and can arrange an invitation for them if they're interested. (It would really help if folks would post a pic of their fishing boat on their profile ) We've had a few couples say they're going to the party but we've never actually met anyone like that yet (that could change this weekend). We do respond to reasonable emails but form letters and pick-up lines get blocked with no response from us.

Between the parties and the couples we already know, we haven't had an issue making a connection when we get in the mood for some fun. It's not that we already have enough friends, it's that we don't have enough time to spread across the special friends we know in advance will be a fun time. We decline offers more often than we would in a perfect world free from responsibilities and obligations. And yeah, I do recall one of our invitations for an initial meeting was declined after they read our profile more closely and discovered that we smoke.

It's not rude or unfriendly, it's just life....

[TNT]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I figure since we know life is busy right now, why encourage people to write us only to tell them, sorry we aren't available now and don't know when we will be.

I feel the same way and it's why we did change our Swing Lifestyle profile. We went from being able to meet/play approximately three weekends a month to hoping to be able to meet/play one weekend a month.

We get a lot of mail and I hated having to respond with "We're just too busy to meet right now", especially since I respond to all the mail we get.

I figured if I posted it in our profile that, yes, we're still active but right now due to our schedules and trying to make the most of our playtime, we were only meeting new people at local house parties...hoping that maybe that would cut down on the mail and people wouldn't waste their time contacting us....It hasn't, we're still getting lots of mail (not everyone really reads your profile) and I'm still having to say...sorry, we just don't have the time to meet. I personally hate the 'quick reply' buttons...if they've taken the time to write a personal note, then I feel I should take the time to write one back.

I think it's just one of those things where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.


Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by TNT

I figured if I posted it in our profile that, yes, we're still active but right now due to our schedules and trying to make the most of our playtime, we were only meeting new people at local house parties...hoping that maybe that would cut down on the mail and people wouldn't waste their time contacting us....It hasn't, we're still getting lots of mail (not everyone really reads your profile) and I'm still having to say...sorry, we just don't have the time to meet. I personally hate the 'quick reply' buttons...if they've taken the time to write a personal note, then I feel I should take the time to write one back.

Our profile has said something similar to that since day 1, basically that we do not meet one on one and prefer to meet at socials and clubs. Then we set up a "Group" on Swing Lifestyle for group dinners as well inviting those we were interested in meeting to join it. For the most part we don't get a lot of unwanted emails to our profile, so I guess however we worded it worked... either that or we are just unattractive and no one wants to meet us....lol.