My G/F is Bi/Lesbian and only wants to play by herself.

[bfofbigf]

My girlfriend has apparently always had an interest in women. About a year after we got together and just talking, I brought up how I would be OK with her being with another woman. Initially, she was elusive about this, but I saw that she was going to a women for women chat room on Yahoo.

She has had two sexual encounters with two women now since we have been together. Each time, I don't feel all to comfortable about the whole thing because I feel like she is cheating on me. She tries to "explain" to me that I am not to be involved in this portion of her life. She says that without me, she would be a lesbian and not bi.

It's like she wants to live two lives and I am only in one of them. I have tried to explain to her that I want to be with her, but that she needs to communicate with me more. She has to work at trying to make me feel comfortable because this is something she wants to do. I tell her that I need to feel better about this whole thing also. I am just unable to figure out what she could do to make me feel comfortable. Maybe a little involvement, but not sex with other women. I don't know.

She says she loves me and does not want to be with any other man but me. She also feels that that is enough communication and that the rest is up to me. Although I do feel that I am responsible for my feelings, she as my g/f should also want to help me feel comfortable about her choice in lifestyle. I really do want to make this work, but I don't feel like she wants to and if she does, she is not showing it due to me feeling like I have to take it or leave it when it comes to her lifestyle choice.

I need help. I really want to make this work, but I feel like I am getting the short end of the emotional stick and that I have to deal with it.

I'm just looking for some guidance and suggestions. TIA!!

[fun_pairTX]

What you are being offered is not a choice it is an ultimatum. When one partner plays and the other isn't included, it is called CHEATING, not swinging. Since she is no longer discussing the subject you should avail yourself of the nearest exit and be glad she was your girlfriend and not your wife.

[thekolonel]

I agree. I used to know a girl who's a lot like your girlfriend. She had a long time boyfriend on the side whom she had "trained" into accepting her little dalliances with girls on the side. Eventually she ended up cheating on him with another guy.

Your girl is extremely selfish. Do yourself a favor and drop her.

[bear_n_bunny]

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if I were you, I'd dump the bitch. I've dated a number of bi women, and have never encountered the intransigence you report here.

Sure, when a bi female gets a yen for nooky, she (and her sex buddy) will generally not want a male around, unless some kind of MFM play arrangement is made. But they are usually not quite so tight-assed about things as this gal is.

Sounds to me like she's just taking you for a ride, for whatever unknown reason. More than likely she is a lesbian, rather than bisexual, so close to it as makes no real difference, in which case you are wasting your time anyway.

Bear

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
What you are being offered is not a choice it is an ultimatum. When one partner plays and the other isn't included, it is called CHEATING, not swinging. Since she is no longer discussing the subject you should avail yourself of the nearest exit and be glad she was your girlfriend and not your wife.

Not only do I agree with the others, but especially agree with this and it couldn't have been said better.

If you have these kind of problems now....just think what it will be like further down the road. This is CHEATING, plain and simple. You are being cheated out of perhaps finding someone that you can openly communicate with in every aspect of your lives together. You aren't going to get it with this gal.

No matter how strong your feelings are for the gal, let them go. It may be painful for a while, but there are the old sayings of "Time heals all wounds" and "The best days are yet to come." (Sometimes we just have to wait longer for them.)

Best wishes,

The female half of OhioCouple

[EternallySingle]

No matter what she says, you are just window dressing for her family and probably her job and church. TShe is afraid to admit she is gay ("without me, she would be a lesbian and not bi") and eventually she will meet a woman who won't let her lie to herself anymore. when that happens, you will be even more hurt emotionally than you seem to be now.

[curious24]

Give her a nicely wrapped box as a present.. and inside put one boot.. so when she opens the present let her know you are giving her the BOOT!

haha..

sorry.. that may have been a little over the edge.. but if you can't tell i agree with everyone on this topic too...

[J & K]

What you are being offered is not a choice it is an ultimatum. When one partner plays and the other isn't included, it is called CHEATING, not swinging. Since she is no longer discussing the subject you should avail yourself of the nearest exit and be glad she was your girlfriend and not your wife

So true!!!!!!

[keila]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by bfofbigf
[B]
She tries to "explain" to me that I am not to be involved in this portion of her life. She says that without me, she would be a lesbian and not bi.



When I was reading your post this caught my attention. Speaking as a bi female, weather I am in a relationship with a man or not I am still a bi female. I would never consider myself a lesbian just because I was not in a relationship with a man. I think here lies your/her problem. Like everyone has already said you should be moving on.

[hotcpl4unfla]

Holy cow! I agree with everyone else on this one! Time to find a new girlfriend. This is basically cheating. Now if she says, "OK, you can watch", then maybe I'd think about hanging on to her for a little while longer LOL! I'd just keep her as a friend if that were the case, and get emotionally involved with someone who is predominately hetero.

[NightGoddess]

...This is pretty amazing, but it's 100% on this thread....we all agree!
---The only thing I would add is that not only is your woman telling you how it's going to be, but you get NO compromise, and what's really awful, she is dismissing your feelings as being unimportant.
People like her don't make friends, they take hostages: you get all the drama you could desire.....and it's at the cost of your self-esteem.
---Do you really need a relationship that makes you feel like you will never be happy...or that what you have to offer is not good enough?
---Could you ever imagine telling her that you were going to do...whatever....and she just had to accept it? No? Then you are not playing on a level field, my friend.
---After all, the door swings both ways.
---I think...no, I know you can do far better. You deserve a relationship that has reciprocity.

---Good luck to you, and give yourself lots of time to get over this one.

[MagicEnigma]

Devils advocate here, but if you have a threesome, where the husband isn't supposed to touch the other woman, what is the difference if the husband is there, or is out at a bar while you are doing it?

I'll be honest the issue strikes close to home as its something I'm wondering about. I consider myself bisexual, but I am rather certain I wouldn't want to go without relations with one gender for another. I'm not in a relationship right now, not sure when or if I will. And I'm not really taking sides, just trying to ponder the issue. But I'm curious what one is to do. If I'm in a relationship with one person, but have the "need" for sex with the other gender, and my partner understands and agrees with that, do they have to also be invited to play along? Is having an "open" relationship the key? Is it all in how we establish things up front?

[bfofbigf]

Hi everyone-
This is the girlfriend of the poster. I read all the responses here and I must say, ouch, you all are brutal...hehehe. First off, Id like to add to this orginal post that my boyfriend of 3 1-2 years forgot to add in here. "He" wanted me to hook up with women in the first place and he understood he was not going to be involved. He was also able to join one of my first encounters with a woman, since he and I were a couple. He was very much part of the action, he just didnt touch her, she was a lesbian. He seemed to be fine with it when I was alone with her after that. As for the next gal I was involved with, I spoke to her for over a year before actually pursuing the next step. He was fine for an entire year but when it got to the nitty gritty he changed his mind. And now that I want to pursue more women, now he isnt totally comfortable with it. He doesnt say dont do it, he says he understands and accepts it, I know he doesnt though by comments he makes. At the same time though, its an extreme turn on for him. But then again, sometimes I know it hurts him, I have a good understanding of how this might make him truely feel, and of all the confusion we are both going through right now. To him, Im extremely sorry, I cant shut off my need or want of women, I dont ever want to lose him though. I dont know what to do to make this better for both of us. Unfortunately, I'm not into the whole three sum thing, its just not my style, its a turn off to me. And it would not turn me on to see him with another woman, no how, no way. And I tried the three sum thing, I tried that for him, I didnt want to do it, but I did. Why, because I knew it was what he wanted and it would make him happy. I love my boyfriend and want to spend my life with HIM, no one else. Im not interested in any man but him, and I dont want to share my entire life with anyone but him, male or female. Why I'm explaining this I have no idea but I made it this far so I may as well continue. He and I have a great sex life.... but I crave women at the same time. And I certainly dont want to end up taking him for granted because he cuts my desires for women short. I want to keep our honest communication open. I "crave" him as well, I love him very much. If he were bi I would be ok with him sleeping with the same sex and he knows that. He also knows that if I ever get on a certain level with a girl he may be able to at least join again, even though I dont like it, and of course we would have to take that third parties feelings into consideration too. We have open communication and more of an understanding after doing research on our situation in the last few days. I for one hope we can work through this and meet in the middle, but who knows where the middle is at this point.

Thanks for all of your responses. I know you all think I cheat on him but I am completely honest with him and I am trying to be as open as possible and sensitive to both of our feelings and move at a speed that is comfortable for both of us, not just his speed, nor just mine. I wish I could be more like you all and swing, but I cant be, and I got to be true to myself.

Is there anyone that has experienced a similar situation that may have some positive advice? Ideas, besides just breaking up?

Maybe I should also add that we both very much want to stay together and work through this together.


Thanks for your time...

[EternallySingle]

You two have a problem. He wants to be with you. You want to be with him. You want to be with other women. You don't want him to be with other women. He doesn't want you to be with other women unless he gets to be with them too. You don't want to be involved in a threesome.

Do you see the problem?

The only solution to the problem the two of you have is time away from sex with other people so you can sort your feelings out. The way I see it, you are both threatened by other women coming into the relationship. For him, he sees you being pleasured by someone else and he thinks "thats not fair. I can't do that and I can't go to someone else." For you, its "I'm afraid he's going to leave me for someone who wants the same things he does." I don't think that the two of you have reach the point in your relationship where other people are an option. You need to work on your trust in each other as it applies to your sexual desires before you go any further.

Don't feel bad. MOST people in our society never gain enough trust to accept their partner having sex with others. Most never even work on building that kind of trust and understanding. We are taught that having sex is a necessary evil, not a source of enjoyment, and that is where all our guilt and jealousies come from.

[NightGoddess]

"You two have a problem. He wants to be with you. You want to be with him. You want to be with other women. You don't want him to be with other women. He doesn't want you to be with other women unless he gets to be with them too. You don't want to be involved in a threesome.
Do you see the problem?
The only solution to the problem the two of you have is time away from sex with other people so you can sort your feelings out.---I have to completely agree w/Eternally Single here.

Stop the Madness...by trying to 'please each other' and 'do it for him/her' you are pleasing nobody.
Perhaps describing an ideal sexual encounter (each of you, privately, in writing...no peeking till you are done) and comparing notes afterwards will show you how far apart you have become.

And I have to verbally smack you, girlfriend: your man came onto this forum and asked our opinions based on his perception of the situation.
What was said here didn't support you. You obviously don't like what was said here. Interesting that you should see the problem w/ the 'facts' and not the situation.
If he didn't feel he could share w/you first, it's not our fault.
What we offer here is support based upon our understanding of his experience.

---In other words, are you more interested in being RIGHT---or being TOGETHER?

One of your statements says,"But then again, sometimes I know it hurts him"
---If you insist upon pursuing an activity that you know is emotionally hurtful to your partner ---Why are you doing it?
He let you know that he is no longer comfortable w/your closeness to your female lovers. Yep, we change. Sometimes what was okay, isn't okay when we have time to reflect on our feelings.
--and before you say it isn't consistent or fair behavior for him to have a change of heart or misgivings...it goes without saying that the realm of emotion is not rational or necessarily consistent. That's why folks on this board emphasize continuous communication and trust. The process is a journey you take together. If you decide your right to pleasure is a higher priority than his feelings..... about you with another lover (male or female)---then you have a problem to work out.

Best of luck to you.