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  1. #1
    Registered rose_bleu's Avatar
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    Exclamation New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    My husband and I have been together for 3 years, and married for 2 of those years. This entire time we've been monogamous. I've been in poly and open relationships before and decided that while there was nothing wrong with those lifestyles, they were not for me. I have never been in the swinging lifestyle (other than being the single female to a couple that have been friends of mine for years, way before I got together with my husband).

    My husband brought up the concept of dating other people back at the beginning of December, and I was completely against it. After trying to tell me how my feelings and discomfort were irrational, he's then been suggesting swinging as a compromise "on both our parts", and that while he'd prefer to "date" other women, he could accept not doing so if he could just have sex with other women.

    He's been going as far as suggesting the couple I've been with before in hopes I'd be more comfortable with the idea. I've told him time and time again I wouldn't be comfortable with it (at least for now), and that I feel he's trying to force me into it, to which he replies that he feels he's being "forced" into monogamy.

    At first I was so afraid to lose him that I didn't say too much on it, but I've become more and more firm on my stance the more he's insisted. I've told him that I'm not "forcing" him to do anything, that he is just as free to date other women and have sex with them as I am free in leaving him if he does so. He keeps saying how that answer isn't fair, and that I "care more about monogamy than our relationship". He also says how he feels more and more restrained at the thought of not being able to have sex with other people.

    Of course, the more he's insisted, the more uncomfortable I've been feeling with the entire situation.

    Ironically I don't know whether or not I would have been more ok with swinging once I felt our relationship was stronger, but at this point I'm getting more uncomfortable with the concept as he keeps bringing it up and insisting on how unhappy he would be in not doing so.

    I'm starting to feel as if our marriage is in limbo at this point. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Swingers Board Guide SW_PA_Couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    I'm glad, rose bleu, that you have joined the discussions here at Swingersboard. Hope you find the information here to be useful.

    Your husband's implication that he would put aside his plan of dating another woman if you would agree to accept "swinging" sounds (allow me to be blunt) like blackmail. And I want you to think on how unfair all of this would be to the people you might involve in a prospective two-on-two, three-way or four-way relationship if you had not worked out your own purposes ahead of time. I think you should resist this whole thing.

  3. #3
    Swingers Board Addict fun4Ds's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    Welcome to the Swingers Board, rose_bleu.

    Personally, anytime someone has the need to use the "Its not fair card" I doubt swinging would do very well for them. Good reply by the way, on your part ! But thats just my opinion....

    If you could please complete your registration through the e-mail link provided by you. We could then open up this conversation in a more broader environment, than the introductions. But again, I do thank you for joining us. I think the more communication from other swingers the better, and might help you arrive to some better advice too....

    fun ~

  4. #4
    Registered rose_bleu's Avatar
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    Default Additional newbie thread on activation.

    I already see your replies on my intro post, and want to say how I appreciate you guys getting back to me so fast. I'd be replying with more specifics and questions if I could at this point.

    I've already done my email activation, but it says I'm still in the moderator queue for my account.

    Thanks for the patience, and for the comments so far.

    ~RB

  5. #5
    Better than Ice Cream two4youinswva's Avatar
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    Default Re: Additional newbie thread on activation.

    You can continue to reply this way until the administrator approves you. We will merge the posts into your original thread.
    You can tell how much a woman likes you by her feet. If they're behind her ears, she REALLY likes you.

  6. #6
    Registered rose_bleu's Avatar
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    Default Continuation

    Thank you, two4you.

    SW_PA_Couple: I would agree with your in terms of blackmail, except my husband genuinely believes what he is saying. He actually feels that it would be a compromise he'd be ok with on his part, and he doesn't see why I shouldn't compromise because of it. I do however also agree about your viewpoint of how it may affect those we chose to swing with.

    fun4Ds: Thank you. Again, as I said above, my husband actually believes what he's saying, including the "it's not fair" bit. He genuinely doesn't see why I'd have a problem with it, and while he acknowledges that I do have a problem, he seems to think that I'm the one that should deal with it since it is my problem.

    We've been over this topic for a couple of months now, and I have seriously thought about it, instead of just discounting it offhand. At this point in time there are quite a few things that make me uncomfortable with the current situation, and while I do think that swinging might resolve it from his point of view, it would only aggravate things on my end (and I'm sure not other couple would want to deal with something like that when they'd just want to have fun in the first place).

    We've discussed and argued about the topic at length, and I don't even know how to talk to him about it more so he can understand what I'm going through, because he genuinely does not understand. I've had him tell me how he thought I was being selfish in not wanting to swing or date with others at this point.

  7. #7
    Registered rose_bleu's Avatar
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    Default To Clarify

    Maybe I should clarify a bit. One of the things my husband doesn't seem to understand is that at this point in time I do not find the idea of having sex with anybody other than him appealing. Actually (and I would never have thought it possible before this relationship) I am no longer finding myself sexually attracted to people other than him. Oh, I can appreciate the physical beauty, but it doesn't contribute to turning me on the way it might have in the past.

    When it comes to him, however, I'm ready to go anytime.

    He's said that if that's the case, then he doesn't see why I shouldn't be ok with him dating while I'm not, or having sex with others, and that I wouldn't have to.

    He's even tried to tell me how this would make him want to have sex with me more often (and that the restriction is making him want sex less often). Personally I see that remark as another red flag. I don't see how whether or not we have sex with other people should have anything to do with the frequency at which we have sex ourselves.

    He's been saying that he's being reasonable in his arguments and that I'm being irrational. Meanwhile I see it as the opposite. What makes this so complicated at this point ( i.e.wanting to resolve this conflict in a way that our relationship survives and we're both happy) is that we both love each other. If that wasn't the case i'd have been out of the relationship at the first feeling of pressure in this direction.

  8. #8
    Swingers Board Guide funcoupledayton's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    I'm sorry you're in this situation. I really don't think swinging is a compromise. Besides, no one wants to swing with a woman who is not into it. A compromise might be more role play with just you and him or more dirty talk in bed. Maybe seeing a sex positive marriage counselor or a sex therapist would help. It sounds like he is giving an ultimatum on you relationship and that is not fair or good. I'm really sorry.

  9. #9
    Swingers Board Addict Powerglide's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    It seems to me that your husband's demand is not only selfish and inconsiderate -- hey, who hasn't been selfish and inconsiderate at times -- but also quite impossible and unworkable. Without genuine desire on your part, the best that could happen in a play date would be an evening of misery and unhappiness for everyone involved, including your husband. It almost seems as if your husbands desire for new nookie has made him forget why he married you. I'm no one to give marital advice -- I couldn't figure out how to save my own (totally monogamous) marriage a few years ago. But I will suggest that it couldn't hurt to see a marriage counselor. I can't help but think that this is a symptom of some deeper issue that is not currently evident.
    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - H.L. Mencken

  10. #10
    Swingers Board Addict truckerbuddy's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    welcome to the board rose bleu, i hope you find what your looking for. the people here are the best your going to find..
    Here to day, gone tomorrow

  11. #11
    Just a hick Okie Alura's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    from Oklahoma, Rose_bleu! Thanks for joining us and for sharing your concerns.

    It seems to me that your husband hasn't thought this through, Rose. My guess is that (if you agreed to his demands) he'd be sitting at home most of the time while you were out getting laid. I'm just a hick Okie, and I have little experience with "open marriage" but it seems to me it's a whole lot easier for a woman to bestow pussy than for a man to find it. She's likely to find a lot more interested partners. With a married man, it's an uphill battle while most single (or, for that matter, married) men don't look at a free horse's teeth to check it's age.

    I had a fleeting thought of your agreeing with him and going out often, whether or not you have a date, perhaps to a movie, but letting him think you're very active.

    "I'm sorry to be so late, Darling. John was just insatiable! He insisted on a third round."

    "I didn't realize what time it was, Darling. The clock in Bill's bedroom didn't work and the only thing I was ever able to see was the ceiling."

    "Is it one o'clock, Darling? Henry came really quickly, I had time to stop by Larry's place and let him finish the job, but time got away from me."

    "Oh, please, Darling. Not tonight. Allen is really hung and my pussy is so sore... can we wait until tomorrow? Oh, I'm sorry! I can't tomorrow. I have a date with Raul. How about next Thursday?"

    A fun fantasy, perhaps, but not a good idea. Honesty is not only the best policy in marriage, it's indispensable. Besides, it's my opinion that a couple interested in "strange stuff" need to do it together. In the meantime, I'll echo the idea of marriage counciling. My best to you, and please keep us informed.

    Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
    óWill Rogers

  12. #12
    ~This space for rent~ LFM2's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    Quote Originally Posted by rose_bleu View Post
    My husband brought up the concept of dating other people back at the beginning of December, and I was completely against it. After trying to tell me how my feelings and discomfort were irrational, he's then been suggesting swinging as a compromise "on both our parts", and that while he'd prefer to "date" other women, he could accept not doing so if he could just have sex with other women.

    He's been going as far as suggesting the couple I've been with before in hopes I'd be more comfortable with the idea. I've told him time and time again I wouldn't be comfortable with it (at least for now), and that I feel he's trying to force me into it, to which he replies that he feels he's being "forced" into monogamy.

    At first I was so afraid to lose him that I didn't say too much on it, but I've become more and more firm on my stance the more he's insisted. I've told him that I'm not "forcing" him to do anything, that he is just as free to date other women and have sex with them as I am free in leaving him if he does so. He keeps saying how that answer isn't fair, and that I "care more about monogamy than our relationship". He also says how he feels more and more restrained at the thought of not being able to have sex with other people.

    Of course, the more he's insisted, the more uncomfortable I've been feeling with the entire situation.

    Ironically I don't know whether or not I would have been more ok with swinging once I felt our relationship was stronger, but at this point I'm getting more uncomfortable with the concept as he keeps bringing it up and insisting on how unhappy he would be in not doing so.

    I'm starting to feel as if our marriage is in limbo at this point. Any advice?
    Hi rose_bleu. to the Board and I really hope you get the answers you want regarding this. I have an opinion (I am very opinionated as you will see if you read my posts!) and I think you're right on on this.

    You're not forcing him into anything and I believe your reply to him was spot-on. He can do anything he wants as long as you're free to leave him. There is nothing fair in the LS, and that's not what the LS is about. It's about having fun and wanting to see your partner be happy. (my definition) and if anyone is keeping tabs, you need to back out of the LS and take a good hard look at your relationship with each other.

    I'm guessing there is an air of jealousy with him because you've experienced something he hasn't. My only advice is to talk. Communication is a wonderful tool. Hear him out and listen to what he's really saying. Not only hear the words, but listen and understand what he's really trying to say. He should do the same for you. He should really listen to what you have to say. If you don't understand each other, reiterate in a different way so that he will understand what you're trying to say.

    Good luck to you both. Please keep us informed how this is going.
    Dave & Holly

  13. #13
    Way too opinionated The Fuse's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    This is not really a swinging issue, since your husband offered it as some kind of weird compromise that he probably knows won't work, since you say you have no desire to have sex with other men.

    The way I see it, you have a few main issues. The first is kind of academic: what is "rational" or "irrational" in this situation? Are you rational to want a monogamous marriage? Is he irrational to demand to be free to pursue dating other women? I think it would help if you can actually articulate why you don't want him to date other women, and if he can actually articulate why he thinks he needs to, or at least explain the desire.

    For your part, I think it's important to put aside the *societal* expectation of monogamy being the norm and "of course" anyone who wants an open marriage is automatically in the wrong. Forget about society. Why do you, rose_bleu, need your husband to forsake all others? This is a very important question, and one that may take a while to get to the bottom of. You could try to answer the question of what specifically you think you would be losing if your husband pursues his desire for variety. Is the problem that you think you might lose him to another woman? Or lose more of his time, or his attention, than you're willing to give up? Or perhaps you simply believe deeply that married people should sleep only with each other? Your original post said that your current opinion is that monogamy is the lifestyle for you, after having some experience with other lifestyles. Maybe you will come up with different answers entirely.

    Most people in society "know" that married people should only have sex with each other for the health and stability of the marriage, and they "know" that a desire to have sex with others is an affront to them and their status as spouse. As swingers, we have come to believe this is not true. But swingers (by and large) also want both spouses to have the desire in more or less equal parts, and also to (mostly) participate together, couple to couple. Personally I don't think that is the only right answer. The right answer is some arrangement where both partners feel they are valued and happy in the relationship, and confident of its strength. If it sounds like I have spent some time thinking about this, you're right.

    For your husband's part, he needs to reach deep inside and explain what is motivating him so strongly to believe he needs to be "off his leash" or feel too caged to continue in a happy marriage. Is he looking for outside validation? Does he crave attention from new women for the excitement? Is he afraid of getting old, and needing to cram in all the "dating" he can before his time expires?

    My opinion is that perhaps once you have the answers to those questions, you could make headway on who is being rational or irrational. But that may not matter so much as the below.

    The other, more important issue is that you have what *could* turn out to be an irreconcilable difference, regardless of whether either of you comes to think of either position as rational or not. You need your husband to not date other women to be happy.. He needs to be free to date them in order to be happy. From what you write, he feels he doesn't have a way forward in the relationship unless he has this freedom. Also from what you write, you are not sure you can continue unless he agrees to stay faithful. By the way, if he does agree, I believe you are setting yourself up to find out one day that he is cheating. That urge for sexual freedom drives people to do things they never thought they would or could do.

    You two love each other, your sex life is good together, and everything else seems to be a go in the relationship. I hope you can find a way past this. It has already been difficult for you, and finding a way that you can both move forward and feel positive about your marriage will be a challenge unless one of you comes around to thinking about things in a different way.

    I hope you will continue to check in and let us know how things are going. I don't know you, but my thoughts are with you.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  14. #14
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    Just to clarify - you've been monogamous (both of you) the entire time you've been together, not just since you've been married?

    That said, don't ever let anyone ANYONE tell you that your feelings are irrational. Yes, sometimes our feelings are irrational, but that doesn't mean they should be valued any less (especially by someone who loves us).

    It sounds to me like your hubby is just looking for permission to cheat.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  15. #15
    Swingers Board Addict bi4me2's Avatar
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    Default Re: New, and Needing Help w/ Pressure!

    (him) Wow, so much to say about this!

    Love and relationships are about what both of you want and need while respecting the wants and needs of the other .... or as I like to say it is a 100% / 100% thing.

    What your husband is doing is taking his feelings into consideration above yours. This IMO is nothing short of selfishness and childish (at best).

    Swinging, open relationships or whatever people are 'into' is something BOTH have to be interested in, comfortable with and above all NOT forced into.

    He is, and I am sorry for saying this outloud, being manipulative. He is trying to manipulate you into something you don't want to do by using your past as an 'ace in the hole' .... not good, not good at all.

    While is seems like the two of you talk, one half of 'you' isn't listening ..... you need to sit him down and lay it out in no uncertain terms and again I am sorry to say this, let the chips fall where they may.

    If my wife came to me tomorrow and said "I don't ever want to do that again and here's why" I would respect her wishes. Why? Because she is my wife and more than anyone else I respect her and her wishes ... that is what a relationship is about.

    Wish I could sit down with your man and explain the facts of life to him cause he is acting more like a little boy rather than a man.

    Stick to your guns, only you know what's right for you and if he really loves and respects you he had better figure out his #1 job is respect for you.

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