question on who is responsible for paying?

[new2swinging200]

Ok guys we have started meeting singles and couples. The problem seems to be ...who is paying for the hotel and how it is going to happen. I dont know who is to pay and when it is your responsiblity.
Our current situation is that a single guy has been talking to us for a couple of months. We have finally agreed to meet, and he assumed that we would meet at our home which is a big no no since we have kids! I told him he would have to get a hotel. He said since we are the couple and we are wanting him as a play toy so to speak that we needed to pay for the hotel! I excused him from our yahoo list! Im not sure who was wrong here. We have also been talking to a couple that wants us to travel 4 hours to visit since they cant come here or meet in the middle..so in that case who is responsible? HELP

[RedRobin]

Sounds as if there was a bit of presumptiveness on everyone's part in this situation. I understand you might not want to invite him into your home with children present. Or even without children present. No problem there. I don't understand why either you or he would assume it is the other's responsibility to foot the bill for an experience that should be pleasurable for all involved.
In my opinion, the most equitable thing in this circumstance would be that he pay 1/3 of the bill as three people are involved. A 50-50 split might be OK but since there are two of you and one of him, I lean towards the 1/3 split.
As for traveling to meet the other couple, it is my opinion you are responsible for your own expenses. Of course, there are other factors to be considered. Are you talking just gas money for the travel? Or hotel? If hotel, I'm back to the 50-50 split. You don't say why they can't come to you, but if they could, would you feel it was your duty to pay their expenses?
The other thing to be considered as simplistic as it may sound. Who can best afford the expenses? That might be a minor consideration, but it is something to think about.
Honestly, and at risk of sounding quite harsh, if I was a single person and told by a couple that I had to pay all expenses for an evening with them, I would be the first to remove that couple from my yahoo list. Almost all things can be negotiated to the benefit of everyone.

RedRobin

I would just bring it up the same time you bring up the motel.

"We cant have you over our house so what do you say we go in on a motel room?"

Or,

"We can travel to come meet you, can we play at your house or do you want to go in on a motel room with us?"


Sounds reasonable to me.

[biblonde]

If you are playing in the hotel....it is split evenly. We dont invite people to our house since we have kids and nosey neighbors so if we dont play at their house we go 50/50 on the hotel. If it was a single person playing with us i would say 1/3 since there would be 2 of us and one of them. If someone suggested that we pay all because we are having them as a playtoy...then my answer would be bubye! We do have friends that cant afford to pay all the time and if i really want to play i pay for the room but that is at my choice!! And i put out the offer not them. never would i accept someone telling me i had to pay their way. After all WE would ALL be playing!

my 2 cents for the day!

[new2swinging200]

to answer a question from above..the single guy lives here in our town and we did offer to go to his home which he said that he has a room mate that wouldnt be interested in knowing his life. That is when he said that he suggested going to our home. I esplained to him and suggested that he get a hotel. At that point we did offer to pay half and it still did not satisfy him.
Next answer, no we didnt expect or ask for the couple we are going to see to pay any food, gas, or other expensises. We did ask that they pay half of the hotel since they will be staying there that night also. We didnt think that would be unreasonable since they were supposed to stay in our town before they couldnt come this way and we not only offered to pay for the hotel but also pay for us all to go to dinner just as a good faith friendship offer!
I was just need to make sure that it is ok to ask for them to share the cost of the hotel! I do appreciate the fact that you guys are helping out with this question! Thanks again.

[meowkittyhascla]

In my opinion, couples should split the room 50/50. If you are doing the inviting for a single, I think the invitation should include the couple getting the room. A considerate single will offer to buy the wine or some snacks. If you are meeting one on one...and this may sound old fashion...I think the gentleman should pick up the hotel bill, no matter who offered the invitation.
And, in a perfect world....I would have another house or apartment in the city for j ust playing in....now that would be way to much fun!!!!!

[RedRobin]

Your second post sounds far more reasonable. Thanks for taking the time to explain with more details. I don't think many people would have any problems with sharing expenses and sharing would be expected, I think. That is something all together different than expecting one person or couple to foot all the bills.

Thanks again!
RedRobin

[BettyAnnMBSC]

Hubby says in a couple + single male that the two men should split the motel 50/50 and that the F of the arrangement should not be asked to pay anything. He says "that's what a gentleman does"

This sounds a bit sexist and too PC for me but then I asked what about dinner? He suggested that the host should pay for the whole dinner for all three. Whoever made the invitation to "let's go get something to eat" would be the one who should pick up the tab....

He also contends that if the couple involved picks up dinner, motel, and travel for the single male addition then what they've really done is bought a male hooker since he is not invested at all in the transaction and only benefits (both sexually and financially). hmmmm. Not sure I completely agree -- but as long as I don't have to pay...

[viper31631]

As a single male, sorta, i'm actually now part of a triad. I'll add my two cents. I think for the most part it should be split 50/50 as there are two men. But, many times I will foot the bill if I feel like I made the invite.

[Brit_Pair]

Point of potential interest: for those who feel room costs should be split 66/33 - is that regardless of whether both people in the couple are salaried?

Were we to enter into this sort of scenario (and - like travelling faster than light - it's extremely unlikely) the room costs would have to be split 50/50. The 2 v 1 argument would have zero relevance. If the potential playmate had a problem with such a request, he'd be politely invited to take a flying f**k at the moon.

As for paying his transport costs and buying him dinner . . . HA! If we're going to get stuck with the whole bill, we'll hire a professional in the first place. That way, we can show him the door whenever we're ready without having to spare a thought for his feelings.

[JustAskJulie]

As others have said 50/50 is probably the "right" thing to do. Some singles may look at it and say "well there are two of you and one of me so you should pay 2/3".

If he is really single tho I would think he would be ok with hosting (unless he has roommates or something). If he's not willing to host and has no real good reason not to, I would be wondering about his actual status.

[fun_pairTX]

Our feelings are that the hotel gets split 50/50, anyone who would counter with the 66/33 argument would be immediately written off as a cheapskate. We wouldn't consider playing with a single at our place or theirs.

[RedRobin]

Well, thank goodness I left myself some wiggle room on this one with this statement:

"The other thing to be considered as simplistic as it may sound. Who can best afford the expenses? That might be a minor consideration, but it is something to think about."

There are always many variables to any situation, one of which was pointed out by Brit_Pair and that is the assumption that both members of the couple are salaried. In conjunction with that assumption, I'm also coming from the idea that as a rule, men make a larger salary than females and therefore, might have more disposable income. For me, personally, if I suggested a 1:3 split, it would not be because I'm a cheapskate, but simply because I could not afford more than that. And of course, it would have to do with the expense of the hotel involved. The Westin? Doubletree? I probably could not even afford the 1/3 at this time of the year. Motel 6? I could probably swing the entire room bill there if necessary.

Another variable for me: I would not consider meeting anyone that I didn't feel comfortable enough to simply state, "I can't afford the 50% just now. Can we make other arrangements?" And yeah, I admit I'm not an experienced swinger, but in my everyday life, I've had similar situations come up and that is what I base my response on. For what it's worth, I have several "couple" friends that I go out to dinner with occasionally, and as a rule, we split the bill with me paying 1/3 of whatever we order although they generally eat more expensive items than I do. If I go to their homes, I generally take a dessert or salad, while they serve steak. Is swinging so different that we simply dispense with courtesy and empathy because someone may not be fortunate enough to be able to afford what we can afford?

Now this in no way is intended to say that the single man in the original post was at all in order to demand that this couple pay his expenses. In that situation, I would have to quote Brit_Pair and agree "he'd be politely invited to take a flying f**k at the moon."

RedRobin

[RedRobin]

Well, thank goodness I left myself some wiggle room on this one with this statement:

"The other thing to be considered as simplistic as it may sound. Who can best afford the expenses? That might be a minor consideration, but it is something to think about."

Seems that my thoughts generated some rather heated responses.

There are always many variables to any situation, one of which was pointed out by Brit_Pair and that is the assumption that both members of the couple are salaried. In conjunction with that assumption, I'm also coming from the idea that as a rule, men make a larger salary than females and therefore, might have more disposable income (again assuming both members are salaried). For me personally, if I suggested a 1/3 split, it would not be because I'm a cheapskate, but simply because I could not afford more than that. And of course, it would have to do with the expense of the hotel involved. The Westin? Doubletree? I probably could not even afford the 1/3 at this time of the year. Motel 6? I could probably swing the entire room bill there if necessary.

Another variable for me: I would not consider meeting anyone that I didn't feel comfortable enough to simply state, "I can't afford the 50% just now. Can we make other arrangements?" And yeah, I admit I'm not an experienced swinger, but in my everyday life, I've had similar situations come up and that is what I base my response on. For what it's worth, I have several "couple" friends that I go out to dinner with occasionally, and as a rule, we split the bill with me paying 1/3 of whatever we order although they generally eat more expensive items than I do. If I go to their homes, I generally take a dessert or salad, while they serve steak. Is swinging so different that we simply dispense with courtesy and empathy because someone may not be fortunate enough to be able to afford what we can afford?

Now this in no way is intended to say that the single man in the original post was at all in order to demand that this couple pay his expenses. In that situation, I would have to quote Brit_Pair and agree "he'd be politely invited to take a flying f**k at the moon.”

RedRobin

[4Beauty2C]

I think if you play, you pay your share..