Etiquette question about phobias

[oriel]

I have a question that I would be interested in hearing people's reactions to.

I was swapping mails with a couple with a view to meeting, when it came up that they were big into body jewellery. Unfortunately, this is a showstopper for me.
That fact that I, a single male, stepped out of a promising contact should show you how strongly I feel about this. I think I bowed out reasonably gracefully and I hope they didn't take offence.

I am very squeamish about body piercings. I really don't like them in a partner. Is there established etiquette for communicating this kind of thing? I would think that other people have encountered similar situations with their own phobias. How did you deal with it?

I don't mean to offend all of you body jewellry fans. I see the appeal intellectually, it just doesn't work for me. In any case, it is really just my phobia I'm using as an example - I'm sure you have your own :-)

[Miss_Piggy]

Maybe you could just be upfront about it from the beginning. That way you wouln't have to waste you time/energy/hopes/whatever.

Personally, I'm into body piercing but I wouldn't even show a piercing to someone unless they asked to see it. I understand that some people don't like them and that's fine. Anyone with piercings should understand that they aren't everyone's cup of tea. As long as you were polite about it this couple has no reason to be upset in my humble opinion (Kermit gets upset at the acronyms )

~Piggy

[BiloxiCouple]

Be honest and up front about communicating likes and dislikes.

We are not mind readers and don't know your personal history and sometimes it is impossible to communicate everything.

I don't tell everyone I have a tattoo because I don't think about it, even though it is on my forearm. Just using that as an example.

Did I make sense this time?

[gsu22]

Honesty is always the best policy

[Brit_Pair]

If you don't like something, you don't like something. As long as you're honest about it upfront (as the other posters have already suggested), it's hard to imagine how reasonable people could feel offended.

[Elusive BiFem]

Hi Oriel! At first glance, I agreed with everyone...honesty is the best policy. But you know, I'm not so sure about that having thought of it.

You've only exchanged e-mails, so you don't really know these people. That being the case, I'm not certain that I would want to risk offending them over something that the majority of the population would probably have no problem with and especially if I thought it was really a "phobia" of mine and not something the general population would find offensive. I believe I would choose another avenue..."I've become involved with someone else,"...."Events in my life have changed,"....that sort of thing.

I suppose this would fall into the category of "those little white lies," but I really see no harm in that type of "dishonesty" when there is really nothing to be gained with total honesty other than the risk of offending someone.

The other thing that popped into my head...say you come across this couple later at a club, party...what then? Potentially, you've created some hard feelings that may not be forgiven.

All in all, total honesty is OK, I guess, but I see nothing wrong with tempering that honesty in certain situations. You can still be "honest" without being offensive to others.

If I was communicating with someone, everything else had fallen into place, and I LATER found out they were pierced, I think I would give it the benefit of doubt and continue the communication. In other words, I would not discount the entire relationship based upon that single aspect.

Out of curiosity, why do you call this a "phobia?" I'm not doubting that you seriously have an aversion to body piercing...that is apparent, but why do you feel so strongly about it? I don't like body piercings either, and if I just happened to meet someone - somewhere - and they were pierced, I most likely would never get to know them well enough to decide if I liked them enough to pursue a relationship or not. It is an immediate turn-off for me based on preconceived ideas, all of which are rather old-fashioned now-a-days. Sort of like motorcycle riders and Hell's Angels. Years back, anyone riding a motorcycle was a gang member, evil...well, today, many dress like Hell's Angels and ride their bikes on weekends then come Monday, put on their 3-piece suits and head to the office.

I'm certain I'll get bashed for taking the stance of less than total honesty. That's OK...go for it!

- EBF

[angihay]

I agree with most of the other posters honesty really is the best policy and if this is a phobia of yours you should bring it up in your likes dislikes part of the conversation with others just so it doesn't happen again. We have talked with people for a bit then they just disappear drives me nuts so be honest!Don't leave them wondering why ok.

[fun_pairTX]

If you have a profile on swingsights just include in a diplomatic fashion that body piercings are a turn off, It is that simple. Mrs Fun and I have a couple of niggles listed at the end of our profile of activities that we won't participate in, just because they are not our thing. We haven't ever gotten any hate mail over it.

[bear_n_bunny]

Bunny and I have been to this particular rodeo for a time now, and have tweaked our ads on places like Swing Lifestyle with regards to our likes and dislikes. In the case of body piercings and such, we make it clear that while we don't mind some piercing (pierced nipples are well-nigh ubiquitous these days), if you've got so many that you can't get through an airport metal detector, then thanks but no thanks. Same goes for tattoos. We can handle a few small ones, but that's about it.

Bottom line is that we make it clear what our likes and dislikes are in our profiles, and frankly the list is a long one. We hate having to do it that way, but we've found that if we don't, a lot of the contacts we get are from people that, quite frankly, we would not be caught dead with. And unfortunately, some people need to have things "spelled out" for them...

-- Bear

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
If you have a profile on swingsights just include in a diplomatic fashion that body piercings are a turn off, It is that simple. Mrs Fun and I have a couple of niggles listed at the end of our profile of activities that we won't participate in, just because they are not our thing. We haven't ever gotten any hate mail over it.

And that is an excellent point, fun_pair. If you've spelled it out on your ad, and someone STILL chooses to respond in spite of it, then I feel the onus is on them. With that, I have no hesitation to respond along the lines of "thank you, but no thanks...you obviously did not read my ad..." and I engage in no further conversation. And along those lines, if my likes/dislikes were clearly posted on my ad, we had engaged in conversation, and it later came out that they were pierced, etc., it would be evident they had NOT read my ad and the same reply would be warranted.

Thanks for the thoughts - EBF

Edit: saw Bear's post after this...same things apply...thanks Bear.

[oriel]

Elusive BiFem,

To answer your question, I refer to it as a phobia because I recognize it as an irrational dislike.

Thanks for the advice folks. I will go and tweak my ads.

[good times]

I wouldn't call it an irational, as I think you feel the same way as the majority of the people I know. Maybe your view is a little stronger than most but at least in my area most of the people we hang out with would feel similar to me in that I don't care for peircings, or tatoos for that matter, but if they aren't over done it wouldn't be a show stopper for us.

This is kind of funny because we went to a Haloween party the other night and their was a couple their that had gone a little overboard with the tatoos (in my opinion) and when we were on our way home I commented to the wife that I sure wish the tatoo and peircing craze would hurry up and pass. Of course what comes next could always be worse.

R

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by oriel
Elusive BiFem,

To answer your question, I refer to it as a phobia because I recognize it as an irrational dislike.

Thanks for the advice folks. I will go and tweak my ads.

Hi again, oriel, and thanks for the answer. I was just curious if your phobic feelings stemmed from a safety factor along the lines of HIV/AIDS, or if it was just a strictly mental response to the piercings. Not that it really matters...sorta like my "phobia" about scary movies...I just have an irrational dislike for them.

Thanks again! - EBF

[JustAskJulie]

body jewelry is just like any other preference you have regarding meeting people (whether it be appearance, smoking, drinking, etc). Just include it in your add when you post one and include it in your list of turn ons/offs when you are talking with others.

If you are scared to discuss something as simple as the little things that cause you to lose interest, it will be very hard when you actually get to the point of having sex to discuss what turns you on/off in bed.