Stood up - Second chance or forget about it?

[riffnbrat]

Lets see we met a guy (couple) on line last Friday night and agreed to meet out for drinks lastnight.. We talked for a while and sent a pic to them.. He said they didnt have one to send so we still agreed to meet with them.. We went to the place we agreed on and waited 2 hrs and nobody walked up to us to say they were there to meet with us. Would that be considered being stood up ? If they werent interested shouldnt they have said something befor we all went off line Friday night... ????? Should we try meeting with them again or just say forget it with them ? thx Brat

[Elusive BiFem]

I'd venture a yes.

Others might be more lenient in their attitudes. Have they attempted to contact you since? I doubt it.

Same trick many of have fallen for...you were probably talking to some guy with or without a wife, but most probably with a wife with no interest or knowledge of her husbands on-line activities. If there was a wife at all.

That is the exact reason I will not meet anyone without a phone conversation with BOTH - and especially the female. Not ever.

Now...I did meet, without benefit of phone conversation, the Alura's for dinner while they were visiting Dallas, but that was a purely social situation and from his post on this Board, it was evident the type of person/people they are. That was quite different than just having a brief e-mail chat with someone.

Lessons learned. Don't feel bad. Most of us have been there, done that. Frustrating, tho', isn't it.

- EBF

[Mich149]

I think you know the answer to this already. I know you really wanted to meet this couple but from what we have found out some people just like to tease and/or play games. They may come up with a reason later why they didn't come, or might even blame you for miss information but can you say you can really trust them again?

[riffnbrat]

You know i can honestly say i will not go out again to look for them.. That is what i thought : that the wife more than likely didnt know about hubby's doings. All in all my hubby and I had a great night out with out the kids.. It just frustrated us that i spent a good part of the day looking for a sitter for the kids and then we didnt even meet a new friend.. Even just for drinks and nothing eles.. Well all i can hope for is better luck next time and it will not be on a sper of the moment thing...... I just felt real sad that the night ended up like it did.... Hey when u visit 5 bars in one night since the people u planed on meeting didnt show up and still have fun id say that is a good thing right? Thx u all plz keep talking with us



Im the BRAT

[fun_pairTX]

Ya I would call that stood up alright. We don't leave home without the other couples home phone number, and a cell number if possible. Also we always talk to BOTH on the phone before agreeing to any meeting. There are a ton of wannabees out there that "play" at swinging right up to the point where they need to be proactive, then back down.

[OhioCouple]

I don't quite agree that you were 'stood up' per se...however you were most likely duped. I'll bet there was never an intention to show up and like some of the others have said, he probably has a wife that has no damn clue what he is doing. I like to call these people 'armchair masturbationists'. Chances are it was a pic collector and you fell into his clutches.

We don't necessarily require a phone number from anyone, and we have met with many that didn't have pics on their profiles/ads. We have been fortunate in the respect that they all showed, (and several that we wished hadn't), (regardless, same as you) if one had not, we had taken the time to choose somewhere that we both like and the evening would not have been a total loss. Awesome that ya'll had a good time in spite of the circumstances.

Don't let it get you down. It is all part of the learning process. After a while, you'll be able to spot the *real* people from half a world away.

[Elusive BiFem]

After reading OhioCouple's comments, I wanted to add something.

She mentioned they have met with some without benefit of phone contact, and that does work sometimes, but if I recall prior posts correctly, they have spent time getting to know people rather well via e-mail or chat.

I believe that many of us fall into the trap of being "too eager" early on. As if that is the only person or couple that will ever talk to us or agree to meet with us. The only opportunity we'll ever have to meet someone! And for that reason, we enter into these first few meetings not really knowing the person/people we are going to meet...not taking the time to get to know them well via e-mail or IM...kind of being intimidated into setting up a meeting. Afraid that if we tell them to slow down...we want to get to know them...they'll go away and never come back. And some do. They don't want to take the time to get to know you.

My attitude now is so sorry. And believe me, I know there are probably about 50:1 that don't want to take the time. Again. So sorry. They're loss. Not mine. Some might say I have a bad attitude, but this is a game I'm going to play according to my rules until I'm 150% comfortable. No exceptions. And these are lessons learned along the way. Once I'm comfortable with someone, I can be real easy to get along with, but until that comfort level is reached, I can be as stubborn as a whole herd of billy goats.

Every now and then, we get into a debate about the real definition of swinging, but really, it is something that is defined by each of us individually (or each couple) according to their own needs. My way, my rules may not meet your needs and that's not a problem. Just define your terms for yourselves and stick to them. In other words, if you are OK with meeting/playing on first date, that's OK for you. If you are OK with minimal chat prior to scheduled meeting, that's OK for you. There are pitfalls no matter what plan you choose. But at least, if you've chosen the plan, you will feel comfortable with the outcomes. Make sense?

- EBF

[NHNewbies]

I think you were definetly stood up. We have been there before and like you just enjoyed the night with out the kids. In my opinion the worst thing that happened to us that night was that we spent a night out alone without the kids. We still had a great time, it was their loss.

[fun_pairTX]

Maybe the phone # and pic requirement isn't for everyone, but we have never been stood up..................

[Handyman69]

By requiring a picture of them and a contact number (everyone has a cell # these days) We only had one couple that got scared and backed out at the last minute.....we didn't really get stood up as we didn't go as th4ey were suppose to get back with us to confirm things. We did get together at a later date and had a great time. They were also the only couple that we didn't talk to over the phone (now a must). couples who don't want to work out these simple prerequesites are not really serious about this Lifestyle........
John & Rhonda

[BodyScape02]

Hmmmm.....we don't really use the phone. Instead we like to chat a lot online using yahoo and get to know them. Then, if we do make a date we'll exchange cell numbers in case either of us has to cancel or gets lost... We've had no problems yet, but then again, we don't try to meet a TON of people in person.

[yawanna]

Yes I agree....it definitely sounds like you were stood up. If something had gone wrong for them at the last minute preventing them from keeping your appointment, the onus is on THEM to get in touch with YOU and explain the circumstances. If you haven't heard from them by now, then ya..... they stood you up.

[Alura]

Several years ago we had made dinner dates with two couples on successive nights, one couple on Friday and one on Saturday.

We mentioned to the Friday couple that we had a date the following night. "I hope it's not 'John & Mary'!" the husband said.

We were shocked because it was!

"They won't show up," he told us. "They're pretty famous for that among the swingers in Tulsa. They will be in the building but won't come up to you to introduce themselves." It was from this couple that we got a detailed description of the Saturday couple.

We went to the restaurant. Soon after we arrived, a couple came in who fit the description exactly. They sat at a table across from us and seemed to argue heatedly for about ten minutes. When the waiter approached them, they waved him off and soon got up and left.

We never contacted them again, of course, and always figured we were lucky. We don't need to try to build a friendship with people like that. We might have felt undesirable had we not known they were following the usual method of operation.

Mr. Alura

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
...I believe that many of us fall into the trap of being "too eager" early on. As if that is the only person or couple that will ever talk to us or agree to meet with us. The only opportunity we'll ever have to meet someone! And for that reason, we enter into these first few meetings not really knowing the person/people we are going to meet...not taking the time to get to know them well via e-mail or IM...kind of being intimidated into setting up a meeting. Afraid that if we tell them to slow down...we want to get to know them...they'll go away and never come back. And some do. They don't want to take the time to get to know you.
...

Oh my, yes! That was us at first. We were so excited that anyone was talking to us. For one thing, that set us up for disappointment when they turned out not to be 'real' couples or did not want to take things further. Also, it caused us to rush into our first encounter without really getting to know the other person, and that did not turn out well. Thanks, EBF, for a very insightful post.

One thing I wanted to add is this: I have heard sometimes these 'armchair masturbationists' (love that term O!) do show up, but since you don't know what they look like, you don't know that. They lurk in the corner of the bar or restaurant watching you, but never introduce themselves. Creepy, eh? You never know if that picture they sent is really them, you know? That's why we would always choose a well populated meeting place, and if we got stood up, I'd be checking over my shoulder when I left to make sure no one was following us. Can't be too careful...

-B

[hmr]

They didn't show up, haven't bothered to contact you with an explanation or apology. I would definitely say you were stood up. You can call it what ever you want. "Duped by an armchair masturbationist", some looser yankin your chain to get his jollies. Either way you made plans, and had a no show!

We get a feel for the people by email or IM before setting up a meeting. Once we decide to meet we exchange cell #s in case any problems arise for either party. If a picture was not available, I do not hesitate to ask for one. I like to know whom I am looking for. There is a time and place for groping in the dark! Finding someone I have never met in a restaurant, or bar is not it!!

Don't let it discourage you. It has happened to most of us, atleast once. Never ever, take it personal,Remember always...it was their loss!!


mrs. hmr