How long to wait after leaving message before making other plans?

[The Fuse]

Hi all,

Just a niggling little question of etiquette... there's a couple we met for lunch a few weeks ago. We all hit it off, but didn't play and haven't seen them since. A few days ago they asked us to call them, and we are pretty sure they are interested. Today, I called and left a message asking about doing something next Saturday (preferred) or Friday night. Hopefully we will hear from them soon. We'll call them Couple 1. They seem like good people and a lot of fun.

But then, an hour later, we spoke on the phone to another couple we've been emailing with. They asked us to get together next Saturday night. We'll call them Couple 2. Here's our quandry: we feel like it would be rude to Couple 1 to make plans with Couple 2 before giving Couple 1 a reasonable chance to reply to our voice mail. Now we are trying to figure out how long is "reasonable".

How about you? Would you make plans with Couple 2 right away, since we all know how hard it is to actually make plans with people? Or would you politely say you're waiting for a reply from someone you'd already asked about that night? I feel like we are trying to make a date for the prom or something.

We told Couple 2 we'd call them either way by tomorrow evening. I figure that is enough time to be polite to Couple 1. I am willing to bet they get their messages quickly in general, although they sometimes reply to those messages promptly and sometimes don't.

I just don't like seeming flaky, and am trying to follow the Golden Rule. If it were me in Couple 1's place, I wouldn't feel slighted by the way we have handled it.

Opinions?

[LFM2]

I'm not sure how long I'd wait. It's pretty much a whole week away and yet the plans need to be pat to be ready for fun, huh?

I guess I'd give the couple 1 until tomorrow or so. After that, it would be their loss until the next open weekend. We wouldn't let any couple know that we were waiting for another couple to answer us. I would never want another couple to feel they were second or not first choice, ya know?

[JustAskJulie]

I'd let couple #2 open, that you have tentative plans for next Saturday but you aren't really sure how pat they are, then give Couple #1 through tomorrow to give you a call back. It's not like it's email, I'm sure they already have gotten your message and may have to make arrangements of their own to see if they are available. But, I would think that much time would be enough.

Since you gave them 2 different days to possibly get together, they can't expect you to keep them both open indefinately. And if they do get back to you later and want to get together on Saturday night, you have two options.

1. Invite them to join you and Couple #2. It could be fun or it could crash and burn. It could also be a saving grace if couple #2 turns out to be a dud (since you know you've already hit it off with Couple #1).

2. Tell them that something has since come up for Saturday night and you are no longer available, but you are still free Friday.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by LFM2

I'm not sure how long I'd wait. It's pretty much a whole week away and yet the plans need to be pat to be ready for fun, huh?

The question is more about how long to reserve a proposed night when Couple 1 hasn't said okay to that night yet. I see that as a different question from how far in advance we usually like to make plans.

Around here, there isn't a club that's open every weekend, so when plans fall through we have to either just stay home or figure something out at the last minute. We find that if we want to see someone, we prefer to have "plans", meaning everyone has said we'd see each other that night and will not make other plans. We can wait till the day of the date to decide what we all want to do.

We also find that when we hear "Oh yeah, give us a call that day", or otherwise don't have a definite night agreed upon, that we end up with nothing to do. People are generally flaky. It is annoying to think you are going to see someone on a certain day, only to find out they have flaked out on you. We don't do that to other people, and we don't like it when it's done to us. We don't go out every weekend in general, so when we think we are going out, we look forward to it.

Originally Posted by LFM2

I guess I'd give the couple 1 until tomorrow or so. After that, it would be their loss until the next open weekend. We wouldn't let any couple know that we were waiting for another couple to answer us. I would never want another couple to feel they were second or not first choice, ya know?

Good point. I tried to make it clear to Couple 2 that we had already made tentative plans for that night. I hope they don't take it as a "second choice" type of thing. When they asked during our phone call, I stumbled a bit and shouldn't have mentioned Couple 1, just tentative plans.

Even if Couple 1 were second choice, we have already asked them, and we're not the type to just "un-ask". I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me. However, if I hadn't replied for over a day to a voice mail message asking for plans, I'd think no worse of the other couple if they made other plans.

Thanks for your input. And Julie, you are right that we gave them two days as possibilities, so they can't expect us to keep both open.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

...if I hadn't replied for over a day to a voice mail message asking for plans, I'd think no worse of the other couple if they made other plans.

You feel this way but other people may not. Sometimes people will wait til a day before the suggested meet to finally check in and it's either "we're a go" or "we can't get away" - either way, they have left you waiting for days, keep you wondering, and lessen your possibility for making other plans should they fall through.

Some people aren't good about getting back promptly and you have to help them along.

When we suggest a date to meet we always say we'd like to hear back from them by_____. This way if they don't get back to us by that time we feel they should understand if we've made other plans. The further out the meet date the more time we give people to get back to us. Typically, if we want to meet a month away, we ask them to get back within a week. If we want to meet in a week, we ask them to get back within 24 hours.

LM

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

When we suggest a date to meet we always say we'd like to hear back from them by_____.
LM

That is great advice! Thank you!

[lizandtom]

Fuse, you are sooo right about many people being flaky about committing to a date. With that said call couple 1 and simply say that you haven't heard back from them in a week, and "how's it looking?" The implication should be enough that they know you're serious and if their answer is wishy washy then simply say that you'd like to firm up plans or not by later today, if they could get back to you. You'll either get a. it's a go with couple 1, b. couple 1 can't make it so make plans with couple 2 , or c. you don't hear back from couple 1 , and since you've made it clear that you'd like an answer by today, that you are free to make plans with couple 2. Be direct! Lifestyle time is precious! Like Julie said, if you make plans with couple 2 , and if couple 1 all of a sudden decides they're free , you could [if ok with couple 2 to whom you are now committed] invite them along but 3 couples is VERY risky. No doubt you will connect closely with one of the other couples, but the chances are high that one couple will also not feel the attraction to the other couple that you hoped would occur which would have negative long term implications for you and the third wheel couple.

[fun4Ds]

How about all 6 of you getting together at the same time ?

[LikeMinds321]

Like lizandtom, I wouldn't recommend suggesting a meet with both couples at the same time. Too many things can go wrong and it will pressure you to give equal attention to both couples - when you may not want to because you find that you're only clicking with one couple, even though both are interested in you. Someone can feel left out. Finding a 4-way match with another couple is hard enough, finding three couples (a 6-way) the odds are even slimmer.

Please let us know how things turn out.

LM

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Like lizandtom, I wouldn't recommend suggesting a meet with both couples at the same time. Too many things can go wrong and it will pressure you to give equal attention to both couples - when you may not want to because you find that you're only clicking with one couple, even though both are interested in you. Someone can feel left out. Finding a 4-way match with another couple is hard enough, finding three couples (a 6-way) the odds are even slimmer.

Please let us know how things turn out.

LM

Here's an update, boring though it is.

Couple 1, not unsurprisingly, have so far ignored their voice mail. After our interactions with them so far, I think they are probably the type that like to do things at parties rather than make 2-on-2 dates. They had wanted us to come to a NYE party. And we wanted to go, but ended up not going out at all due to extenuating circumstances. It was all we could do a month ago to find a time to meet for lunch, after emailing and calling for a couple of months before that. So I figure when and if we hear from them again about seeing them at a party, that will be our best chance to see them, and I'll let it go otherwise.

Couple 2 had asked about Saturday night, right after we had left the voice mail for Couple 1. After giving Couple 1 over a day to reply, I called Couple 2 again. Now, they may not be able to get together Saturday after all, because the husband works out of state and may have to cover for someone this weekend. They said they would know on Monday and would let us know. Today's Tuesday. If we don't hear by tomorrow, I'll ping them via email. They said if not this Saturday, then the following one. We have no reason not to believe them.

Meanwhile, there is a Couple 3. First contact via email and chat was on Sunday. They want to get together not this weekend, but next weekend, making it a possible conflict with Couple 2. They have to check with their babysitter and should know by this weekend. Following LikeMinds321's advice, I told them if we didn't hear from them by then, we'd be back in touch.

So, we are talking to three couples about getting together, but have no dates. It is tempting to just ask everyone we know about a single night, and then go out with whoever responds first. All three of these couples look great and we are happy they seem interested. But ... that and $3.95 will get us a latte, I suppose. Just the usual frustrations.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

So, we are talking to three couples about getting together, but have no dates. It is tempting to just ask everyone we know about a single night, and then go out with whoever responds first. All three of these couples look great and we are happy they seem interested. But ... that and $3.95 will get us a latte, I suppose. Just the usual frustrations.

Meet one for coffee, one for dinner and the third for desert.

Or just plan to visit a local club (vanilla or swinger) and let all 3 know you will be there and hope one shows up.

On the other hand, of the choices, I'd rather have this problem than the opposite (not finding anyone who wants to meet).

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Meet one for coffee, one for dinner and the third for desert.

{Grin} Great ideas... they all live in a great big huge triangle, each probably 45 minutes from the others with us near one point of it. Maybe we could do multiple meets in a single day if it happens that way.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Or just plan to visit a local club (vanilla or swinger) and let all 3 know you will be there and hope one shows up.

Also a good idea. We wouldn't try to arrange a "meet" (e.g. dinner or play date) with more than one unfamiliar couple at a time, because we are just not that comfortable with that. But a party is a different thing. Next club party, perhaps we will do this.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

On the other hand, of the choices, I'd rather have this problem than the opposite (not finding anyone who wants to meet).

Hear, hear. We are very flattered at their interest.

Thanks for your replies and input!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Also a good idea. We wouldn't try to arrange a "meet" (e.g. dinner or play date) with more than one unfamiliar couple at a time, because we are just not that comfortable with that. But a party is a different thing. Next club party, perhaps we will do this.

We do this too when we have a few couples we tried to match dates for a private meet but couldn't come up with a date. In those cases we wait until we are going to be at the club and then e-mail a few couples letting them know when we'll be at the club "to see friends" and hope they can make it; we tell them "if you can make it we can all look for each other and say hello." Mind you, we only do this if we don't have plans to go with friends; we know when we go to a club we'll always run into people we know. We don't want the couples we invite thinking we are only going in order to be with them, or if they should make it that our intent is to spend the whole night with them, should they arrive. But the invite does let them know we are still interested in meeting them.

Having a number of people contact you at the same time for a meet is a boost to your ego, but it can be hard to get the meetings arranged when working with multiple couples at the same time. For this reason we only ever write to one couple at a time, if a private meet doesn't work out, we write to the next couple on our interest list.

LM

[sweet_tna]

While frustrating, it is a nice problem to have. I'd have done what you ended up doing: waiting a couple days for Couple 1 to respond before scratching them and setting plans with Couple 2. In the event that neither worked out, we'd simply tell them we'd hope to run into them at the next club/party we planned to attend. It's just simpler that way, especially when people tend to flake out so much.

Hope you end up getting to meet at least one of these couples, and that it goes well.

=)

[The Fuse]

Very well put, BiloxiCouple.

As an update: none of Couples 1, 2 or 3 has ever come through. Couple 1 ignored our phone call. I figure they are party people, so if we see them at a party, fine. Otherwise I am giving up.

Couple 2, after saying "if not this weekend, then next weekend", has so for ignored our "hey, sorry it didn't work out this weekend, we're still game for next weekend, so let us know" email. Giving up on them too. Couple 3, after saying they would know about this weekend by last weekend, has ignored their email too.

Maybe I should call in these cases instead of emailing, since they have given me their numbers. I get shy about doing that because I don't want to be pushy. Maybe next time this happens with different people, I'll try the phone and see what happens.

However, we went out with Couple 4 and Couple 5 last weekend. Couple 4 is a repeat, and happily so. Nice people, not showy, but the conversation and laughs flow, and they are reliable. Amazing how sexy that word is starting to sound to me. We enjoyed our time with them very much and hope to continue seeing them.

We met Couple 5 for drinks, but didn't play. Everyone was tired and frankly, we don't like playing twice in one weekend, partly because I get sore after a great romp . We had played with them four times last year and hope to do so again. We'll see.

Our plans with each couple got made two days in advance. I know we are in the minority in liking to have a night designated a week or two ahead of time, so... sigh. Live and learn. Adapt.