Swinger Friends divorcing, ok to play with 1/2 of the couple?

[bimrdcpl]

Ok all you have seen in some of the posts that Hubby and I became friends with our first couple. They had some problems and are now getting divorced. The female has all but ignored us. We have tried calling her numerous times, emailed, etc. She did email us back once months ago and said she was staying away from any friends at the moment so as not to confuse herself with her decision. Because when she did she would talk about it and feel that she wasnt doing the right thing. Which in a way is understandable. But no contact since then. Ok no biggie I guess

But here is where the problem lies. This past weekend guess who shows up on our front porch. The male of the couple. He has been trying to get in contact with us for quite awhile but his soon to be exwife wouldnt give him our phone number for some reason so he found us by driving through the park looking for our house. Anyway we had a nice visit and chatted caught up on old times (its been about 4 months since we all talked) well the conversation got around to he hasnt been with anyone for a few months and he really misses being with us. And if we ever wanted to hook up with him he was up for it.

Now, being that they are definatly getting a divorce and she pretty much doesnt want anything to do with us....what should we do?

Actually writing this out helped me a little. He is still married so that would really be cheating and we dont like that. But what about after the divorce? Is it bad "etiquette" to go with only half of the couple after a break up?

[LadyandLordAro]

You are right to still consider it cheating at this point..in YOUR own mind. After all, until their are "papers" you can't really ascertain what is going on in someone else's head. Admittedly, these aren't people you have known forever..which would make your decision easier( sex or not).

Other than that, if it is comforable for you..go with the one that makes the first overtures of friendship. Chances are, one spouse is trying to leave an entire past, the other just wants to be rid of a spouse.

[LadyandLordAro]

HAVE NOT known forever..big difference

[bimrdcpl]

A couple of things I forgot to mention.

In our discussion with him he told us that She told Him that everything she did in the lifestyle was for him. She didnt enjoy any of it. First big slap in the face for me. I felt pretty cheap and used. But thats another subject entirely. Not sure if she said it to be mean or if she really meant it. Cant really ask her so have to take it as he told it.

And the other thing is even if it doesnt go sexually with him again we are still going to be friends. They have children that are the same ages as ours. He gets them every other weekend and we plan on getting them all together to play. So its not really a matter of maintaining the friendship part.

[LadyandLordAro]

She has already answered your question for you. I would still give it time tho before deciding sex or no.

[JustAskJulie]

I think you have pretty much already answered your own questions. The lady of the couple has made the decision not to be involved with you on any level, so what she thinks of whether or not you choose to continue any sort of relationship with her (soon to be) ex is really irrelevant.

If you want to continue a friendship with the guy, go for it. Once the divorce is final, if you want to return to a sexual relationship, go for it too.

[OhioCouple]

I agree with Julie. Not only have you pretty much answered your own questions, but there is no reason that you cannot continue a realtionship with the male half and then after the divorce if you want to pick up where you left off in the manner of a threesome then go for it. If you enjoyed this person before when he was part of a couple, then there is no reason to disclude him as friend or if you like as a swinging partner, down the road.

Lori

(Is disclude a word???)

[Brit_Pair]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
(Is disclude a word???)

Don't think so. Exclude would work though.

[bimrdcpl]

Yeah after posting it and walking away and then going back and looking at it I saw that I did answer my own question. But it always does help to get someone elses opinion and thank you all for it.

[joseph3d]

We would not rush into anything with the male except to be cordial until some time passes after the divorce. As for the woman partner who is staying away for now, you really do not know her side of this, and she is not willing to confuse her feelings for mutual friends with her decision to divorce him. That's understandable.

Also, the comment that she told him that she did swinging for him only and never enjoyed it does not ring true.

[babydragon]

You are stuck in a catch 22 situation here and I wouldn't swop places with you for anything. You are between a rock and a very hard place but in the end you really need to trust your own instincts. This is just a kinda thing I would do but make a list of questions and then answer them, you'll find that your own instincts will guide you well. I'll add a kinda example list I would use in your situation.

1. He said she said (bad thing) but do you think she was not enjoying it?

2. She's totally backed off from any type of contact, what does that tell you? (has she backed off from her old none swingers friends also?)

3. OK they are divorcing, do you think you'd really want to bring a freshly divorced guy into your bed? (how would your hubby feel about this?)

On a side note: If you feel the need to ask these questions in the first place then you already have wanring bells going off in your head, maybe it's time to listen to them.

Good Luck

[bimrdcpl]

Babydragon, Thanks for your help. And everyone else too.
But I think we are just going to keep it on the friend level for now. He is actually a great guy and to lose his friendship just because they divorced well I dont think its to fair to him. He's already losing so much and needs some kind of support system behind him.

As far as your questions,
1. yes she seemed like she wasnt enjoying it. I got that feeling when we did anything. Like it was a show. But it was our first time swinging with anyone and we learned some valueable lessons with that one.

2. No she hasnt lost contact with any of her none swinging friends. We have one in common and well thats just how it is I guess.

3. Like I said before, keeping it on the friend level. And Hubby really enjoyed playing with this guy. So it wouldnt of bothered him at all. We talked about it since and we are happy with our decision.

Thanks for all your help guys and girls, it is really appreciated.
Dawn

[Alura]

We had almost exactly the same situation. We never heard from the wife, who had left her husband of 30 years for a co-worker who also left his wife and family.

The husband wanted to continue doing threesomes, but Mrs. Alura was adamant that we keep our agreement to play only with couples. We made it clear that we wanted him to remain our friend, and would try to help him find a new lady to play with, but would not break our rules.

He called and chatted a couple of times, dropped by once, but the contact became more and more infrequent. We haven't heard from him in some time. It has been sad to lose his friendship, but we won't pay for friendship with sex.

I think you made the right decision. Mrs. Alura is out of town but I'm sure she will agree.

Mrs. Alura

[zipmass]

I (we) are new to this site. We have had a couple of (private not club "swinger" experiences) with 2 other couples.
So being really new to this life style, we have been thinking about going to a Swinger 's Club. Our problem seems to be that we do not know what you are supposed to do or not do inside the Club.We do not know what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior inside. Since it will be just me and her going, its not like we are going with another couple that can kind of guide us thru the process. What do you do inside the Club? What happends inside the Club. If some could kind of give us a run dow of normal activity in side a Club,, it would be great.

Zipmass

[coolwetbreeze]

Sounds to me that she was just doing everything for the soon to be ex husband...But why should that be a slap in the face for you?
Unfortunately you will find that there are alot of people doing this for different reasons. Now on to the husband. OFCOURSE he is looking to continue with the sexual relationship....He is now a single male...Poor guy. I agree that it is not a good idea to play with a newly divorced man...not because of your husband having any worries about it, but because this guy needs to get his life back in shape. Playing is the last thing he should be worrying about. I have the feeling that he isn't looking to keep the "friendship" if there isn't going to be sex involved. I may be wrong but only time will tell. I would hate for you to feel another slap when he looks else where for friendship with benefits.