Non-playing first meet - to tell or not?

[yourbitterpill]

Just wanted to get everyone's opinion on this.

My wife and I have been speaking with another couple lately and would like to meet up. Last weekend they asked if we could go to dinner. Unfortunately, we had to decline because of time constraints that day.

We'd like to get together with them this weekend. However, one of us works this weekend, so we'll be a bit too tired to play. Should we mention that there will (most likely) be no playing (just so we don't get their hopes/expectations up) and it'll just be social or should we just keep it to ourselves?

Thanks in advance for any help.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by yourbitterpill

We'd like to get together with them this weekend. However, one of us works this weekend, so we'll be a bit too tired to play. Should we mention that there will (most likely) be no playing (just so we don't get their hopes/expectations up) and it'll just be social or should we just keep it to ourselves?

Thanks in advance for any help.

I would share that information. The more you communicate, the better it tends to go.

[BiloxiCouple]

Believe in Honest Abe.

[lovinher]

Of course you should tell them. If they have a problem with it would they be someone you want to play with? AND...Ask yourself what if the roles were reversed?

[LikeMinds321]

yourbitterpill ~

From your OP it sounds like you've never met these people, so I will assume this would be a first meet with them.

If neither of you have communicated that you expect to play on the first meet, than I think it's presumptuous to bring "not being able to play" into the first meet arrangements.

1. How do you know you'll even want to play, that night or any other time with them until you meet them?

2. How do they know they'd be interested in playing with you until they meet you?

We've found that most swingers - including ourselves - never want to be going to a first meet with any pressure of play being expected or that it's presumed play is the purpose at our first meet. Rather, we all go into it as a 'test' to see how we all click. Most always if we do click, we play on that first meet. But there have been plenty of first meets where we didn't all jive and it was merely a friendly get together. We said our goodbyes after dinner or drinks and left without feeling anyone was mislead.

I would tell them that one of you will have just gotten off work so you'll probably be making it a shorter night (or something like that) but this will let them know the circumstances of your energy level and will be enough information to prepare them.

Or, you could suggest setting another time when you won't be working, so that if you all decide you'd like to make it a 'later' night, you'll have the energy for it.

LM

[SouthBond]

It sounds like nervous jitters. Not sure what type of work you do, but just going to eat with another couple doesn't take much energy. Husbands are notorious for having the idea of a full blown orgy and failing to tell anyone else. Especially the other spouse. Then you meet and suddenly sex and swapping is injected into the conversation and somebody gets real upset. You are just going shopping.

[yourbitterpill]

Thanks for all the advice.

No, this isn't "nervous jitters". We've done this before but have never run into this situation. It's not about expectations but that we really wouldn't have the energy to play. Before, it's always been open-ended.

And "the work" is a 10-hour manual labor job

[lost_j1]

No need to feel anything about it. Just be open with the couple. Let them know from jump what is going on. I would rather know a few days in advance that the meeting might not happen then the day of. Explain that you work long hours and their might not be no play. We have meet couple for dinner and lunch just as a get to know and see if we click kind of thing. Holding things back might create some kind doubt with the other couple. I hate to be stringed along and play it by ear with a couple. So we let them know what is going on and what can be expected if we meet. Just treat them the way you would like to be treated, that simple... ENJOY

JAY!!!

[DBL D]

I'd say go with the flow...if it has happened before. You never know how you will react when the right situation presents itself and suddenly you spring to attention! If it's in your profile that you usually don't play on the first date, I'd say that is sufficient.

We are meeting a couple tonight. We don't expect to play...I think they understand that. It's good enough to just meet someone even if you probably won't have a chance to play for a while. Scheduling you know. All depends on the couple. This couple is one where she sorta feels the need to speak for him, or "protect" him. Not sure how this will go.

Wish us luck!

Male D

[ShellyM]

I think that it should be mentioned...something along the lines of "hey, we have been working hellish hours and may be exhausted, so if we don't feel like playing is that okay?" Most couples would be like sure, not a problem. I just think that being as open as you can suffices. It doesn't hurt to let them know, so they don't get the impression that you aren't into them, or not attracted. You have every right not to play when you are tired or uncomfortable. But you just cannot be too open.
Shell

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

Hello,
Laurie and I have a "no play on the first meeting" rule. We used to play on the first meeting and discovered there were a few people we regretted getting naked with once we knew them better. I always mention that we have that rule in the pre-meeting conversations so there's no expectation of sex that first time. We figure if someone is so impatient that they can't spend at least one evening getting to know us before we get naked then they aren't the sort we want to play with anyhow.

[TwoLittleBirds]

We would never be offended if someone said they just wanted "dinner and drinks" on the first meet. We basically feel that way anyhow, but I think any reasonable adult would understand that. And it saves 1 ) having to worry about how to explain it during the 'date' and 2 ) anxiety leading up to the date about how you'll explain it. Situation has already been dealt with, right?

[WesternSwing]

If it was us, we'd be honest with them. We'd tell them "we really want to meet you over dinner, but we have to work in the morning so we need to turn in early, so we can't play tonight." If they "are all that", they'll understand.

Mr. WS

[ShellyM]

We do not have a set rule against playing on the first meet with a new couple.
However, what we have found in our experience is that people tend to have certain expectations when you say you will meet up with them unless it is understood that you may NOT play that evening. So we have started being a little more neutral. We will tell a couple something along the lines of "we will be at club so and so around 9:30...if y'all are available that evening definately come on over and we would love to party with y'all." We do not put any agreements to sex at all in there. This gives THEM a way to play with other couples as well in case we are not attractive to them.
Shelly