Playing with a couple who just played with our friends???

[HappyCouple2308]

We are super new to swinging and I feel like I have made a mistake here. I will say what happened, and you guys can beat me up... LOL

We have played with a couple in the past (once). It turns out that we have more in common with them out of the bedroom than in, both very nice people, but our kids have become friends and we seem to run into them a lot at non-swinger events. We enjoy their company more without the sex.

Now a third couple has come into the picture. They are meeting with our friends on Friday, and us on Saturday. I was chatting with the male from the new couple and he was asking about our friends. Of course I raved about how wonderful they are! He then said he was looking foward to playing with them on Friday and us on Sat. I thought that was kinda creepy and I know my wife is not into bed post notchers. I made the comment that we would love to meet for drinks on sat, but if they were playing with our friends on friday, we would most likely not want to play with them on Sat. We like to keep our experinces a bit more "private".

Well, the guy was not happy and was saying that I was trying to control their behavior and who they can play with. I assured him that they could do whatever they wanted to on Friday, but it would be weird to play with a couple that was just with our friends. Needless to say, he cancelled our plans for sat. Did I do something wrong? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and let them play on Friday, knowing it would null any chance of action with us on Sat? Is it dumb to feel weird about playing with a couple that was just with our friends?

[good times]

Originally Posted by HappyCouple2308

Did I do something wrong?

NO, you were up front with them about how you feel, how can that be wrong?

I think you did make one mistake though, in my opinion. We have found that if you are uncomfortable with someone it is best to not explain why you wish to not meet them or cancel a date. Lets face it, it is human nature to be defensive when confronted with the disapproval of others. By telling him that you can't meet him because he is planning on meeting this other couple the night before, you are saying you disapprove of them doing this. I know I would probably get a bit defensive in that situation and I think most others would too. So in the future it would be better if you just politely declined to meet but left out the exact reason why. By the way, most seasoned swingers are used to this and won't ask why. After swinging for a while you get used to both giving and receiving the good old, "something has come up and we can't make our date Saturday night" message.

Originally Posted by HappyCouple2308

Should I have just kept my mouth shut and let them play on Friday, knowing it would null any chance of action with us on Sat?

If I were the other couple in this situation I wouldn't appreciate being deceived. So I think you did the right thing with the exception of what I said above.

Originally Posted by HappyCouple2308

Is it dumb to feel weird about playing with a couple that was just with our friends?

Hey, it is the way you feel. Can I relate? No, can't really say that this would be a problem for us at all. In fact, it isn't unusual for us to play with multiple couples on the same night, but this isn't about the way we feel, it is about you, and only you know what you are comfortable with or not.

Edit - After thinking on it a little more I would like to ad that you may want to consider why this does bother you though. The only reason I thought I would mention this is that even though it is how you feel and you shouldn't try to deny or belittle that, the reasons you feel this way may not be so good. We run into couples every once in a while that get jealous or possessive when we play with someone else and that isn't a good thing, in my opinion. I am not saying that is what is happening with you, just that you probably should think about it.

For me the only problem I would have with it is that they actually told you who they were playing with which we wouldn't have done and don't expect others to do when playing with us.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by HappyCouple2308

Now a third couple has come into the picture. They are meeting with our friends on Friday, and us on Saturday.

I'm curious. How did you learn that couple #3 was meeting your friends?

I was chatting with the male from the new couple and he was asking about our friends. Of course I raved about how wonderful they are! He then said he was looking foward to playing with them on Friday and us on Sat. I thought that was kinda creepy and I know my wife is not into bed post notchers. I made the comment that we would love to meet for drinks on sat, but if they were playing with our friends on friday, we would most likely not want to play with them on Sat. We like to keep our experinces a bit more "private".

Well, the guy was not happy and was saying that I was trying to control their behavior and who they can play with. I assured him that they could do whatever they wanted to on Friday, but it would be weird to play with a couple that was just with our friends. Needless to say, he cancelled our plans for sat. Did I do something wrong? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and let them play on Friday, knowing it would null any chance of action with us on Sat? Is it dumb to feel weird about playing with a couple that was just with our friends?

Let me step through this progression of events as you described it.

Mr. 3 asked about your friends. At this point it would help me to know how you all knew about each other, but that information will have to wait until you reply. My comments here may change after knowing that information.

One of our rules is that if we are meeting a couple privately we never tell another couple who we are meeting, unless everyone already knows each other and we're trying to arrange a group meet and greet - not a private meet. If we are getting together for a group social and the hosts let us know who has confirmed attending (which we feel is perfectly okay and even wise with small groups because it can reduce the chance of couples showing up at a small meet who don't get along and may not want to attend because of it) we feel it's okay to say that we've met a couple but we never mention if we've played with them. So sharing your view of your friends as wonderful people would be fine in my view if it was presented in the example I gave.

Now on to what Mr. 3 said. Wrong! [Could you hear the buzzer go off? ] That was crude and classless of him. If I were in your place I would have turned very cool on the phone because I'd have been in shock. I would have closed the conversation abruptly. The guy would have been left wondering what happened, which would be good, and he'd ponder what the heck happened. I'd then send an e-mail within a few hours (after he'd have more time to think about what he said that turned you cold) and I say something like "after further consideration we feel we would not be compatible and must decline meeting tomorrow night." He'd be upset - as he was on the phone - but providing an explanation only makes a bad situation worse in this case. Mr. 3 is right on one account, you made it sound like you were trying to control his choices, when I think what you were trying to express is that you don't like his lack of discretion.

I think the explanation you gave him didn't make much sense. From what you wrote it sounds like your reason for canceling was a timeline issue, not a discretion issue, as if you'd play with them if a couple weeks went by. Can you see what I mean?

And to suggest meeting just for drinks with them anyway, after learning that Mr. 3 has a BIG mouth, would you really want to do that?

The more involved with swinging you become the more chance of swinging with couples who've played with each other. If this is going to bother you you'll need to work that out. It is not unusual when starting out to get a bit jealous or possessive of your first swing partners. They are like a special treat that you hate to share. But swinging is a sharing experience and you will have to come to grips with that.

It's not "dumb" to feel weird about playing with a couple you know has played with a couple you've played with. I felt that at first. When we suspected this (based on what we saw at the club) it was as if these people were playing with "our" couple. But with time I realized how silly I was being. Our special couples are still special to us, and we to them, even though we both play with other couples, and maybe even some of the same people...but we'll never tell.

LM

[good times]

I was editing my post at the same time as LM was making hers, as usual, she said what I was trying to in my edit better than I did.

[havefuninsun]

yeah -- why couple #3 shared with you what they did is odd. THAT would make me feel weird.

[HappyCouple2308]

Thanks sooo much for the replys. This lifestyle is exciting... but really confusing.

We dont care if "couple 3" plays with our friends, in fact, I think are freinds are very sexy people! We are just not into playing with people, that have been with friends... of course none of us are virgins.

The reason we know all about the other 2 couples meeting, was that they invited us to join them. At this point, playing with or friends and another couple is not a turn on.

We are new, so making mistakes is gonna happen... I just didnt want to mislead couple #3

[JustAskJulie]

After reading your last post, I have a different take on the situation. Initially, I thought this was more of an issue with the 3rd couple being indiscrete... but from the sounds of it that may not be the case. Since you didn't want to join with both of the other couples it sounds like they gave you a new option of since you didn't want to play with couple #2 you could just play with couple #3 on a different night. I do understand there being a bit of an "ick" factor of knowing that they were playing with your friends the night before.

I don't think you really made a mistake, you did what you felt you needed to do to make yourselves comfortable and that's what it's all about.

[HappyCouple2308]

Thanks Julie!!!! You hit the nail on the head.. ICK!!!! But we wouldnt want couple #3 not to play with our freinds... we just wanted them to know we lose some of the "hottest" knowing their other play freinds that closely....

[iapr]

I think likeminds and Julie both made great points and sound advice and I will throw something else in there. This is one of the reasons why privacy and discretion are so important. If people had not been sharing information on who they shared their beds with none of this would have happened. I know this is an example of human behaviour and it is impossible to live in a complete vacuum but the less everyone knows about everyone elses private affairs the better everyone will be.

You always have a right to your feelings and if you get an "ICK" feeling about playing with someone that just played with your friends the night before you have a right to feel that way. Truth be known I'd probably feel the same way.

Couple #3 also had a right to be a little irked that you stiffarmed them after finding out that they were going out with your friends the night before but they should never have told you that they were going out with them in the first place so they bare a little responsibility as well.

It was wrong of them to have asked about your friends to you and you should not have divulged much if any info about them. I know we all want our friends to be friends with each other and to play nice but what is private and between closed doors NEEDS to remain private and behind closed doors.

There is no rational reason why you should be squeemish about playing with a couple of consenting adult swingers that played with your friends who are also consenting adult swingers the night before but obviously it does make you squeemish. Just accept that and move on and chalk it up to lesson learned. The truth is that the active swinging communtity is very small and there is very few degrees of separation between any of us. The moral of this story is DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.

[Additude]

To each their own. If it makes you uncomfortable then so be it and if playing with them on Sat after Fri with your friends would have made it a difficult night for you Sat, then your in your own right.

What if the couple you were playing with Sat night was more discrete and didn't mention Fri night to you? What if that couple mentioned they were playing with a couple you didn't even know on Fri night? Would that have made a difference?

If so then you are being selective in your thinking about your "Friends". It's only because they were involved that your thoughts are as they were.

I will tell you that it wouldn't have made any difference to us one way or the other....as a matter of fact, the opposite. It would have been kind of exciting.

So do what you think is best for you. Be more discrete in your discussions with others. It's not so necessary that someone else knows all the details, only if you've scheduled plans with them it's respectful to inform them you can't keep the plans. Anything else you add is of your own choosing and consequence.