No call, No shows

OhioCouple · 10-18-2002, 09:18 AM

I've read a lot recently about couples/singles that set a date for a meeting and then either do not call to confirm by a pre-set time or do and then just fail to show up period. Is this fairly common or is that the complaintants speak more loudly and often?

Although we haven't had this happen to us yet, this seems to be a rather common complaint. Is it a lack of adequately screening potential play mates?

We choose to only meet at places that are mutually enjoyable to everyone, and go with the mindset that if they do not show, we will have a great time regardless.

Has anyone experienced this or actually been the party that did not show, for whatever reason?

Lori

ciscosv · 10-18-2002, 12:29 PM

I can think of two situations that my wife and I were in when first meeting a couple of couples.

We agreed to meet the first couple at a bar we mutualy knew. When my wife and I got there we scanned the place wondering if they were there and where? After an hour plus, they called us. It appeared as if there were more than one bar with the same name in that city. Opps. I didn't know that. We finally met up with them and had a great time. We still look forward to the opportunity to hang out with them when we can.

Another time was with a couple I chatted with in a chat room. I told my wife about them and showed her their pictures. We both decided to meet up with them at a bar I was familiar with. One thing I told them was we would be there by 12midnight as we had a long drive ahead of us. We got to the bar around 11 and sat around scanning the joint with no luck. Never met up with them that night.That was fine with us though. We had a couple of drinks and enjoyed ourselves. We found out a couple days later that they were in fact at the bar but moved to another one later that night.

We always have fun even if a couple does not show up. We would not take the nocall/no show personally.

L&K · 10-18-2002, 01:44 PM

your question is a can of worms to answer ...... There is going to be a lot of veriables in this . We live in a small community so if we say meet at this bar , no one will end up at another bar with the same name as happened to the other post on here . Where your meeting these people will make a difference , how long you have talked with them prior to metting will change the odds . For us we are 3 for 3 , every time we went to meet some one they have showed up , on time no less . One couple we decided not to meet after having made plans with them , how ever we let them know 5 days prior that we had changed our minds . Sounds like to me the problem may be over stated but depending on where your loacated and how you got in touch with them maybe the odds of them showing up are different , So far we are batting a thousand , im sure that wont last for ever .

M

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-18-2002, 04:56 PM

We've never had a situation where a couple didn't show up without any notice (at least not that I can think of). We've had two no shows with very little notice tho that come to mind.

One was a second meeting, they were to come to our place for dinner and called to cancel about 2 hours beforehand (dinner was already in the oven).

The second (and this one still peeves me) was a couple we had met with several times. We had never played and that wasn't an issue in our eyes as they were new and we figured just take things slow and make friends. No biggie. Well we had all made plans to go out for NYE. THe plan was to go out dancing and get a hotel room nearby (we had a 45 minute drive to the nearest town with decent things to do on NYE). So with the drive in mind we were going to share a room (no pressure or intent for anything to happen.. just the idea that if we got a room we could stay out and drink without worrying about a long drive home).

Well at about 4pm that afternoon I was online and they messaged me that they weren't coming but asked if we wanted to go see a movie locally. We were less than thrilled. They never gave any sort of excuse as to why they were cancelling. I wondered (and still wonder) if they hadn't caught me online would they have bothered to call? At any rate we never saw them again.

**Alura** · 10-19-2002, 11:21 AM

There used to be a swinger-oriented book store here in town. They had a "swingers board." We answered a few ads and got some replys. While having dinner with one couple, they asked if we'd gotten any other good replys. We told them one other couple had agreed to meet for dinner two nights hense.

"Was it John & Jane?" they asked.

"Well, in fact, yes," was our surprised reply.

"They'll be there but they will not approach you and won't talk." It seems these folks were well known to the swingers community for just this reason. We were given a good physical description of the two.

On the night of the meeting we sat and waited. A couple who could not likely have been anyone else entered, sat across the room, argued quietly for several minutes and left, just as our other friends had said they would.

Is it immoral to share this type of information?

Alura

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Alura ]</small>

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-19-2002, 12:26 PM

I personally don't think it's immoral to warn people about couples that are obviously going to be dissapointing (like your case) and some others I've seen.

redhot_brat · 10-21-2002, 09:41 PM

I can easily relate to this topic . We just went through this personally.
The couple in question has done this to us twice now.
We originally had invited them to our home for a backyard BBQ , along with 3 other couples from our group (we run a yahoo swinger's group).
They had wanted to meet us and one of the other couples so we set this up as a way to meet both , with no pressure to play.\
They had said they were coming - called TWICE that night.First time to say they would be a little late,the second to say they were on their way.
They never showed up! They finally called a third time at 1AM to say they'd had a probelm geting a sitter and that is why they never showed.
We were a little upset , but decided to try again.
The second time they did this we had made it more public figuring that might've been the probelm as they were new to the lifestyle.
It was at a local area bar ...group barmeet....again no pressure to play.Just a easy way to meet people.
They agreed to come - told us how excited they were.Again called a fewtimes , but nevershowed up.
After that I wrote and told them I was no longer interested in meeting them.I said they were welcome to still be part of the yahoo group , but that we personally were no longer interested in them as possible playmates.
They say they don't understand what they did wrong and why we are upset with them.
So - Did I handle this wrong? Do I owe them a further explaination?
What do you think?
Debra

**Alura** · 10-21-2002, 10:57 PM

We surely think it wouldn't hurt a bit to give them a kind and involved explanation. Maybe they are on the heavy side of shy and just couldn't get themselves out of the car. We'd ask to take them to lunch, pick them up at their place, and spend lunch explaining some of finer points of swinger etiquette, the main one being, "Do what you say you're gonna, Cowboys and Cowgirls!" Speak in a kind tone; make sure they know you want to help them get into the swing scene in your city.

Mr. Alura once knew a Yankee feller, from New York City, who did not understand why anyone would get pissed off when he called them one hour prior to an important business meeting to cancel, probably because of a hangover. He soon moved on to other markets; his manners just didn't fit in here. Maybe that's the case with this couple and, just maybe, they'll turn out to be great folks if you find out what's going on with them.

Remember, we told y'all about a couple we met through a swinger's board? They were really nice folks. The four of us had a great time together eating pizza and talking while our kids, five of them, I think, ate together and got to be great friends. That was on Friday. On Sunday, Mrs. Alura's mother died. As a result, we didn't get in touch with these folks for some time, losing their phone number in the process. Do you think they tell their friends of a terrible experience with the Aluras, who just disappeared off the face of the earth?

Alura

Chicup · 10-21-2002, 11:08 PM

redhot - Did you talk to the wife or just the husband? We have met a few people who could never quite show up, and oddly the wife could never quite get to the phone to talk. Personaly 2 strikes you are out I think is a ok rule unless they have a really good excuse.

OhioCouple · 10-22-2002, 01:15 AM

Quote:

I can easily relate to this topic . We just went through this personally.
The couple in question has done this to us twice now.
We originally had invited them to our home for a backyard BBQ , along with 3 other couples from our group (we run a yahoo swinger's group).
They had wanted to meet us and one of the other couples so we set this up as a way to meet both , with no pressure to play.\
They had said they were coming - called TWICE that night.First time to say they would be a little late,the second to say they were on their way.
They never showed up! They finally called a third time at 1AM to say they'd had a probelm geting a sitter and that is why they never showed.
We were a little upset , but decided to try again.
The second time they did this we had made it more public figuring that might've been the probelm as they were new to the lifestyle.
It was at a local area bar ...group barmeet....again no pressure to play.Just a easy way to meet people.
They agreed to come - told us how excited they were.Again called a fewtimes , but nevershowed up.
After that I wrote and told them I was no longer interested in meeting them.I said they were welcome to still be part of the yahoo group , but that we personally were no longer interested in them as possible playmates.
They say they don't understand what they did wrong and why we are upset with them.
So - Did I handle this wrong? Do I owe them a further explaination?
What do you think?
Debra

In my opinion you went over and beyond the call of duty to welcome this couple. The one thing that was a red flag to me was that on the first night out, second phone call, they were on their way. Third phone call many hours later was they could'nt get a sitter? Didn't they know that before they were on their way?

You responded as I would have and invite them for the second meeting. Alas, the same pattern emerged again. I think you were right to let them know that you had no further interest in them. I'll ask the very same important questions that Chicup did. Did you only speak by phone with the male or the female? Did they offer to let you physically talk with both?

If they are on the up and up, then perhaps they need to learn a little more about swinging and social etiquitte before they accept an invitation to attend any social function with like minded people.

Lori

**Alura** · 10-22-2002, 10:26 AM

We had the impression there was no doubt they were a couple. If it's possible they are not, it's a whole different story and our previous response doesn't apply.

Alura

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-22-2002, 02:37 PM

I agree with all of the above. If you know for sure that they are a couple then I would say yes explain to them why it is that you have no further interest in them.

When we first got into the lifestyle, we had been talking to a couple online that had put together a local swinger group. They invited us out one night to play pool with everyone. We got to the bar and never got out of the car. I chickened out. Yes me. Later we arranged to meet with one of the couples in the group just one on one and that went fine. There was less pressure on us even tho that first encounter was at a public place. I just felt overwhelmed by the idea of meeting so many new people at once and not knowing what to expect.

So yes, I would let them know why it is that you are upset and perhaps give them one last chance to meet with just you and as someone else said pick them up at their home (if possible) or just meet them for dinner somewhere.

If there is any doubt that they may not be a whole couple, then just drop them and don't worry about it.

redhot_brat · 10-22-2002, 07:43 PM

Well first off - I know they are a real couple as we had talked on cam several times to both of them and also in conference with the other couple they wished to meet.
In between the first and second time they did this they also crossed another no-no line , that I also tried to chalk up to inexperience ( she sent both the female 1/2 of the couples little letters signed i love you).
I talked to her then about proper etiquette regarding both no shows and why telling someone other then your spouse is a no-no.Especially if you have only been talking to the people in question a few weeks (month and half) and haven't even met them in person.
I explained that mopst people would take that as they are unstable or the possesive type and back off immediately ( as the other couple did and they didn't understand why).
Thanks to all that offered an opinion - I feel better knowing that I wasn't being unfair or overly irritated by their behavior.
Debra

OhioCouple · 10-22-2002, 08:54 PM

Knowing more about the situation has me siding for sure that you did the correct thing.

I have thought some about Alura's original response and feel that there is some validity to it that I had not considered. Not having all the necessary information, I can see where they could have been given another chance now.

We were very fortunate to have met a couple when we first "stepped out", that were considerate, aware that we were newbies and they took that into consideration for us. Not to the extent of holding our hands though. Nor would we have expected it of them.

It sounds as if they are not ready to venture out yet and need to take more time to get their own selves together. There is no reason for you or anyone else in your group to be rolling out the red carpet week end and week out.

Lori

Greg & Sheryl · 10-22-2002, 10:06 PM

In the years we've been in the lifestyle, we've noticed that even some veteran swinging couples have problems keeping their appointments. Our policy is that after a couple has twice no-showed or cancelled on dates with us, we give up trying to plan future dates. If the couple is still interested in meeting us, we simply instruct them to meet us at a swing club or swing party. That way, if they don't show, we can easily find someone else to play with!

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10-18-2002, 09:18 AM	#1 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	No call, No shows I've read a lot recently about couples/singles that set a date for a meeting and then either do not call to confirm by a pre-set time or do and then just fail to show up period. Is this fairly common or is that the complaintants speak more loudly and often? Although we haven't had this happen to us yet, this seems to be a rather common complaint. Is it a lack of adequately screening potential play mates? We choose to only meet at places that are mutually enjoyable to everyone, and go with the mindset that if they do not show, we will have a great time regardless. Has anyone experienced this or actually been the party that did not show, for whatever reason? Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

10-18-2002, 12:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
ciscosv Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 755 Location: Redford, Michigan Status: Married Couple	I can think of two situations that my wife and I were in when first meeting a couple of couples. We agreed to meet the first couple at a bar we mutualy knew. When my wife and I got there we scanned the place wondering if they were there and where? After an hour plus, they called us. It appeared as if there were more than one bar with the same name in that city. Opps. I didn't know that. We finally met up with them and had a great time. We still look forward to the opportunity to hang out with them when we can. Another time was with a couple I chatted with in a chat room. I told my wife about them and showed her their pictures. We both decided to meet up with them at a bar I was familiar with. One thing I told them was we would be there by 12midnight as we had a long drive ahead of us. We got to the bar around 11 and sat around scanning the joint with no luck. Never met up with them that night.That was fine with us though. We had a couple of drinks and enjoyed ourselves. We found out a couple days later that they were in fact at the bar but moved to another one later that night. We always have fun even if a couple does not show up. We would not take the nocall/no show personally.
	__________________ M&M Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

10-18-2002, 04:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,287 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	We've never had a situation where a couple didn't show up without any notice (at least not that I can think of). We've had two no shows with very little notice tho that come to mind. One was a second meeting, they were to come to our place for dinner and called to cancel about 2 hours beforehand (dinner was already in the oven). The second (and this one still peeves me) was a couple we had met with several times. We had never played and that wasn't an issue in our eyes as they were new and we figured just take things slow and make friends. No biggie. Well we had all made plans to go out for NYE. THe plan was to go out dancing and get a hotel room nearby (we had a 45 minute drive to the nearest town with decent things to do on NYE). So with the drive in mind we were going to share a room (no pressure or intent for anything to happen.. just the idea that if we got a room we could stay out and drink without worrying about a long drive home). Well at about 4pm that afternoon I was online and they messaged me that they weren't coming but asked if we wanted to go see a movie locally. We were less than thrilled. They never gave any sort of excuse as to why they were cancelling. I wondered (and still wonder) if they hadn't caught me online would they have bothered to call? At any rate we never saw them again.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

10-19-2002, 11:21 AM	#5 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,135 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	There used to be a swinger-oriented book store here in town. They had a "swingers board." We answered a few ads and got some replys. While having dinner with one couple, they asked if we'd gotten any other good replys. We told them one other couple had agreed to meet for dinner two nights hense. "Was it John & Jane?" they asked. "Well, in fact, yes," was our surprised reply. "They'll be there but they will not approach you and won't talk." It seems these folks were well known to the swingers community for just this reason. We were given a good physical description of the two. On the night of the meeting we sat and waited. A couple who could not likely have been anyone else entered, sat across the room, argued quietly for several minutes and left, just as our other friends had said they would. Is it immoral to share this type of information? Alura <small>[ October 20, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Alura ]</small>
	__________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

10-18-2002, 01:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
L&K Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 197 Location: michigan Status: couple	your question is a can of worms to answer ...... There is going to be a lot of veriables in this . We live in a small community so if we say meet at this bar , no one will end up at another bar with the same name as happened to the other post on here . Where your meeting these people will make a difference , how long you have talked with them prior to metting will change the odds . For us we are 3 for 3 , every time we went to meet some one they have showed up , on time no less . One couple we decided not to meet after having made plans with them , how ever we let them know 5 days prior that we had changed our minds . Sounds like to me the problem may be over stated but depending on where your loacated and how you got in touch with them maybe the odds of them showing up are different , So far we are batting a thousand , im sure that wont last for ever . M

10-19-2002, 12:26 PM	#6 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,287 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	I personally don't think it's immoral to warn people about couples that are obviously going to be dissapointing (like your case) and some others I've seen.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book Last edited by JustAskJulie; 06-23-2004 at 01:19 AM. Reason: to remove extranious tags

10-21-2002, 09:41 PM	#7 (permalink)
redhot_brat Spicing up our Life! Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 24 Location: Mankato, Mn Status: Married Couple	I can easily relate to this topic . We just went through this personally. The couple in question has done this to us twice now. We originally had invited them to our home for a backyard BBQ , along with 3 other couples from our group (we run a yahoo swinger's group). They had wanted to meet us and one of the other couples so we set this up as a way to meet both , with no pressure to play.\ They had said they were coming - called TWICE that night.First time to say they would be a little late,the second to say they were on their way. They never showed up! They finally called a third time at 1AM to say they'd had a probelm geting a sitter and that is why they never showed. We were a little upset , but decided to try again. The second time they did this we had made it more public figuring that might've been the probelm as they were new to the lifestyle. It was at a local area bar ...group barmeet....again no pressure to play.Just a easy way to meet people. They agreed to come - told us how excited they were.Again called a fewtimes , but nevershowed up. After that I wrote and told them I was no longer interested in meeting them.I said they were welcome to still be part of the yahoo group , but that we personally were no longer interested in them as possible playmates. They say they don't understand what they did wrong and why we are upset with them. So - Did I handle this wrong? Do I owe them a further explaination? What do you think? Debra

10-21-2002, 10:57 PM	#8 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,135 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	We surely think it wouldn't hurt a bit to give them a kind and involved explanation. Maybe they are on the heavy side of shy and just couldn't get themselves out of the car. We'd ask to take them to lunch, pick them up at their place, and spend lunch explaining some of finer points of swinger etiquette, the main one being, "Do what you say you're gonna, Cowboys and Cowgirls!" Speak in a kind tone; make sure they know you want to help them get into the swing scene in your city. Mr. Alura once knew a Yankee feller, from New York City, who did not understand why anyone would get pissed off when he called them one hour prior to an important business meeting to cancel, probably because of a hangover. He soon moved on to other markets; his manners just didn't fit in here. Maybe that's the case with this couple and, just maybe, they'll turn out to be great folks if you find out what's going on with them. Remember, we told y'all about a couple we met through a swinger's board? They were really nice folks. The four of us had a great time together eating pizza and talking while our kids, five of them, I think, ate together and got to be great friends. That was on Friday. On Sunday, Mrs. Alura's mother died. As a result, we didn't get in touch with these folks for some time, losing their phone number in the process. Do you think they tell their friends of a terrible experience with the Aluras, who just disappeared off the face of the earth? Alura
	__________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

10-21-2002, 11:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
Chicup Not a potential *** Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 4,092 Location: Under the bed Status: Tired	redhot - Did you talk to the wife or just the husband? We have met a few people who could never quite show up, and oddly the wife could never quite get to the phone to talk. Personaly 2 strikes you are out I think is a ok rule unless they have a really good excuse.

10-22-2002, 10:26 AM	#11 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,135 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	We had the impression there was no doubt they were a couple. If it's possible they are not, it's a whole different story and our previous response doesn't apply. Alura
	__________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

10-22-2002, 02:37 PM	#12 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,287 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	I agree with all of the above. If you know for sure that they are a couple then I would say yes explain to them why it is that you have no further interest in them. When we first got into the lifestyle, we had been talking to a couple online that had put together a local swinger group. They invited us out one night to play pool with everyone. We got to the bar and never got out of the car. I chickened out. Yes me. Later we arranged to meet with one of the couples in the group just one on one and that went fine. There was less pressure on us even tho that first encounter was at a public place. I just felt overwhelmed by the idea of meeting so many new people at once and not knowing what to expect. So yes, I would let them know why it is that you are upset and perhaps give them one last chance to meet with just you and as someone else said pick them up at their home (if possible) or just meet them for dinner somewhere. If there is any doubt that they may not be a whole couple, then just drop them and don't worry about it.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

10-22-2002, 07:43 PM	#13 (permalink)
redhot_brat Spicing up our Life! Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 24 Location: Mankato, Mn Status: Married Couple	Well first off - I know they are a real couple as we had talked on cam several times to both of them and also in conference with the other couple they wished to meet. In between the first and second time they did this they also crossed another no-no line , that I also tried to chalk up to inexperience ( she sent both the female 1/2 of the couples little letters signed i love you). I talked to her then about proper etiquette regarding both no shows and why telling someone other then your spouse is a no-no.Especially if you have only been talking to the people in question a few weeks (month and half) and haven't even met them in person. I explained that mopst people would take that as they are unstable or the possesive type and back off immediately ( as the other couple did and they didn't understand why). Thanks to all that offered an opinion - I feel better knowing that I wasn't being unfair or overly irritated by their behavior. Debra

10-22-2002, 08:54 PM	#14 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	Knowing more about the situation has me siding for sure that you did the correct thing. I have thought some about Alura's original response and feel that there is some validity to it that I had not considered. Not having all the necessary information, I can see where they could have been given another chance now. We were very fortunate to have met a couple when we first "stepped out", that were considerate, aware that we were newbies and they took that into consideration for us. Not to the extent of holding our hands though. Nor would we have expected it of them. It sounds as if they are not ready to venture out yet and need to take more time to get their own selves together. There is no reason for you or anyone else in your group to be rolling out the red carpet week end and week out. Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

10-22-2002, 10:06 PM	#15 (permalink)
Greg & Sheryl Interracial Swingers Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 749 Location: Denver, CO Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Greg69Sheryl	In the years we've been in the lifestyle, we've noticed that even some veteran swinging couples have problems keeping their appointments. Our policy is that after a couple has twice no-showed or cancelled on dates with us, we give up trying to plan future dates. If the couple is still interested in meeting us, we simply instruct them to meet us at a swing club or swing party. That way, if they don't show, we can easily find someone else to play with!

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