Couple is too eager / wants more than I want to give

[knottyboi]

I'm very new to the swinger scene and I need some advice. Just a few weeks ago I met a nice couple (I'm a single female) and last weekend we hooked up. It was great and I really enjoyed myself. We had been e-mailing back and forth before that a few times, but ever since we had sex, they have been e-mailing me almost every day and if I don't write back quickly, they will write within a few hours and ask if I got their previous e-mail. All of a sudden I feel very pressured and while I did want to get back together, now I'm afraid that if I did, the need for constant communication and attention would only escalate.

I know that many people that are swingers do want to be friends with the people they swing with - but to be completely honest, I don't. I want to be friendly, like each other, and talk a few times, but other than that, I just want to have a stress-free, no emotional ties, sexual good time. If I wanted the stress and emotional ties, I would find a polyamorous partner.

I am flattered that they had such a blast with me that they want to do it again ASAP, but now I feel pestered and what was fun is now becoming rapidly unfun. This is the first couple I've been with and I don't really know how to handle it correctly.

(I apologize if this shows up twice, I accidentally posted this once before I logged in).

[LFM2]

and to the board! I can see why you'd need advice. Pushy people are NOT fun! They do start out as nice, you play together and have a great time, then they IM you to death.

What you need to do is be blunt. Tell them they are being too pushy, and you're feeling too pressured to ever want to enjoy their company again. Maybe they will then get the message. We did have to do this with one couple who IM'd us constantly! It made me never want to contact them again.

I feel the same you do. I've really enjoyed all the people that we've ever played with, yet we don't want to feel pressured that we want to spend time with them in a social setting. We want to have a stress-free sexual good time. Good Luck with your situation.

[Dynamar]

Welcome to the board, knottyboi

Originally Posted by LFM2

What you need to do is be blunt. Tell them they are being too pushy, and you're feeling too pressured to ever want to enjoy their company again. Maybe they will then get the message. We did have to do this with one couple who IM'd us constantly! It made me never want to contact them again.

LFM2 is quite correct. Honesty and straightforward communication of your feelings is best in this situation.

As a single fem myself... the situation you described has happened to me frequently, almost to the point where I was totally soured on couples altogether! Having opportunities to play with couples is the main reason I entered the lifestyle to begin with... so it gets very frustrating when a couple tries to monopolize my time and make me their personal girlfriend/concubine/etc.

Just remember... the best thing about being single in the lifestyle is that theres only one of you to decide what you'll do. Effectively communicating your own desires and being direct with those who don't meet your guidelines is always the best policy.

All the best to you!

[Alura]

I'm just a hick Okie, certainly neither single nor female, so my thoughts on this subject are probably iffy at best.

It seems to me that any time one looks for something rare, whether it be a white buffalo or a single fem who enjoys threesomes, the quarry is rarely, if ever, found. It's hard to throw a lot of fault at the feet on the successful hunter who doesn't want to go through the long process again, especially if the experience was pleasant for all.

Still, I'd think it wrong to cave into their desires while pushing your own to the side. You definitely need to be honest, telling them exactly what you've told us, Knottyboi. Perhaps you could even email them a link to this thread. They might learn something from the board, as well.

Keep in mind that communication in swinging is just as important as communication in any other realm of life.

By the way, please tell us about your screenname. Shouldn't it be Knottygurl instead of Knottyboi? Perhaps there's a pun I don't understand?

Mr. Alura

[knottyboi]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it. LMF2, I'm glad you can empathize! Dynamar, you said what I was feeling - I don't want to feel like their personal girlfriend/concubine. I want to SWING and have lots of partners. I did like being with them and want to do it again, but I don't want to feel like I *have* to.

Thanks for your perspective, Alura. I wouldn't want to have to start all over again once I found something I had been looking for over a long period of time - but I also wouldn't want to scare them off! It hasn't gotten to that point, which is why I came here for help.



They did write me again this morning (in response to an e-mail of mine) and they did mention that they didn't want to be pushy, so hopefully this will resolve itself without bad feelings.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by knottyboi

They did write me again this morning (in response to an e-mail of mine) and they did mention that they didn't want to be pushy, so hopefully this will resolve itself without bad feelings.

Hehe maybe they are board members and read this thread

[LikeMinds321]

I refer to these type of people as "stickys." You can find sticky singles and couples. When we come upon these types we let them know early on that they are asking more from us than we are prepared to give, and in this case, continual e-mail.

There are only a few people I care to write to on a regular basis, and those are people who offer me way more than an opportunity for sex. The sexual connection is good too, but it's interesting people who I connect with on a mental level that keeps the communication fun, no-pressure, and enjoyable for me.

knottyboi, you communicate very well on the Board, so I have no doubt that you will find a way to get the message across to this couple in a straight-forward assertive way without offending them. And should they take offense, then you've learned an important thing about them that will help you determine if you want to continue a relationship with them.

Good luck!

LM

[BorisNatasha]

I think setting expectations early is key to avoiding confrontational "you need to stop doing this" conversations. We let people know that email is something we tend to once or twice a week, and it seems to eliminate the constant emails from potential 'stickys'. (I like that term!)

Boris

[Mr. Truelove]

We had a difficult time with our first couple of how much IMing was too much IMing. I personally had a problem of worrying excessively if I wasn't talking enough, or if I was rambling on and on. On one hand if I didn't talk, I thought I might come off like I didn't care. Which on the contrary, I really did. Then on the other hand I felt like we would be pestering them if I IMed a lot. Eventually I just calmed down and went with the flow of it. If they didn't like it then I figured the ball was in their court to speak up about it.

Turns out they appear to be just fine and I was worrying about nothing. It's possible this couple is having these same issues. Not chatting with you might seem just as bad as chatting all the time. So I would just speak up about your feelings and see what they say. Make sure to include that you really do want to continue this relationship (or whatever you would call it) with them.

Mr. Truelove

[LOL_OMG]

We have met a few couples that live for the single female. In fact we have had one tell us horror stories about one, as they were in the process of persuing another. It almost seems like an addictione to some, so our advice would be tread lightly, have fun and have an escape button handy.
Mr.

[iapr]

Knottyboi the advice the others have given you in dealing with this specific issue is good and I hope it has been of benifit.

I would also state that you made a very good point in your original post about not wanting to pursue long term friendships and especially about not wanting to be anyone's personal concubine. Those are both very valid points to make upfront to anyone you may be interested in playing with and would even be good to have in your profile.

So many couples do want a personal concubine (although noone would ever admit to that word) that you will encounter this issue again and again if it is not nipped in the bud right off the git-go.

[carlos_pchot]

Hi there knotty, it's quite true what everyone else have had, so I'll just add, that there is no way to avoid the "stickys" as LikeMinds put it, there's always a chance to find new ones, but don't let them ruin your lifestyle for it, my advice would be to let it as a "great one time experience" with them and move on to a different kind of people, maybe they tell you now that they don't want to be pushy, but if they already started, probably they're just faking it to keep you there with them. I had a couple friend that sometimes would get mad just because I wouldn't answer on the msn for a few min, like it would be my duty to do it, (sometimes I just was doing something else on the house or was just a phone call) so, that's the kind of people that you don't want to get around.

Best luck, would love to see you more on the board
Carlos

[curiousagain]

"stickys" That ought to go in the swing dictionary.

[good times]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

"stickys" That ought to go in the swing dictionary.

We call them "Cling-ons", the term has a catchy Trekkie kind of appeal, we think.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by knottyboi

I know that many people that are swingers do want to be friends with the people they swing with - but to be completely honest, I don't. I want to be friendly, like each other, and talk a few times, but other than that, I just want to have a stress-free, no emotional ties, sexual good time. If I wanted the stress and emotional ties, I would find a polyamorous partner.

Hi knottyboi,

I would quote yourself with what you told us here, and tell the couple you met just what you told us. You worded that very well! Just be completely honest with them. Be yourself, and share openly exactly what you want and what you don't want. Complete honesty really is the best policy.

If they are cling-ons or stickys (cool terms in this thread), yes, maybe their feelings will be hurt a little. Maybe they are more poly than swinger, and don't even know it, yet. Either way, you'll make your point and things will resolve, one way or the other. There's a chance that they don't realize they're being pushy with this constant contact, and will respect your wishes after you tell them, with things going onward successfully between you and them.

By the way, I feel exactly as you do. I like to be friendly, and I even like to be friends in a very casual way, but I can't stand the pressure to be in constant contact. There's something very needy about people who get demanding about contact, and that turns me off.

Best wishes!