My wife uses alcohol to be able to swing - help!

[denewbies]

My wife is very sexually inactive until she has a couple of drinks and then the tiger lets loose so to speak. Her tolerance for drinking is fairly low. Recently she read about a local club in the newspaper and after a coulpe of stiff ones she wanted to go. When we got there the booze had worn off a bit and she was very subdued, almost embarased, then she had a drink or two at the clob and the sexual dynamo let loose again. We only engaged in sex with each other but their was some soft swinging with another couple later in the evening.

Nest day she didn't even want to acknowlege we went to the club much less discuss what happened there. I think I would enjoy a more open lifestyle but I almost feel I'm taking advantage of my wife to do it. I'm stuck in the middle, any thoughts?

[JustAskJulie]

I think that this is the reason why many people will tell you that swinging and drinking don't mix.

Drinking tends to lower if not completely extinguish our inhibitions (aka guilt feelings), which is what is happening with your wife.

We all do things when we are drunk that we may not do if we weren't or that we wake up the next morning wishing we hadn't. Often tho the things we do when we are drink are things we wish we had the courage to do sober.

My advice, keep talking with your wife but next time you decide to go to a club make sure she stays relatively sober, so that anything she decides to do it's totally her deciding and not the alchohol. It may be a while before you guys hit another club but at least then you will know that it's really her and not hte alchohol talking when she says "let's go".

[LIZA]

I will admit that I still have to drink of we go to a club. I am very uninhibited at home sober, but the environement of a club intimidates me enough where I have to have a few drinks or I feel totally uncomfortable all night.
My husband on the other hand, NEVER drinks in any setting, never has and he does not seem to have a problem with being sober in that setting

My problem is I have a high tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it, I never really get stupid drunk, just a little buzzed. BUT I am a hung-over wreck the next day if I have more than say 3 drinks....anyone have any ideas on that one??

[walrus0115]

Originally posted by LIZA:
<STRONG>My problem is I have a high tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it, I never really get stupid drunk, just a little buzzed. BUT I am a hung-over wreck the next day if I have more than say 3 drinks....anyone have any ideas on that one??</STRONG>

Just change what you drink. My wife and would be considered heavy drinkers in almost any party situation except swinging. That's the only time we tone it down. It's too hard to have great sex when you're too drunk. Everybody's different when it comes to hangovers though. Just remember a few simple rules of body chemistry.
-Your hangover is mostly dehydration. If you drink lots of water while you're drinking and after that will help a lot.
-Stay away from sugar. Most mixers have lots of sugar in them and that raises your metabolism and thus you go through water quicker. Try things like Martini's, Manhattens, Scotch & soda, or just about anything and water. Water, water, water.
-Carbonation is good except for beer. Beer has too much sugar and a nasty hangover. Things like Vodka Tonics, Gin Tonics, whiskey and soda get that alcohol into your system faster. That way you can gauge how drunk you are. The carbonation speeds the stomach's absorption.

Timing is everything here. Alcohol overuse is a big, bad thing to do to your body. If you're going to get a little wild make sure that your body is ready for it. Good diet, exercise and moderation other times will let your body recover from excessive nights.

I know we sound like total drunks and on some occasions it can be fun. We always go with the flow in swinging situations. Sober people do not like to play with drunks very often and sometimes it works the other way too. We usually have just about as many drinks as the folks we're playing with.

As far as the original post... we've been partying for a long time with a bunch of wild people and when someone continuously uses alcohol and denies their actions or represses those feelings that could be a serious problem. Most alcoholics don't have as many problems with the drug itself rather the other person that they become when drunk. I believe that we would have to stop drinking if our inebriated debauchery caused us pain or remorse in any way other than the occasional embarrassing comment.

Good luck.

[Stratecpl]

I have to be sober if I'm gonna swing...I am one of those who falls asleep if I have a couple too many drinks. It's very hard to have sex when you are asleep....and I would much rather screw than be curled up snoozing in the corner! LOL And Ron can't drink much either in swinging situations..he has WPS (wine performance syndrom)

Connie

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by LIZA:

<STRONG>I will admit that I still have to drink of we go to a club. I am very uninhibited at home sober, but the environement of a club intimidates me enough where I have to have a few drinks or I feel totally uncomfortable all night. </STRONG>

I pretty much know how you feel. If I'm at home or around people that I am really comfortable with.. I can be completely unhibited without alchohol. However, put me in a situation where I don't know most of the people.. I need a few drinks to be comfortable.
My husband on the other hand, NEVER drinks in any setting, never has and he does not seem to have a problem with being sober in that setting

<STRONG>.....just a little buzzed. BUT I am a hung-over wreck the next day if I have more than say 3 drinks....anyone have any ideas on that one??</STRONG>

What do you drink? Do you mix different types of drinks or stick to one thing all night? For me personally I have one drink that I can drink and not have any problems the next day at all. When I drank more often it was the one drink I could drink all night and never get more than a buzz. However, if I start trying new things or even different brands the likelyhood of getting drunk faster and/or having a hangover in the morning increase.

I have always tried to stick to a ritual of a glass of water and a tylonol before bed after drinking... or at least the glass of water... if I skip it.. I know it in the morning.

I am also one (and so is hubby) who can end up feeling tired when drinking. TJe key for us is to stay active. Sitting around will put me out... I have to be doing something.

[ 02-04-2002: Message edited by: JustAskJulie ]

[invictus]

We are both so different in drinking that it is probably an example of extremes. I (the male) can drink beer in vast quantities with only a "belly" that has to be excercised as a problem. I never get drunk and I never have a hangover. However, one tequila shot or one bourbon will effect me that night and the next morning.

J (the female) can get silly with only two drinks and therefore seldom goes beyond one. If she has three over the course of an entire evening, she will have a hangover.

If I do not drink or if I drink a dozen beers, it does not affect me sexually (too many over a dozen may make me go to sleep early tho). One has J loose and ready. Three will make her do anything and feel bad the next day so we aviod that.

I guess our advice here is to know your own limits and stay within them. Nobody likes a drunk.

[MattLisa]

I just wanted to make a comment that if you don't like an idea sober, you shouldn't be doing it drunk... I can totally understand having a few drinks to "loosen up", and also agree that totally drunk is no fun either in a swinging situation...

And as far as the ick hangovers, it seems like people have that drink that just gets them bad and that drink that really works for them. Sorry, can't help you figure out what your drink is, don't know how but I would also agree with the idea of not mixing too many different types of alchol and drinking water a lot. It seems to help us

[LIZA]

Well I have tried my share of alcohol and have not found my magic drink!

For a while I could drink Rum, then got a hangover.........same with Vodka and wine. Dont like beer or Scotch. Tequila KILLS me.

[danc694u]

Our only issues are, what kind to bring. Vodka or Tequilla. David goes limp on Vodka, and I get hang overs with tequilla.

Many people have personality issues (shyness or an inability to let go) like you described in your original post. A bit of liquor helps, so long as it's done in moderation there shouldn't be any problems.

[MattLisa]

Sorry to hear your having so many problems Liza... Ummmm try out some of the higher "grades" with the alchol, from what I've *heard* they aer "purer" or something and don't make you as hungover... The only other thing I can suggest is maybe wine? That's what Matt can get really screwed up on quickly (he can drink a 12pack of beer, no problem, but 2-3 glasses of red wine and he is totally gone...) My "thing" is tequila, but you already said it screwed you up...

[Flori_DAMAN]

Due to my inclination to over indulge I finally had to completely eliminate any alcoholic beverages from my diet.

This is just for those folks that may be considering that they may possibly have a problem with drinking. Some people have body chemistries that are prone to be somewhat unpredictable in responding to the effects of alcohol. Quite often the tolerance goes up for many years and it takes more alcohol to get the same calming effect but by the time it comes it may cause irrational thinking, hence things are done or said that would that person will be embarrased about the next day, or worse.

Approximately 10% of drinkers fall into this category. Many call it alcoholism but that conjurs up visions of skid row drunks getting up and having to drink every day. I was never like that but I did find that I would say and do some things that I would never do straight. I simply stopped drinking. I did not have DT's or anything like that but it did take a lot of self control at first. Now I do not miss it and feel totally normal in any setting completely sober.

I also studied the problem to great extent. Some warning signs are the compulsion to HAVE to drink under certain circumstances. Drinking until you get smashed more than once in a great while. Having problems caused by drinking, i.e. fighting, drunk driving, doing things that you might normally feel are wrong, blackouts, drinking alone, not being able to just have one or two, and having hangovers. Believe it or not most normal drinkers never have hangovers. Some normal drinkers do because of allergies to alcohol though. It does not matter what you drink or how "pure" it is, if you have an allergy you will always get a hangover.

I have yet to attend a party where someone isn't totally smashed, arrogant, loud and smelly, lol. Having been there I regret that some people may have drawn wrong conclusions about who or what I am. If anyone feels that they may fall into this category I would advise doing some self analysis and try putting the bottle down for a long enough time to see that you can indeed have plenty of fun and be uninhibited enough to enjoy yourself without the aid of a numbing chemical.

Also; I found that my sexual enjoyment increases immensely without alcohol.

Almost all of my friends are drinkers and I have absolutely no superiority complex over the issue. I have however been forced to exclude very heavy drinkers from my life because they sometimes have completely dual personalities with/without alcohol just like I did. Just some food for thought in case any readers need to hear it.

Now if I could just quit smoking....sigh.... John.

[LIZA]

Hmmm..........I do have a pretty high tolerance to alcohol. I tend to get a bad headache long before I get wasted. In fact, I can only remember maybe 3 times in the past 5 years I have gotten really drunk.
But it also seems like the hangover is a lot worse if I get only a few hours sleep. I can have a few glasses of wine at home, sleep 8 hours and feel fine the next day.....But I do feel what I would call almost a compulsion to drink in certain settings, just because it eases my extreme anxiety.
I also come from a family with history's of alcohol and drug abuse. But I never black out, fight, get arrested or even act stupid.
So what do you think....do I have a problem??

[Flori_DAMAN]

My doctor informed me that I was borderline from a heavy drinker to an alcoholic. My habits were much worse than yours. I would get PLOWED more than 3 times per month! Sometimes I got in fights and said things I very much regretted the next day.

Regarding sleep: When you are drunk you don't get REM sleep which is what recharges your internal batteries so to speak, and that is one of the reasons why you experience the hangover feeling.

I am not a licensed expert, but I would just say that if your tolerance changes either way that could be a bad sign. Personally, my tolerance went from very very high to relatively low. I went from being able to down well over a 12 pack with a few shots to getting drunk on a 6 pack and a shot. That is because my body's ability to transfer alcohol into waste was reduced due to psycho-physical reactions to over use.
Regarding compulsion. Alcohol can be a form of self-medication. Like any other form if it gets to be used on an abnormal level then it can lead to alcoholism.
There also is a proven genetic factor involved in alcoholism. Not every person that is born to alcoholics becomes one however. IMO you are a relatively light drinker and very aware of your intake. I was told that the best diagnosis for alcoholism is this: If alcohol causes problems in your life then you are a problem drinker. Only the drinker can honestly determine this. Hope that helps Liza. John.

[LIZA]

Thanks.
I think I have had a hard time being a drinker from a family with at least 4 alcoholics and my father an alcoholic and drug addict. But I have had the high tolerance almost all my life, so I don't see a drastic change. Having a husband who has never drunk in his life makes it hard, too!
But I think he is a better match for me than my ex's who were both HEAVY drinkers/users