Dealing with drunk people when you're not

[des1re06]

So, this is the situation. I see this as a common occurrence, since we don’t normally drink to excess.

We’re very attracted to this couple; all 4 are attracted (rare!). During the day by the pool, we have great conversation and get along fine. As the evening wears on, the lady of the couple tends to get wasted.

I licked a body shot off her by the pool, and had a great kissing session. That evening, she was so drunk, she didn’t even seem to know who I was (or where she was for that matter). I’m disappointed, as I thought the earlier fun would progress.

This is a couple we see on a regular basis, and she tends to get like this every time. Hubby avoids drunk women.

Should I explain to her what happened or just chalk it up to “we’re not compatible”? My head’s telling me one thing, but the attraction level is so high, my body’s not listening.

Damn, it’s just so frustrating to finally find that totally compatible couple and be turned off by excessive drinking.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Mrs. D

[TNT]

Does she really want to play? I ask because I've seen some women who really weren't into playing get too drunk to avoid the possibility of playing.

If she does want to play and it just seems that she's just not watching how much she drinks, I'd make a comment earlier in the day to her..."Now be careful with your drinking...I'd like for us to have some fun tonight and if you're too drunk we can't have fun".



Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Another option (if she really wants to play - as I was wondering this as well), is to play during the day before she has a chance to get too drunk.... then you still have the evening free to play with someone else (should the opportunity arise) and not feel like you wasted it on hoping for her.

[des1re06]

She enthusiastically wanted to play, unfortunately not at the appropriate moment. It's not allowed at the pool.

Good idea to suggest play earlier in the day, before the real drinking starts. If they decline before booze, then we'll know they aren't for us.

I knew I'd get some good advice here.

Mrs. D

[lustylearning]

It's sad, I've discovered that no matter how attracted I am to a man, if he's truly drunk, I don't feel like I can connect. It's like, "I want you to want me, not whatever drunken hazy image of me you've developed in the last hour."

[Alura]

Having had an alcoholic step-father during most of my teen years, I'm not very tolerant of drunks. I know how hard it is for alcoholics (and your friend qualifies as one) to break the addiction. Therefore, I'd just look elsewhere for playmates.

On the other hand, we owe it to our friends who have problems, no matter what the issue, to try to help. So let me just say, "Talk to her about your feelings before she starts drinking." You run the risk of her becoming angry, a common reaction with boozers, but such a reaction would likely convince you that there is nothing you can do to help until she decides she must help herself.

If she understands that there is little you can do beyond offering her concern and understanding, you may be well on your way to a very satisfying friendship as well as a very attractive playmate.

Good Luck!

Mr. Alura

[SnowwwWhite]

I would be concerned about anyone who gets "wasted" to the point where they didn't seem to recognize you.

Maybe I'm just susceptible to public service messages but hasn't the CDC and other health organizations been emphasizing that normally responsible people tend to end up with STDs during encounters they had when they were intoxicated? It makes sense that when a person is drunk they lack the judgment to choose partners wisely and don't have the inhibition to stop the fun to use condoms. Baaaaaaad combination.

I would worry that your potential play partner's drinking problem might very well have put her at risk for STDs during other encounters you haven't personally witnessed. One of the articles I remember reading mentioned the tendency for the normally "responsible" people to not get tested after a binge lapse because they're in denial that their actions are risky, and to get tested requires them to admit their drinking is a problem affecting their health and their life. So meanwhile they're out spreading diseases while representing themselves as a responsible D/D-free person. Maybe you should listen to your subconscious apprehension about this potential play partner. There's probably a reason your gut is telling you no.

Just something to think about.

[des1re06]

Great advice - and you've reminded me why we don't play with drunks and take time to know playmates. Sometimes we just need a kick in the ass, so we avoid the wrong play partners.

Damn, it's a shame to find a couple we're both attracted to and then realize they're not right for us.

Thanks!

Mrs. D

[SnowwwWhite]

Thanks

The good news is that there are plenty of other attractive (and sober) couples probably looking for someone just like you.

There's a lot of fish in the sea.... And a good fisherman knows when to throw one back.

Good luck!

[VegasLee]

As a person that reads and studies most everything dealing in this lifestyle since I report on it for many publications I can attest there is nothing, anywhere that has stated or proven that being drunk gives you a better chance of contracting a STD of any kind.

Shared drug needles will spread disease.

Yes, being drunk can make for bad judgment but the swingers date club has no stats published at all stating that you are more apt to get an STD while drunk.

STD's are a chance you take being in this lifestyle. The chance has been proven to be very small but it is there.

Good common sense needs to be used by all in this lifestyle.

As far as someone that has to be drunk all the time to be in this lifestyle, that pretty much is telling you the person can not deal with what they are doing. They have to get drunk to deal with it.

I personally would not want to be with someone that has to drink to much to have a good time and cope with the Lifestyle.

[SnowwwWhite]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I can attest there is nothing, anywhere that has stated or proven that being drunk gives you a better chance of contracting a STD of any kind.

Yes, being drunk can make for bad judgment but the swingers date club has no stats published at all stating that you are more apt to get an STD while drunk.

To clarify, being drunk does not "literally" give someone a better chance of contracting an STD. It's the impaired judgment of intoxication that can cause a person to not evaluate their sex partners carefully (or not play safe) that ultimately puts them at a higher than normal risk.

A sober person who pays attention to the behavior and reputation of potential sex partners, has the presence of mind to ask questions, and has the self-control to decline a partner that may be irresponsible or high risk will have a better chance of staying clean longer than someone who throws caution to the wind (whether in a drunken stupor or (sorry!) just through brazen stupidity.)

No, I don't know of any CDC statistics to quote but I've seen the PSAs developed to remind people to drink responsibly and consider possible health consequences (ie. STDs). Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with organizations trying to educate the public... and I don't need drummed up government statistics to give me pause to think about something.

Although, for those who aren't familiar with the PSA process, grant money is awarded for those campaigns when research starts to reveal emerging trends that need to be addressed.

[MapleSwingers]

We were in deep conversation with a couple once when the subject of another couple came up and how the lady had been rude to me one night at the club because she was drunk and that she sent me an apology via message. I mentionned that it's too bad she is always wasted or things like this would not happen and they defended her by saying that she is a mother and works hard and you can't blame her for letting her hair down and partying a bit when going out for the night. Nope, you sure can't, only problem is that we've never seen this lady sober, ever!

Our advice, tell her straight out that her excessive drinking makes it hard for you to take get it on with her since you are too nice of a person to take advantage of a drunk person. It's cheesy I know, but it may just work.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by SnowwwWhite

A sober person who pays attention to the behavior and reputation of potential sex partners, has the presence of mind to ask questions, and has the self-control to decline a partner that may be irresponsible or high risk will have a better chance of staying clean longer than someone who throws caution to the wind (whether in a drunken stupor or (sorry!) just through brazen stupidity.)

So just how do you judge whether a potential partner is "high risk"? Do you quiz them on all of their past sexual encounters? To most vanilla people everyone in the swinging lifestyle would be considered "high risk", so I would think that would end up being a pretty relative thing.

What I find interesting is that 90% of the people I have seen post that they have gotten anything from swinging (and the overall number of those I have encountered is VERY small) but of those who have gotten something, most I have seen or talked to got it from their first encounter (or one of their first) with someone that they trusted and felt was responsible.

The only way to completely get around the risk is the same as the only way to avoid the risk of pregnancy... don't have sex... or in our world... don't swing.

In the end, whether someone feels the need to be drunk to swing, or if they are just someone who occasionally gets drunk and then swings, or if they are always sober it really makes no difference to their likelihood of ending up with something.

[cuminmd]

the only way my wife will play is if she if she's drunk. she talks a good game when she's sober telling me about the guys she wants to do but then backs down. when she drinks she will flirt and do what ever she wants. all i say is have fun its always with people we know so i don't worry about something happing to her.

[SnowwwWhite]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

The only way to completely get around the risk is the same as the only way to avoid the risk of pregnancy... don't have sex... or in our world... don't swing.

In the end, whether someone feels the need to be drunk to swing, or if they are just someone who occasionally gets drunk and then swings, or if they are always sober it really makes no difference to their likelihood of ending up with something.

I guess I just look at things in a calculated risk kind of way. I personally believe that if someone is smashed that they are most likely not using their best judgment. I also know from having friends who get wasted and have unprotected sex with guys they wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole otherwise. Being intoxicated removes inhibitions that would have otherwise signaled "danger ahead!"

Case in point. I know how I get when I'm drunk. I had a threesome with my best friend and her boyfriend. She is a risky girl in my opinion. Sober, I would have been thinking "Sheesh, I know where she's been (and which incurable STD her ex has) and I don't want to go there!" Drunk, I let her suck me in and just went with it. The risk I was taking was not registering in my hazy drunken mind. I was not using my better judgment due to intoxication and I took a risk I DEFINITELY would not have taken had I been sober. Fortunately, I managed to escape the consequences that time but I don't want to push my luck!

Since I'm very new to the lifestyle and still considering my options maybe I just haven't read the memo yet that says it's commonplace to have sex with whoever you want as long as there's attraction. I still have a sense of hesitation and want to stay STD-free. Maybe that means I'll only play with select couples I've taken time to know (yes, including asking them questions).

Maybe that also means I won't have as much fun as the ones who "just go with it," and maybe I'm missing the point of swinging altogether. But I do know one thing: As long as I control my drinking I'll make wiser decisions in who I play with. And I'll still have fun in a way I'm comfortable with, and with a risk I'm comfortable with. And I'll be less of a risk to the people I play with.