How to let hubby know his drinking to much is a turn off

[rdy2roll]

Hubby and I are new to swinging. We've had one very enjoyable encounter, gone to a few clubs, and have generally enjoyed ourselves.
BUT.... I am pretty sure that my hubby's drinking is turning other couples off, it turns me off and embarrasses me, and I'm not sure of the best way to tell him this.
Let me back up a bit and explain us....we have two small children, 1 and 2, and we get out once a week, so of course, we like to let loose and have some fun. We both enjoy drinking, and in other situations, how much he drinks is not an issue....he's a very happy drunk, and is much more comfortable approaching people with a bit of alcohol courage...as am I, I must say....when we go out, I know that I'm the one who will get us home, so I limit how much I drink, but it doesn't stop me from having fun. To put things in perspective, he will drink a whole 60 of rye himself, so he can hold his alcohol.
Now, he thinks that I don't want to be in the lifestyle, as lately, he doesn't think I've been putting much effort into meeting people....which I confess, I haven't....I know, that if I saw a couple and one was noticable drunk, they would not be my first choice to have fun with.....am I wrong in thinking that his drinking turns people off??
I know that I have to tell him how I feel, and I can see a big fight coming from it, so I'm asking for a bit of help in how best to approach the subject. I have hinted at him not drinking quite so much....that he could still have lots of fun without drinking so much....but to no avail.....so here I am for help. Has anyone else gone through something similar....any tips, suggestions, ideas? Am I totally off base in my thinking? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[meandher2go]

sounds more like a drinking problem than a swinging one

[WesternSwing]

We know a couple who are sloppy drunks, to the point of being obnoxious. Really obnoxious. We have also noticed that they are not on any of the invites to parties anymore either. So if your husband wants to remain on the party lists he should definitely keep his drinking under control in public. You are right, nobody wants to play with someone like that. He needs to realize it. But if he indeed has a problem he probably won't, and all the telling him you can do will just piss him off because everbody knows, they don't have a drinking problem, you have a problem with their drinking.

I would check-out some local Al-Anon chapters and get some information there. They are better qualified to help you with this problem then most of us could ever hope to be.

Mr. WS

[VegasLee]

I would try doing just has you have done here. TELL THE TRUTH! You know what you need to do, you just did it here.

Sit him down, tell him that you want to be in the lifestyle and you want to meet new people but that you have backed off because his drinking it turning others off and embarrassing you. Keep it simple and truthful. Don't raise your voice, get mad or attach. Just explain it plain and simple.

He might get pissed, but don't fall into fighting about it. Fighting gets you nowhere.

You explained it here and you can explain it to him if you really want to.

If you want to keep swinging or even keep your own relationship you have to do this.

[rdy2roll]

hmmm...well, i don't agree with him having a drinking problem....granted, i think he could drink less and have just as much fun, but he doesn't drink like that every day or even once a week....just when we go out to bars or clubs....which is maybe twice a month. so perhaps i didn't explain it well enough.

[intuition897]

I'm no doctor, and I haven't got the experience to say whether or not I think your husband has a drinking problem, but just from a personal perspective...a 60 of rye is a helluva lot of alcohol. You don't build up that kind of tolerance overnight. I will say that my grandparents were both alcoholics, and they were the happiest drunks you ever saw. As others have suggested, you might checking out al-anon online or something...see if they have a "checklist" of symptoms of alcoholism. You know your husband best, and we know nothing at all about him.

Another thing you might consider is whether or not he "needs" to have a bit of liquid courage before swinging. It's been said many a time: swinging and alcohol just don't mix. When judgment is chemically skewed and inhibitions are out the window, all sorts of stupid decisions have been made. There are plenty who can attest to that. And they've ended up doing things that they wish hadn't happened.

Mr. intuition and I make a habit of avoiding people who have obviously overindulged at a club (and they risk being removed from the premises by the management, too). Why?

1) Because we look for very "real" and genuine people, and people who are under the influence of alcohol are not themselves.
2) Because I have to wonder whether or not I'll be cleaning vomit out of my shoes the next day. (Sorry, it's just an immediate reaction)
3) Because alcohol impedes sexual performance.
4) Because we don't want to wonder whether or not we're enabling someone to do something that they need alcohol to tolerate doing (eg: guilt issues, moral issues, religious issues, etc. that need to be drunk away).
5) Because just as it's wrong to have sex with someone who is too drunk to remember it the next day, if we feel there's a chance that a potential playmate is not in full control of his/her faculties, we feel that it's just as wrong.

I sure hope this doesn't offend you, rdy2. We don't mean to. It's just honest opinion (which you asked for, right? I hope? lol). Please keep in touch and keep us updated on your progress. Wishing you both the best.

[chinadoll]

Hi there...I am new to swinging also and new to the boards. I thought that I would offer my thoughts on how you might be able to approach this as well though. If you are concerned about fighting...which I can understand...try a different approach maybe. You could mention to him at some point that you have noticed other couples that display this type of behavior and it is really unsettling to you, not the type of people you would like to be involved with. Then maybe tell him..."I sure don't want to come across that way, maybe we should put a limit on what we drink when we go out, so that we don't come across that way either." This way it takes the emphasis off of him specifically, but might bring to his attention that TOO much drinking is a turn off.

Just a thought. I have a hot headed hubby, so I try to think of other ways to get around being blunt sometimes to avoid a fight if I can. I hope you find a solution.

[sexyshelby]

During college, my boyfriend was the same way. He always drank too much - usually to the point of making himself sick. Sometimes he was a happy drunk and others not. I always hated this and he knew it. He's toned it down now. Unfortunately, I can't remember what caused him to stop doing this. I know we talked aobut it but don't know what the catalyst was.

I wouldn't say that he had a drinking problem as he only drank on weekends. But he did overindulge.

One thing that I have found to help, for both of us, is to have a drink every night...just a glass of wine or a beer. For me it's a great way to unwind but it also helps to build my tolerance and keeps me less likely to want to drink too much when I go out.
Clearly if your husband does have a serious problem then this is a terrible decision and you should seek professional help.

I agree with the others, you should approach him just the way you told us. Explain your concerns and feelings. Try to get to the underlying reasons for why he drinks a whole 60 of rye at a time.

For me a drink or two will do the trick to gain confidence and feel loose enough to talk to others. It doesn't make me sloppy and I would think it wouldn't turn others off from me.

Good luck.
~SS

[lovedoctor]

A happy drunk is still a drunk. Personally, I would not want to play with a couple if either one of them had a tendency to get sloppy drunk. And I would probably tell a couple why I didn't want to play, especially if they asked me. If you are having trouble getting play-dates, perhaps you could consider leading him into some insight into his problem and then suggesting some of the solutions noted above.

Good luck! With work, this can improve your relationship.

[fun_pairTX]

You probably not going to like my answer, but your husband does indeed have a drinking problem. I speak from the position of an alcoholic. I was pretty much intoxicated for 22 years and I have now been sober for 18 years. All the time I was drinking: I never lost a job, in fact I topped my salary out ahead of schedule at every level to which I was promoted. I never hit or even yelled at my wife or kids. I was the perfect happy drunk. I could consume enormous quantities of alcohol with minimal effect. I never got sick from drinking. I never had a DUI. In short I thought I was the epitome of the "functional alcoholic".
Then one fine day I came to realize that there is no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic. All that time I had been fooling myself as well as the others around me. I made some phone calls and checked myself into rehab, it took years of hard work, but I have managed to maintain my sobriety.
Talk to your husband, yes you may piss him off at first. Don't nag about it, just plant the seed in his head. When he is ready to go he will go, forcing it will hurt more than help. I wouldn't recommend swinging, it is likely a real moral mindf*cker for him whether he is conscious of it or not. Get some information for yourself from Al-Anon. If I can be of any help message me. Godspeed

Mr Fun

[trick59]

fun_pairtx is right on the nose. i am a recovering alcoholic of over 12 years and it sure sounds to me like you have a stick of dynamite with the fuse lit. the loved ones of alcoholics make excuses for them all the time. one of my favorites is, "oh but he works" an alcoholic that works is one that is protecting his supply. no work no booze. ever hear of binge drinking. many alcoholics are able to go weeks and even months without drinking, but when they do drink it's always to excess. do yourself a favor, get the book alcoholics anonymous and read it. you will find your husband in there. and when you find him have him read it. if he's not an alcoholic he'll have no objections, if he is, he'll have a ton of excuses why he shouldn't. the book was written around 1932 and hasn't changed since then because alcoholics then and now are all the same. same patterns, same behaviour. the only one that can help him is him. you just might have to open a door or two for him. denile is not a river in egypt. good luck
Pat

[beaverz]

You may have a drinking problem:
If your drinking causes others not to want to be around you
If your drinking causes those close to you to be embarrassed
If you need to get drunk every time that you drink
If those closest to you change their lifestyle because of your drinking
And
If your drinking will cause a big fight when someone close to you tries to talk to you about your drinking

I hate to pile on, but he does have a problem, to what extent is another issue. I’m not saying he needs to take classes, but it is to the point where it’s making others uncomfortable and that’s including you.

To what VegasLee said, be honest and tell him the truth, it’s limiting the couples that are willing to play.

Good luck!!!

[kevin&danielle]

Oh poo poo on all this drinking problem stuff...As I read it the Mr. likes to drink when they go out partying and the Mrs. is concerned that he takes it to an extreme and couples may stay away because of it. I remember my first experiences in swinging when I drank too much also (and the Mrs. sometimes too). I used alcohol as a means to get over my inhibitions and I distinctly remember one couple at a party that wanted to play with us when approached by my wife but changed their mind when they saw how intoxicated I was. Just be up front with him and tell him your concerns. "Hun, I want to talk about something but don't want to offend you or cause a fight". Of course he will have the choice to continue to drink too much but at least it will be out on the table and may hit home when he notices that you two don't get the attention you deserve. Another suggestion is to play early in the evening. We are attending a party this Saturday and we have invited a couple over for a pre-party party facelick Of course all of us will have a drink or two but nobody will be sloppy drunk. Good luck and happy hunting.

Kevin

[sweetshyquiet]

My opinion on whether this is a drinking problem or a swinging problem has already been said by someone else, so I won't repeat it.

But I can offer this one possible strategy as to "how to break the news":

Suggest that the next time you go to an event, it's with the promise that he'll stay sober all night and be the designated driver, so you can get your drink on and have fun. Tell him you just want to try it from the other side for once and really let loose.

It's a perfectly reasonable request, and at the very least, if he says "sure!" right away, you'll get to see how he interacts with people when he's sober, and see if your suspicions are right that his drinking is turning people off. Your point might be made for you if he sees that other couples and groups seem much more receptive and interested.

On the other hand, if he responds, "uh uh, no WAY!!!" then you'll have a perfect conversation opening to discuss his drinking, and whether he is using it as a social crutch.

Because if it's not a problem, then he shouldn't have any trouble giving it up for your sake.

[BiWoman33]

I think the potential for alcohol abuse , which will always lead to alcoholism if left unchecked, certainly exists here. It's worth examining for both of you. Another important point to make about alcoholism is that other alcoholics will say there is no problem, you're fine. Dangerous friends, unfortunately.

I think Intuition(always on target,and so well said) stated very clearly the reasons why most swingers would avoid someone who is heavily intoxicated. For all parties concerned, those are important points she made, and I think they speak to the real integrity of the majority of swingers. If you both feel he has no problem with alcohol, ease into it with smaller groups of people and find your comfort level, if this is still something you want to pursue.

And besides, having sex with someone who is loaded HURTS. Their nerves are far less sensitive and I find they handle people too rough! And for guys, it tends to make them less rigid- and less satisfying. I know from having dated an alcoholic. Worst sex I ever had....sweet man,though.