Drama due to vanilla/non vanilla friends together

[BandM3412]

I've searched the forums and found some similar situations but I wanted to go ahead and recount ours for your insightful comment

Here it goes- We got involved in the lifestyle after a lot of discussion and pillow talk, about a year and a half ago. To our pleasant suprise, we were welcomed in and met some really great people. As it turns out, not everyone is into the "hit it and quit it' thing. We had several great encounters with one couple and decided to branch out a little. Well it turns out that the next couple we played with was also friends with a vanilla s/f friend of ours. Also, as it turns out, the vanilla friend knew of the others couples lifestyle and, once she knew we were friends with them, began to "warn" us about them and say some very negative things about them.

Chapter two- Here's where it takes a wrong turn. After having a really good mixed (vanilla and non) party, the s/f friend stayed saying she was too drunk to drive. She began the lifestyle talk about the other couple not knowing that we had played with them and, well in the interest of time I'll cut to the chase. One thing led to another and the vanilla friend and my wife played a little but I declined(not really into her). The very next day we get a call from the couple telling us that the s/f was bad mouthing US!!! We decided not to mention that she talked bad about them every chance she got- you know- trying to take the high road and all-. Now at this point we have played with all of 2 couples- and they had played and introduced us- we have now been branded "sluts" and the swinger couple stoped calling or returning email.

We decided to delete the profile and take a break for a while. The part I'm not sure about is do we defend ourselves or just continue to high road it? We want to get back involved but....

Is this even remotley similar to anything anyone has seen? We wanted to make a small group of friends and have a good time, not hook up with someone new every weekend and it seems to have back fired!!!

I rambled a bit but hopefully I was clear enough as to get a word or two of advice.

[JustAskJulie]

I don't think this is a reason to quit swinging. I'm thinking just take the high road and probably move away from the single female. You don't need friends like that (swinger or vanilla).

Unfortunately, and I hate to say it, but I've seen this type of drama (lack of discretion) with singles before (male and female)... but then I've seen it with couples too. I think it's a matter of people wanting to be the center of attention and they build themselves up and make themselves feel better by talking bad about others.

[lustylearning]

You have nothing to defend. Those who care about you will see beyond gossipy princess games, and those who are inclined to believe everything they hear are people you don't want to be with anyway. The only thing I'd suggest is that you steer clear of the vanilla drama queen.

[jjtrindc]

I agree with the other respondents. The real issue here isn't swinging. Take that out of the equation and ask yourselves whether you want to be friends with someone who is bad mouthing others (and now you) behind their backs. Take the high road and leave the baggage behind!

[2plus2fun]

Originally Posted by BandM3412

I've searched the forums and found some similar situations but I wanted to go ahead and recount ours for your insightful comment

Here it goes- We got involved in the lifestyle after a lot of discussion and pillow talk, about a year and a half ago. To our pleasant suprise, we were welcomed in and met some really great people. As it turns out, not everyone is into the "hit it and quit it' thing. We had several great encounters with one couple and decided to branch out a little. Well it turns out that the next couple we played with was also friends with a vanilla s/f friend of ours. Also, as it turns out, the vanilla friend knew of the others couples lifestyle and, once she knew we were friends with them, began to "warn" us about them and say some very negative things about them.

Chapter two- Here's where it takes a wrong turn. After having a really good mixed (vanilla and non) party, the s/f friend stayed saying she was too drunk to drive. She began the lifestyle talk about the other couple not knowing that we had played with them and, well in the interest of time I'll cut to the chase. One thing led to another and the vanilla friend and my wife played a little but I declined(not really into her). The very next day we get a call from the couple telling us that the s/f was bad mouthing US!!! We decided not to mention that she talked bad about them every chance she got- you know- trying to take the high road and all-. Now at this point we have played with all of 2 couples- and they had played and introduced us- we have now been branded "sluts" and the swinger couple stoped calling or returning email.

We decided to delete the profile and take a break for a while. The part I'm not sure about is do we defend ourselves or just continue to high road it? We want to get back involved but....

Is this even remotley similar to anything anyone has seen? We wanted to make a small group of friends and have a good time, not hook up with someone new every weekend and it seems to have back fired!!!

I rambled a bit but hopefully I was clear enough as to get a word or two of advice.

Be careful of calling people friends that aren't really your friends... Sharon and I never kiss and tell.

[Styluss]

Take this as an important lesson! You knew this woman was "talking badly" about your other friends, yet you chose to get involved with her anyway -- did you REALLY think she'd be any different with you two?!

Also, I always make it clear when someone starts "talking s--t" that I don't like gossip and won't be a part of it. It also makes me wonder if that person is a good friend to ME -- what are they saying behind MY back?

Trust your instincts. You had a bad feeling about this woman at the begining. Don't talk yourself into being friends with anyone.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by BandM3412

...The very next day we get a call from the couple telling us that the s/f was bad mouthing US!!! We decided not to mention that she talked bad about them every chance she got- you know- trying to take the high road and all-. Now at this point we have played with all of 2 couples- and they had played and introduced us- we have now been branded "sluts" and the swinger couple stoped calling or returning email.

I'd like to focus on this couple who you've been playing with, successfully, up until this s/f bad mouthed you.

I have a couple of thoughts, depending on what your swing arrangements are. Here's the first:

This couple is no better than the s/f in my view. For them to ignore you after telling you the s/f was bad mouthing you and then dropping you flat, sounds like they believe her.

If they were going to drop you they should have done so without first telling you it was due to gossip. The fact that they dropped you because of gossip says they value the s/f opinions more than they do their own opinion of you that has developed during your relationship together.

My second thought:

Did you have an exclusive swing relationship with these two couples? If so, it could be why the couple now thinks you're "sluts." If you went outside the rules you've set with this couple then there may be more to the story than you've mentioned in your OP that could give insight as to why all this went down the way it did.


Playing with the s/f was a bad decision all the way around. But I think you know that.

LM

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by BandM3412

We decided to delete the profile and take a break for a while. The part I'm not sure about is do we defend ourselves or just continue to high road it? We want to get back involved but....

We wanted to make a small group of friends and have a good time, not hook up with someone new every weekend and it seems to have back fired!!!

Your friends may see the deletion of your profile as a sign of guilt on your part...that you feel you have done wrong and the gossip is true.

For these reasons I don't feel you should have deleted your profiile. Get yourselves back on.

Regarding defending yourselves, that would probably not do much good. It would likely end up a she said we said walk through Hell. Maybe a time will come when you run into this couple where they are hospitable and they turn the conversation to this issue. If so, handle things as best possible, the less said the better.

Because you mentioned wanting a small group of friends I am perplexed as to why you opened the door to the s/f with the yappy mouth who isn't even a swinger--from what I gathered from your post. But then, she may be swinging with all the couples you know and none of them want to share her and she is having a ball screwing with all of you...in body and mind.

LM

[BandM3412]

Thanks for the input. There are some valid points and we have considered most of them already. I think the one that hits closest is Julie's when she said bad mounth others makes her feel better about her self. There was no exculsivity agreement between anyone, the limited number of couples was our choice going in. As far thinking we were not going to be talked about, well that was just a dumb mistake on our part and we realized too late what kind of person we were dealing with. I've known her for years and for some silly reason, thought maybe she was cool. OH well live and learn. After posting this last night I went ahead and sent the first of two couples we played with an email and got an almost imediate response asking how we were and were the hell have been. They said we were missed and the fewmutul LS friends we have had been asking about us. So i tseems all is well and we can just chalk this up to a newbie mistake and go forward with a vluble lesson learned.

Again, that's for the input. Matbe it's just our limited exposure so far, but it sure seems that this lifestyle lends itself to being a lot more friendly and undersatnding that "regular" adult friendships.

We are going to jump back in soon, well as soon as I take off about 10lbs!!!

[PB&J]

Originally Posted by BandM3412

We are going to jump back in soon, well as soon as I take off about 10lbs!!!

Why wait? There are lots of us out there who could stand to lose a few, but that doesn't get in the way of having a good time.

[NCfuncouple98]

I agree! If I waited to get to the weight I want, we wouldn't have even gone to the club yet! Go enjoy yourselves - there are plenty of people in the lifestyle that are not their goal weight - most folks are not looking for Ken and Barbie.

[Meetussoon]

The swinger community in our area, even with several hundred thousand residents, is small, and I suspect that is true everywhere. Thus, shared fun, and unfortunatley some jealous and gossip does occurr. Our policy is never to kiss and tell, and never "share" any information, good or bad, about our friends unless they give us permission. We only comment on other couples/singles if and when we think there is a true safety issue.

Unfortunately we have had one or two of those. The male half of a couple who told us they were not interested, called my wife at work, tracking her down from several work locations (she had mentioned her employer but not which location), and got very defensive when we told him that was innapropriate for two reasons; 1) We don't call people at work, its work, vanilla or swinger, and 2) they were not interested as a couple, but he was chasing my wife on his own.

Stay on the high road, share the good about friends if they give you permission, otherwise just keep on being honest with each other and friends. If someone asks you outright about the facts, feel free to not comment or tell the truth.

meetussoon

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by BandM3412

After posting this last night I went ahead and sent the first of two couples we played with an email and got an almost imediate response asking how we were and were the hell have been. They said we were missed and the fewmutul LS friends we have had been asking about us. So i tseems all is well and we can just chalk this up to a newbie mistake and go forward with a vluble lesson learned.

Be careful here not to allow yourself to do what the S/F was doing to you. Continue to take the high road and when others ask what happened to you just reply that you ran into some drama and it gave you pause, so you took a bit of a break to step back and regroup. Don't give more details than that.

If someone, who has heard bits from the S/F or others, asks you specifically about the situation with the S/F and what she was saying. Again just say that's a discussion you'd rather not get into as it's between you and her.

It's easy to let things slip or to say something you wish you hadn't when drama occurs. Good Luck and as others said... why wait... if you are happy with you who are, go and enjoy. Now, if you just can't stand the site of yourself to the point that you can't stand being naked... then you might want to wait.

[ncmd_couple]

One thing that I have not seen mentioned here is that the Golden Unicorn is highly desired in the swinging community. It is very possible that the other couple had played with her before because she knew about them being swingers. And the single fem is playing a game and jerking people around because of the desirabilty of a single fem. I'm just bringing this up because she was the center of the problem. She has her own game going here.

S

[lurkergirl]

I think one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in swinging was agreeing to play with a couple that were borderline "vanilla". The wife asked me, and I was flattered by the request, so I didn't take into consideration the fact that everytime I was around her, she was constantly name-dropping. *Duh!*

Of course, after I played with them, she continued to name-drop, but with my name ammended to the list....stupid, stupid, stupid.

Best lesson I ever learned from the lifestyle, if they talk about others, they'll talk about you. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on doing what you want to do with your life. If their life is so dull that they have to liven it up by gossipping, so be it, but it doesn't have to affect your decisions.