What do they mean when they say "Not into (head/mind) Games"?

[K2]

I have been editing profiles for a swinger's website for about 3 years now. It seems that the one of the most common statements that people make when posting an ad is "Please, no mind games!"

In your opinion, what would you say that the definition of "Mind Games" is?

I would love to come up with a decent way to explain it, and I have struggled with how to phrase it so people know what that term means in general.

Thanks for your time.

[Alura]

Gosh, who knows, K2? Our guess would be someone who pretends to be interested in playing but never follows through. It's all in their minds, maybe.

The definitions are probably as numerous as those defining it.

Alura

[CanadianCouple]

Mind games, in this context, means someone deliberately misleading others they come in contact with, in this case over the internet. Most often an individual posing as a couple, or an actual couple presenting themselves as swingers when in fact they're not. Why? Most often curiousity, to see what kind of responses their ad generates, and how many. For others, it's how they get their thrills, a kind of cyber role-playing, if you will. Rarely is any thought given to people they're lying to, they're in it strictly for themselves.

[ILcouple]

Yeah what CanadianCouple said.

[K2]

I know that is a tough one to try and define.

So in a nutshell you would say that Mind Games is basically "Lying your ass off?"

There are a few people that are truly evil though.

I have heard of people who have agreed to meet at certain times and places on email and then nobody shows up.

I have also heard of men, posting as women, to attract bi females and then bait them along with the hopes of somehow meeting them.

They only good way I know of to cut through the crap is to INSIST on talking on the phone after a couple of emails rather than get all involved in some type of charade.

Anyone have any horror stories to share to educate people?

[Julie and Randie]

We definitely have a horror story..although what we learned from it I'm still not sure.

Hubby and I met a man (we'll refer to him as "Larry") in a chat room. Larry told us that he had a girlfriend who was interested in swinging. We chatted back and forth for a few weeks. We only had one phone call from them, the only time we ever spoke to "her". Finally, we set a tentative date. We told Larry that we would let him know when we found a babysitter for that night. All week, he sent messages...sometimes 10 a day before we would answer, demanding to know if we had a babysitter yet...and if we didn't answer within a few minutes he would continue to message, saying things like, "Oh well, I had a feeling you two weren't for real", or "Are you going to answer me?"...we lead busy lives, and would try to explain that whenever we would get back on to chat...but he was never satisfied with that. Finally, hubby and I grew tired of his constant demands and temper. We tried as gently as possible to explain that we no longer were interested, that we didn't think that we would suit very well...

Well he didn't like that one bit....he grew angry and started making threats about giving our phone number out to everyone on the net...and saying that he would turn us in to social services - allegedly for "swinging with kids in the house"...which of course was preposterous. We had never had an experience, much less with our kids in the house. I tried as politely a possible to explain to him that it was his personality that was turning us off...but he wouldn't hear it. He had it in his head by then that we were playing games with him.

A few days later, we started talking to a new couple...and after another few weeks of chatting with them, agreed upon a meeting place and time - near where they lived, which was an hour drive for us. We arrived that night, nervous but eager. They never showed. We learned later that they were friends of Larry's...it was a set up, just to "get back" at us.

I guess we did learn not to give out our home phone number after that....but it was a very irritating ordeal. Thank goodness we have since met people who are not as sick and twisted. Larry still messages us from time to time. I wish we could just wash our hands of him once and for all.

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by K2:
IThey only good way I know of to cut through the crap is to INSIST on talking on the phone after a couple of emails rather than get all involved in some type of charade.

We agree, although we've been burned even after speaking with both over the phone. For some of these assholes, they take the charade to the extreme.

This reminds me of part of a conversation we overheard while attending our very first social, just over three years ago. We were seated at a long table that sat many couples, and one of them were relating how they have what they consider a fool-proof method of guaging other couples without their knowing it. Specifically, it worked like this -- the couple in question would always insist on meeting new people in a particular public locale. It afforded them a vantage point to observe the people they were meeting without they themselves being seen. And if they didn't like what they saw, they'd simply leave and stand the other couple up.

My wife and I were both so incensed by the callousness of what we heard, we nearly spoke up ourselves. But we were aware of the fact this was our first social, so we clammed up, but just barely. You just don't treat people like that, no matter what. We've met several couples in person where both J and I knew on sight we'd never have sex with them, but you see the meeting through regardless.

It's just the decent thing to do.

Dan and Janette

[MiCpl]

Our "horror" story if you will was a couple we met online. We met in the person a couple of times and had fun (never played). Seemed to be developing a good friendship. This was close to the end of the year and the subject of NYE came up. We talked about it and thought it would be cool to all four of us go out together to the next town (closest place to really go out and have fun), just for a fun night, no pressure, hang out, dance, party whatever and get a room there so we didn't have to drive back. Since we were the more experienced couple we didn't want them to feel like they were being pushed into anything and made that clear up front, let them know that sharing a hotel room did not mean that anything had to happen that night.. we were all just going out for fun (the bulk of the plan had been their idea anyway). Well we passed on several other opporutinities for NYE because of these plans and on NYE we were all ready to go out. The plan was for them to meet us at our place between 7 and 8 and we'd drive in together.

Well around 4:30 or so I sat down at my computer and went online. They caught me on ICQ with an "BTW, we won't be able to make it tonight"... "but we were thinking about going to movie here locally if you guys want to go". No reason for cancelling, nothing.... and at that point it was too late to do any of the other things we had been offered.

Needless to say we weren't happy and pretty much never spoke to them again.

[K2]

I also have heard of couples that think they are too good for anyone else and treat this whole lifestlye choice as some type of CIA covert mission.

The couple that overheard the other couple saying that they liked to "Stalk" other couples first is a something that I think is all too common.

Why the hell can't people just meet like honest indivuals and if they don't get sexually excited just say "Thanks for your interest in us, but we don't feel we are a good match?"

People are not going to go out and shoot themselves just because they all didn't get along.

Think about the dynamics of swinging (couples dating) for a second if you will.

To begin with, you are asking a lot for just 2 people to be attracted to each other. Now when you throw 4 into the mix the mathmatical odds of everyone getting along goes up, way up.

My experience has been that in most cases at least 1 of the 4 winds up being dragged into a sexual situation that they really don't want just to keep everyone happy. That person usually seems to be a woman. When men get the "urge" it really doesn't matter as we tend to be able to ignore a lot of faults to fill our need to procreate that was programmed into our DNA.

Women on the other hand, in my humble opinon, just don't get all jacked up in 5 minutes and tend to like to really get to know people. Most guys are ready to rock and roll on the first meeting everytime no matter what. Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn on and off my male hormones for the good of the situation.

These are some great stories everyone can learn by and I am loving them. Well, I feel bad for you, but I like to read them.

Hey Julie, why not start a poll for the worst couples date from hell?

[LikeMinds321]

I keep seeing mention in swingers' profiles a statement something like "We're not into games." or "We're not interested in players."

I've always assumed these statements were simply a way of saying, "We want real, honest, down-to-earth folks to swing with."

Oh wise and mighty swingers, please clarify for me.

What do these statements mean?

LM

[OhioCouple]

Just like other statements such as, 'bi-passive', 'bi-friendly', 'HWP only'....well you get the idea. They are all subjective and each profile may have a different meaning of what it means. If you are interested in a profile, contact them. What can it hurt? Ask them to be more clear on the issue.

While I would assume to be what you asked as not wanting to hear from married men posing as couples/singles or those that want to play endless games of e-mails without ever meeting....it could also mean "Hey, we don't like games of any kind. So if you are a golf, dart, football, basketball...etc, enthusist, Do not contact us." Seriously, I've seen stranger things over the course of the last three years.

[Alura]

Originally posted by LikeMinds321
I keep seeing mention in swingers' profiles a statement something like "We're not into games." or "We're not interested in players."


LM

I've always thought these two sentences mean, "If you want to meet and fuck, we're interested; if you want to talk, we're not." But what do I know? I'm just a hick Okie, LM.

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321]

My dear Mr. Alura:

Your epitaph will read...

"But what did he know, he was just a hick Okie."



LM

[EternallySingle]

Usually "not into games" means not interested in learning about your interests or teling you about theirs. "No players" means don't want to spend any time talking and getting down to sex right away. But thats just on swinger ads.

In real life and non-sex sites, "not into games" means not misrepresenting yourself and telling each other personal information so you can get to know each other better and "No players" means people not interested in only talking about sex or scoring. Funny, huh?

[frenzb4sex]

We usually determine those that "play games" are those that are more than willing to talk about anything and everything, but when it comes down to making a date to meet or what not, they make every excuse in the book or somehow dodge it. I think that game players are also those that are chronic cancellers...we'll usually give the couple two times, but if it happens that many times (especially consecutively), we move along.

Tim