Wife unsure of meeting other swingers from the internet

[strummer]

We want to meet other couples to open our relationship and I have found some interesting couples from our area that want to meet (found them online), but my beautiful and sexual wife is unsure about meeting people through the internet...

She wants to experiement with another couple but wishes it would just "happen" someday. I agree that you can never force it to happen, but I also know none of our current friends are "open" like we want to be. So it seems that the best way to meet other couples like us is through the internet.

She feels that it is unsafe because you never know who your talking to (some weirdo/wants to rip us off), and what if "they" get our address and phone numbers, or recognize us at work, sell our pictures to a magazine...etc...

How do I help her relax and see that it can be a safe place to meet like-minded people that you can trust?

Or do I forget about meeting people online because she is still unsure?


Please help...

[EternallySingle]

Meeting someone over the internet is no better or worse than meeting someone at a bar or the new person at work. The difference is that when you meet someone in person first, your eyes are able to make a snap judgement about their manners, intelligence, personality, religion, age, sex, sexual orientation, criminal background, marital status, and psychological makeup before they ever say a word to you. Either way, you don't know anything about them and you don't have anyone to verify their personality. In order to meet anyone you have to learn to take very calculated risks and to trust your judgement. There really is no sure way of meeting anyone.

[Alura]

Originally posted by strummer
We want to meet other couples to open our relationship and I have found some interesting couples from our area that want to meet (found them online), but my beautiful and sexual wife is unsure about meeting people through the internet...

How do I help her relax and see that it can be a safe place to meet like-minded people that you can trust?

Please help...

Mrs. Alura and I had the same problem but did meet some nice people who are members of this board and she's relaxed a lot.

We did meet one local couple. We talked on the phone a few times but the first meeting was between the two husbands at a local book store/coffee shop. We had coffee together and did an hours worth of talking. Later we met with our wives in the same place.

Perhaps your wife would feel more at ease with that approach.

Mr. Alura

[NotsoNew]

But we have met some really nice people on the internet. We do not post our pictures in our ads, but will give access to those (not home email but through page) who we are interested in.

I do agree with EnternallySingle that it is really not that much different from meeting people in person. Just use the same cautions you would in person.

Your other option if she is dead set against the internet is to go to an on or off premise club.

Good luck!

[Brit_Pair]

We'd agree with the posts above. The 'Net permits people to disguise or hide aspects of themselves that would be more readily apparent in person. That said, the handsome/beautiful, respectably dressed, well-financed and (frankly) perfectly normal looking stranger sitting opposite you in a restaurant can just as easily be a cheater, or a sexual pervert, or worse.

As ES said, you should take whatever precautions you feel are necessary, and trust your instincts. If a situation feels wrong to you, then bail.

But don't dismiss the 'Net out of hand: the first couple we ever played with were met through an internet advert, and they were as nice and regular (and arousing) as we could have wished for.

[geeman]

Have you thought about going to a club? My girlfriend wanted to try it, but like your wife, wasn't comfortable looking for someone on the web. We also weren't comfortable going to a regular danceclub or bar to try to pick someone up. We ended up going to an on-premise club for our first experience, and after a disoriented 15 minutes (getting used to seeing people making out and in different states of dress), we got pretty comfortable really quick.

We went with the attitude that if we didn't feel comfortable with what was going on, we could leave, and that attitude helped us thru the first experience.

[Harold_N_Ann]

Ann and I are still just watching from the outside. We both are interested but are uncomfortable withthe internet. Plus, the ads we have posted have never gotten any response from couples, only single men.

We would like to go to an on-premises club but ther are none within 200 miles, that we are aware of.

[bruncouple_nj]

You sound like us! On the internet, we've me men for MFM and enjoyed them. But to meet a couple we finally went to Beginnings in Rahway NJ at a beginners night. It was great, relaxing and no pressure. Now, when we want to meet a couple we go to a club; much easier to decide mutual attractions too.

[shoreguy]

Not that your wife will necessarily believe something on the Net if she's nervous about it to begin with, but I'd like to think I can make both of you feel a little more confident.

First my wife and I have been doing this since the beginning of the year. We talked about it for over a year before that, we talked about going to a club, or going online, but it never happened. It's a scary thing at first.

Our first experience is pretty rare because it was a "just sort of happened" kind of thing at a coworker's regular holiday party, where we had sex with the hosts after everyone else left. We had a good time, they did too. Even though everyone seemed to be on the same page and ok with what was going on at the time, they had never really talked about more than girl-on-girl sex and there were some previous fidelity issues that led them to never want to swap again. We all remain friendly, so no loss there.

That lead us to register at an online site. That has been a positive experience in general. The people we've met that way have generally at least discussed with each other what they want and are ready to handle sex with others.

We've gone to a few local meet-n-greets. We've had some small amount of success meeting people that way. My wife is very outgoing, and at least one of you needs to be for it to work. Although I find I'm more relaxed and outgoing in that type of environment.

We eventually went to Beginnings in Rahway, NJ also. Also at the new couples seminar and a couple of times since. We have had fun there, but haven't made a lasting connection with anyone, perhaps just a few friendly emails in the following week. That may be all you're looking for.

That covers the main ways to meet people initially. Later you might get invited to parties by friends of friends leading to more friends. For us at least, the Internet is definitely the most productive way to meet people. I think for most people it is too.

However, be safe online. Meeting an axe murderer online is pretty rare, but there are weirdos who are still annoying. There are a few simple rules that you shouldn't violate. Don't post anything personal, like a last name, phone number or normal email address. Pictures are ok, anyone who sees you there is looking for the same thing. We post clothed face and body pics, and my wife is a teacher. We know of others in public service who do also. Not posting (or at least being willing to email) pics will seriously hamper your search. Talk over the phone or webcam chat before meeting (to at least the woman, if it's a couple or single woman). Make sure she's aware of what you're meeting for. Some husbands are tricking their wives into this, or there is no wife, at least not one who will ever know about the meeting. Sometimes online bi-females are really men. Don't meet at your house. Meet at a bar, restaurant or club. Maybe one not near your home if you're afraid you'll be recognized. Don't invite people you meet in any way to your home until you both feel you're ready for it. Hotel rooms work just fine. If either of you is not interested for any reason, at any time, then just leave politely. Communicate as much as possible. If you do all this, it's safe enough. Perhaps I've forgotten something... We've never heard of anyone having serious problems, more the "only he showed up" or "she didn't know what was going on" variety.

We will sometimes see another couple at a bar we both find attractive, and maybe they even appear to check us out. We have fun with the idea, but neither of us is under any impression that we will ever have another spontaneous experience, though we've had 2 "almosts" but once again, either friends or friends of friends, not strangers. People you meet at non-lifestyle bars probably don't share your views about swinging, and might get very freaked out if you suggested anything. *That* would be embarrassing. And yes, if you can't convince her it's safe then you can forget about meeting people online.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by shoreguy
Pictures are ok, anyone who sees you there is looking for the same thing. We post clothed face and body pics, and my wife is a teacher. We know of others in public service who do also. Not posting (or at least being willing to email) pics will seriously hamper your search.

You covered just about everything, Shoreguy. The only thing I disagree with is the thing about posting pictures, especially those that can identify you. Some people browse various sites just to look at photos and with no intentions of anything else. Several months ago I was reading another message board and that very subject was being discussed...how someone had been identified through the "background" of their photo. Apparently, a neighbor had found the photo, and although the face was revealed, recognized the backdrop of the living room. Just my thoughts...

And strummer...I honestly don't believe it is any more dangerous to meet someone you have met online than it is to meet someone at On the Boarders or Starbucks. After all, ax murderers can hang out there, too, just hoping to pick someone up. Certainly, reasonable precautions need to be taken, but just a little more than you would meeting anyone...anywhere. Talk, talk, talk...either via e-mail/chat or phone...before arranging a meeting. And then, for the first meeting, I would suggest a Saturday/Sunday lunch. Very non-threatening for all and with the understanding it is to meet - only. Sometimes I think people get into trouble with their eagerness to find suitable partners. And yes, it is difficult, but personally, I feel no partner is better than the wrong partner. And the other thing I would suggest - Trust Your Gut! Always! If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

- EBF

[shoreguy]

The subject of posting pictures could probably fill another 16 threads. Probably has. Between the two of us, EBF, we probably have at least 3 opinions on the subject.

For us, it was a no-brainer. I really think it limits your possibilities if you don't post them. We would never meet anyone who we hadn't seen clear face pics of. There needs to be a certain amount of physical attraction or it's not even worth going further. Of course, posting them makes them more available than emailing them to individuals, but you're still letting them get out.

I suppose you also need to be careful about where and what you post. We post them on a service that you only get pic access for 3 days, and then only the first 4 pics per profile. You need to be a paying member to get full access. We posted only pics that are not in any way incriminating. That gives us plausible deniability: someone else could have posted them without our knowledge, and the person who found them could only embarrass us by showing others that they are paying members of a swinging site, simply showing those pics wouldn't embarass us. Full-on orgy pics (of which we have some ) would probably remove a lot of that deniability...

This is a very personal decision. I guess all I really need to say is we've found it safe enough. Don't do it if you're not comfortable with it. Elusive Single Bi Females may get full inboxes without pics, but couples won't. You need to decide if having more mail is worth putting the pics out there.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by shoreguy
The subject of posting pictures could probably fill another 16 threads. Probably has. Between the two of us, EBF, we probably have at least 3 opinions on the subject.

Ahhh...my kind of person...A connoisseur of 'fine opinions."

I suppose you're correct...I wasn't thinking in terms of paysites where lurkers and such have limited views. There might be some additional element of safety there.

But now you've given me a thought for another question to post. Stay tuned!

- EBF

[Brit_Pair]

I'd agree with points made by both of the above posters. shoreguy is certainly right in that a genuine advert without a photograph is never likely to draw the full attention that it merits. However, EBF's concerns about the trustworthiness of people able to access your images bear seriosu consideration.

True, a pay site is likely to determine frauds and casual photo-hunters. And as shoreguy also says, what do we have to fear from people who are looking for the very sort of extra-curricular activities we are? But frauds who are willing to pay for access can have it, and who knows what their purpose is. Voyeurism? Investigative journalism?

As shoreguy assessed it, once your images are out there - however it's done - they're out there.

If these sorts of prospects concern you, but you want to use photos in your adverts, then you could consider the points below.

1. Choose a reputable contact adverts website, ideally one that restricts access to your images through some form of membership.

2. Consider using images that either omit or disguise your face. Wear a mask. Use photo-manipulation software to blur or block out your facial features. A body resplendent in tasteful lingerie can be sufficent enough an inducement to draw replies. Those replies subsequently assessed as being genuine can be emailed photos that include faces.

3. As EBF pointed out, you can disguise your face, but be recognised by your living room. Consider how you frame your photos. A plain white sheet draped over a sofa or hung against a wall can be an effective backdrop. Or photo-manipulation software can be used to blur or even replace the background.

4. Watermark your images. If you have a seperate email account for contact messages, then simply typing the address across the centre of your photos will at least make it more difficult for them to be misused.


shoreguy's thoughts on safety are heartily endorsed. However you try making contact, take *whatever* steps you feel necessary to ensure your safety and your privacy, and whenever in doubt, trust your instincts. They'll rarely let you down.

[JustAskJulie]

Your wife has some very understandable concerns. There are a lot of creeps out there.

Have you considered visiting a local swingers club and getting to know people that way?

Another option would be to check out one of the Meet Ups that have been set up in various areas. Many of the folks on this board set up regular meet ups in their area. These are non-pressure meetings for dinner/drinks only just to get people a chance to meet each other and get to know one another in person. This would be a good opportunity for her to meet people from the net in a group situation and see that we aren't all bad.

[RMRx2]

Originally posted by strummer
How do I help her relax and see that it can be a safe place to meet like-minded people that you can trust?

Or do I forget about meeting people online because she is still unsure?


Please help...

simple answer,,maybe,,,,,,,,,have her read the threads on meet and greets here

we have attended several, and there is always follow ups that would give an indication of how the meet went

now while reading these, remind her that almost without exception ALL of these people had never met before, never spoken on the phone, had not shared photos, didn't know each others "real names" , or done anything but communicate on this board, "the net" as it were.

read through these and I think she will find that also without exception, everyone had a good time and met some really great friends

we have not met one person yet, who we would be uncomfortable with thier behavior in our home,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hey ya'll ,,,there is a compliment in there somewhere

I understand the caution, but caution can be taken, and you can always be careful of what personal information you give until you are comfortable.

There may be an "image" lurking in her mind of who and what swingers are,,,,,,discuss that. What she will find, is we are the butcher, the baker the candlestick maker,,,,,,,please excuse the holiday pun. We are the parents of the kids your kids play with, we are the mechanics who work on your car, the cop on the beat, the nice couple on the street.

My guess, is that when she meets with some of these folks, the real problem she'll have is visualizing them all naked in a swing situation.

good luck

rmrx2