Message Responses? I just do not get it!!!

Okay! I am going to do some venting as MrVan and I had something happen this morning that just frustrated us to no end. We received a message on a "site" from a single male. The gentleman was an african american (which is not an issue with us) however his appearance and profile did not interest me. So I sent a polite response back saying "Thank you for the interest however we do not feel that we are compatible. Good luck in your search and have fun!"

Well, we received a message back from him that the title said...."no problem, maybe another time in our lives"......and the body of the message said the following: "enjoy life and make it colorful lol" okay, not a problem to me yet as I found the sord of humor in it. However the next part of the message is what got to me..."I enjoy swinging with couples such as yourself.. we call it interracial swinging.. " What the heck??? I do not get these types of responses...Why can you not take my polite message and go on your way?

I did not say no because of the color of his skin as MrVan and I have fantasies of this as well, however I turned him down because he was not attractive and his profile was not one that did anything for me.

Therefore, because of being upset I sent him back a message informing him that I did not turn him down because of the color of his skin and that I was not going to do to him what he did to us but wanted him to know how rude I felt his comments were (and then I blocked him).

Can someone explain to me why it is in the lifestyle whether it is a couple or a single that instead of either not acknowledging our response back or to simply say "thanks for getting back to us"....Why do people have to be so childish???

Does anyone else get this type of response when you say no to someone? When we send a message to a couple or single and someone responds back and says no thanks, we politely say "thanks for the response".

MrsVan

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by MrsVan

Can someone explain to me why it is in the lifestyle whether it is a couple or a single that instead of either not acknowledging our response back or to simply say "thanks for getting back to us"....Why do people have to be so childish???

Does anyone else get this type of response when you say no to someone? When we send a message to a couple or single and someone responds back and says no thanks, we politely say "thanks for the response".

I can't explain the why, but I can say that about 20% of our rejections (all politely worded and generally individually drafted) end up with the other party giving us a response that ranges from merely snarky to just downright rude and nasty.

I don't get it at all. If I'm not interested, I'm not interested - nothing more, nothing less. Why does it require a put down or an argument?

Ah, the internet.... ain't it glorious?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by MrsVan

Can someone explain to me why it is in the lifestyle whether it is a couple or a single that instead of either not acknowledging our response back or to simply say "thanks for getting back to us"....Why do people have to be so childish???

Does anyone else get this type of response when you say no to someone?

His reply would not have offended me. If what you posted was his complete response, I think he was being very nice. It has been our experience that people often send a final note thanking us for letting them know of our decision and they often include an additional line or two that will keep the bridge open, in case at a future time we may change our minds. That does happen. What any swinger is interested in today may be different in 6 months or a year. Sometimes it has to do with what we are looking for, sometimes it has to do with how a person has updated their profile or pictures.

I remember once making a personal note (not viewable by anyone but us) on a couple who sent us an introduction. My personal note to myself was that I didn't like his face. (They had attached a private picture when they contacted us.) We declined to meet them. A year later this couple is at a party we attended, I didn't recognize him. He looked so handsome! We are intending to meet them as soon as we can arrange a date.

Mrs Van, you are presuming that he thought you rejected him based on his color/race, and I think this is making a big presumption. Even if he feels people do turn him down because of his race, a well-adjusted swinger will not let that bother them. They will continue to search, hoping they will find a match elsewhere.

LM

[wetpanties]

You didn't do anything wrong. Your profile clearly states that you are looking for "couples". His e-mail was just from another ignorant single male answering an ad from a couple looking for a couple. He is not a couple. Just another reason to block single males!

[Chicup]

His reply would not have offended me. If what you posted was his complete response, I think he was being very nice.

That was my thought too, either we are missing something or I think you may have read to much into it.

[JustAskJulie]

..."I enjoy swinging with couples such as yourself.. we call it interracial swinging.. "

This is the part of the reply that becomes negative. He evidently took the Van's rejection as a color issue, which it wasn't. My guess is that he is a bit insecure in himself and because of that turns it around. If he's not attractive and his profile is not inviting he has probably gotten a lot of rejections and rather than realize that it's HIM he has to have something to blame it on.

It's not always just color. I ran into this same thing the first time I ever tried to set up a GB for myself. Since I wasn't going to get to know the guys first I only had profiles and pictures to base my decision on. This one guy was completely unattractive so when he requested to join I gave the same polite response, something along the lines of "I'm sorry but no" with no real reason... He blew up at me far moreso than this guy did to you, and basically pulled the you should be happy anyone will fuck you, etc and you can't afford to be picky, etc. Well, I could and I did and I still am and will continue to be.

If people have an issue with getting turned down it is THEIR issue, not yours.

[Dooode]

"That was my thought too, either we are missing something or I think you may have read to much into it."

Ditto. Wouldn't have offended me neither. *shrug*

Definately a drawback to written communication: miscommunication!

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

first time I ever tried to set up a GB for myself.

As a guy I really wish I could work that out myself with multiple women

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Dooode

Definately a drawback to written communication: miscommunication!

It is tough trying to get a feel for someone in their first few messages, especially if they are brief e-mails.

I've seen the topic of "interracial swinging" many times and often people use the term to express their pleasure in seeing a person of contrasting skin color next to themselves. I've been told this is very erotic for some. Maybe this man was simply expressing this and using a phrase that, for him, was the best way to express it.

LM

[singleagain]

The OP said, "Thank you for the interest however we do not feel that we are compatible. Good luck in your search and have fun!"

While this response seems innocent enough there are some better ways (IMHO) to say "No Thank-You." I have received many "we are not compatible" rejections that can only be based on what I say in my profile or what my pic may reveal about my physical appearance because the people responding never looked any further.

Please don't take my response as flaming you, but consider this: There is always more to a person or a couple than what you see in a few words or a few pics. I swing with a couple regularly that many would say are not attractive. However, the chemistry is great among the three of us and our compability measured in intellectual capability as well as the ability to give each of us amazing pleasure is off the charts. Had I rejected them simply by reading their profile and seeing their profile pics I would have missed out on the best sex I have ever had.

Wouldn't it be better to say this: " Thank you for your interest. We read your profile and viewed your pics. We did not find what we saw appealing and based on this we are not attracted to you. Good luck in your search and have fun." I know I would have received that message thinking that at the least you took the time to consider me. On the other hand this guy may have just been "spug ugly!"

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by singleagain

The OP said, "Thank you for the interest however we do not feel that we are compatible. Good luck in your search and have fun!"

While this response seems innocent enough there are some better ways (IMHO) to say "No Thank-You." I have received many "we are not compatible" rejections that can only be based on what I say in my profile or what my pic may reveal about my physical appearance because the people responding never looked any further.

Please don't take my response as flaming you, but consider this: There is always more to a person or a couple than what you see in a few words or a few pics. I swing with a couple regularly that many would say are not attractive. However, the chemistry is great among the three of us and our compability measured in intellectual capability as well as the ability to give each of us amazing pleasure is off the charts. Had I rejected them simply by reading their profile and seeing their profile pics I would have missed out on the best sex I have ever had.

Wouldn't it be better to say this: " Thank you for your interest. We read your profile and viewed your pics. We did not find what we saw appealing and based on this we are not attracted to you. Good luck in your search and have fun." I know I would have received that message thinking that at the least you took the time to consider me. On the other hand this guy may have just been "spug ugly!"

Well, I've actually responded with variations of the OP's post and your suggestion. I get FAR more flame emails with your type of rejection than I do with the generic rejection the OP used. People should use whatever turn down suits their purposes and works for them.

This is not intended to be a flame to you, either. But please consider that many of us do not have an have an abundance of time or energy to do a lot of corresponding or meet every person who writes. Of course there's always more to people than what their profile says. And just because one responded with a generic email doesn't mean that the profile wasn't considered. It was considered, and there was obviously something in the profile that just said to one of us that it wasn't of interest. And vice versa for those who might reject us in turn. That's the risk some of us have to take in that we may end up missing those who may be quite nice.

At least the OP sent a message at all. Most the time, people are upset that people don't even bother to reply.

Just my .02, and likely worth far less than that.

[Taylor74]

At least you're thoughtful enough to reply to an admirer. Most people just refuse to respond if you're not what they're looking for. More people should take the time out to do what you do. I'm really curious to know what was so unattractive about this guy. As a single male, this is always a major concern.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If people have an issue with getting turned down it is THEIR issue, not yours.

I couldn't agree more! When people turn bitter, even mean, and snipe back at you after being politely turned down, that's a sure sign of their immaturity. This same thing can happen if you turn someone down in person, such as at a club/party - and if they get all nasty about it, it only serves to prove that you were right in your original decision.

[Thrax]

MrsVan, I think your initial response was more than acceptable in this situation, so no problem with that. Personally, when I receive your type of response, or a similar polite response, to the few enquiries I send out, I send something like, "Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your getting back to me." No blood, no foul.

With regard to this man's response to your response in this particular instance, if he responded as you said he did -- and I have no reason to doubt you -- if I were you I would also infer a bit of "chip-on-the-shoulder" regarding the racial issue on his part. We call it interracial swinging? Well, yes, most of us do, since it would likely involve a black person and a white person.

Again, that's the danger of written rather than face-to-face communication. Maybe he was sincere in his reply, but if the message to you was as you described then it sounds like he was being a little smartass (and believe me, since I'm an acknowledged smartass, smartass smells...well, "smartass"... not good, usually).

I agree with your being put out because of his (apparent) attitude. As difficult as it would have been for you though, as it would have for me also if I was in your place, I think you should have refrained from your last message and just let the guy go off into his ornery dejected funk without a counter-message. Unfortunately, any reply you send to him trying to explain or rationalize your decision would probably sound like some kind of lame excuse to him. I know it's hard to do, and it just makes your blood boil to know that someone misunderstands you, but sometimes it's just better to drop those things.

Regardless of class, race, sexual preference, couple- or singleness, etc., there will be people that will try to make YOU feel bad because you are not interested in playing with them. My recommendation is damn them to Hell (is that too strong?) or some appropriate place, if that works for you, and just try to forget them. But if you're like most normal people, the whole thing will still eat at you for a while until you really come to the conclusion that the other person was an asshole. Or you forget about them. Which is what they deserve.

Thrax

[HappyPeople]

I also would not have been offended by what was written.

In a text conversation, it's very difficult to covey emotion. I didn't find what he said to be hurtful or rude. For all you know, the poor guy might be sitting there thinking "What did I do ?