Reveal disabilities in profile?

[TwoLittleBirds]

Mr. LB has an annoying skin condition, red spots of Psoriasis on his legs. It's embarassing for him at the beach or if he is going to meet a girl (!).

I'm going to interupt to say I'm not self-conscious in front of Mrs. Little Bird, who, when we first started dating many years ago said, "That looks itchy..." and rubbed lotion on me. What an ANGEL!

OK! So, Mr. LB wanted to know if need to mention (or should) that in our profile? It's not any more contagious than chapped lips or dry skin. It just looks bad. He's not covered in it, BTW.

Question two, about wifey, should someone who is somewhat disabled mention that in their profile? Let us say I wear a hearing aid, or am blind or I'm missing a leg or I have mild cerebral palsey or am in a wheel chair? Should it be in the profile? In an email? A big surprise? (No, she doesn't have all these things! She's just being discreet so neighbors don't say, "Hey, I know them!")

Not a sexy subject, I know, but is a real world subject. We learn a lot from the oppinion of posters here. Also, is there anyone dealing with any disability who can share some first hand experience?

Two Little Birds

[tribbles]

We have played with a woman who lost both breasts to cancer. Knew about it before we met.

I (F) have played with a guy with a colostomy. Saw the bag when he got in the pool.

Played with many with surgeries and scars and a few who need to get up to check their blood sugar at different times.

Most of the time we find out when the person mentions it when we meet but a few have said what their issue is in email.

I think you two have to decide what you want to reveal in a profile. I've seen a very few that mention disabilities.....I suspect if you want to be discreet and not 'found' by anyone who might recognise you, then reveal it in an email. If you are cool with it in a profile, someone who knows you might know it's you.

Do what makes you both the most comfortable.




S

[EvilMJ]

Personally I would mention any disability or condition, if not on my profile at the very least the first time I spoke to/emailed them.

To me it is the same as posting up to date recent pictures. People need to know the whole package before they spend the time getting to know if they want to play with you. It is a part of who you are and people might wonder what other things you decided to omit or keep secret.

If people are turned off by hearing aids, wheelchairs or Psoriasis then they probably aren’t the right playmate for you in the first place. This way you know you are going to get the quality of people that you are looking for. I also think that people need to have the opportunity to decide if you are right for them by having all the information first hand.

If I knew your husband had Psoriasis because you told me before hand, then I would have no problem continuing, however if you didn’t tell me and we met and agreed to play I would be quite upset to be confronted with it, especially if I didn’t know what it was, or it if was contagious.

I know lots of people in the lifestyle with various conditions and disabilities – including a friend in a wheelchair – they all have lots of playmates and made lots of friends, it never held them back and they were always up front about it.

[Amanda69]

Keeping in mind however that you may "freak someone out," if you don't reveal these things prior to meeting. I must admit if I got into a pool with a guy who I was about to do things with and he was wearing a colostemy bag I would be a little put off.

Different things effect people differently. Some things of course are easier to discuss in person. I don't think too many people would be concerned about a rash just on the legs, now if it was elsewhere and the person wasn't warned ahead, you might have some explaining to do.

It is better to be as open as possible, as early as possible but I wouldn't necessarily include everything in your profile.

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

Mr. LB has an annoying skin condition, red spots of Psoriasis on his legs. It's embarassing for him at the beach or if he is going to meet a girl (!).

I'm going to interupt to say I'm not self-conscious in front of Mrs. Little Bird, who, when we first started dating many years ago said, "That looks itchy..." and rubbed lotion on me. What an ANGEL!

OK! So, Mr. LB wanted to know if need to mention (or should) that in our profile? It's not any more contagious than chapped lips or dry skin. It just looks bad. He's not covered in it, BTW.

Another member of the psoriasis club! I have a quarter-sized patch of it above one ankle and about ten tiny dots elsewhere on my legs. During the winter it gets a little worse. Even though I use Cetaphil rather than soap, and occasionally treat it with a prescription cream or Dermarest (an OTC lotion), it never really goes away. Sometimes they're angry red spots, but if I'm conscientious about using a moisturizing cleanser and applying the appropriate creams, and avoiding the use of hot tubs too much , I can get them to the point where they are just a little bit darker than the surrounding skin. I have some smaller spots on my head, too, but luckily they are well-hidden under my hair and so far are controllable with medicated shampoo.

I swim a lot which dries my skin out, but I'm not gonna give up the exercise. And although I avoid using hot tubs in general now, I will use them at clubs or house parties if the opportunity comes up! Sometimes exceptions have to be made for the greater good of my sex-life.

Anyway, I have never mentioned the psoriasis before a play date and never had anyone ask about it if they noticed it. If the issue does come up I plan to first mention that it is a chronic case of excessively dry skin, which it is, rather than initially mention the term psoriasis. Unless, of course, I'm pretty sure the person would know the term. (A lot of people do know what eczema and psoriasis are, but I don't want to freak someone out if they may not be familiar with the terms.) So, if the dry skin explanation doesn't satisfy them and they ask more questions, we can go from there and work eczema, psoriasis, and especially non-contagious into the conversation. I'm not being dishonest, I'm not hiding anything that's dangerous to them, but I don't want to make someone doubtful just because they aren't familiar with a technical term.

And actually, I've had cuts, bruises, and abrasions -- from landscaping, home maintenance projects gone wrong, attempts at being athletic, etc. -- that have been more cause for questions by playmates. But psoriasis? None.

Maybe your case is worse than mine. If it is and/or if you feel really self-conscious about it, I still wouldn't mention it in your profile, but would bring it up first in email, IM, or telephone conversations before you meet with potential playmates. Or at the very least when you meet them face-to-face and before ANY clothes come off. Tell them that you want to be completely honest and let them know that you have some patches of whatever-sized "excessively dry skin" on your legs and you wanted to make sure they know that. See what kind of reaction you get and proceed from there.

Sorry you have to put with it, too, but, as they say, it could always be worse!

Good luck,
Thrax

[TwoLittleBirds]

Very informative, all. ^^^. Thank you.
Some excellent ideas, good points and
everyone makes sense.

It's hard to objectivley solve some of one's own problems, and it's nice to have someone else to look in on the question. We read these answers together and there were two times each of us said, "Ooh, I hadn't thought of that!"

So thanks from us both,
Two Little Birds

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

Mr. LB has an annoying skin condition, red spots of Psoriasis on his legs.
....Question two, about wifey, should someone who is somewhat disabled mention that in their profile? Let us say I wear a hearing aid, or am blind or I'm missing a leg or I have mild cerebral palsey or am in a wheel chair? Should it be in the profile? In an email? A big surprise?

Everybody already gave great answers. I believe that most, if not all of this can and should be left out of the profile. But like most everybody said, bring it up after initial contact is made, and let them know in an email/IM, etc.

If the disability was something rather significant, like a missing limb, being in a wheelchair full-time, etc., I believe that I would mention something in my profile. I wouldn't spell it all out in the profile, but say something vague and brief about it. One sentence could be inserted somewhere appropriate. In the "about who we're looking for" area, you could write, "openminded about disabilities", among other things. Or, in the "more about us" area, you could say that one of you has a disability, but it doesn't keep you from having a great time. However, like I said, putting something in the profile at all would depend on how significant it is. At least, if it were me, that's how I'd do it.

One of my earliest questions on this board was about scars, and how/when to tell people. We weren't going to put it in our profile, but we certainly didn't want to surprise people, either. These weren't your garden variety scars, and my husband and I both have this particular scar due to surgery. How we've handled it, and have had great reactions:

We wait until we get to know the couple in communications at least to the point that we're probably going to meet them. Sometimes we wait until after the initial friendly/platonic meeting, and then we know we'd like to see them again, and vice versa. Maybe we already met them at a meet-and-greet (not an ad), but now we're contacting each other to meet again. Anyhow, at some point before we're going to be meeting sexually, we let them know what procedure we both had, and where the scar is. It goes all the way around. I even send them pictures of me front and back, so they can get a good look at the scars. NO surprises! This has worked out 100% well, each time.

Wondering where my scar is, looking at my pic here? It's right under that little red g-string. I had an around-the-world body lift (a/k/a belt lipectomy) after having lost significant weight. My hubby had the same surgery 2 months after I had mine. Few people have seen a 360 degree scar like this, so that's why we show-and-tell first. I also had breast lift. People seem to immediately forget about our scars, or they're just not bothered by them. Whatever they think, nobody seems bothered! I would never want to surprise anybody, though.

[Thrax]

Y'know Tybee, if you can put up with the little patches of psoriasis on my legs I can GUARANTEE that the scars you describe...well...send me a private message.

Scars are usually the unplanned tattoos of life. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Thrax

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Thrax

Scars are usually the unplanned tattoos of life. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Thrax

You're so right! Our scars were planned I guess, since we had elective surgery. We both love the trade-off, though!

One of the couples we were with recently, whom we'd shared our scar news with before we all got naked, talked with us about it after we all had sex. They said they appreciated hearing about it. The other wife said that she might have been "taken aback" by it if they didn't know ahead of time, just because they are rather unusual (360), and we both have it. This took all the questions out of it, and no deer-in-the-headlights moment once we were naked. So, everything has gone very smoothly!

I'd definitely take your psoriasis if you'll take my scars.

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I'd definitely take your psoriasis if you'll take my scars.

No, you definitely don't want the psoriasis. Your scars will heal up to a point, but psoriasis only gets worse over time; sometimes gradually, sometimes fast. In this case, I recommend sticking with what you know!

Thanks for the offer though.

Thrax

[Tybee Swing]

What I meant is that I'll take you with your psoriasis, like you'd take me with my scars - in response to this -

Originally Posted by Thrax

Y'know Tybee, if you can put up with the little patches of psoriasis on my legs I can GUARANTEE that the scars you describe...well...send me a private message.

Sorry for the misunderstanding!

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

What I meant is that I'll take you with your psoriasis, like you'd take me with my scars - in response to this -

Sorry for the misunderstanding!

Well, okay then!

Thrax

[Tatakai]

I would say that I would mention my disability on the first email or phone call that way I wouldn't be springing a surprise on them. I am listed at 100% disabled and at times I have to use a cane to walk. I just had my 37 bday and I am glad that I have made it this far. I am not disfigured or anything like that I just have had to have to many surgeries on my back to put it back together. If you were to see me out in public you wouldn't know that I have any problems at all. I have met people that were scared to death to touch me in fear that they would catch something, and others that were very understanding and had no problem at all with me having difficulties getting around.
The way that I look at it any more is that it is their lose that they chose not to be friends they lost out on a good friend. Life is to short not to enjoy it and enjoy the people around you. Trust me I came close to not being here at all after the wreck.

Tatakai

[Abgirlie]

The Mr. has an auto-immune disorder, so we usually make it known when we're making initial plans to meet up. We've only had one couple stop talking to us/cancel our meet but I think that maybe they didnt quite understand what we where talking about. Its non-contagous it only affects his muscle groups when he's extremely overtired. Its their lose anyway, I've gotten so used to explaining it to doctors/nurses/family over the years that I'm completely open to prospective couples asking a ton of questions before we meet if they truly want to know. And letting them know before hand leaves them less likely to think he has a drug problem when he goes and takes a bunch pills every couple hours.

[LFM2]

We met up with a couple the other night, and over dinner, they talked about a lot of their what they see as disabilities. My husband and I don't think of them that way. Their disabilities (I use that word loosely) are not in their profile.

They've both had some major surgeries, so they have a lot of scars. Ok... No problem. In fact, I can see part of her scar on her profile pic. She's still a beautiful person on the outside as well as on the inside.

He doesn't have very much hair on top. Ok... No problem. (They told us that most of the people they meet won't talk to them anymore because of his baldness. I was seriously flabbergasted!) He has a great personality and sense of humour, so therefore, I found him attractive.

They both wear glasses. Geez, I didn't realize that was a problem! So does Mr. LFM.

Now, they've been in the lifestyle for eight years. They'd told us some of the reasons that people won't play with them. Baldness being the most often cited, the scars being the second. Whoda thunk it?