We rewrote a single guys's profile - but now wonder if he will be able to keep up

[2jersey]

We were skimming the Swing Lifestyle forums (which are normally pretty quiet) and we came across an interesting thread in the “Better Profiles” section. Some poor man had started a thread seeking input on his profile – and the local vultures (some extremely vile people ) were tearing him apart. We quietly intervened (without ever posting on the forum), and now we’re wondering if we did the right thing.

At first, the man’s profile was awful – unclear, full of errors, horrible pictures, etc… He deserved some constructive criticism - but the vultures were very rude and insulting, not the least bit helpful. We felt sympathy for the man and decided to help him.

We rewrote his entire profile (incorporating the few facts at hand) and e-mailed him the new version and told him to discard his old profile and use our version instead. The man did exactly as we suggested and he now has a brand new profile – not perfectly written, but certainly better than most profiles on Swing Lifestyle.

Now, our concerns are kicking in. This man has e-mailed us several times in the past couple of days (thanking us profusely, etc…) and it is apparent to us that he has very weak communication/mental skills. Although his new profile may attract the people he is seeking, we have doubts about his ability to handle the follow up communications with a reasonable level of proficiency. We know the man is extremely proud of his new profile – but the character in the profile is fictional. We’re concerned that we have set him up for a series of disappointments and embarrassments.

Did we just toss this guy into the deep end of the pool? Is it possible that this man would have been better off by sticking with his original profile – which was bad, but real?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Did we just toss this guy into the deep end of the pool? Is it possible that this man would have been better off by sticking with his original profile – which was bad, but real?

A greater concern I have is all the people who will read his new profile and believe he is someone that he isn't. His new profile is now misleading others.

For this reason, it is so crucial that a profile reflect the person/couple.

Too many changes and it no longer is that person's profile, in that it does not depict the person.

There is a danger in that, not so much for the person who has the polished profile, but for the people who contact him and will be shocked to discover someone so different.

You could write to him and tell him that, in review, you feel that your suggestions for changing his profile may not protray him accurately. And that it is important that readers see him through his profile. Then, send him a rewrite and include more of the original, to include what does show him to be who he is, even if this means some of his unclear statements and grammatical errors.

Good luck.

LM

[BiloxiCouple]

Dito

[intuition897]

Dito LM, I agree. Write this fellow back and tell him that he should really re-write his own profile and use the one you sent to him as a sort of guide. It IS his profile, and he should make sure it matches him. I wouldn't even hesitate to let him know that your concerns include his lack of writing skills, and that it will affect his follow-up communications. This isn't cruel at all. You're just letting him know that good spelling and grammar, etc. are important and even though it may not reflect the quality of his person, it's the first thing people will notice. And it immediately puts a bad taste in their mouths. Like handing in a resume for a position as a CEO that has fruit loop and coffee stains all over it. It's just the wrong impression. It's not the end of the world. He just needs to take an interest in improving this aspect of himself. And it's not a wasted skill to learn; it'll make life in general just that much easier.

[OttawaCuple]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

You could write to him and tell him that, in review, you feel that your suggestions for changing his profile may not protray him accurately. And that it is important that readers see him through his profile. Then, send him a rewrite and include more of the original, to include what does show him to be who he is, even if this means some of his unclear statements and grammatical errors.LM

Having had on-line personals profiles for a number of years (and having been quite successful at it - met my husband that way ), I was a profile reviewer on Plenty of Fish for a while, wishing, as you did, to help people be more successful in their search.

What I found is that being a profile reviewer is a risky business, for just the sort of reasons that this thread raises.

You COULD re-write his profile, as LikeMinds321 suggests, so it reads more like "him", but you'll have to be VERY careful to not make him feel that he's not as good as the profile you've already given him.

My suggestion, though, is that you chalk it up to a learning experience and let it go, being more careful next time not to make someone appear to be someone they're not.

If he's contacted by people and can't communicate up to the standards indicated by his profile, I think most people will just assume that BECAUSE his communications skills aren't that good, that he had someone else write his profile for him ... and there's nothing wrong with that, or even that uncommon.

As for reviewing people's profiles in the future, I'd suggest you change things as little as possible, perhaps correcting spelling and punctuation, but leaving the concepts and ideas pretty much intact. If you are going to suggest adding ideas, I'd recommend that you suggest them in point form and ask him to incorporate the ideas himself, offering to review his profile again after he's made the changes so you can correct NEW spelling & punctuation mistakes.

MrsOttawaCuple

[DGrey]

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it now. This is the reason why I don't rewrite student papers but merely offer suggestions in the margin. The words need to reflect the writer as a whole and now, his words don't do that anymore.

I'd just chalk it up to one of those experiences that shape us and move on.

E

[2jersey]

Based on his new profile, this fellow now comes across as a good communicator – and we may have gone too far by creating this impression (despite good intentions). However, to be clear on a couple of points: 1) We didn’t invent any facts, and we used as many facts as we could from his original profile – including an accurate listing of his personal likes and dislikes. 2) From his posts on the Swing Lifestyle forum this fellow impressed us as a very sincere, polite and respectful individual, but he neglected to play up these qualities in his written profile. Our rewrite accurately (we believe) reveals this aspect of his individuality.

The original profile did not do this man justice. Suppose a person has many good personal qualities but is unable to express those qualities in an interesting and readable manner. Should this person be left to fend for themselves? Would anyone feel differently if this fellow was illiterate and/or English was not his first language?

If we had merely offered a few suggestions to this man, we are fairly confident that his profile would not be any better than it was originally. And if he had stuck with his original portfolio, we are confident that he would not be receiving any mail (unless it was from the idiots who had been abusing him). At least now he has a chance to accomplish his romantic objectives.

We currently don’t believe this man should change his profile back to what it was. We will consider, however, asking him to be forthright by explaining to anyone who contacts him that he received professional advice in writing his profile and that the words are not entirely his.

Finally, and this is only a minor point, but consider the following: Celebrities issue carefully worded statements through publicists - politicians and corporate executives deliver speeches written by speech writers - the President answers questions through his Press Secretary - professional athletes write books using ghost writers – criminal defense attorneys speak publicly on behalf of their clients… In these (and other) examples, the facts are made more palatable by someone who has a superior knack for communication. This is socially acceptable, we believe...

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

We were skimming the Swing Lifestyle forums (which are normally pretty quiet) and we came across an interesting thread in the “Better Profiles” section. Some poor man had started a thread seeking input on his profile – and the local vultures (some extremely vile people ) were tearing him apart. We quietly intervened (without ever posting on the forum), and now we’re wondering if we did the right thing.

I can see this from a couple of different angles. There are some interesting, intelligent people who just don't communicate well via the written word. In that case, there's nothing wrong with them asking for help in "tuning up" their profile. It's really no different than going to a high-end clothing store and asking a salesperson for help in selecting some new business attire. Successful people know what they're good at, and what they're not. They don't hesitate to ask for help when they've reached their limitations prior to reaching their goals.

On the other hand, I don't think I'd go so far as to write somebody's profile for them, although I too have done it on several occasions. That seems an outright deception, no different than substituting my picture for theirs would be. (although that would probably negate whatever good I did for them in the first place)

Now, our concerns are kicking in...Although his new profile may attract the people he is seeking, we have doubts about his ability to handle the follow up communications with a reasonable level of proficiency.

I wouldn't worry about that too much. Not many people meet based on the strength of a profile alone, and those that do, probably deserve to be duped. I agree with OttawaCuple that most people will either assume that he had somebody else write his profile, or that he stole it outright.

(We had a couple "hijack" our Swappernet profile almost word-for-word. It turned out they were legit, but lived a thousand miles away and apparently lacked the time or imagination to create their own from scratch)

We’re concerned that we have set him up for a series of disappointments and embarrassments. Did we just toss this guy into the deep end of the pool? Is it possible that this man would have been better off by sticking with his original profile – which was bad, but real?

I wouldn't worry about that too much, either. The lifestyle, as experienced by most single males, is nothing BUT "a series of dissapointments and embarrassments." If he wants to be successful at this, he'll have to grow some pretty thick skin. If he's as much of a dolt as you say he is, it'll have to be extremely thick skin. The quicker he learns to deal with it, the sooner he'll either; a) leave, or; b) find a partner.

[LICouple4u]

Since the facts are not made up, I don't see the problem with this. Recently on another service, I saw that they offered 'professional profile writing' but since I didn't need it myself, I didn't click to see if there was a charge, etc. Not even sure what service it was.

There are some people who are fantastic to be with, great communicators in person, etc but can't put their thoughts into words to save their lives.

I don't think it's necessary for him to put a disclaimer in his ad or even mention it to those who may send him notes. They can make up their own minds based on what they read of him.

We don't know if this gentleman is mentally slow, has a tough time communicating in the written word, if he just goes to fast and doesn't take the time to express himself properly or what. You did what you thought was best - take it as a lesson learned and go forward

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Celebrities issue carefully worded statements through publicists - politicians and corporate executives deliver speeches written by speech writers - the President answers questions through his Press Secretary - professional athletes write books using ghost writers – criminal defense attorneys speak publicly on behalf of their clients… In these (and other) examples, the facts are made more palatable by someone who has a superior knack for communication. This is socially acceptable, we believe...

That raises some interesting points. A few years ago, a woman I know (platonically) had some professional digital pictures taken for posting to a vanilla singles website. When they were done, she asked the photographer if he could erase a few lines from her face shots, which he did. She then asked if he could erase a few "pounds" from her full-figure shots, which he also did. She then continued to have him erase lines and pounds until she was so pretty, in her pictures at least, that even I might have considered going out with her.

Did all that editing simply "put her in her most favorable light" or was it an outright deception?

[LICouple4u]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Did all that editing simply "put her in her most favorable light" or was it an outright deception?

Definitely deception. I see this as a comparison of apples and oranges though - both are fruits, but are very different kinds.

The profile has the same facts that the person had before, just written in a better format. The gal with the pictures had herself physically appearing to be something she most definitely was not and could not be at that moment. This gentleman - well, we don't know if he has the ability in person, just as we wouldn't know that about anyone who's profile we may read.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by LICouple4u

You did what you thought was best - take it as a lesson learned and go forward

Your intentions were good. That's what you should remember.

People who contact him will learn more about him. From there they can decide what to do.

LM

[NandTfromCA]

It's just like any other coaching; you want to help them bring out the best in themselves and communicate the intended message (not do it for them). Suggestions and "you should think about..."’s are great.

You did what you did because you are obviously compassionate people (we find that very attractive!). Like everyone said, just consider it a learning experience.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by LICouple4u

Definitely deception... The profile has the same facts that the person had before, just written in a better format. The gal with the pictures had herself physically appearing to be something she most definitely was not and could not be at that moment.

But if the "facts" are that this gentleman isn't educated, isn't literate, or (most likely) isn't able to discern what women or couples find appealing when they're looking for a single man, then wouldn't helping him write a profile that masks his lack of education or awareness be as deceptive as the woman who "masks" her true age and weight by altering her picture?

In my friends case, she knew that many men her age were looking for women who were younger and thinner than herself, so she had her photos altered to appear that way in her profile. But what about women and couples who are looking for an intelligent, articulate companion? Isn't correcting the grammar and spelling of an "intellectually-challenged" or "socially-challenged" individual as much a deception as erasing the wrinkles in a photograph?

I'm not saying you're wrong or that I'm right, because I don't know what's wrong or right. What I am saying is that there's a big grey area here.

Somebody once said, "You can put a dress on a pig and paint it's toenails red, but in the end, you still have a pig." Maybe what it comes down to is that it's OK to put a nice pink ribbon on a pig, but it would be better for everybody not to bother with the dress or the toenail polish...

[Chicup]

This is the most interesting question to come up on this board in a long time.

I started to reply and changed that reply three times now because there is no easy answer for it, most questions in swinging are easy answers, if they aren't easy answers you should most likely not be swinging

After my aborted post attempts I finally came up with an analogy that I think works, and I'll get to that in a second.

First a profile is often the real 'first impression' you get of a person/couple. Its often a deal breaker, or maker. A well written and witty profile can make a couple seem a lot more attractive (to us) and a poorly written one makes even the most beautiful people seem undesirable (again to us). If someone else basically writes your profile, its a form of false advertising. Its not saying who you are but what you think others want to hear.

On one site we are on, the site is loaded with the 'beautiful' people. I'd swear it was run by plastic surgeons based on the number of breast augmentations, the only place I see more is the porn industry. Being a site where people are VERY hung up on looks, its not unheard of to photoshop ones pictures to remove little imperfections, change the lighting, that sort of thing. This is generally frowned upon (ok it pisses people off) because you think you are meeting people X and instead they really look like Y.

Writing someones profile is much like photoshopping a picture. If you are helping someone 'tweek' a bit, thats fine, but if you are making someone out to be something they are not you are not doing them any favors. Odds are his 'issues' may come out in further communication, so odds are you just wasted a little time from people who mailed him based on a good profile and nothing more, so its not a 'big deal'.