People Not Responding

[Lovinlife59912]

Okay here is my problem. Where we live there are no clubs or meet and greet areas so we will have to rely on sites like Swing Lifestyle to meet people of like minds.
My husband and I feel that we need to meet people and become friends that later if all goes well could evolve into some extra fun but the friendship needs to be first.
The problem is that someone will write me or hubby because we have different profile names or we will write them first and either you don't get replies back, or it fizzles right before meeting each other. I mean we are only wanting to say hi and see if we can become friends not jump in the sack.
Am I expecting too much or doing something wrong? I really could use some advise from anyone

Thanks in advance

[sereneiders]

I believe there are a lot of couples who feels like yourself, moreover when being new to swinging because they need a degree of trust and confort before engaging in anything sexual, so what you're looking for seems pretty "normal" to me.

Just be upfront on what you want and the peace you'd like things to happen. What would be ill seen is to let other people believe you're ready for the sex just by meeting them once or a couple of times, because there are couples that only want sex and fun. These people would respect your tastes if you respect theirs.

Of course, asking for frienship first would narrow the search scope, but it's ok sine you seem to look for quality more than quantity.

[Lovinlife59912]

Thank you for your reply. I try when I'm going forward and responding to peoples ads to pick the ones that say they are also looking for friends first and I always answer anyone who takes the time to write me but I guess I will have to just keep trying until I find someone who actually means what they say.

[DBL D]

We wouldn't necessarily want to respond to an ad or response where they said that they wanted to become friends first. I think the relationship should evolve, if it will, but the idea is sex and friends first. Anything can happen and I suggest you play and find out. Lot's of great folks don't want to be friends but we want to see them again as well, and as time has gone by, it seems that they do want to become somewhat friends. To dismiss them out of hand is a mistake, I think.

My wife has said that it is still hard for her to have sex with people who are just about total stangers, so I know where you're coming from. Just be patient with folks, that's all. The odds of success are just about the same if you were looking for one or the other first.

M.D.

[Dynamar]

I think the mistake a lot of new people make is the idea of "friends first." Not that it is a mistake to want to like and enjoy as people those you'd choose to have sex with, that's not what I'm saying at all.

It's just that I envision someone's idea of "friends first" as taking a really long time (rather than just enough time) to get to know me and perhaps even them wanting to do "vanilla" things together too (i.e., bbq's, shopping, dinners out). Not to sound all uppity or anything, but I already have vanilla friends, not to mention family members, that I do these things with. In my world, and I would imagine in most other swinger's lives, ne'er the twain shall meet.

I'm not saying the way you're going about it is wrong... not by a long shot. I just think that as you move along and find your own comfort level in seeking out new swinging "friends," that you'll find that this rule doesn't have as much meaning as you thought it might have in the beginning.

It's good to have a rule that you wouldn't fuck anybody who you wouldn't want to be friends with (that happens to be my #1 rule!)... but that concept is certainly different from what most people would think of as "friends first." After your initial meeting or play session, the "relationships" you have with your play partners will all certainly evolve. Some will become good acquaintences... people who you never are unhappy to see, meet & talk to, some you'll never see or talk to again, and some will perhaps truly become friends in the traditional sense. None of them are wrong, and every post-meet and post-play relationship will certainly find its own level on its own. This has been my experience, at least.

All the best to you.

[sexyshelby]

Something that struck me as odd in your post...Why do you both have separate profiles?

I have no idea if this would affect your replies or not, but if people are looking for a couple, it might help to be listed as one.

~SS

[Lovinlife59912]

DBL D and Dynamar I understand what your saying but the thing I'm running into is that we might e-mail once or twice, set up a meeting but it never takes place...they back out like "oh my god she called me on my bluff" is how I am beginning to feel.
As a newbie though if it ever gets to be reality I understand what your saying about friends and vanilla friends but is it wrong to expect to know them long enough to relax before sex?

[Lovinlife59912]

Something that struck me as odd in your post...Why do you both have separate profiles?

we have different names but the info is pretty much the same. I live a few hours away from my husband during the school year because I attend College. We meet up with each other on the weekends when we can and then there is the summer and winter breaks.

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by Lovinlife59912

DBL D and Dynamar I understand what your saying but the thing I'm running into is that we might e-mail once or twice, set up a meeting but it never takes place...they back out like "oh my god she called me on my bluff" is how I am beginning to feel.
As a newbie though if it ever gets to be reality I understand what your saying about friends and vanilla friends but is it wrong to expect to know them long enough to relax before sex?

Well then... that's very different. Those people are fakes and poseurs, possibly even cheaters (you KNOW what we think about cheaters around here, don't you?????) and probably are not anything close to what they've represented in their profile(s).

Yes, they're annoying, but you're not really out anything except a little time. Keep at it, and you'll find people you'll think you'd like to meet and they'll actually show up for a meeting!

[EvilMJ]

I often think of swinging like fishing...it takes a lot of time and patience to find that elusive fish (swinger), sometimes you gotta throw a bunch back, and sometimes that perfect fish is just a really good story.

However that doesn't mean you should give up. It can be done. We prefer the 'club' route to find the swingers/friends catagory You get a chance to interact with people on an in person basis to determine if there is any sort of connection, and then go from there. We have a group of friends who are swingers that we do vanilla activites with, we may never play with them, but we haven't ruled it out. We have friends who we do vanilla things with that we do play with. It's nice and not impossible. However having no clubs can make this a real problem

I guess you just have to keep doing what you are doing and hope to hook that elusive fish.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Lovinlife59912

DBL D and Dynamar I understand what your saying but the thing I'm running into is that we might e-mail once or twice, set up a meeting but it never takes place...they back out like "oh my god she called me on my bluff" is how I am beginning to feel.

One thing we always do when setting up a meet for dinner or drinks after a few emails we exchange phone numbers and make a call before the scheduled meeting date. We'll use speaker phone so the couple will know we are a "real" couple and not a single guy (not implying all do this) who is posing as a couple or cheating on his wife.

We've never had a no show this way. It takes the mystery out of the emails of strangers. You get to hear a voice and it makes it a little more comfortable when you meet at the restaurant because you have already actually "talked" to these people or person (if your meeting a single)

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Lovinlife59912]

One thing we always do when setting up a meet for dinner or drinks after a few emails we exchange phone numbers and make a call before the scheduled meeting date. We'll use speaker phone so the couple will know we are a "real" couple and not a single guy (not implying all do this) who is posing as a couple or cheating on his wife.

Thanks for the advise, thats a great way to do it. Finals will be over in three weeks so I'll be back with my sweetheart so we will keep plugging away and try and meet some folks.

EvilMJ thanks for the analogy seeing as I love fishing. Hey if you ever find yourself in MT and want to do a little fly fishing or what ever look me up.

[The Fuse]

Hi LovinLife59912,

I'd like to suggest you and your husband consolidate your profiles into one that covers both of you. Separate profiles might be a point of concern for some people, as it could imply that you are, well, separate. Especially when looking for couples who would like to be friendly first, you would increase your chances by doing everything possible to appear that you are a committed couple, which I'm assuming you are . Good luck in your search.

[Lovinlife59912]

The Fuse, thank you for your reply and not to sound stupid or anything but when I say I'm new at this I mean I'm new at all of this. How do you have one account when we live in two seperate places? We did it this way so that if I'm on posting he would be able to also be on and could read and someday hopefully respond. I'm trying to get him to type but at least he reads the board. . This was for this site and then when we found the Swing Lifestyle site through this board then we just set up accounts that say the same thing but have my name on one and his name on another. But don't get me wrong, we let people that write us know we are a couple and will say if they write me that "by the way, nascardude59912 is my husband and you can also write directly to him" or vise versa.

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by Lovinlife59912

The Fuse, thank you for your reply and not to sound stupid or anything but when I say I'm new at this I mean I'm new at all of this. How do you have one account when we live in two seperate places? We did it this way so that if I'm on posting he would be able to also be on and could read and someday hopefully respond. I'm trying to get him to type but at least he reads the board. . This was for this site and then when we found the Swing Lifestyle site through this board then we just set up accounts that say the same thing but have my name on one and his name on another. But don't get me wrong, we let people that write us know we are a couple and will say if they write me that "by the way, nascardude59912 is my husband and you can also write directly to him" or vise versa.

Actually, Swing Lifestyle can be accessed anywhere and the same profile can be opened at the same time, so as long as you both have the password, you can both see the emails. You can also set up an email account through yahoo or hotmail, and both can access those emails as well.

I agree that the separate profiles may seem fishy to some potential "friends". Also, online, it's too dang easy to create a profile and only go "fishing" when you're horny and don't have any intention of following through with meeting or being friends. Don't get discouraged. It's one of the reasons that so many go to events. For 2 years, we always traveled to go to socials, since there were none in close proximity to us.

Pepper