He doesn't want to swing now

[Jennx]

Hi =)
I am in desperate need of some good sound healthy advice. (I already posted this in Introductions yesterday) I am a female in a "knock your sox off, serious str8 relationship" and have some questions about overcoming concerns in our mutual desire to swing, or rather his lack of desire to swing really anymore. He said "hell yes" in the beginning, and is saying "not so sure" now. What!? I was completely honest from the beginning. We have had numerous sit-down talks about it. In the bedroom, out of the bedroom, on the phone, watching T.V., in the car, etc.. should I go on? We've been seeing each other romantically for almost a year (next week is our ann.) We have only talked about it though. We have kind of nudged each other and winked when we have been out and have seen someone interesting, but that's about it. He has said things like, " it takes money to go out and meet someone, wine, dine, room , etc." That's one excuse. Also he's not sure he is as comfortable as he led me on to think at the outset of our relationship. I have decided to forego the possiblity of a MFM scenario and said I would be happy w/ him in a FMF or FFMF deal. He said he couldn't bear the thought of some other guy f****** me. He says he'd be lying if he said the idea of me & another woman (or2) didn't arouse him, but he says he's afraid that yes, I would like it too much. I LOVE HAVING SEX W/ HIM! I tell him all the time. But... there is the little issue of him not bringing me to O either vaginally (which I've never had anyway) or clitorally dur to a broken neck a few years ago. That's kind of a biggy. We are trying not to stress about it. I can achieve one if I do myself. It's hard to explain. **sigh** help

Please no snap judgements, and be careful when giving your good advice. Thank you for your help in advance.

[Chicup]

I personaly would have never been ready to swing in the first year I knew my wife. I was rather protective and that would have been a bad thing for swinging.

As for your orgasam problem, I'd get a vibrator he could use on you.

[OhioCouple]

Hey Jennx,

I'll agree with Chicup here. Your relationship together is still very young. I don't mean this based on age, as I have no clue how old you are. It is based on the infancy of your relationship.

It was after several years of my husband (then s/o) were together before we began talking about it. It took even more years for us to actually find out their was such a thing as swinging and to learn more about. (Prior to that we considered sex outside of a committed relationship as cheating.) The talking about it heightened our bedroom play together and was fun to fantasize about but neither of us were sure that we could visualize ourselves with someone else.

I would suggest to stay in the fantasy phase for now and as you grow together as a couple and become more secure with each other it may become a reality someday. If not you'll have at least had some hotter sex!

As for your problems with orgasm, is this something medically related? Or is it a problem that you have always had when it comes to penetration?

Lori

[JustAskJulie]

I have a few questions for you.

1. Were you swinging prior to this relationship?
2. Did the two of you go into this relationship with the idea that he knew you wanted to swing and that swinging would be a part of the relationship eventually?
3. He's never given you an orgasm?

[roseandy85]

Jennx! Slow down & take your time! If he's not HAPPY(not just confortable showing off your body&getting men(or women hot&be happy talking about it with you & them then he's not to that maturity level yet!With my hubby I had to show him off till he had fun with it then he wanted to show me off & we have been swinging(HAPPILY)for 5yrs now!

Rose

[Jennx]

Wow,
Thanks everyone for your input. To answer some of the questions:

Chicup- I guess he is feeling rather protective at this stage of the game. We've known each other for almost two years and have been involved for one year. Not your typical dating relationship I don't think though. We knew immediately that it was overhaul time. We sacraficed everything (or nearly) to be together and are convinced that if the old myth about "soulmates" is true, then for lack of a better term, that is what we are. He says constantly that he has been looking for me for 20 years, had given up hope, settled, and doesn't want to run the risk of losing me due to circumstances we could avoid altogether. HOWEVER, having said all that, we are both extremely sexual by nature, and love the excitement produced by fantasizing and descibing swinging scenarios to one another. He knew from the onset of our relationship that I very much wanted to incorporate the swinging lifestyle into my life and be open and honest with my s/o and appreciate the differences and similarities in whom ever we would meet to swing with or have fun with. He wholeheartedly agreed that we would pursue this in our lives together. He's changed his tune a great deal since those days.

As for the vibrator, got one. Doesn't do much for me.

Lori- Thank you for your wisdom. As for my O's, **sigh** again, I'm not sure what to say. It seems so complex to me at this point. I just finished (two years ago) an 11 year marriage, where sex was nothing to write home about, but he did make up for it toward the end of our marriage by becoming much better at oral sex. I was having out-of-body experience type climaxes, ALTHOUGH, these also began taking longer and longer to achieve as our relationship deteriorated (2 B expected). These were never vaginal, although I did spasm somewhat when he was inside me, after he would stop thrusting. He was very small (length and girth), and I couldn't really feel anything when we were still. (Kind of hate re-living this, uck.) I have only had clitorally stimulated orgasm's up to this point in my life (I think).

Julie- 1. No - 2. Yes - 3. Not sure

As for me and my s/o. He's a freaking porn-star/god when it comes to making love, fucking, talking dirty or being sweet and tender.

But, he has a short tongue (does that make a difference?), can't hold his neck in any awkward position for long, and frankly doesn't do the things I ask him to do with his fingers or his tongue. He will right then, but he's getting a little sensitive anymore, he'll sigh then do it, or get upset that I am critiquing him and stop altogether, that's always nice. It's to the point of tears and frustration at times. I mean, when we are together, we can't keep our hands off each other. We have sex once or twice a day still. (I know what you're thinking..honeymoon phase.) Sometimes 5 or 6 on the weekends if we're both off, but if I want to O, which ...HELLO! who doesn't, I have to masterbate, with him inside me preferably, thrusting very slowly. I pretty much just do that like once or twice a month now. Where I used to want to orgasm every time we had sex, it's just not worth the potential frustration, because I won't be able to get off, or he won't be able to orally please me. I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair with all that I do for him. From his point of view however, I think he feels utterly discouraged that here we found each other, and we have this great sex life, but he can't get me off. How would you feel if you couldn't bring your loved one to orgasm....think about it.

So, it's kind of a touchy subject anymore. I don't want to allow bitterness or resentment to come in. I have done some research, per his suggestion. Medically, maybe I'm getting low on some hormones, who knows (I'm 31 & not on the pill; IUD). Maybe he should take some lessons in cunnilingus (sp?), maybe we need permanent female partner in our relationship. I don't know. Neither does he. We talk and talk about it. So now I am talking here, and at this point, feel like crying. gulp. Thanks. -Jenn

[JustAskJulie]

RE: Orgasm (or lack thereof).
I'm assuming you know how to get yourself off? Yes? Although I'm almost curious since you said you are unsure if your s/o has ever given you an orgasm. I would think that if it was a yes, you would know it. If it was such a rare occurance you probably would have marked it on the calender. So I'm going with the idea that he never has.

Assuming that you have given yourself one and know what you enjoy. Sounds like the two of you should spend some time exploring YOR body. If he cares about you then he wants you to get off as much as he wants himself to. What good does it do to have sex once or more a day if you aren't getting any release from it? Sure the act itself can be fun, but having the act regularly without the climax can become VERY frustrating as I'm sure you know.

RE: Swinging:
If you went into this with the idea/plan that swinging would eventually be part of your relationship then you have to decide how important that is to you. Is it so important that you are willing to give this guy up over it? if so, then do so, move on and find someone who will enjoy the things you want to enjoy and who is as much your sexual soulmate as your mental soulmate. If he is the most important thing to you tho then put the idea of swinging on the backburner and concentrate on making your relationship with him the best it can be (teach him how to give you those O's). And let him take his time getting around to the idea of swinging.

[Alura]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Jennx:
<strong>
But, he has a short tongue (does that make a difference?), can't hold his neck in any awkward position for long, and frankly doesn't do the things I ask him to do with his fingers or his tongue.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I can't imagine that a short tongue would be a hinderance, Jenn. It's best used on the clit, not the vagina. There are a couple of things that can solve the "pain-in-the-neck" problem. He can straighten his neck out by lying at an angle to your body, turned a bit onto his side or you can sit on the sofa or bed while he sits on the floor with your legs across his shoulders. That, to me, stops the pain that comes when a man is in a position to lick his hat.

Here is a suggestion I read in The Playboy Advisor in the sixties: The tongue is a lot of muscles. Like the rest of your body, those muscles work better when exercised regularly. Twice a day, morning and evenings he should lick the inside of a common shot glass for half-an-hour. At first his tongue will ache. That's caused by cells breaking down and being replaced with stronger ones. The ache will eventually subside as the tongue gathers strength and endurance. Practice on a live pussy a lot!

He needs to develope an "I want do this 'cause it's a lot of fun!" attitude instead of "What a drag! You want me to lick that thing again!" If he can't or won't, he's probably a lost cause in the pussy eating department.

If he's willing to put forth the effort to learn how you like him to lick you, the future will be bright and you'll be climaxing regularly!

Keep us informed!
Mr. Alura

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Alura ]</small>

[ciscosv]

The fingers are longer than the tongue. If my wife needed a long...........tongue, I'm in trouble. My wife O's when the G-spot is stimulated with my fingers and my tounge on her clitoris. And it takes 5-10 minutes at best.

Definately explore. Leave some books (earmark key pages) in the lavatory to drop subtle but obvious hints on what you would like to try. Maybe that would be less evasive but you know him better than we. I'm stubborn so this would work for me.

Resting the neck is important. I guess I'm lazy as hell. I rest my head on her thigh while she lay on her back at times.

[sportync]

Jennx, there a lot of ways to orally pleasure a woman without placing undue stress on the neck muscles, so practice, practice, practice! You will enjoy it and he will have the opportunity to work on his technique. As for the idea of swinging, often the fantasies are every bit as exciting, perhaps more so, than the real thing. It's easy to fantasize about something, because you control all aspects of the act and all the responses and actions of all the participants...not so in real life. Perhaps this is what brought about his change of heart concerning swinging. At first thought, the idea of having you and another woman was a real turn on, but after considering different scenarios, he realized that the door swings both ways, and some other guy might just want to try out your charms, something he suddenly was not too comfortable with. This could be the reason for his change of thought, and I don't necessarily think it was bait-and-switch, at least not on a concious level. I think that he has had the time to really consider this from different angles and has realized that, sure, he would love to have you and another woman together, but let another dude have a shot at you??? Forget it! And this gets right back to Julie's question on another thread...what is swinging to you? That is the question you two have to answer. Is it an opportunity to fulfill each other's fantasies, or just his? Is it something that you want to freely explore, or set strict limits on? Do you desire the same things he does, or do you have your own fantasies which you would really like to explore? You can learn a lot about each other by talking together about these things, and I think that you two need to do a lot more talking before you commit to a plan of action. And the talking and fantasizing can be a lot of fun, as well as a productive way to get to know each other better.Sportync

[sdun0]

I still think there is an aversion to oral sex

Just my two sense.....and yes I do want to play with you <img border="0" alt="[Tongue]" title="" src="graemlins/tongue.gif" />

[darling]

I had a boyfriend who said he didn't like to do oral sex...then would say except with you. He seemed to put no effort in it and this made me feel ackward like he really didn't want to do it. After that statement and his actions, I didn't even want him to try because I felt he really didn't want to. At first I resented his selfishness. He wanted oral from me and even wanted me to give him oral between penatrations. (tasting myself). He was married for 8 years and said he never did oral on his wife because she thought it was nasty. Maybe its an aquired taste.

But we found a way for him to stimulate the clitoris with his fingers and I was able to reach orgasm that way. I did have to instruct him on everything before he learned how to do it the way I liked.

The rest of our sex life was awesome, but the relationship didn't last long (about a year), so I don't know if I would have eventually resented him never wanting to give me oral or not.

I think you fantasize about swinging because he is leaving you unfulfilled.

[babydragon]

After reading your posts and the replies it has hit me as kinda strange that no one has asked these questions.

1. Could it be your not reaching O because your trying to hard and not relaxing???

2. Your man could be worried that by swinging you might find someone who can do all those things he feels he is unable to do?? (thus maybe losing you??)

3. Are you wanting to swing because your not happy in your sexual relationship??

If you answer yes to any of the above, I'd advice you to step back from the swinging idea and concetrate on your relationship.
You may find out it improves vastly once he no longer feels any pressure.

[RnKin Fla]

Well, this might sound cheesy, but here goes. I was reading Playboy a couple months ago, and in the fictional story there was this woman who had bicycle handlebars mounted on the wall above her bed. She had the guy in the story give her oral sex while she knelt above his head, hanging on to the handlebars.

Now, THAT is one hell of a picture, and if you did something like that I bet your man's neck wouldn't hurt at all!



K