Wife not comfortable with pre-planning - how do I make it easier for her?

[ncmd_couple]

fun4t&c,

What you are looking for is a good on-premise swinger's club. You can plan for the date night for the two of you to go there, but you can not plan for what will happen there. Probably nothing, but, it could happen. All clubs are different, and I can't help you with choosing a club in your area. But if you have the power to do so, plan a trip to the Cottage in Gettysburg, PA. A sexy environment, no presure, make reservations for the VIP house and stay overnight. If she responds to the environment, good. If she doesn't, well, you will know. Plan for the place, not what happens.

S

[iapr]

Originally Posted by fun4t&c

Bingo! Now you're tracking. I'm not a control freak, but I was guilty of unwittingly creating some unintended "pressure" on this issue, which I regret. I do feel like she's dragging her feet more than I can understand, given her known wild side. I'm trying to tune into her required pace for things. That's been made extremely difficult, because she just recently learned what made her tick in so many ways and learned how to express her real feelings. Long story on that. So now that we're closer and she's a more effective communicator, she's indicated she wouldn't mind going back to a place like Desire's to party. I just have to handle it the right way.

Would I like to see her go wild and do a full swap? Sure, but all in good time. Would I like to play, too? Well, I'm a healthy guy, so I wouldn't mind that at all. My real attraction is to see HER flirt and play, though. I guess I could call it seeing her exercise her sexuality, or find another gear, or some other appropriate analogy for being a slut for the night/weekend.

That's why I'm on here and that's why I posted this thread. I want to learn what I should do to not screw things up. Yes, she has her own timing that is only and very spontaneous. She doesn't like for things to be arranged or contrived. Meanwhile, I'm sitting around like a little boy waiting for Christmas. ..."Mommy, is is Christmas yet? How 'bout now? Now?" You can see why I can't be doing that. So, I try to plan. If not deliberately, at least by getting an education on how not to screw up a potentially beautiful thing. Just dancing and flirting would be fun to see. She's seen me let loose at parties and clubs a couple times, meeting people all over the place. She keeps saying she really likes to see me having fun like that. She's impressed at how I socialize. That's interesting to me, because she's the same way, but with tits! Tits don't make EVERYTHING better.

Anyway, she's a social charmer, to be sure. However, I have to admit, what I'd really like to see, when the time is right, is her fully going at it. I want her to experience everything that life has to offer. We've been fortunate. We've worked hard and we have good careers. We've aquired some handsome assets along the way and we're both very happy and healthy. This would be just an another adventure that I feel she would be attracted to , if she finds the right people. Again, she's not attracted to just anybody. She's particularly selective. I guess that's where my "control" issue comes in on this. I've wanted to help create a situation where she can be with the beautiful people she would enjoy playing with. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Maybe I should just let it remain a dream. However, I've gone after all of my lifes goals and have accomplished them. I take action. I dare to fo for what others just sit around and talk about. That's why I started trying to help this dream along, just out of muscle memory. I really don't wnat her to feel anything but happy. ....So, I post and learn for now.
I hope that makes sense.

Well it takes one to know one and yes you ARE a bit of a control freak whether you like to admit it or not. What other people like to call control freaks, we ourselves prefer to think of ourselves as "go-getters" as we hate to sit on our hands and fiddle-fart around when there is something that we can be doing to make things happen.

A couple questions, - have you two actually talked about swinging and have you come right out and asked point blank if this is something she wants to do and if so what was her answer? If the answer is no then you have your answer and your fate is sealed, it ain't happening. We're all sexual beings and we all "have it in us" but most people do not want to swing.


- if the answer is yes, is she making forward progress on her own without you pushing? Or if left to her own devices does she remain in a fixed postion or even move backwards towards a more vanilla existence if you are not trying to make things happen?

Answer those questions and then we can come up with some ideas on how to proceed.

[fun4t&c]

Originally Posted by iapr

Well it takes one to know one and yes you ARE a bit of a control freak whether you like to admit it or not. What other people like to call control freaks, we ourselves prefer to think of ourselves as "go-getters" as we hate to sit on our hands and fiddle-fart around when there is something that we can be doing to make things happen.


- if the answer is yes, is she making forward progress on her own without you pushing? Or if left to her own devices does she remain in a fixed postion or even move backwards towards a more vanilla existence if you are not trying to make things happen?

Yikes!
Yep, she seems to make no real progress on her own. Doh! Well, there's my answer, just like you said.
Ouch...

[iapr]

Originally Posted by fun4t&c

Yikes!
Yep, she seems to make no real progress on her own. Doh! Well, there's my answer, just like you said.
Ouch...

Yeah, that may be kind of a real telling sign. Here's the bottom line, people tend to do what they want to do.

Since you did not answer my question about if you have actually talked to her about swinging before, I will assume you have not. Regardless of what the background is, talking about is always the first step. Once you have open that can of worms then the ball is in her court and she is the one that will have to set the pace.

If you were to tell her you are open to the idea of swinging and would be ok with it and would like to do it and then you sat back and did nothing, what would happen? We she even ask about it? Would she say anything about it? Would she do anything about it?

If you open the door for discussion and she never brings it up, never asks "where do we go from here" and never does anything about it, then you have your answer.

It's ok to have one person be the one that initiates things and makes things happen but both people have to be in agreement on it and both people have to want to do it. If one person is just caught up in the inertia of the other person it will eventually blow up big time.

I'm assuming she knows where you stand on the whole thing so now it is her turn to take things to the next level and the ball is in her court. Actions speak louder than words and if she does nothing then nothing is what it is.

[sweet_tna]

Looks like IvoryTower and iapr have gotten you down to the nitty gritty of it all. But there is another perspective I'd like to offer up. You make a lot of mention of her "June Cleaver" self image and how it seems to be only a spontaneous encounter that prompts her to shuck that image and become the beautiful vixen you already know her to be.

It can be very difficult for a woman who was raised with a conservative background to see herself as a sexual being. And I can tell you from personal experience that even having your husband tell you repeatedly that you're beautiful and sexy doesn't always sink in. After all, he's your husband and he's supposed to think that. It wasn't until I jumped into the lifestyle that I realized he's not the only one to see me that way . . . and ultimately, I began to see myself that way. It sure makes it easier for me to let my "wild side" out.

And for what it's worth, I'm a bit of a control freak, too. So I do understand how tough it is to sit back and wait for your partner to catch up to your speed. But pushing her (even unintentionally) will only cause her to dig in her heels and move slower.

So keep talking to her, and hopefully you can find a way to compromise. Perhaps just going to a club, which allows her the opportunity to dress sexy & interact with others and for you to sit back and watch.

=)

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

It can be very difficult for a woman who was raised with a conservative background to see herself as a sexual being. And I can tell you from personal experience that even having your husband tell you repeatedly that you're beautiful and sexy doesn't always sink in. After all, he's your husband and he's supposed to think that. It wasn't until I jumped into the lifestyle that I realized he's not the only one to see me that way . . . and ultimately, I began to see myself that way.

=)

This is so true. I had never considered myself as sexy as Mr. NC always told me I was. And we certainly didn't "jump" into the lifestyle - it was conversations brought up over a year ago that planted the seed. I hadn't worn a mini-skirt in probably 10 years, and now I just love dressing sexy, and am still shocked at times when other men find me sexy. I was raised very conservative, and Catholic, and thankfully my husband's patience made it possible for me to find my "wild" side.

So yes, keep talking. Go to a local off-premise club if possible. Bring her to these boards and go through the archives - there are so many people that have shared the same concerns to learn from! Read some erotic stories together. It may just take her there....