Wife brought it up, now she won't even talk about it.

[VACouple33]

Before we even started.

My wife was sexually adventurous before we met, including 3somes and 4somes. That's OK. I was a virgin. Fast forward 11 years.
She wants to explore. Suggests 3somes etc I am so excited about it. We talk about it, fantasize about it, bought and played with a doll. I love the idea.
After four months of talking about it she has changed her mind. Never. Don't ever bring it up again. I'm screwed.
So now that's it. Four months of me getting revved up and for nothing. She won't discuss it. I am 33 and have never and unless I have an affair or something will never have touched a woman besides my wife.
Although there is a romantic niceness to that I am in a state of despair wondering if I can live my life that way. I used to think I could now I have serious doubts.
I love my wife to death but her bringing this up and then letting me down just about has me in tears. Now I find myself in therapy attempting to de-program myself into accepting what I have.
Part of this is not feeding my fantasy anymore. Now it's all I can think about and I am so depressed. So, not feeding my fantasy anymore means staying off boards like this. Although I am curious about any replies anyone might have, after I check I am off this probably forever. It's back to just plain old porn for me.
I enjoyed reading the stories and I am glad for those who found happiness with this.
Bye

[Alura]

It's sad to hear this, Mr. VA.

It's okay for your wife to refuse to have anything to do with swinging, but to cut all communication off on any given subject can be fatal to a marriage. She needs to be developing communication skills, not making discussions impossible.

If I were in your moccasins, I'd tell her in terms that cannot be mistaken that you resent and will not tolerate her refusing to discuss any idea. But that's me.

When Mrs. Alura and I first met, we agreed to never become angry at any question that was asked and that we would always discuss the subject at length. Perhaps you could suggest that...

The best of luck to both of you.

Mr. Alura

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Alura

It's okay for your wife to refuse to have anything to do with swinging, but to cut all communication off on any given subject can be fatal to a marriage. She needs to be developing communication skills, not making discussions impossible.

Not wanting to swing is fine. It's been said numerous times here "Swinging is NOT for everyone".

However, just because she doesn't want to swing...I don't understand why she would refuse to not even fantasize about it with you. Talking about something does not necessarily mean you want to do it and/or are even willing for it to be a possibility in the future. Fantasizing is fun, liberating and you learn so much about the person you are sharing your fantasies with. I believe that it's healthy for a relationship to be open enough to fantasize with each other...no matter what the topic of the fantasy.

Personally, I would want to know why we couldn't even fantasize with each other...tell her that yes, you know she doesn't want to pursue it AT ALL but, you don't understand why you have to completely shut off the fantasy.

I hope she realizes that she cannot control your thoughts and that trying to will only cause problems.

Good luck.

Teresa

[hotnsexy1]

Hi there,
Not wanting to actually swing is fine...some people get excited and enhance their sexlife just by fantasizing and talking about it.maybe when she realized you actually wanted to do it..it scared her of talking about it...sounds to me like the problem really stems from a comunication gap..the best thing you can do for your relationship is talk about it...be honest and not judgemental..it's something you both have to be on the same page with..apparently she closed the book and you kept reading lol..goodluck
Denise

[intuition897]

Alura's right, Mr. VA (as usual ). Of course your wife has the right to say no, but she doesn't have the right to refuse to discuss something that you have a real problem with.

Perhaps you have done so already, but I'd suggest that you tell your wife in no uncertain terms that you are disappointed, but more importantly, you are frustrated because you don't understand this complete 180?! Where did it come from? Is she afraid that you will pressure her into changing her mind back? Is she worried that you're liking this idea a little too much? Did she talk to someone about it and they told her a bunch of horror stories? What's the deal?

The main point of the conversation should be to let her know that she's doing more damage to her marriage than sex with other people can by refusing to discuss important issues with you. You are left with questions that she refuses to answer, and so you are left with an overactive imagination, unfulfilled fantasies that your brain has been marinating in for quite some time now, and a whole heap of curiosity. I can certainly understand your frustration. This shouldn't be too hard to put behind you both. She needs to understand why you so enjoy the fantasy (whose pleasure you're focused on, how you feel about her and your other potential partners, etc), and you need to understand what her fears and objections are. This is exactly where swinging improves a marriage! It isn't the sex with other people that does the improving; it's this stage right here that does it. This is where you find out what your spouse is REALLY like behind the mask. If it's difficult for her to talk about, it's EXACTLY what you need to discuss! Tread carefully in this area, however. If she opens up discussions with you, you can bet that she'll be revealing some pretty sensitive areas of herself to you. This requires a great deal of trust on her part, so try to be aware.

If after discussing it, you both realize that this truly is NOT her thing, and she would be harmed emotionally, mentally, or spiritually by going forward with it, then you just can't expect her to. I think that perhaps this weighs so heavily on your mind, Mr. VA, because you are left with a burning curiosity - a giant 'WHAT IF' - regarding sex with other women. IS it actually different? What are you missing by staying monogamous? IS the grass actually greener over there? I'm no shrink, but I can tell you that its importance is something that you've built up in your own mind, and it's not something important in its own right.

Mr. intuition and I are not any different from any other married couple. We've had sex with other people to rid ourselves of these "burning questions" because we were sick of living with them anymore. We found that the constant state of 'non knowing' was detrimental to the health of our relationship. So we decided - that's it! - come hell or high water, we were going to answer these questions once and for all. Are we really together because of sex? Are we stronger than that? Is sex with someone else any better? And if it is, does that mean that we will stop loving one another, or enjoying our own lovemaking? Will he/she run away with someone else? Will I lose him/her? Will we lose respect for one another?

We answered all our questions, and I'm SOOO glad we did. All that worrying people do about whether or not their spouse is going to cheat on them...we just don't have to worry about it anymore. We found out what was really going on inside one another's head/heart. I could watch some reputed home-wrecker try to weasel her way into my husband's pants, and maybe she'd succeed...but it would be at her peril. I'd tell Mr. intuition to go ahead and play with her - separately, of course, so she would think she was getting away with something - and then call her after the next day and thank her for the extra hot sex I had with my husband that night after he was through with her. lol Well, actually I wouldn't do that, because that's not nice. But at least I have the capacity to put some other bimbo in her place like that. I get to laugh at the arrogance and audacity of these people who think that they have some kind of power over the life and death of MY marriage (!) simply because they're sexually attractive to my husband or me. I almost feel sorry for them, as disillusioned as they are.

Anyway, Mr. VA, good luck talking with your wife. Hopefully we see you back, but if we don't, we wish you the best.

[VACouple33]

I thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions. Let me please make a couple of things clear:

It is OK that she doesn't want to do it. I don't begrudge her that. Although I do admit I find it distressing that she did these kinds of things with people she didn't really care about or trust but won't with me.

What I find most uncool is that she brought me to the edge and then turned me back and refuses to discuss it. She let me smell the cake, talk about the cake, look at the cake, but then whisked it away. I find this to be cruel.

I would love to show her how your experiences have been but she WILL NOT read anything on here.

So, we are at the end of the story. I am am left high and dry with no explanation and orders not to ask anymore.

I am certain this will negatively impact our marriage. I wish she had never brought it up. I am sure we will manage, but we are worse off for it. I resent the way she has handled this.

[intuition897]

I still think that shouldn't be the end of the story. The end of swinging, perhaps, but not the end of the discussion. Don't leave it at resentment! Tell her you love her enough and value your marriage enough that you insist that this be discussed. If you leave it alone and just accept her refusal to communicate, you are equally responsible for any problems that ensue. You're talking about the life and death of your marriage here. If, after you've made the stakes abundantly clear, she still refuses to clear the air, then I guess there's just nothing more you can do. I wish you both the best.

[Alura]

Intuition is right, Mr. VA. My guess is that unless y'all use this issue to enhance y'all's communication you're headed for the divorce courts. Only the two of you can decide it that's the better option.

Mr. Alura

[WesternSwing]

The question I have is: why did she change her mind?

Knowing this may help understand her motives and thus how to move forward in your relationship.

Mr. WS

[Alura]

I have the impression from his original post, Mr. WS, that Mr. VA doesn't know why his wife changed her mind. She has refused to discuss it. Perhaps I'm wrong.

Mr. Alura

[WesternSwing]

That's the impression I get too, Alura. When it comes down to is, THAT is the problem right there. I feel it's one thing to say "no, and this is why" and another all together to just say "no" and leave someone wondering why. If this is what she did I can see why he is frustrated.

Mr. WS

[Alura]

Absolutely, Mr. WS. A marriage, in my opinion, without communication and a desire on both parties part to solve problems, is no marriage at all.

Mr. Alura