Totally Confusing Signals from wife

[eastofthemoon]

I popped the question of MFM to my wife. She said no the thought of others did not appeal to her. I asked about her fantasies. She said she has none???? Help me out here girls. . . no fantasies is that possible? Anyway I accepted the "no" I stopped with the suggestive MFM sex talk. I thought that was the end of it. Then last night she hops in bed. Right away I could tell she was way horny. She started jerking me, placed my fingers inside her and wanted me to watch as I finger banged her and she jerked me off. After I came she kept me hard and pulled me on top of and into her. I was pumping away for awhile just kind of puzzled, things kind of begin to drift, so I thought what the hell and begin with the sex fantasy talk of screwing her after she had done another cock. She instantly got way wet and soon came way big, hard and multiple times. So what gives here, one day its no, then a few days later she's imitating the suggestive MFM sex fantasy and enjoying it. So what should my next move be. I somehow sense she wants the MFM only she won't admit to me verbally or even herself? Any ideas as to what going on here?

[Sweet_Candy]

You've planted the idea now be a good gardener and water, feed and weed where needed. Remember time is the key to a good harvest. You might think about getting a cyber-skin dildo as a prop for the fantasy. This toy can be the other guy with enough imagination.

[dayhiker]

Hi east,
I think by asking, sounds like in a way that indicated you were accepting of the idea, that you gave her permission to think and desire. Often a question that comes out of the blue makes it hard to people to respond naturally and immediately. Its sure that way for me.

So sounds like your on your way ...
dayhiker

[eastofthemoon]

I was surprised by her aggressiveness; it took me awhile to figure out just how to respond. Usually she is more passive, letting me be the aggressor. Her more aggressive atitude towards initiating and taking control was great. I'll be ready next time it surfaces.

Thanks for the advice. Seems like there may still be an outside chance of harvesting something eventually. In the meantime I will precede slowly enjoying the fantasy again from time to time, the toy sounds like fun, I'll check it out.

[Bad Sandy]

My hubby first began talking about a three some three years ago. I was ADAMANTLY against it at the time. I think at one point I even told him if he kept bringing it up it was going to ruin our marriage! LOL His approach was too pushy for me. He laid off and we began to just fantasize when he sensed my mood was right. We also live near a couple of nudist resorts in FL that are very swinger friendly. We would go dancing there and I enjoyed the attention even if I wasn't playing. It was a trip to Hedo II that finally got me to consider "the lifestyle". We met great people there and I realized that these people were just like us... "normal" LOL We didn't actually take the plunge at hedo but did about a month ago. It's been great! Be patient.

[NandTfromCA]

Ditto to the above posts. Be patient and supportive. This may always be just a fun fantasy you can toy with, or it may lead to something else. Keep your expectations low (so you don't become insane or pushy) and enjoy the moment (because there is nothing like sex with your own partner).

Originally Posted by eastofthemoon

...(I was) kind of puzzled, things kind of begin to drift...

ALSO, make sure she doesn't misread "puzzled" as disapproving.

[eastofthemoon]

Just the advice I was looking for. I think your situation was very similar to mine. My wife is somewhat of the repressed/librarian type. One just needs to get her juices flowing. There is definitely a mood thing going on when she is more open. I just need to learn to recognize when the mood is right. Anyway it was good to get my feelings and desires out in the open and discus them with her. Hopefully I can get her to open-up a bit more to.

A few years ago she actually went along with playing (tease) a game on our next door older middle aged peeping-tom neighbor. After dark she undressed in our bedroom with the light on and shades open, down to some very sexy bra and g-string panties. The neighbor definitely took notice. Afterwards we had a very hot sex session. I know she can be mischievous and sexually playful when the mood is right.

She does enjoy dancing, and it seems to get the mood thing going. I doubt she knowingly would go to a swingers club, however I would certainly like to. I might try some other slightly sexy venue to maybe get her more accustomed to the atmosphere. And see where it goes to from there.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Sweet_Candy

You've planted the idea now be a good gardener and water, feed and weed where needed. Remember time is the key to a good harvest. You might think about getting a cyber-skin dildo as a prop for the fantasy. This toy can be the other guy with enough imagination.

Big Dito!

One caveat: That tiny seed you planted in her mind may outgrow the pot you planted it in. If I were you, I wouldn't underestimate her sexual aggressiveness or appetite. One thing that, I think, often happens is the guy tries to get his quiet, shy, demure, slightly repressed wife to come out of her shell. She discovers (!) that swinging is a very SAFE place for her to FINALLY let go of all of her sexual inhibitions. You might be shocked at what fantasies your wife does have...and I'm sure she has them. She just isn't comfortable telling you about them yet. Maybe you could work on that with her. Get to know her more deeply and more intimately. No need to use a crow bar to get information out of her; just do everything you can to let her know that you are her safety net. You accept her exactly the way she is, wildly inappropriate fantasies and all. You love her and are just asking for the privelege of getting to know who she really is on the inside. This is no small thing that you ask of her. Being this vulnerable is REALLY scary. And you'll know just how scary it is, because you'll need to make yourself this vulnerable to her, as well. Once she feels safe, and knows for certain that she can trust you with that "inner self" of hers, I think you'll find that she'll be much more open to swinging.

[flkeyscouple]

Ditto to almost everything already said. I just want to add that it took me years to be comfortable telling my husband my fantasies. I was raised VERY conservatively and I was taught not to talk about 'those kinds of things'. So be patient. My husband is shocked sometimes about the 'monster' he created!

When I did start telling my husband my fantasies (we'd already been together 8 years at that time) I still could ONLY verbalize these things in the dark. Now - 15 years later - he can't shut me up! Dark, light, inside, outside... it's all ok.

Just have patience!

Sarah

[prettylady]

My Dog can say anything that is on his mind. It amazes me sometimes.
I still have trouble telling Dog what I want, so I started to send him 'Stories'. Of a young women in different situations and her _________(insert male's role here).
I let my fantasies go, sometimes they even startled me how imaginative I got and how exact my fantasies became. There could be no way of misunderstanding what I wanted.
The cheeky bugger that I can be sent these stories to his work. Dog is in the military, so the upmost disgression is needed. I often wonder how long after reading my stories he needed to sit and wait for a better moment to stand up.
Perhaps this could be a fun way to open her up. You could start the story telling, and see if she doesn't take it from there.
Just an idea. Dog loves his story time. Exspecially the bedtime stories.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[ShellyM]

Some people like the fantasy of it, but do not want or need the actual experience. Communication is essential, but don't push her past her boundaries. As far as fantasies go, we all have them....women alot of times are embarassed to admit it though, like admitting they masturbate. Just be patient, she will let you know.

[eastofthemoon]

"one caveat: That tiny seed you planted in her mind may outgrow the pot you planted it in. If I were you, I wouldn't underestimate her sexual aggressiveness or appetite."

intuition897...You could be right. Last night she came home from work with some sexy massage oil. She whipped out the oil right after we hit the hay and was all giggly about it! Now that's a 360 flip from the woman I knew a few weeks ago! My little MFM fantasy confession a seems to have started something. Her initial "No Way" reply had me convinced that I had totally struck out for good. Not sure where it will lead but I like the changes I've seen so far. Thanks for the replies!

[Amanda69]

A lot of sexual repressiveness comes from the way we are brought up and what we learn from our parents and peers. Many women have grown up with any sign of sexual pleasure/assertiveness as a sign of being a "slut" so learn to repress those urges. Assertive is a "bad girl", passive is a "good girl".

It may very well be she doesn't have any fantasies but they wouldn't be difficult to cultivate. Do you watch any porn together? or erotic movies. It certainly will take time but enjoy her exploration. Let her know the things she is trying and initiating are welcome and enjoyable. Let her go at her pace for the moment and you may be amazed at the results.

[lwg8tr]

I agree with most of the advice here. I think as men we tend to focus on molding our wives to our own sexual fantasies. Many threads of here seem to have the same tone, “Can I get my wife to do this or that”. I must admit I had that mindset also. I was interested in making my wife the star of my own live action porno movie. I pushed, asked and nagged. I tried joining Swing Lifestyle and browsing with the wife, tried sexy talk and tried the not so hidden link to this site. I focused on sex and eroticism and not on the relationship and intimacy. I had to admit that a sexy and liberating idea at first was really rotten and evil. I stepped back and took stock in my relationship and my motivations for this kind of obsessive need to live out this fantasy. My wakeup call was when we were in the act and I started dirty talk about swinging. Well the wife who is all of 140 lbs pushed my 190lb body off her and ran into the bathroom crying. We had a good talk and I realized the way I had been acting. At that point I decided to stop all the nonsense and work on developing intimacy and a true sexual connection with my wife.

Now fast forward 6 months. The wife and I love watching erotic movies. Not the hardcore type, more the Playboy channel variety. One Saturday night watching some extremely attractive people doing the deed a subtle change happened. We had not discussed any fantasies in those 6 months. Well my wife rolled over and it all spilled out. Her desire to have another woman enjoy me, her desire to be watched, her desire to have men ravage her. We had sex like no tomorrow that night. I never once added my two cents or asked to move the fantasy forward. I like a good husband banged her like the stud I am..wink, wink, nothing more. Well over the next few months her elaborating on her fantasies became more a Q&A. Would I consider, would I ever. I again kept my opinions and emotions in check, this wasn’t about trying to convince my wife with reverse psychology. About a month ago, the wife deadpan asked me if I would ever do a threesome with her and another women. This was more of a direct question and not a philosophical one. I answered “Yes baby I’d love to have us live out that fantasy”. She responded..”Hmm if you are a good boy I may on your b-day make that happen”. So the moral of the story, your married to a person, not Jenna Jameson fantasy girl. Your marriage is an exciting journey not dragging your spouse from one of your fantasies to another.

[eastofthemoon]

Point well taken. I'm beginning to see that letting her go at her pace and direction is in itself exciting. I may give one those more soft-porn movies a try. The wife is not receptive to the hardcore porn I tried that a couple years ago and "no-go". She sometimes watches the soap channel late at night. I've noticed the soaps can get somewhat erotic and it seems to get her hot juices flowing. I'd like to take it up a notch to something slightly more steamy and erotic focused (she doesn't seem mind bare boobs and butts). I always figured the playboy movies were just naked women strutting their stuff. So do they make some with steamy MF, MFM, FMF,FF sex action minus the totally reveling hardcore stuff?

The massage oil has been fun, never knew a hand job could feel that good. And she seems all giggly and happy that I like it. I've not mentioned the MFM fantasy to her for a while. However she is definitely hinting at it during our playtime. I might drop a subtle little MFM vocal suggestion next time, like before, and then give it a rest again for a couple weeks. Never thought about the FF or FMF possibilities have to see what develops. Last couple weeks have been fun going from thinking I’d never get her to open-up with me sexually to being pleasantly surprised, I want to be careful not screw it up by being too pushy.